New (and secret) relationship with recently separated man: when to go public?

[Whosthatpersondownthestreet]

Hi all, NCed for obvious reasons as the story is potentially outing and I will most likely be flamed. However, I am a long term poster here, and some posters might even recognise my story from previous threads.

Long story short: I was single, made friends with a married colleague with two DC at work. His marriage had been on its last leg for years, they had been discussing separation for a long time. They decided to separate 6 months ago, mutual and amicable decision. Right after they agreed to split, he confessed he had been having strong feelings for me for quite a while, and we started a relationship. At the time he was still living in the family house, but sleeping in separate rooms and leading separate lives. He said that the marriage had been dead for a long time for both him and the wife.

Finally he moved out two months ago and things have pretty great between us. We are taking things slowly and spending 2/3 nights a week together. No plans of living together anytime soon, but strong feelings on both sides. We both agree the relationship has the potential to be a long-term, serious one. Before anyone asks, I am sure he is actually separated, I have been to his place many times, we have spent entire weekends together (when he does not have DC). I also share mutual acquaintances with him and his STBXW, and it is public knowledge in their social circle that they are separated.

We are still keeping the relationship under wraps, as he does not want to rub it in his STBXW’s face that he is already in a new relationship so soon after the split. They are successfully amicably co-parenting their DC 50/50 at the moment and the situation is pretty good, so he is understandably concerned that coming out with a new relationship with rock the boat with STBXW.

My question is: how long after separation (or moving out date) is it sensible to announce a new relationship? So far we have discussed about waiting until the winter, perhaps the beginning of the new year, to make things official. I am ok with the plan as I understand how delicate the situation, especially with DC involved and we are taking things slowly anyway.

I’d be curious to hear from posters who have been involved in this sort of situation, on either “side” of it.

Thank you!

"One day soon he'll be having innocent totally-not-affair conversations with another wee girl from the office."

Yep probably when op's pregnant

you may not have DONE anything until he moved out but you know that he moved out with the intention of pursuing a relationship with you. However you dress it up, you are the OW. and he is still in the middle of the complexities, emotional financial and legal of the end of a marriage. Tread very carefully. I don't suppose you will though ...

So I've been the one in a relationship first lost divorce and left it 3 months before introducing her to any of my friends and will leave it longer before she meets my kids (we're 5 months now). I told my exW at the same time as the new GF met my friends because they are shared friends, and I wanted avoid having my friends feel like they have to keep secrets. That said, I didn't know her/hadn't ever met her until 6 months post divorce, same time living separately. In hindsight I would have said my marriage was dead for 2 years before we actually separated too. However, it was still verging on too soon for me to start something new (and I am sometimes caught out by GFs behaviour triggering reactions in me because of some of the shitty behaviour my ex had before we split, and this does need dealing with and she's been ok with it on the rate occasions it has happened, because I warned her it might happen and apologise when it does and am in therapy to deal with it for myself).

Its a really long way of saying, yes he might have valid reasons for not wanting to go public, but there are degrees of going public and you can do it with your friends and exP without telling your kids quite manageably. I am a little suspicious you are a rebound fling because you're not having a relationship under normal conditions, and that's ignoring the potential that his feelings for you are the reason he ended his marriage (and any baggage that brings).

This could all be fine if he is self aware/can talk about his feelings/is working through them wrt to his exW, and the split really is amicable, but if not, it's a bit dodgy for you. Take care in this OP.

Absolutely you are the reason for his separation. Him saying ‘marriage dead for years/all amicable/blah blah blah is all bullshit; you do know that don’t you? And so of course he is reluctant to introduce you as his new love interest - it’s too soon for him to sell this story yet, and we all know how these situations play out. Chances are the marriage was pretty much cruising along okay until the day he walked out - for you. It’s all about damage limitation on his part at the moment.

This could have been you and my DH a couple of years ago!

Everyone 'knew' the situation (they didn't).
Lot's of hysterical bonding between us (nobody knew).
When reality hit - he changed his mind and wanted to be with me and our DS..
She (as in you) was pathetic, kept pestering him in such a desperate fashion, as I believe it became a bit of a challenge for her (Miss Almighty).
She didn't give a fuck about our DS and of course me his wife, only her true lonely and desperate selfish 49 year old self-absorbed self.

It's not surprising that the OP is receiving negativity, although I wouldn't call it hate by any stretch. She is the cause of a marriage breaking down, appears to give no fucks about the kids, seems to whole heartedly believe the words of a man clearly in possession of the script and almost seems proud of her shiny new boyfriend and their exciting secret liaisons. Corrrct me if I am wrong, although not on the OW part, because the OP is very much the OW regardless of protestation.

I have to echo that there's a lot of hate towards the OP.

The truth is happily married men (or women) do not end their marriage for a colleague they fancy. They may have affairs...if that I have no doubt, but ending a marriage....especially with kids involved isn't taken lightly.

Any regulars will know the number of posters that cite dead marriages...no emotion...no intimacy and sometimes barely socialising together. So the story isn't inconceivable.

What I personally would not allow...is any BF to keep me under wraps...because he is fresh from a break up. He needs time on his own...otherwise, even though you weren't the OW, being kept a secret makes you feel like one.

It's this secrecy that has the potential to ruin things and when you both start fabricating how long you've been together..... something could slip and the both of you will just look dodgy and lose respect.

How many times: the OW/OM in these situations is not deserving of hate, it’s the ‘D’H/W, if anyone. I agree with earlier PP that OP needs to be careful, she is stuck in the middle between two people who can’t get their marriage to work, and she’ll end up the loser

Sandy- absolute bullshit, sadly. Many many men do leave their families with astonishing ease and never look back. Many stop seeing their kids.

Bollocks to "ow/om isn't who betrayed you" anyone who gets involved with someone they know or even suspect is in a serious relationship with someone else lacks moral fibre and empathy. Absolutely no good reason to get in a mess like that!

Bollocks also to "happily married people don't have affairs" "decent happily married people don't just abandon their families for a flirtation"

Yes there are many threads about unhappy marriages, there's also many threads where people have been in perfectly good relationships and their partners/spouses pursued an affair purely for selfish reasons, often thinking they'd not get caught and could juggle the two, having their cake and eating it.

Also many threads about deadbeat dads (and the occasional deadbeat mum)

OP you're just the OW. He has a wife and children that he can't just chuck aside so you can "announce" your relationship. He's probably stringing you along and I wouldn't be touching him with a barge pole.

graphista a person who has made no promises to you owes you nothing, so can’t betray you. Ergo the traitor is the cheating partner, not the OW/OM in these cases.

It was an emotional affair, you were the OW. This will be obvious to your boyfriend’s ex W whenever you “go public”. Your bf probably wishes to hide it from his ex until after the finances, parenting, divorce have been agreed.

Whilst I don’t agree with the OPs decision making here I have to echo the concern about some pps attitude to “OW”. The OP is a person, a human being. The OW comments on this and other MN threads always remind of the Handmaids Tale and the Gilead attitude to unwomen.
You can decide that someone’s attitude, opinions and behaviour is wrong but when you stop seeing and treating a person as a person, you have a problem. That problem is easily manipulated and used to ill effect.

Amazing amount of bitter people. OP, they were separated when you started seeing each other, you weren't the OW. Unless you count fancying someone while still in a relationship an 'affair' (which many here apparently do) also, if you've ever read a thread, and there are many, about having feelings for someone else, the general consensus is 'do the decent thing and leave your OH before you do anything' he did. You can't really win can you.

Well, no. Most people would not regard a father who left his kids behind to pursue a colleague as a prize worth winning, though.

You lost my interest when you referred to his ex wife as STBEXW. She’s just EXW, what has she done wrong if the split is amicable and she certainly hadn't done anything to you. Perhaps show a bit more respect to everyone involved, particularly his DC and back off.

Lemon, an Ow does not see an exW as a person. Simply someone who needs to move over and remain amicable regardless of the feelings of the ExW. And in this case the ExW and the kids appear to be much less important than what will probably turn out to be nothing more than a childish infatuation. Bitter is a cheap shot. Why wouldn't the ExW be hurt and have strongly negative feelings? Presumably she loved or still does love this man. And where are her feelings less important than the OWs? And of course she is the OW. She is the reason why he left. At first he was cheating in his head and now for real. They are still married and he has made no effort to be truthful. This is a case of s men doing what he wants to prop up his ego and the Op supporting that without question or regard for others, especially not the children. Huh. Don't talk to me about Gilead. This is not a situation where the OP is interested in the situation of another woman or children. Simply propping up the precious patriarchy. There is a special place in hell for women who do not support other women. Not my words.

I agree with PPs that OP has received unnecessarily harsh comments on this thread. I suspect there is a fair bit of projection going on for some posters here.

&@PhillipaLalla my thoughts exactly. OP did not mention anything about having encouraged this man to leave his relationship, and the relationship ended mutually and amicably. They had been talking about separation for months. A pp has said that he was cheating in his head before the split, I'm confused by this, can we all honestly say that we have never had a sexual thought about anyone other than our husbands/wives? Please.

At least retreat to a casual relationship and don’t commit to him. He is not free

This^

If I remember correctly he actually approached you when he was still with his wife, told you that he was going to leave her, and said he wanted to pursue a relationship with you when he was free?

I remember thinking at the time how incredibly insulting and presumptuous that was. This is not a nice man.

As my marriage was ending I developed feelings for someone else, I think a lot of people do. But I would never have dreamed of approaching Mr. Displacement Crush and asking whether I could put him on reserve, like a sofa.

@nannytothequeen

You both miss the point and highlight it. One of the ways people are manipulated in Gilead and other oppressive regimes is that they are encouraged to label and stereotype others. And then, to judge people on the label and stereotype. Which is what people are doing here. Not just to the OP but to the exW. Labelling and stereotyping divides people it does encourage people to support people. Male or female.

And I didn’t label anyone as bitter, you did that.

End your relationship with this man now.

He is lying to you about the true state of his marriage, I'm sure his wife would have a very different view of their relationship.

You may be his "exit" affair, or he may have true long term feelings for you. You will find out when you tell him you will see him again after his divorce.

It's easy to be sucked into the drama and excitement of an affair, and your story has lots of the elements of the "star crossed lovers against the world", the secrecy he wants for example.

But try to be realistic, he is a man lying to his wife and family and probably to you too, he wants to keep the segments of his life entirely separate (doesn't want you to meet his children), he will be unlikely to ever put your needs or wishes first, others will be considered ahead of you.

Ask yourself if this is really the sort of man you want to be with?

Apologies Lemon. You did not use the word bitter. That was another poster. And I would never use that word as a label. It is a feeling, not a thing that you are. The OP asked for opinions from all sides. And that is what she has got. No one is throwing around unwelcome accusations or making unasked for judgements Comments were invited. And I stand behind mine. I'm sure I don't need to repeat them as I have made myself very clear. The OP is in my view buying into a lie and is doing another woman and children a great disservice, which suggests either selfishness or foolishness.