Annoyed about DH earnings... AIBU?

[Leafygreen25]

Okay so I need a rational opinion on this, because it's something I feel awful even saying, but I need to share...

I am happily married, my husband is a dream and my childhood sweetheart. However, I have this awful niggle of resentment about his earnings and ambition.
I am a secondary school teacher, so I earn a modest but fair wage. My husband works in a 'creative' field, and earns 22k a year... Eek...

I feel that I have made sacrifices to be where I am and earn what I do, all in order to better our lives and the lives of our children. However, my husband is unwilling to make a career change or seek any promotion opportunities to contribute to what I see as 'his side of the deal'. (In this job since 22yrsold!)

I feel awful addressing this with him because I don't know if I am out of line and I don't know how to approach this. I just feel that he is being a little naive and holding on to a pipedream of success in his chosen career, but it is at the detriment of our family lifestyle and well-being.
His job is also highly stressful with long hours, so he often comes home tired and P-off, so I don't even feel that we are gaining in regard to well being or work-life balance!

My question is where do I go with this? I hate to be the nagging wife, and I love him flaws and all, but it is a really unattractive quality and I feel like it is putting unfair pressure on me to pick up the financial slack for the sake of our family.

AIBU to expect him to follow in my footsteps of making personal sacrafices to move to a steady job with a fair wage? (Earning 22k was never part of our vision pre-marriage)

Any advice would be GREATLY appreciated.

YANBU op, not at all. The reality is you’ve got a family to raise. One day you might have to pay uni costs for DC, have a pension or savings. State pension alone is not sufficient and to ignore the problem is storing up a hard life later on. I think have a heart to heart, be supportive, get HIM to try and really engage on the issue not gloss over it. There is a big difference between a job ‘low patch’ and needing to fundamentally make a brave step change for the better. Perhaps you need to consider that possibility too? The low wage, high demand must be emotionally draining for him actually. I don’t see how it can’t be. Good luck!

Just to add, every once in a while most people step back from their day to day job and ask “what am I doing?” “What have I achieved at this point in my life?”
Whilst I appreciate that job and money are not the only measures of happiness and self worth for anyone, to commit so much time to something and receive so little back for a graduate isn’t great.

Not wanting a job purely to get more money sounds like a very attractive quality to me. Happiness is worth so much more than money, if you love your job and earn loads then great, but money is not the most important thing to me. I actually think your feelings say more about you than him.

You sound like you want him to earn more so you don’t have to earn anything? Why can’t you except him as he is?

YANBU.

You're subsidising his creative work, which would be fine if you were happy to do it. But you're not. You're not a high earner yourself which makes it more important for each to contribute.

I think it might be different if he was blissfully happy, had a lot of work/life balance and contributed more to the household in other ways, but that's doesn't sound like the case. It would drive me mad if he was coming home late and moaning about how stressed he is while earning £10k less than he could
in a 9-5 job.

To the people suggesting you are a snob- I don't agree that it's snobby to want to be financially secure when you have a young family. It's just sensible to want to pay off your home, have the option of paying for school/tutors/clubs/piano lessons/orthodontists/travel or whatever and save for retirement. If some people are happy earning a low wage and simply meeting basic outgoings- good for them. But most people aspire to more than that and it's lucky they do or we'd have the whole population on benefits come retirement age.

I think you need to have an honest with DH. Tell him what you told us. Many couples decide that one person is to be the main breadwinner and the other person contributes in other ways - but you haven't decided that, it's been thrust upon you. Have a discussion. Ask what his plan is for the next 10 years.

Also I recommend seeing a financial planner together. It will force a conversation about shared financial goals. When do you want to retire? How do you want to live in retirement? Etc. they'll tell you what you need to be earning/saving today to make that happen- you may both find that you're not earning enough!

I don’t think it’s a great salary for anyone 20 years into a career, if you’ve not grown the financial side then it shrieks that you’re not really well suited to it

In some industries (especially some creative ones), being on £22k is having “grown the financial side”. Starting salary for a staff writer where I worked when I graduated 15 years about was £9500, with a degree. Section editors were on about £14-£16k. So if he’s been in this industry a long time he may have already doubled his salary.

Unless we literally couldn’t cope financially, I’d rather my DH did a job he enjoys than have more money, but that’s me - you may well feel differently.

I think a lot of posters are missing a key fact-

OP's DH does not enjoy his job, and in fact moans about it to OP.

Wake up. The money is a redherring. Its him being a miserable grump that's the issue. Dh does this and its driving our relationship to the bring. He earns about 10k less than me and yet constantly moans about his job so he isn't happy in it, and he earns a crap wage to. Have a really hard think and observe your interactions because your DH is getting something else out of (as dr Phil says, people behave as they do because of a pay off so what's the pay off?). For my DH its pretending he's the breadwinner even though he isn't, it's taking off to the garden or wherever to relax whilst I deal with family life. What you see will be the real issue.

I think YABU, earning c. £40k, to be resentful about only bringing in £22k - its a combined household income that really ought to be allowing for a good family lifestyle and savings (London house prices aside).

But your DH doesn’t sound happy in the job so I guess there are two questions is his expectation of promotion and financial reward a) realistic b) going to make him happy even if it comes - wont pressure and hours be harder? Could he find a mentor/coach in the industry he could use as a sounding board on the former and to coach him to try to get a more senior job?

Yanbu in identifying lack of ambition as an unattractive trait... what do you do about it though? I have a similar problem but at least I'm not married to him, and tbh I think this will be why our relationship stumbles. Back to you though, could you sit down and have a chat about where you're both at and where you want to be? Without telling him he needs to be more ambitious, but encouraging him to recognise his qualities and what he'd look for in a new job? It needs to be his idea otherwise he'll feel a failure.

While I understand your reasons for wishing he'd change jobs, 22k is not too shabby. It's a considerable amount more than minimum wage. And if you're on almost twice that, that's definitely not a 'modest' wage. 60k joint income is flipping comfortable.

I think £60k joint income is comfortable in some parts of the UK but not all.

Also OP hasn't said how many children they have, what their hopes are in terms of retirement and travel, if they own their house etc.

Also some people want to accrue wealth and have choices in life- that's not a bad thing.

YABVU

My DH is a self employed tradesman and earns less than £30k doing the same trade he's done since he was 16, I'd never EVER push him to do something else "just to earn more money" - sorry but that's pure greed!

You sound like you look down on him because he doesn't earn as much as you, that's just awful!

You need to start living within your means

I earn almost triple what DH does btw, neither of us couldn't give a fig about our difference in earnings

OP, working in education you will fully appreciate that teaching assistants work really hard for an annual pay that is significantly less than your husband brings home. And you will probably also be aware that many teaching assistants are degree educated.
My husband works hard, as do I, and between us our take home pay is less than what you make alone. It's offensive to read that many posters see a lower income as a sign of poor motivation, or assume that a degree will entitle you to a higher wage and that if you aren't achieving that then there is something wrong with you.

Wow.

Just imagine ALL of the people who have read this who earn and work hard for 22k or below after you have just said “22k...eeek”

And some people may have worked very hard at getting a job for even that much.

So, well done on insulting a large proportion of people. Whether male or female.

And if you can’t manage on a joint income of £60k you’re either absolutely terrible at budgeting or you’ve got too many out goings because you’re living beyond your means. Since you seem very money orientated I’m going to guess the latter.

I think you can guess whether or not I think you’re being unreasonable

I am in a similar position. My husband works at home and has taken a 10k drop in salary and also loss company car.
I am the major income earner —2.5 times his salary
My husband is much happier . I work in a stressful job with long days - he cooks the meals, the house is tidy.
My husband being happy is more important to me than money.
If he went back to working for a company it would take some pressure off me but marriage is about enabling each other to flourish and be happy. Your husband is content with less. He is not as financially and career ambitious but if he is lovely and supportive in other ways then let him be. You cannot change the man you married ( thousands of women have tried , none successful!)
Teaching is hard. Make sure you self care - exercise, eat well, look at yoga or mindfulness. Do one thing every day that makes you happy - even just a walk in the park, a glass wine with a friend, a hot bath with candles
Take care.

Why is everyone going on about work life balance, leisure and happiness when the op has CLEARLY said his job doesn't bring that.

OP isn't being unreasonable.

She has taken into context; long hours, moany Joe, no work/ life balance and his ability/ capability.

If he was in a low paid job but happy, then fine. But he comes home all grumpy and that is not what the other half wants after also, a long/ stressful day at work.

She's highlighted on his wage because she knows he can do better than wasting his time in a dead end role/ job, considering his skillset.

Sometimes in life, not everything can be put in writing as opposed to what one goes through daily. OP goes through the practicality of living with this and it can be frustrating when one can't be driven and just be comfortable in a shitty job that takes everything out you and gives you fuck all in return.

Yes I think he can do better than that.

Have to agree with the posters saying that people are not reading the ops contribution. It would feel like a bad deal to me if my partner was working tonnes of hours in a job he disliked for a low wage on the ever diminishing chance it might turn into the dream.
It would mean I was picking up the slack at home, despite contributing more to the household, to have someone come home moaning at me.
The actual wage is probably not the core issue, the cost benefit of the job probably is.

Thank you all for the replies, it's definitely given me food for thought.

Many of you have hit the nail on the head, it's not a financial problem really, it's just the frustration that I feel that I'm having to do more than my fair share holistically as a result of his job. He also drives a 45min commute, which means that on top of everything I am also responsible for childcare.
(This is for no reason other than work, DH is a great with the LO's).
Our lifestyle would be significantly better and possibly work-life balance too on his part, of he would even contemplate a job/career move)

In reply to the comments saying I should be earning more, the reason this has came up for me, is because I've been put forward for a deputy head role at my school. It's a huge pay jump (70k - who said teaching was a bad career choice, eh), but also working hours and responsibilities, so I'm more than likely going to have to decline due to our situation. I cannot take on any more work because his job is taking quite a toll on everything else, and all for what I feel is a very low wage.
It's frustrating because I have worked hard to be where I am, but I feel that we are not feeling the full benefits of it as a family due to DH not pulling his weight. I want to set a good example to our children also about ambition and work ethic and I feel that he is holding on to a teenage dream and it's time to let go for the sake of our family.

To those saying I have offended them by commenting on 22k being a low wage, I apologise, but in my opinion it is very low FOR HIM considering he has a good degree and I actually mentor NQT's on a higher wage than this (graduate teachers start on around 24k minimum).

I'm going to have a big think about how I can approach this with him. I don't want to hurt his feelings, but I just feel it's time to be realistic. Any advice on how I can approach this with him would be great.

Leafy green, I think the first thing is to decide whether you would like the promotion. If you do, then the conversation will have to be around how you as a family might make this work.
I also wonder if he would benefit from some career coaching, someone who hasn't changed jobs for aeons is likely to feel very anxious about moving.

Just to add, for the posters who are talking about the hypocrisy if it were a man talking about a woman, I have to disagree... I think it's totally different, although I wish it wasn't necessary to be. We struggled significantly during my maternity leave (I actually returned to work early!) , so maybe it will be hypocritical the day that women receive their full wage during maternity! It's very different to a woman relying on a higher earning or equal earning DH when they are pregnant, than relying on their statutory leave pay and savings.

My STBXH's OW and her "STBXH" are in this boat. She is a teacher and I believe he earns a similar amount to your DH. (I know where and who he works for - EX told me).
STBXH meet OW at work and I believe that the reason that she "fell" for my ex "DH" was in part due to resentment that he was earning a lot less and that she was contributing a bigger share to the household pot.
Your post therefore raises big flags for me. Your resentment at your DH's earning could mask bigger issues within your marriage.
Your DH is working and earning a decent wage. As other PP have said if the shoe was on the other foot and you were earning say £10K how happy would you be with your DH for saying that you weren't contributing enough to the family finances? I resented the implications from ex that I wasn't earning as much as he was - he was of course spending my money (yes literally as he was stealing from me) on OW.
If you are earning around double what he does - you should still be able to enjoy a very reasonable standard of living.
I think that YABVU.

You should take the £70k role - can he then be a SAHD?

YANBU