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Original poster

have accidentally caught out dp lying about where he is.....what to do now

166 replies

FrenchFanciesYesPlease · 24/05/2019 10:55

dp and I live in town A (not together). His ex lives with their dcs in town B which is 2 hours away by car. We have what I would have described as a very easy going, happy relationship. Or so I thought!

a week or so ago, accidentally, dp sent me a message for his ex confirming he was picking up the dcs and taking them out on the evening of day1 (he usually stays there as he has a room at their house). We already had plans to meet on day 2 and he was staying at mine and spending day 3 together.

a few days later, he sends me a message saying he is seeing dc on the evening of day 2 and 3 and can we rearrange. I said fine (and thought him and ex must have just rearranged day 1) and he said why don't we do lunch on day 2 before he goes to town B for the evening.

coincidentally for work, I happen to be driving through town B on day 1. I stop at a petrol station and am filling up when lo and behold, I spot dp's car driving by. He has no reason to be in town B at all. I was going to call him then I thought let me just drive past his ex's house and see and lo and behold, his car is there.

day 2 he was going to meet me for lunch (as arranged) and I was going to be coming back from somewhere up north and arriving at Euston. I predict, in my head, that he will now come up with an excuse as he normally spends the whole day with his dcs when he goes down the night before. Lo and behold, morning of day 2, he says sorry he can't make it as he's ill Hmm and says I'm really sad because I wanted to surprise you at Euston (he knew what train I was coming in on). I didn't say anything and he then sends me a picture of an online booked train ticket from his train station to Euston which would have arrived 45 mins after my train arrived Hmm

I am not going to confront him till we see each other person but why on earth would you lie like this? I know there is nothing between him and ex but if this was innocent, you wouldn't lie like this would you? I suspect he is covering for whatever he did on the night of day 2 :( (as he would have come back from ex/dcs on day2). Should I just confront him with this or just tell him I think something is going on?

OP posts:
Original poster
FrenchFanciesYesPlease · 24/05/2019 13:37

happily the way he worded the messages about seeing his dcs is that he had been sorting out a day with his ex and it had settled on the Tuesday (implying he wasn't doing Monday). So he would normally go over there, take them out for tea and stay the next day and come home in the evening. So the way he worded his messages was that that day was Tuesday (even though he had sent the message to his ex agreeing on Monday).

We were meant to meet for lunch on Tuesday. He went round there Monday, as arranged with his ex and clearly not cancelled, and then tells me he's too sick to make our Tuesday date (because he's still there), then makes this huge song and dance about meeting me at Euston as a surprise which he could never have done as he was nowhere near London!

The thing re his kids - I don't mind when or how often he goes there. But obviously all along the intention was to be there Monday. So either he's hiding something with her or something with whoever he saw on Tuesday night (when I believed him to be there). I don't know which one and I suspect I will never know!

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 24/05/2019 13:44

If your friend's children go to the same school as his children, couldn't you ask your friend to do some undercover work? It should be pretty easy to discover whether he's still in a relationship with his ex.

HollowTalk · 24/05/2019 13:46

I reckon it will be something as simple as the later train ticket (his proof) was cheaper than the earlier one and he thought, "Sod it, I'll just get that one."

Lovemusic33 · 24/05/2019 13:48

My ex did something similar, was meant to be with his kids but then I found out that his kids were seen in town with someone else when he was meant to be with them, his timings didn’t add up. I questioned him and he gave me some excuse that he met his best mate in town for a coffee after handing the kids over to their mum. Anyway, few months later I found out he had arranged to meet a woman he had met online, he went to hers and had sex (during the time he was meant to be with his kids). My point is....follow your gut in this one, why would he lie if he was just spending time with his kids? Either there’s something going on with his ex or he’s been meeting someone else? Maybe look for more evidence before confronting him or he will just make up a plausible excuse.

quizqueen · 24/05/2019 13:49

With all this town A/B business and staying overnight at his ex's house, when does he have time to go to work!

EKGEMS · 24/05/2019 13:57

Just send him a text that says "Unfortunately I've come to realize you're an accomplished liar and I cannot be in a relationship with a person I cannot trust. I'll contact you next week about picking up your belongings"

LemonTT · 24/05/2019 13:57

FGS, what more is there to do than end it. Dignity not drama.
Get him to explain if you want but the trust has gone.

Intothe · 24/05/2019 14:03

Something going on alright, otherwise why lie about being sick at home in town A when he's actually in town B.

Rabbiting0n · 24/05/2019 14:07

He must know he sent you the text instead of the ex, because it will be in your conversation history, surely?

And if it's not, is it not possible that he thought he had agreed Monday with the ex, so travelled to hers, only to find that it didn't work out because she'd never got his text? He could have just stayed there for convenience, with the intention of seeing his DC on the Tuesday, as he'd told you.

The train thing is weird. But I find the texts weirder. I've never accidentally text the wrong person and not noticed, even if it took several days for me to dip back into the message thread. I'm not sure anything stacks up at all.

SavingSpaces2019 · 24/05/2019 14:11

are his kids not in school during the day on Tuesdays? Hmm

magicBrenda · 24/05/2019 14:12

Well he was lying about being at a woman’s house.

You’ve got to ask yourself why ...

BumbleBeee69 · 24/05/2019 14:16

OP you sound like a lovely person, sorry you met this lying toad, and well done for seeing through his dubious behaviour and not tolerating it. Flowers

VaggieMight · 24/05/2019 14:24

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at poster's request.

MilkyMamma · 24/05/2019 14:25

I'm sorry, OP. The train ticket was where he totally outed himself, not to mention the fact that he was blatantly lying.

Lovethetimeyouhave · 24/05/2019 14:31

Gosh OP I'm sorry, seems he wants his cake and to eat it

mikado1 · 24/05/2019 14:33

This reminds me of a friend who's DP told her he couldn't meet up because he was visiting his parents, so she called by to drop off concern tickets she'd bought him and his car was outside. Asked him how he'd got there and he told her by car [Hmm] She broke it off, couldn't trust him and didn't want to be someone he obviously felt he couldn't tell the truth to. She then stupidly got back together with him over a year later

Original poster
FrenchFanciesYesPlease · 24/05/2019 14:42

oh he knew he sent me the message. About 2 messages later he sent one saying 'oh sorry that was meant for X'. I said, don't worry, I had guessed that!

it was days later when he rearranged our date and he said I've agreed to see the dcs on Tuesday. Either he assumed I'd forgotten about the message or assumed I would think he had rearranged. But the wording in his message to his ex was very certain so already at that point, I thought hmm that's a bit strange.

He is definitely lying (for whatever reason) because he's acting all guilty now and being over nice and saying how much he can't wait to see me Monday. Now that I can see the behaviour, it's all completely obvious to me and I'm just kicking myself that I didn't see it sooner.

OP posts:
Original poster
FrenchFanciesYesPlease · 24/05/2019 14:45

and I think if I try and get him to explain, he will lie and cover up more. I don't think with people like this you ever get the truth. I'm not sure what he's up to and chances are I will never ever know. What I do know is I can't tolerate being with someone who is setting out to deceive me, for whatever reason that may be!

OP posts:
Mycatatetherat · 24/05/2019 14:45

MN is a funny place....I wrote a thread similar to this the other day and the general gist was that I must be an over reactor and that's why my bf lied to me about where he was!
I think your gut is telling you the truth.

HollowTalk · 24/05/2019 14:46

I don't think he saw you at the garage because otherwise he would have sent a text telling you he was unexpectedly called there.

Original poster
FrenchFanciesYesPlease · 24/05/2019 14:51

hollow I don't think he has any clue and I don't think he saw me. I think he completely thinks he's got away with it and is being over nice because he has.

mycat sorry to hear that! I am definitely not an over reactor. I'm someone who is very relaxed in a relationship. Everyone our age tends to have kids and a history so it's not something that ever bothers me. But I think in this case, he's taken advantage of my laid back nature.

OP posts:
Original poster
FrenchFanciesYesPlease · 24/05/2019 14:53

have just eaten 1500 calories of chocolate (huge dairy milk slab) and have a bottle of wine for later. I now feel what a waste of a year.

he is still texting saying how poorly he is Hmm and how he can't wait to see me. He's probably out and about having a wonderful time with someone the lying little shit!

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 24/05/2019 14:56

The thing is that I don't understand why he couldn't have told you what he was doing in the first place. If you're used to him staying over at his kids' house, then why couldn't he just tell you that's what he was going to do? What's all the crap about buying tickets and lying about where he was?

What were the other things that made you suspicious?

Do you think he's got another woman on the go? Do you regularly go to his place?

Bookworm4 · 24/05/2019 14:57

Why does he stay over at his ex when it's close enough to drive to? I've never heard of anyone's ex having a 'room' at their house, sounds like he's keeping you both going. Get rid.

Mycatatetherat · 24/05/2019 14:59

I fully empathise frenchfancies it's horrible finding out someone you've taken on blind faith so far is actually lying. Even if it's innocent, once the trust is gone you start to question everything and that's no way to be in a relationship.