Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Annoyed about DH earnings... AIBU?

166 replies

Leafygreen25 · 24/05/2019 18:47

Okay so I need a rational opinion on this, because it's something I feel awful even saying, but I need to share...

I am happily married, my husband is a dream and my childhood sweetheart. However, I have this awful niggle of resentment about his earnings and ambition.
I am a secondary school teacher, so I earn a modest but fair wage. My husband works in a 'creative' field, and earns 22k a year... Eek...

I feel that I have made sacrifices to be where I am and earn what I do, all in order to better our lives and the lives of our children. However, my husband is unwilling to make a career change or seek any promotion opportunities to contribute to what I see as 'his side of the deal'. (In this job since 22yrsold!)

I feel awful addressing this with him because I don't know if I am out of line and I don't know how to approach this. I just feel that he is being a little naive and holding on to a pipedream of success in his chosen career, but it is at the detriment of our family lifestyle and well-being.
His job is also highly stressful with long hours, so he often comes home tired and P-off, so I don't even feel that we are gaining in regard to well being or work-life balance!

My question is where do I go with this? I hate to be the nagging wife, and I love him flaws and all, but it is a really unattractive quality and I feel like it is putting unfair pressure on me to pick up the financial slack for the sake of our family.

AIBU to expect him to follow in my footsteps of making personal sacrafices to move to a steady job with a fair wage? (Earning 22k was never part of our vision pre-marriage)

Any advice would be GREATLY appreciated.

OP posts:
Alarae · 24/05/2019 21:27

My OH has picked a career sector which will never really be highly paid unless he goes into management, which he does not want to do. He likes to be 'in the field' so to speak, and being a manager would take him away from that, so he won't really progress further.

He earns an average wage at 26k. I earn 42k currently, and likely to hit 60-70k in the next few years.

Honestly, his earning potential doesn't bother me in the slightest. As long as he is happy and feels fulfilled in what he does, and we are not struggling, I couldn't ask for anything more.

SleepingStandingUp · 24/05/2019 21:38

I think with a family income of 66k I'd be more focused on DH working long hours and being miserable than about how much he's earning. Unless you're living somewhere expensive ie London 66k isn't a bad family income.
If you were in the lower income job, your DH would be ripped to shreds for saying you need to earn more.

tolerable · 24/05/2019 21:46

..money/career is not my thing....neithers diplomacy. anyway. tho your post smaks of i love him..the half wage thing is clearly a problem issue for you,doubt he'll resent you for continuing to keep him in custom hes used to. remarket it praps..focus on him changing/progressing using his talents to gain job satisfaction.he might be more inclined if sees an easier haappy path.that.or tantrum.

user1479305498 · 24/05/2019 22:10

I think a lot of this depends on what you aren't doing/feel restricted by with him beng a moderate earner. Put it like this my 21 year old son who works in IT is on 25k (London) . I work in creative business too and the receptionist is on more than 22k, However a lot of this is relative to where you live which you don't say, I've seen some interesting jobs in the regions paying only that but other costs are often lower , although not necessarily in big city's. If you are in the regions then this kind of wage whilst not great is common, if in the south east someone is taking the piss or he hasn't got what it takes to get higher and maybe should look at a sideways move as you say he doesn't exactly live and breathe his job

Grainedmonkey · 24/05/2019 22:20

I would be miffed as well OP. Lack of ambition, no drive , happy to take the easy option ...... It's a bit lazy TBH and not an attractive trait.

SleepingStandingUp · 24/05/2019 22:26

He's working long hours, is stressed and dislikes his job. He's holding out for a dream to come true not cos its 8 hours a day of giggles. That's hardly the easy route is it.

RussianSpamBot · 24/05/2019 22:28

It kind of sounds like the balance is wrong more than anything.

Starrynights86 · 24/05/2019 22:32

My DP earns a lot less then me. But his job enables me to work long hoursat times, travel for work and go to evening functions. So I can earn my salary due to him in a way, it would be very hard having children if he was doing a similar type of corporate career.

kidsmakesomuchwashing · 24/05/2019 22:35

My DH earns a lot less than me. But his job is flexible, has different non-salary perks and he's happy. He could earn 4 times as much in the private sector doing his job but we'd not have any time to spend the money! We have a great joint income but we live to our means.

SandyY2K · 24/05/2019 23:04

£22k is a low wage for a married man.

My 16 yo works part time, but the FTE would be @£21k. She doesn't have a family to support on that pay either.

I don't think YABU. Lack of ambition or desire to earn more is an unattractive quality for me.

I like a certain lifestyle and 22k wouldn't cut it. I earn more than double your DHs wage and it's not enough. I don't live the life of riley at all. He doesn't have to match your income, but if anytime stuff needs doing it's down to you financially, I'd find it draining.

If you split up could he survive and support himself on 22k.

Seems a waste of a university education earning that kind of money...especially when he's not overly happy with the job.

It's not all about money, but when lack of it impacts on other parts of your marriage, then it becomes relevant.

fedup21 · 24/05/2019 23:11

I thought this was about earrings as wellGrin.

His job is also highly stressful with long hours, so he often comes home tired and P-off

£22k and lots of stress and long hours! Why?!

SkinnyPete · 24/05/2019 23:31

Lack of ambition or desire to earn more is an unattractive quality for me.

Thankfully not all women are like that, and the ones that are tend not to find their higher earning ambitious DH's that attractive either, ultimately anyway.

RRJR · 24/05/2019 23:43

Wow I feel so sorry for your poor husband

I’m also not shocked at the hypocrisy on this thread from some posters either! If the OP was a man everyone would be saying his money is your money, it should all go into one pot and he should love you regardless of what you earn, he isn’t funding your lifestyle it’s the families money etc. It doesn’t change anything simply because the OP is a woman!

OP, you’re a snob. Earning 30k will not make him any more of a man. Imagine if you were made redundant and he told you he wasn’t happy anymore as you weren’t earning plenty? What happens in the future if you suffered health problems and you had to go part time, are you going to be understanding if your husband becomes unhappy as you’re no longer earning good money?

You married him knowing his job and earnings. It’s a bit late to be complaining now. Besides.. 22k a year is a lot of money to some people!

Pushmepullyou · 24/05/2019 23:45

I don’t think yabu. You are doing a job that from the way you talk about it doesn’t seem to fulfil your ‘ideal’ and are effectively funding his lifestyle so he can dip out of making the positive changes that would improve your lives based and instead he daydreams (unrealistically?!) of a creative jackpot in future. That’s not very equitable and I can see why you don’t feel your in an equal partnership.

Pushmepullyou · 24/05/2019 23:46

Gosh, should have proof read that!

C0untDucku1a · 24/05/2019 23:50

Yanbu. Even if youre managing now, what would terrify me is his pension.

SkinnyPete · 25/05/2019 00:16

It's his pension though.

Jools7711 · 25/05/2019 00:56

Where I live 22 k is pretty darned good and I would be very happy earning that! You say you love him and he is great in every other way, then you should drop it. If he is really that unhappy then he will make a move. Provided that you are both happy enough and all your bills are paid then what is the real issue? I have been with someone who is too lazy to even search for work. And these days if you have a full-time job and it pays decent, you are blessed.

DaftHannah · 25/05/2019 01:04

DH sat back for years and let me be the main breadwinner. Meanwhile he had loads of time for his hobbies and suchlike.

These days I have arthritis in late 50s and am no longer able to do lots of extra 12 hour shifts to get the additional earnings. Amazingly enough he seems to be able to earn more by working harder himself. It was either that or give up his hobbies. Talk about being taken for a mug.

desparate4sleep · 25/05/2019 01:11

If he was in a job he lived then I would say YABU but the fact that he is stressed and moans about it would piss me off and shows he lacks ambition. Don't think it is something you can do anything about though you'll just have to further your career and progress to management if you want more money.

Ivgotasecretcanyoukeepit · 25/05/2019 01:12

Yanbu in the slightest op. 22k is an extremely low salary and under the National average if I remember correctly. I wouldnt be with my husband if he thought it was acceptable to earn a low salary as he was in a ‘creative’ role that he enjoyed while I had to work extra hours to provide a decent lifestyle for our family.

Jools7711 · 25/05/2019 01:18

These comments about "having a certain lifestyle" also intrigue me. What exactly does that mean? I am more than happy if I can pay my rent, buy food, cover my bills and have enough left over for the occasional night out, books, and the occasional holiday. There are people struggling on minimum wage in this country. If you earn 22k a year where I live, you are lucky. And if your combined salary is 60 something k, then you really are super blessed.

Yabbers · 25/05/2019 01:24

If you want more money why don’t you retrain and get a better job?

If he’s happy doing his job and you aren’t living in poverty, why should he leave to do a job he hates so you can have nice things?

GlitterPixie · 25/05/2019 02:27

YANBU my DP is the same he just drifts from low paying job to low paying job and I end up carrying the load. It really breeds resentment and 99% of our arguments are about money

HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 25/05/2019 02:40

The op's husband isn't happy in his job though, he works long hours and is stressed and grumpy after work. He stays in this stressful low paid job in the hope of having a big break. Meanwhile the op works in a notoriously stressful and difficult job to pay the majority of their expenses.

Yes I'd be unhappy with the poor decision making in staying in a bad career in hope of a pipe dream for decades. You need to be able to weigh up the likelihood of a big break vs the compromises for yourself and your family.

I know couples where one or both have continued to chase creative career dreams, accepting the most likely outcome is low earnings and less than ideal jobs rather than making it big. They've chosen this course together, accepting the negatives, and are both happy with the decision. It sounds like your dh still has his head in the clouds and has made this decision solo.