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Original poster

Annoyed about DH earnings... AIBU?

166 replies

Leafygreen25 · 24/05/2019 18:47

Okay so I need a rational opinion on this, because it's something I feel awful even saying, but I need to share...

I am happily married, my husband is a dream and my childhood sweetheart. However, I have this awful niggle of resentment about his earnings and ambition.
I am a secondary school teacher, so I earn a modest but fair wage. My husband works in a 'creative' field, and earns 22k a year... Eek...

I feel that I have made sacrifices to be where I am and earn what I do, all in order to better our lives and the lives of our children. However, my husband is unwilling to make a career change or seek any promotion opportunities to contribute to what I see as 'his side of the deal'. (In this job since 22yrsold!)

I feel awful addressing this with him because I don't know if I am out of line and I don't know how to approach this. I just feel that he is being a little naive and holding on to a pipedream of success in his chosen career, but it is at the detriment of our family lifestyle and well-being.
His job is also highly stressful with long hours, so he often comes home tired and P-off, so I don't even feel that we are gaining in regard to well being or work-life balance!

My question is where do I go with this? I hate to be the nagging wife, and I love him flaws and all, but it is a really unattractive quality and I feel like it is putting unfair pressure on me to pick up the financial slack for the sake of our family.

AIBU to expect him to follow in my footsteps of making personal sacrafices to move to a steady job with a fair wage? (Earning 22k was never part of our vision pre-marriage)

Any advice would be GREATLY appreciated.

OP posts:
nrpmum · 25/05/2019 08:37

It's not the money that is the problem here. You both need to sit down and discuss how you're going to make your promotion work. It sounds like he had his head in the sand about how home life works. I wish you both well.

CannoninD · 25/05/2019 08:41

YABU OP 😒

Haven’t RTFT (phone won’t let me skip pages) but nobody HAS to be ambitious or money driven. All you HAVE to do is earn the basic needed to cover living expenses but beyond that It’s personal preference.

I earn about £27k currently but my fiancé (DH in 2 weeks) earns over 3x my salary. I have NO intention of earning more and am not overly ambitious in the work place. (Aim to be a writer and have a baking side business) I want to enjoy my life and will at some point reduce to PT.

I don’t spend a lot- never have. Our mortgage is low and I could earn £10k a year and still cover half our expenses.

DF knows this and is fine with it. I have very different ambitions in life to him. He wants nice holidays and nice things which is fine, so he works hard to get them. He knows I’m not fussed and will contribute what/when I can.

If you’re not happy OP then push your own career and earn more. Or leave your DH on the basis that what you want has changed - but don’t winge, moan and judge him for being who he is!

RussianSpamBot · 25/05/2019 08:43

It does, doesn't it? A poster upthread said he saw his job as being as important to the family as OPs, I'd actually say he sees it as being more important, since it requires that OP pick up slack.

Bluntness100 · 25/05/2019 08:44

Take the deputy head role if offered it. He's going to have to step up and make it work,.the jump in your salary alone covers his.

How old are you both? If he's been doing this for years with no movement, he doesn't love it, finds it stressful, I'd suspect he's not very good at it, I'm sorry, and he knows it.. So take your job and tell him he needs to step up.

Conks · 25/05/2019 08:47

Bloody hell. My DH earns £60,000 and I earn £12,000. He’s never once complained thank god. You are being very unreasonable

Dieu · 25/05/2019 08:52

I wouldn't find his lack of ambition attractive, I must admit.

Mind you, I have known so many ambitious but arrogant, selfish men.

A middle ground would be good!

snoopy18 · 25/05/2019 08:52

The creative industry can be challenging depending on what he’s doing - what does he do in the industry?

22k is a decent wage depending on your lifestyle choices I guess but maybe he doesn’t have confidence to change jobs?

It does sound like there are other issues going on so good luck in sorting.

itsnotallbbqsandshrimp · 25/05/2019 08:53

Oh op. Don't turn that job down.

LoubyLou1234 · 25/05/2019 08:55

It's like another world sometimes on here. I don't earn much more than that as a HCP in the NHS. To be honest I'm happy with my wage, We have a low mortgage and living costs and plenty left over for holidays, savings and fun. I'm lucky that I'm in a vocation I love. I didn't realise so many people were so money or ambition focused.

My partner earns a little more than me, we have separate finances and no children so it really doesn't matter. However even if he earned less i wouldn't give a shit, I love him for him not his work. The gorgeous kind, generous and supportive him. Work is only part of our lives to be honest. For him it's a means to an end to get a wage, it's fine that he doesn't want to progress to the top. That could bring much more stress as well as more money. I'd rather him have less cash than be grumpy and stressed. He has a good pension and is grear with money.

I didn't realise our simple relaxed outlook on life was so rare according to some on these boards.

JoJoSM2 · 25/05/2019 08:56

OP, good luck with the promotion.

I'd sit down for a very serious chat with your husband. Personally, I can understand 22k if it means job satisfaction and work-life balance enabling you to grow your career. But 22k to work long hours, be stressed, grumpy with the family and you doing more childcare is frankly ridiculous.

RussianSpamBot · 25/05/2019 08:56

There are going to end up being loads of posts reaming the OP, from people who only read the title and first post but no updates.

HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 25/05/2019 08:56

Funny how, even now in these days of equal opportunities, the man is supposed to be the main earner.

If you’re not happy OP then push your own career and earn more.

Have you read the op? She is thinking of turning down a promotion because her dh's job means he can't pull his weight

Megan2018 · 25/05/2019 08:58

I earn more than double DH, whats the issue with that? If you want more money and he doesn’t you earn it!

Aozora13 · 25/05/2019 09:03

It sounds to me like the real issue is that your family is not seeing the benefit from your DH’s career choice. He’s not bringing in as much money as he could do otherwise, he’s not pulling his weight at home (and I bet in most of those households where the man significantly out-earns the woman, she’s doing the bulk of the housework/childcare etc), he’s not even doing something he enjoys and bringing joy home to you!

So yes I think it’s time you get to focus on your career OP - go for the promotion and DH can work around you for the next few years.

MarshaBradyo · 25/05/2019 09:04

Do not turn down the promotion

MarshaBradyo · 25/05/2019 09:06

It’s a different question to he should be earning more, it might not be something he can change.

But you should both look at how to facilitate your promotion

RussianSpamBot · 25/05/2019 09:06

The OP is literally considering not going for a massive promotion and pay hike because of the limitations DHs job imposes on her megan2018. The people telling OP to earn more money herself would have a point if there were home circumstances in place to facilitate that, if DH were doing his share. He isn't.

billy1966 · 25/05/2019 09:10

Definitely YNBU.
Do not let that great promotion pass you.
You need to sit down and have a frank conversation.

Clearly written down in black and white.
Hi hours/your hours
His commute/your commute
His housework time contribution/yours
His childcare timecontribution/yours
His salary/your salary

Black and white. No sugar coating.
He needs to step up.

Tell him it is causing resentment.
You need the promotion because you do have a problem in your marriage.

Good luck.

Amara123 · 25/05/2019 09:11

A lot of people saying to the op to "earn more money" if she wants it obviously haven't read the full thread. She wants to and has a great promotion opportunity but her husband's job doesn't allow her to do so as it involves lots of late working.
Those posters who posted about their own low wages with high earning husbands are also missing the point. I bet most of not all of you are shouldering most of the household responsibilities which allows your husbands to sustain their careers. OPs husband is expecting her to do both, earn most the money and do most around the home. That's just not workable.

Ellisandra · 25/05/2019 09:18

Go for the promotion!!

OP, I think that was a massive drip feed.
On your OP, I thought - it’s not all about money. But if the lower earner has a commute that is fucking up your chance of promotion, that’s entirely different.

Stuckforthefourthtime · 25/05/2019 09:18

Yanbu. Its not a great salary for someone with 20 years experience, who is working long hours and getting tired out at work, AND who still expects to do 50% or less of the household work and spend equally.

You'll always get a lot of yabus here, because of all the women who have minimum wage /part time jobs that they like, subsidised by partners who earn more. To me that's fine if it's a joint decision and an equal partnership overall, but otherwise it's pretty bloody unfair.

I'm the main earner too, in a job that is fine but certainly not my passion, while my DH has earned less and got to do what he loves. I wonder how many of the 'yabu' posters would feel if suddenly the shoe was on the other foot and their partners were earning 10k a year doing 'part time writing and baking', to quote one...

yoursworried · 25/05/2019 09:18

Yanbu, 22k is not a great salary for a graduate with experience. If he worked short days and could do childcare around this, then I would understand a bit but long hours is not a good thing on that salary.
I have had to take twists and turns in my career and do things that aren't my ideal to earn more money: this is because my husband works super hard and we always agreed we'd both work as hard as we could to provide our children with the lifestyle we wanted for them.

So, yeah I'm with you on this one.

LizzieSiddal · 25/05/2019 09:21

What does he think about you not taking it because he’s been perusing his dream for 20 years. Because this is what’s happening here.

You’d be mad not to take this job. It’s his turn to step up and do the childcare and it’s your turn to follow your dreams.

yoursworried · 25/05/2019 09:25

Oh I just read the deputy head bit; don't turn that opportunity down! He needs to adjust his patterns to allow you this success. I got the opportunity for a promotion this time last year and almost didn't take it as I couldn't see how it could work around DHs hours and childcare stuff. He was so keen for me to take it (because I wanted it) that he dropped down to 4 days and adjusted his hours so he could take the kids to school. He should support your opportunity to earn such a good salary and have a great job.

KnittingForMittens · 25/05/2019 09:26

You should just like my "D" H. Money minded, selfish individual.