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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

New (and secret) relationship with recently separated man: when to go public?

139 replies

Whosthatpersondownthestreet · 23/05/2019 15:34

Hi all, NCed for obvious reasons as the story is potentially outing and I will most likely be flamed. However, I am a long term poster here, and some posters might even recognise my story from previous threads.

Long story short: I was single, made friends with a married colleague with two DC at work. His marriage had been on its last leg for years, they had been discussing separation for a long time. They decided to separate 6 months ago, mutual and amicable decision. Right after they agreed to split, he confessed he had been having strong feelings for me for quite a while, and we started a relationship. At the time he was still living in the family house, but sleeping in separate rooms and leading separate lives. He said that the marriage had been dead for a long time for both him and the wife.

Finally he moved out two months ago and things have pretty great between us. We are taking things slowly and spending 2/3 nights a week together. No plans of living together anytime soon, but strong feelings on both sides. We both agree the relationship has the potential to be a long-term, serious one. Before anyone asks, I am sure he is actually separated, I have been to his place many times, we have spent entire weekends together (when he does not have DC). I also share mutual acquaintances with him and his STBXW, and it is public knowledge in their social circle that they are separated.

We are still keeping the relationship under wraps, as he does not want to rub it in his STBXW’s face that he is already in a new relationship so soon after the split. They are successfully amicably co-parenting their DC 50/50 at the moment and the situation is pretty good, so he is understandably concerned that coming out with a new relationship with rock the boat with STBXW.

My question is: how long after separation (or moving out date) is it sensible to announce a new relationship? So far we have discussed about waiting until the winter, perhaps the beginning of the new year, to make things official. I am ok with the plan as I understand how delicate the situation, especially with DC involved and we are taking things slowly anyway.

I’d be curious to hear from posters who have been involved in this sort of situation, on either “side” of it.

Thank you!

OP posts:
Original poster
Whosthatpersondownthestreet · 23/05/2019 16:07

Hopeful bump!

OP posts:
rvby · 23/05/2019 16:12

Not sure I understand, who would you announce anything to?

I have never announced a relationship before in my life. Just be together over time and see how it goes.

fwiw I was in your DP's situation to some extent, although I only met my new dp after my exh and I had called time. I am still with that dp. We have never announced anything to anyone. We are just together.

The fact that you are thinking of how to "market" / spin (?) your relationship makes me feel you believe you ought to be ashamed of it. In which case - pro tip - don't carry on with relationships that you feel you need to conceal. Rather take a break...

Original poster
Whosthatpersondownthestreet · 23/05/2019 16:16

Sorry with "announcing" I meant him telling his STBXW that he is seeing someone else and going out together with my/his friends. At the moment we are only spending time together alone because he is concerned someone will tell his STBXW, which wouldn't be a nice way for her to find out.

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 23/05/2019 16:16

🎵🎵🎵
Ben, the two of us need look no more
We both found what we were looking for
With a friend to call my own
I'll never be alone, and you, my friend, will see
You've got a friend in me
Ben, you're always running here and there
You feel you're not wanted anywhere
If you ever look behind and don't like what you find
There's something you should know, you've got a place to go
I used to say I and me, now it's us, now it's we
I used to say I and me, now it's us, now it's we
Ben most people would turn you away
I don't listen to a word they say
They don't see you as I do
I wish they would try to'
I'm sure they'd think again if they had a friend like Ben
A friend like Ben
(Like Ben)
Like Ben
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀

kenandbarbie · 23/05/2019 16:25

You're basically the ow then from the sound of it? Trying to keep it quiet so you don't get painted as such. Sorry to be harsh but that's the way it comes across.

rvby · 23/05/2019 16:26

I meant him telling his STBXW that he is seeing someone else and going out together with my/his friends.

People who are ready to have a new relationship don't typically worry about how their ex will feel about it.

The fact that he's worried means that he is still attached to her, worries more about how she feels than he does or you do, etc. He isn't ready.

You'll be dumped shortly imo, that or you're setting up a new relationship with a poor foundation that will cause you future stress and insecurity. Give these two people time to separate mentally before you start forging ahead...

At the moment we are only spending time together alone because he is concerned someone will tell his STBXW, which wouldn't be a nice way for her to find out.

Yes, this means you are the rebound person.

This man and his ex are still the most important people to one another at present. And that is fine and natural, it takes time to separate emotionally and start taking care of your own doorstep and not your ex's, I've been there and totally understand. It's a sign that healing is still needed.

Tixytrick · 23/05/2019 16:27

The shit will probably hit the fan whenever you announce it so he may as well get on with it.

chemicalworld · 23/05/2019 16:30

I was in this situation with someone I had known for 20 years. He wasn't ready, despite really wanting to be. I will never allow myself to be with someone in this situation again, it broke my heart.

Mari50 · 23/05/2019 16:32

He’s such a dick. He should be focusing on his children just now and helping them adjust to their new situation rather than working out when he can bring his new bit of skirt to the pub.
What is wrong with people?

Mari50 · 23/05/2019 16:33

I’m not sure why you’ve NC as this post is almost identical to the other one you put up last month.

chemicalworld · 23/05/2019 16:33

He told his ex, they ended up telling their kids where he was spending every other weekend, they knew about me and 2 years later we met. I think because of our shared history that I knew him and we really both knew what we were getting into.

Every person is different, but I do know that he needed more time. He needed time to be alone and to feel out his new life. He was on egg shells waiting for me to display similar behavior to his ex wife, marriages scar, even if they have been dead in the water for years as my ex's was.

ukgift2016 · 23/05/2019 16:37

What is wrong with people?

Everyone for themselves these days.

No comment on OP post.

LemonTT · 23/05/2019 17:21

Hmm well it’s the children’s feelings that would matter. They need security and stability at the moment. No problem ifs or unicorn butts.

He told you they were over a long time before they finally split. Well then 6 months later I don’t expect she will take it badly. It’s not an out of the blue split. She would be concerned about the impact on the children and rightly so.

But there’s the rub. His behaviour in dating you will cause further pain to the kids. So if you both must go there you need to Uber low key for a long time. By that I mean a date or two once a week. After 2 months you sound quite full on. Too much too soon and by winter, if you are still together, you will be presenting the children with a full on relationship not daddy’s casual new girlfriend. You won’t be held in high esteem. Because you went in too soon too hard and too fast.

Plus why is he so bothered by her. He knows her so, if he is being truthful, there are feelings there. Be it anger or love. You are in the middle of a split not at the end of it. Of course there is unfinished business. Even if it is just paperwork, money and co parenting.

At least retreat to a casual relationship and don’t commit to him. He is not free.

Otterhound · 23/05/2019 17:28

Sensible fo keep it under wraps until the dust has settled, that may well be a few months.
Lets face it, its not exactly unheard of for women to dick around with access as punishment for ex-h behaviour

Otterhound · 23/05/2019 17:30

Also kids feelings come into it, probably more so

Graphista · 23/05/2019 17:54

How about he does his stbexw AND his children the favour of telling them the truth- he cheated! With you.

If you REMOTELY genuinely believe you weren't the OW you're a fool!

And however the 2 of you try to spin it the truth will likely come out.

Own what you did.

"He’s such a dick. He should be focusing on his children just now and helping them adjust to their new situation rather than working out when he can bring his new bit of skirt to the pub.
What is wrong with people?" This!

And again another name changer who's name changed (supposedly) for cowardly reasons ugh!

"I’m not sure why you’ve NC as this post is almost identical to the other one you put up last month." Oh really? Was op more honest about being ow then?

Mari50 · 23/05/2019 18:00

@Graphista nah, it was the same self absorbed shit as this is, ‘should I get involved with a man who I’ve always been attracted to and we’ve been making eyes at each other for months who just told me he left his wife yesterday and has now told me I’m irresistibly attractive, at least I think he’s left her but I’m so overwhelmed by the fact he fancies me I’m not sure I can be arsed checking the finer details....we love each other so much, it’s like it was meant to be’ the usual bullshit people tell themselves in this situation.

QueenofallIsee · 23/05/2019 18:05

DP and I had been dating 4mths when he told his children about me in answer to your question. That was based on his kids ages and their Mums thoughts etc. They were fine, still are.

Graphista · 23/05/2019 18:31

Mari50 naive, in denial then? Doesn't make what they've done any better.

A family has been destroyed due to infidelity and the children especially who are completely innocent now have to deal with the fallout. Lovely Hmm

Mintychoc1 · 23/05/2019 19:04

I would say leave it at least 6 months before meeting his friends (who will then tell his ex), and at least a year before meeting his kids.

SandyY2K · 23/05/2019 20:00

Howabout leaving it till a year after they've seperated?

However, if their marriage was genuinely dead for a long time and the split is mutual, then logically, she isn't quite so emotionally attached to him... though logic doesn't always apply in these situations.

I know you won't want to hear this, but I think your relationship stands a better chance of lasting if he has some time on his own.

If it's meant to be, then giving it some few months sounds sensible.

If you have to sneak around to be together, that's a sign you should probably hold off for a while, until he is able to go public with you. Otherwise you seem like teenagers who's parents disapprove or like you're having an affair.

That doesn't do your self esteem much good.

.... and just because I'm sensible with these things...have you thought if being single you want a man with the baggage of an Ex wife and kids?

Do you want kids? Does he want more?

I always look at stuff like age gaps.

Do you want to be a stepmum or dad's GF who takes on 2 kids possibly 50% of the time?

I see the issues that arise on the stepparent board...and SMs, who say they didn't know what they were getting into with the kids and the stresses of an Ex wife.

ConfCall · 23/05/2019 20:32

He’ll tell her and his friends when he’s ready, assuming you stay together. Don’t get too attached though OP - this relationship (or whatever it is) has not got off to an auspicious start. Keep busy.

ScreamingLadySutch · 23/05/2019 21:30

"Right after they agreed to split, he confessed he had been having strong feelings for me for quite a while, and we started a relationship. At the time he was still living in the family house, but sleeping in separate rooms and leading separate lives. He said that the marriage had been dead for "

[need to be a secret, blah]

WHY are women so stupid.

WHEN are women going to stop being so stupid.

FauxJoMalaux · 23/05/2019 21:38

I’m with Kenandbarbie on this... you were a catalyst for the separation at the very least.
If the marriage had been dead for a while why not leave sooner i.e. before you were on the scene?
I think a year would be appropriate and fair. Despite him saying the marriage had been over for a while his wife may not have thought the same. Be kind and thoughtful I say.

nannytothequeen · 24/05/2019 00:24

This post could have been written by my very own OW. The strong feelings, it was all over,all that. Except it wasn't all over. And a marriage casts a long shadow. The ex and his friend did exactly what you would like to do and I will never forgive them the humiliation they have caused me to feel. It has all been very very nasty. My advice is back right off and show some respect. Leave it a year.