New (and secret) relationship with recently separated man: when to go public?

[Whosthatpersondownthestreet]

Hi all, NCed for obvious reasons as the story is potentially outing and I will most likely be flamed. However, I am a long term poster here, and some posters might even recognise my story from previous threads.

Long story short: I was single, made friends with a married colleague with two DC at work. His marriage had been on its last leg for years, they had been discussing separation for a long time. They decided to separate 6 months ago, mutual and amicable decision. Right after they agreed to split, he confessed he had been having strong feelings for me for quite a while, and we started a relationship. At the time he was still living in the family house, but sleeping in separate rooms and leading separate lives. He said that the marriage had been dead for a long time for both him and the wife.

Finally he moved out two months ago and things have pretty great between us. We are taking things slowly and spending 2/3 nights a week together. No plans of living together anytime soon, but strong feelings on both sides. We both agree the relationship has the potential to be a long-term, serious one. Before anyone asks, I am sure he is actually separated, I have been to his place many times, we have spent entire weekends together (when he does not have DC). I also share mutual acquaintances with him and his STBXW, and it is public knowledge in their social circle that they are separated.

We are still keeping the relationship under wraps, as he does not want to rub it in his STBXW’s face that he is already in a new relationship so soon after the split. They are successfully amicably co-parenting their DC 50/50 at the moment and the situation is pretty good, so he is understandably concerned that coming out with a new relationship with rock the boat with STBXW.

My question is: how long after separation (or moving out date) is it sensible to announce a new relationship? So far we have discussed about waiting until the winter, perhaps the beginning of the new year, to make things official. I am ok with the plan as I understand how delicate the situation, especially with DC involved and we are taking things slowly anyway.

I’d be curious to hear from posters who have been involved in this sort of situation, on either “side” of it.

Thank you!

This man should be concentrating on his relationship with his children and working with his wife to reset their lives in the kindest and most supportive way possible. The fact he's diving straight into another relationship at all is a massive red flag.

Instead his focus is the much younger woman from work who completely coincidentally told him seconds before he left his wife and after he'd confessed a crush after months of cosy chats that she'd definitely fuck him if he was single. But who in no way should be considered the OW.

In YOUR experience. Or have you met every single child in the world? The majority of children I spend time with are actually pretty involved in their parents' lives, and like to know what they're up to. I don't think that's weird. I think that's, you know, caring about people you're related to.

Anyway, not to detail from OP's original thread.

@Whosthatpersondownthestreet in answer to your original question, I would say there's no set time limit on when to announce it. I agree it would be a courtesy to let his STBXW know, rather than her find out from other channels, especially as you have mutual friends. Personally I think a year is quite a long time, especially if you see this being a serious and long term relationship. A lot depends on his DCs' ages - how old are they?

I wouldn't describe it as vitriol Tinkerbell. It's not especially personal, rather critical of the house of lies the OP and her boyfriend are so keen on building. This is someone who is desperately trying to deny being an OW whilst being an Ow. None of us including the OP knows what has gone down in this marriage nor what has been said to his wife. But you can bet your bottom dollar that it won't be entirely what he is claiming. The OP is simply being warned that this is likely to be the case. And for the record I am :0 that anyone might think that what is essentially deceit is ok and is willing to advise as such.

Tinkerbellisnotafairy DC are 10 and 14.

As someone who is the STBXW I'd be cautious about what he has told you about the state of his marriage before he moved out. I'm sure my ex has a story about how we had drifted apart and how the marriage hadn't been good for years but the first I knew about him being unhappy was the day he left. This is not uncommon. Men leave long standing marriages neglecting to tell their wives that there is a problem. They cannot cope with the conflict and mentally check out knowing that there is an OW or potential OW.

Unless you have spoken to the wife and know for sure that this wasn't a dump and run you could be in for a messy time. If he has lied to his wife he will lie to you.

"These things happen." No! They don't "just happen" the people involved in an affair at some point actively decide to deceive and betray.

"I am also a bit surprised at how many people are adamant that I was the OW" because you were! Your being in denial of the fact doesn't make it any less true!

At the very least it was an emotional affair.

You are partly responsible for the separation of those children's parents, and all the damage that will do.

You've only got HIS word for the "we were separated before I moved out" "we weren't sleeping together" etc which is highly unlikely to be true particularly as he was clearly able to move out so what was stopping him before? He's made a mug and a mistress of you!

Know what they say about marrying mistresses? A vacancy is created!

I'm sure his wife has a very different version of events!

My ex and his ow tried to claim they didn't get together until after we split, the baby conceived months earlier disproved that!

"Great foundations for a healthy relationship, I don't think." That ships long sailed!

At 10 and 14 you 2 being seen in public by anyone is a dangerous game to play.

You'd also be extremely foolish if you don't think they'll work out, likely based on mistakes you're likely to make regarding what you say about when your relationship started eg "remember when we went to that concert (that could only have been attended prior to his splitting from wife)"

My dd had her suspicions around age 8 without me saying anything (which I now regret wish I'd been honest) then when she learnt about how long a pregnancy lasts she was straight on to working out when her half sibling was conceived, she knew ex and I split just after her birthday that year and sibling was conceived about a month before that.

Kids aren't stupid - neither are wives, nor anyone else around you!

The 14 year old will work it out in seconds and will blame you for the break up of their parents marriage.

Tread very carefully. I was in a very similar situation 15 years ago. It was too soon. I have never known if he was with me for convenience or if it was real. He has continued to cheat and compartmentalise on and off. He has no idea who he is outside of a relationship and needs constant validation. We now have two children together and I have to figure out whether to try to make a marriage built on very shakey foundations work for their sake, or to allow their world to be torn apart because apart from this fundamental problem he is actually quite a 'good' husband and hands on dad. You dont want to be me one day OP. It's sh*t.

So you want to parade your relationship around town and he's not so keen on that?

You lady are my worst nightmare.

Funny how he doesn’t want to tell his wife about you isn’t it.

QueenOfTheCroneAge actually he'd be open to going public in 3/4 months, I am the one who insists on being more cautious and giving the situation more time.

In the meantime we are only spending time together at each other's places or out of town to ensure we are not seen together until we are ready to go public.

The kids are 10 and 14!! They probably know already. From my bitter experience parental separation is less harmful to the children than the involvement of other parties. My children absolutely resent the fact that their dad tried to hide his girlfriend from them. He will wear that fracture in the relationship forever. OP. I wonder if you are hearing anything supportive here. I suspect not. Perhaps you need to ask yourself why not and decide what kind of person you actually are.

Going public!! This isn't some kind of Hollywood grand romance. It's a sleazy little affair that will damage two kids and another woman. Have some dignity woman.

If that's true you're with a man who doesn't give a shit how all this will affect his kids!

And that also sounds as if you actually DO know that you're on dodgy ground with how this relationship started.

There are LOADS of threads on here by women who are in marriages that are completely dead and unhappy- and yet officially, they're still married. I don't know why it's so hard to believe that the OP's DP was in such a marriage. I know this is an unpopular opinion on here, but people in happy, fulfilling relationships do not develop feelings for others.

He sounds as if he's being sensitive and careful. But I think he needs to sit down with his STBXW to tell her he's met someone, because chances are, she will find out another way. I wouldn't put it off. They should then decide what is best for the children as far as speaking to them is concerned.

One day soon he'll be having innocent totally-not-affair conversations with another wee girl from the office.

This isn't special. It's a total cliche.

In the meantime we are only spending time together at each other's places or out of town to ensure we are not seen together until we are ready to go public

What a great start to your relationship...

Are you much younger than him OP?

I assume you don’t have children yourself op?

His children are the most important thing, their reactions matter most.

He only recently separated and moved out of the family home, it is far too soon to be informing them about your 2 month ‘relationship’. Continue taking it slowly, get to know each other and enjoy one another’s company. Stop trying to rush things.

He needs to focus completely on his DC right now, they matter more than his dick does.

Husbands do walk away from apparently happy marriages. Since it happened to me I've been surprised at how many other women (and some men) have gone through the same.

This may not be what the OPs man has done but I bet he was less than honest with his wife whist he was feeling attracted to the OP at work.

www.runawayhusbands.com/

I would leave it as long as possible op. There will always be suspicions about you being the reason for the split which could affect his future relationship with his children, but demonstrating your relationship this early will confirm it.

Just as an aside, when my dd was 10 she was similar to Tinkerbell's dd - for a few years she was very interested in where I was and who I was with. I was questioned in depth nearly every time I came home, and before I went out. I've no idea why, and she's a perfectly lovely and secure young woman in her 20's now. I don't remember her being the same with her dad, but you might want to consider that op - he could be in a position where his kids will interrogate him.

It all sounds so complicated, wait until he's free, you are a rebound.
No need for any announcement, and why wouldn't his wife continue to be amicable, sounds like she wanted rid of him. I'm sure she'll not think her nose is being rubbed in anything.
How does it feel though to be responsible for him leaving his wife? he obviously did it because he fancied you.
His poor kids.

I am the now XW in this scenario and I am aghast at the hate OP is receiving. Get a grip people.

OP I advise he tells his STBXW as soon as possible. Let them discuss next steps to protect DC. Hiding stuff from the co-parent leads to unnecessary problems down the line.

To be clear, he is open to telling his wife and friends in 3-4 months, but wants to introduce his children in 2+ years?