have accidentally caught out dp lying about where he is.....what to do now

[FrenchFanciesYesPlease]

dp and I live in town A (not together). His ex lives with their dcs in town B which is 2 hours away by car. We have what I would have described as a very easy going, happy relationship. Or so I thought!

a week or so ago, accidentally, dp sent me a message for his ex confirming he was picking up the dcs and taking them out on the evening of day1 (he usually stays there as he has a room at their house). We already had plans to meet on day 2 and he was staying at mine and spending day 3 together.

a few days later, he sends me a message saying he is seeing dc on the evening of day 2 and 3 and can we rearrange. I said fine (and thought him and ex must have just rearranged day 1) and he said why don't we do lunch on day 2 before he goes to town B for the evening.

coincidentally for work, I happen to be driving through town B on day 1. I stop at a petrol station and am filling up when lo and behold, I spot dp's car driving by. He has no reason to be in town B at all. I was going to call him then I thought let me just drive past his ex's house and see and lo and behold, his car is there.

day 2 he was going to meet me for lunch (as arranged) and I was going to be coming back from somewhere up north and arriving at Euston. I predict, in my head, that he will now come up with an excuse as he normally spends the whole day with his dcs when he goes down the night before. Lo and behold, morning of day 2, he says sorry he can't make it as he's ill and says I'm really sad because I wanted to surprise you at Euston (he knew what train I was coming in on). I didn't say anything and he then sends me a picture of an online booked train ticket from his train station to Euston which would have arrived 45 mins after my train arrived

I am not going to confront him till we see each other person but why on earth would you lie like this? I know there is nothing between him and ex but if this was innocent, you wouldn't lie like this would you? I suspect he is covering for whatever he did on the night of day 2 :( (as he would have come back from ex/dcs on day2). Should I just confront him with this or just tell him I think something is going on?

Good luck, OP. You'll be well rid.

He sounds thoroughly manipulative . Sorry. What a headfuck.

OP Please don't blame yourself for being trusting, we have to trust to a great extent to be able to forge relationships.It is totally HIS fault for not being trust worthy!

As for what you say to him. You do not have to have every last smidgen of this out with him. If you are quite sure this is it. Keep it as simple as possible. No need to allow too much excuses/arguments from him they are pointless if your decision is already made. You may find he is quite relieved to just leave it and go???

Good luck and really sorry that you have met a liar like him, you don't deserve it. x

I would agree with that other than on Tues morning I would assume he was in town B and not in London as he would have stayed the night at his dcs place. He bought the train ticket to let me think he was in London because he wasn't meant to be in town B (train ticket was from town A to Euston) as he was meant to be in London meeting me for lunch.

he was, most likely, with his car in town B on Tuesday which is why he couldn't make lunch or meet me at Euston.

You're handling it well by not showing your cards yet, but there are a lot of red flags here so please don't let yourself fall for what will be some pretty well thought through lies that he has had time to prepare.

Sorry, you don't deserve this, I don't know why people bother being in a relationship if they are going to behave like this.

Worst case, the ex doesn't know about you, doesn't have a boyfriend and isn't even an ex.

Middle case, he's hiding something else - be it a woman, addiction of some sort etc.

Best case he wanted some time to himself.

Either way, you need to value yourself. Only you can decide whether you can walk away without trying to find out the whole truth or whether you want to do some digging. Problem is it's pretty likely he knows you're on to him in some capacity so the covering up will have already started.

thank you x

I'm also now wondering, as this sinks in, whether I just don't confront him and just end it. He will throw this back at me and probably tell me I'm the mad one and I'm not sure I can cope with that without getting upset. I'm a really strong woman but I've actually been floored by how manipulative this is and looking back, I can now see 101 things where I've probably been lied to.

Have you met his children?

elm I'm also wondering why the hell he has bothered. What a waste of my bloody time. Why even do this, I just don't get it, I really don't. He also did a lot of future faking, talking about how he wanted to marry me etc. It was clearly all a load of bollocks just to keep me interested.

I think it might have been for the sex. We were great together in bed but the last month or so, the relationship side had been suffering. I need to kick him into touch and try and maintain some self respect!

As much as you may want to tell him why, I'd just dump him with a comment that it's not working. Long term you will get more satisfaction from him trying to work out if it's just him, if you know, if you found someone else etc, than try and fight it out with him. As you said he will make you doubt and feel bad and the end result is the same, he's dumped but don't make it any harder for yourself.

I would text 'one lie too many. I'm over it and I don't want to see you again.'

Liars don't deserve a phone call.

no, he's met mine but I haven't met his. They are young though so I didn't think this was unusual (not to meet them). They do exist though as I have a friend who lives in town B whose dcs are at the same school (she doesn't know them but knows of them if that makes sense).

I wouldn't be surprised if he took that train to Euston, just not to see you and he hasn't thought about the timings issue when he sent you the "look I can prove it" photo.

Completely agree OP don't confront him or give him the chance to spin more lies which you won't be able to disprove. Just rise above it all and move on. You won't win an arguement with a liar so don't give him the chance.

I certainly don't think you were an idiot. Most people don't start a relationship with someone expecting them to be a liar.

But he is a liar, and when trust is gone, it's gone.

I would think carefully about what you want to say to him. Do you want to give him the opportunity of giving you a long line of a story?
I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of doing that.
I'd be more inclined to go down the route of "just not that into you" and let him stew on that.

His not being sure of what's really going on would screw with his head better.
Either way, best of luck.

I think that he and the "ex" are still very much married. Have you been to his place at all? Does he spend much time there?

Stop calling yourself an idiot. You said yourself you had a relaxed relationship and you had no reason to question what he told you. The fact you think he wouldn't react well to being confronted is quite telling. That and the fact that you probably won't ever believe a word he says now does mean you probably are best off ending things.

isola they were never married. He's there about once a week and normally sees them one night and the next day. Or so I think! I wouldn't know if he was there more often.

I could actually look back and doubt everything. I feel very unsure of the entire thing now. There are so many things I can pinpoint which could have been completely fabricated.

I can't tell you what a weird feeling this is. I've never been out with anyone who has lied like this!

I'm out tonight and tomorrow with friends so I'm going to have a think. I'm actually too embarrassed to tell anyone in real life about this as I feel such a fool. I'm not that young either - we are both late 40s/early 50s - you'd hope by now that people had stopped playing stupid games!

Totally agree, it is a waste of time. I think he genuinely has reasons for wanting to be with you, but can't commit to honesty and giving up things that would mean being exclusively with you.

Oh in other words, wants to have his cake and eat it.

You're worth more. As other posters have said the best thing to do is just end it but I know it would drive me mad not getting to the bottom of what was going on.

If this was me, I’d personally hold my cards tight. Wait until the next whiff of manipulation and drive right over to EX’s house with his stuff and give it to him in person.

You’re not an idiot, he is. I don’t understand why anyone ever thinks it’s ok to behave in this way.

thanks cake and all, you're right. I am definitely going to end it, I can't do lying and drama and he is quite obviously full of them both, even if i only figured that out now.

I won't do it now, I'm going to give myself a few days of going out with friends to stop being so pissed off and become a bit more rational.

jelly i am quite tempted to play him at his own game. I'm going to think about it for a few days. We're not due to see each other till Monday so I have a bit of time.

I think it's perfectly reasonable to just break up with him without confrontation. You know he's a liar, and you know it's over, so why put yourself through it? You owe him nothing. Just text and say you things aren't working for you anymore.

What would make you an idiot is staying with this guy. He's a liar. Not sure why you'd want to saddle yourself with some guy who has kids and still staying with his ex at her house. Please raise your standards. Dump liars. No need for any drama, just, this relationship isn't working for me anymore and I need to move on. If he asks why, just tell him you no longer want to be in a relationship with someone who has kids so you need to move on.

Gawd, don't waste your time playing mind games with him. Just get rid.

i am quite tempted to play him at his own game.

I honestly wouldn't bother. Just say that your feelings have changed (they have!) and that you don't want to see him anymore.

And then put any stuff he left at your place onto a train and send him a photo of the ticket 😆