Annoyed about DH earnings... AIBU?

[Leafygreen25]

Okay so I need a rational opinion on this, because it's something I feel awful even saying, but I need to share...

I am happily married, my husband is a dream and my childhood sweetheart. However, I have this awful niggle of resentment about his earnings and ambition.
I am a secondary school teacher, so I earn a modest but fair wage. My husband works in a 'creative' field, and earns 22k a year... Eek...

I feel that I have made sacrifices to be where I am and earn what I do, all in order to better our lives and the lives of our children. However, my husband is unwilling to make a career change or seek any promotion opportunities to contribute to what I see as 'his side of the deal'. (In this job since 22yrsold!)

I feel awful addressing this with him because I don't know if I am out of line and I don't know how to approach this. I just feel that he is being a little naive and holding on to a pipedream of success in his chosen career, but it is at the detriment of our family lifestyle and well-being.
His job is also highly stressful with long hours, so he often comes home tired and P-off, so I don't even feel that we are gaining in regard to well being or work-life balance!

My question is where do I go with this? I hate to be the nagging wife, and I love him flaws and all, but it is a really unattractive quality and I feel like it is putting unfair pressure on me to pick up the financial slack for the sake of our family.

AIBU to expect him to follow in my footsteps of making personal sacrafices to move to a steady job with a fair wage? (Earning 22k was never part of our vision pre-marriage)

Any advice would be GREATLY appreciated.

22k after 20 years working is rubbish. That's about £11 an hour.

I agree with you.

@KnittingforMittens why is he still your husband?

@Ellisandra because I love for who he is, not what he earns. Like the OP says, he is amazing in every other ways bar being money minded but he has accepted that if he does not like where I work and what I earn, then he knows where the door is.

OP I don't think you are being unfair, I would feel exactly the same. it is one thing putting things on hold to pursue a particular career, but most of the time (especially if he was trying to get into this career for a while anyway), you can still pursue a different career while making good money elsewhere.

in fact, if I could choose ANYTHING, it wouldn't be the job I am in now, although I love it in lots of ways. one of the main reasons is that it pays well and on balance, that counts for a lot. I want to be able to have a comfortable life.

I wonder what your DH would have done or would do if you took a low paid job now? would he mind or care about the lack of money?

it is a difficult topic and im not sure how you should approach tbh but I totally get why you feel as you do. of course the other argument is if you knew this when you had a family with him, can you complain now? it is a difficult one.

I think I must be missing something here? How is him being at work, earning a salary, mean he's not pulling his weight? If he's not at home due to being at work then how can he always be doing housework and child care at the same time? He would have to do his share at the weekend surely?
How many children do you have and how old are they?

If he's not happy at work then why isn't he looking for another job? You say he's grumpy in the evenings but is that due to his job or the fact you obviously resent him and it's causing problems in your marriage?

I think there's more going on here.

@KnittingforMittens I can’t imagine staying married to someone who I called selfish and wouldn’t use the “D” of DH about. That sounds more like the who he is, that the what he earns bit! My XH was selfish (no issue around money!) and I found his selfishness impossible to live with.

YANBU at all OP.

Can't he see the problem? Is he stubbornly not listening as he's obsessed with one day getting his 'creative break'? Believe me that often doesn't happen which you probably know already. I hope he sees sense and faces up to his responsibilities.

Has OPs husband been on £22k for 20 YEARS? I can't see that anywhere.

If he's not happy at work then why isn't he looking for another job?

Op explains because he hopes it will get better (which it hasn't) and he is chasing a teenage dream.

How is him being at work, earning a salary, mean he's not pulling his weight?

Op has to do childcare drop offs and pick ups as he works long hours and has a long commute, which make it difficult/ impossible for her to accept promotion with longer hours for herself.

The comprehension skills on this thread are very very low.

You should def take the deputy head job (if you want it) Then the logical thing for the children's benefit, and his, would be him doing all the childcare. Can he continue to earn as a freelancer, working from home around that? I'm guessing he's a graphic designer or similar. Your wage increase would take the pressure off and he would actually enjoy work in a field he is passionate about.

If you don’t want to take the deputy headship and have him work fewer days/ go freelance/ be SAHD, then approach your dissatisfaction from the POV of his work life balance, stress levels he brings to the family etc.

AND who still expects to do 50% or less of the household work and spend equally.

I never realised that because I provide 80% of our household income I can pro rata my contribution to household chores and keep more money for myself. I'm sure OH will be delighted that he is now responsible for 80% of jobs as he doesn't earn enough

I am the lower earner in our household mainly due to my career choices but also having children. I can earn sporadically and have big lumps of cash or months where I earn the bare minimum. But I can earn 20k on 3 days work a year, I plan to step up more when the youngest leaves prep school but it seems your dh has no such ambition? Is this is the extent of what he can earn ?

The bonus for my dh is that 3 days a week I am entirely there for the dc do all drop offs and pick ups, drive about for clubs and he works Saturdays so I am there for that. He works evenings do I am here for that.

If I did what I do and he had to pick up all the childcare I don’t think he would have agreed to my career choices.

It is a partnership and your dh is not really actively seeing it as such.

You'll always get a lot of yabus here, because of all the women who have minimum wage /part time jobs that they like, subsidised by partners who earn more. To me that's fine if it's a joint decision and an equal partnership overall, but otherwise it's pretty bloody unfair.

I think that's a good point. There are lots of women on here who earn half of what their male partners do, or less. In most cases either they're also doing more of the childcare and household stuff or it's a consequence of having previously done so. So there's sort of an underlying assumption that this will be the case when there's a large income imbalance, and certainly nobody stops to think oh, actually the higher earner might be the one doing the facilitating here.

OP tbf didn't help herself with the drip feed, but I think the assumptions being made are quite instructive.

@soulrider

Depends on the circumstances. If you both love your jobs equally and have equal leisure time at home then sure, sharing is great. But if you wer in a situation more like OP's, where you are in a job that is fine but not a passion, while your DH gets to do a job he loves (but could earn a lot more or work a lot more flexibly and earn the same), then surely you would actually be pretty pissed off if he then expected you to take on extra home tasks around his long commute and exhaustion? And in that scenario, would it also be fair that he gets equal spending power?

I earn more than DH and it all goes in a joint pot and works out, but only because we both contribute equally overall, even if it is at different salaries. That's not the case for op.