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Original poster

Annoyed about DH earnings... AIBU?

166 replies

Leafygreen25 · 24/05/2019 18:47

Okay so I need a rational opinion on this, because it's something I feel awful even saying, but I need to share...

I am happily married, my husband is a dream and my childhood sweetheart. However, I have this awful niggle of resentment about his earnings and ambition.
I am a secondary school teacher, so I earn a modest but fair wage. My husband works in a 'creative' field, and earns 22k a year... Eek...

I feel that I have made sacrifices to be where I am and earn what I do, all in order to better our lives and the lives of our children. However, my husband is unwilling to make a career change or seek any promotion opportunities to contribute to what I see as 'his side of the deal'. (In this job since 22yrsold!)

I feel awful addressing this with him because I don't know if I am out of line and I don't know how to approach this. I just feel that he is being a little naive and holding on to a pipedream of success in his chosen career, but it is at the detriment of our family lifestyle and well-being.
His job is also highly stressful with long hours, so he often comes home tired and P-off, so I don't even feel that we are gaining in regard to well being or work-life balance!

My question is where do I go with this? I hate to be the nagging wife, and I love him flaws and all, but it is a really unattractive quality and I feel like it is putting unfair pressure on me to pick up the financial slack for the sake of our family.

AIBU to expect him to follow in my footsteps of making personal sacrafices to move to a steady job with a fair wage? (Earning 22k was never part of our vision pre-marriage)

Any advice would be GREATLY appreciated.

OP posts:
bizzey · 24/05/2019 19:20

Flip sake !! I thought it said EARINGS and wondered why everyone wad talking about money 🤣 ( off to get new glasses !!😀

SmellMySmellbow · 24/05/2019 19:21

I would encourage him to do a job he was really happy in, if he's not happy now, but money would not be the driving force, unless you were really struggling. But with a household pot of 66k I doubt that's the case. 22k is a reasonable income. Outside London, if you were both on 22k, it would be reasonable. Your issue is you earn lots more and want the lifestyle that goes with that, which is fair enough, but if you want to maintain that you either continue to subsidise it (the money goes into one pot and is family money) or you find someone with ambitions that match yours if it's that big a deal to you. You can't force him to be more ambitious or motivated by disposable income. If you only put 22k into a family pot and kept back 22k just for yourself - ie luxuries that excluded him. Fancy clothes, car. Not holidays: Would he complain? Or would he not actually be fussed by more modest spending? If it was reversed and he was on 44k and you on 22k, as is more often the case with the gender pay gap, how would you feel if he told you that you should be earning more so that you can go halves on nicer holidays?

NameChangeNugget · 24/05/2019 19:29

YANBU. Lack of ambition is such a turn off for me

Treesthemovie · 24/05/2019 19:48

Wow would love to see the responses if a husband posted about his wife not earning enough to his liking 🙄

whatthehe11 · 24/05/2019 19:54

You're not being unreasonable. I detest my job and would love to do something more fulfilling. That would mean a big drop in salary so being an adult means I have to suck it up and plod on for the benefit of my other half and vice versa.

ukgift2016 · 24/05/2019 19:54

I am degree educated and on a higher wage than my partner who is on 22k a year.

He is working (positive) not everyone is career or money driven. 22k is a pretty decent wage in this economy for people who are not degree educated.

However, I would be frustrated if he had the capability to earn more and was choosing to stay in a role that he earned significantly less in.

So I definitely understand your frustration but you should be talking to your partner about this.

whatthehe11 · 24/05/2019 19:56

I'm the wife by the way, but basically would feel bad earning less knowing I have the ability to earn more. My husband is the same.

Apileofballyhoo · 24/05/2019 19:56

I've been in your shoes and it's not pleasant. But it was a long term boyfriend rather than my DH.

What would you do with more money? Do you feel like you are earning more but you never get anything for yourself? How are the family finances split? Do you have any 'fun money'? Are you not happy with where you live but can't afford to move?

Is the family always short of money? Does your DH spend on things you deem unnecessary?

Autumnchill · 24/05/2019 20:09

Putting the money to one side it would be the lack of ambition / pipe dream naivety that would put me off.

Think it's time he grows up and looks long term rather than here and now.

Would it help for you to get him to write pros and cons so obviously a con would be long hours.

Livelovebehappy · 24/05/2019 20:13

From your post it sounds like in every other way he is great, so I would personally celebrate that, and not push things with his lack of ambition. Lots of people work to live rather than live to work, and there’s nothing wrong with that. You only have to read stories on mumsnet to see multiple problems in relationships - be happy and grateful for what you have.

Barbie222 · 24/05/2019 20:15

Are you SLT? Aiming for headship? You could earn nearer to 60k on your own if you were a secondary head in a biggish school. If not, why not? Maybe then you have your answer.

TheCraicDealer · 24/05/2019 20:18

Do you have kids? Does he pick up more chores or life admin than you? Contributions aren't always financial- I could see the benefit of staying in a low stress, low salary job if it comes with flexibility to help with childcare or other shared responsibilities, or if the person in question was in poor health etc. But otherwise I think it's a bit off coasting along professionally to that degree and relying on your partner to subsidise joint expenditure more than they need to. I would say that whether it was a man or woman and indeed have in the past.

BumbleBeee69 · 24/05/2019 20:24

YANBU OP Flowers

MysweetAudrina · 24/05/2019 20:34

If he is happy with your standard of living then yabu.

If you are unhappy then yabu as it is you that should be looking to earn more money.

Can you not take on extra work? Tutoring etc..

I earn twice as much as my dh but that's my choice and I don't expect him to match it. He can pay his share of the bills and extras. I can save for big expenses like home improvements and kids college.

InfiniteCurve · 24/05/2019 20:37

Does everyone really think it is the duty of everyone to earn as much as possible?
If your family needs the money to survive,then yes.
But if your ambition is to do a particular job,or to balance work with leisure,what's wrong with that exactly?
Ok,if the lower earning partner want the lifestyle their spouse's earnings provide,without contributing anything else to the relationship,but what if they aren't bothered?Perhaps they would be happy if their partner earned less - then they are being pushed to work differently so that their partner can be better off,and living a lifestyle they personally don't care about..

MoodLighting · 24/05/2019 20:45

I'd be annoyed if my DH expected me to pick up all the slack around the house because he works long hours in a job unnecessarily. But yeah I think YABU about the money. Both DH and I "under-earn" because we have chosen to do our thinks outside the corporate realm. Is your DH happy? Or is he labouring under the sunk costs fallacy and a bit stuck himself?

Manclife1 · 24/05/2019 20:53

When my wife met me I was on minimum wage and she earned at least double that. She was clear from the start it was me she liked not my job or income. We now each earn about £40k a year p/a. Do the guy a favour and leave him so he can find somebody who loves him for who he is not what he earns!

mrsm43s · 24/05/2019 20:54

Honestly YABU.

He earns a salary which, whilst not big, is respectable. Your combined household income is very comfortable. You don't really have anything to complain about

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 24/05/2019 21:06

Do the guy a favour and leave him so he can find somebody who loves him for who he is not what he earns

Exactly. If you want more money then go and earn more.

A man would be crucified on MN for saying his wife didn't earn enough or wasn't ambitious enough.

As long as he can pay his half of essential bills his job choice should be his alone.

m0therofdragons · 24/05/2019 21:10

My dh was a journalist so earned pretty poorly but he was happy doing a job he loved. Over the years I gently suggested options but I really didn't push as any career choice needed to be his. You spend so much of life at work, I will not be that wife that forces my dh into a career he's unfulfilled in and completely miserable doing. He decided to make the move to PR 2 years ago, earns more than double and on the whole enjoys it. But it had to come from him!

mindutopia · 24/05/2019 21:16

There’s nothing wrong with earning 22K but if he’s the lower earner, then he needs to pull his weight with family life and be flexible with his hours to accommodate your higher earning career.

My dh and I now earn roughly the same, but there was a time when I was doing a postgrad degree and earning less. I worked my hours around childcare and his longer days so he could build his career (while he also supported me in my degree). I now earn about 20K more and I did back then. He has cut his hours to make sure I can have time to devote to my career.

If he is earning less, his career realistically needs to give a bit, or he needs to get a bit more creative. There are lots of opportunities in creative fields (my dh is self employed in a creative field). It’s wonderful to have a passion, but it needs to work for the family as a whole.

Happyspud · 24/05/2019 21:21

This is tricky because I’ve never dated or been someone who would accept a low salary, certainly so long into a career. But money is not why I love my DH (or myself). I love our motivation, drive and shared goals. A good salary is just the output of that. If I lost my job or DH did and for whatever reason struggled to get another decently paying job the other of us would be right there getting their back. I would work min wage if I needed to while figuring out my next move and DH (or I) would never criticise that. But if one of us took the option of staying in a low level job for 20 yrs then neither of us would be the people we think we are.

So OP I think you main problem is not the money, it’s the lack of shared dreams and drive.

Ullupullu · 24/05/2019 21:22

There are some big gaps in your OP - do you have children?

Do you have childcare costs?

Do you pool funds into a joint account?

£22k salary in London vs elsewhere very different too!

On the surface YABU but it depends if his career choice is ensuring times are extremely tight for you (debt? beans for dinner every night?) or you just envy other people's lifestyles.

sleepwhenimred · 24/05/2019 21:24

I earn twice that of my DH's salary. I think you are being VU. Honestly his happiness is important. Materialism is not the be all and end all. If he was unemployed and refusing a job you'd have an argument but not happy as you earn more? YABU

Happyspud · 24/05/2019 21:25

Mindutopia, I disagree that the lower earner needs to be the one to be flexible to the higher earner. It’s that mindset that keeps women as the slaves to family life. A vicious circle for all women.

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