New (and secret) relationship with recently separated man: when to go public?

[Whosthatpersondownthestreet]

Hi all, NCed for obvious reasons as the story is potentially outing and I will most likely be flamed. However, I am a long term poster here, and some posters might even recognise my story from previous threads.

Long story short: I was single, made friends with a married colleague with two DC at work. His marriage had been on its last leg for years, they had been discussing separation for a long time. They decided to separate 6 months ago, mutual and amicable decision. Right after they agreed to split, he confessed he had been having strong feelings for me for quite a while, and we started a relationship. At the time he was still living in the family house, but sleeping in separate rooms and leading separate lives. He said that the marriage had been dead for a long time for both him and the wife.

Finally he moved out two months ago and things have pretty great between us. We are taking things slowly and spending 2/3 nights a week together. No plans of living together anytime soon, but strong feelings on both sides. We both agree the relationship has the potential to be a long-term, serious one. Before anyone asks, I am sure he is actually separated, I have been to his place many times, we have spent entire weekends together (when he does not have DC). I also share mutual acquaintances with him and his STBXW, and it is public knowledge in their social circle that they are separated.

We are still keeping the relationship under wraps, as he does not want to rub it in his STBXW’s face that he is already in a new relationship so soon after the split. They are successfully amicably co-parenting their DC 50/50 at the moment and the situation is pretty good, so he is understandably concerned that coming out with a new relationship with rock the boat with STBXW.

My question is: how long after separation (or moving out date) is it sensible to announce a new relationship? So far we have discussed about waiting until the winter, perhaps the beginning of the new year, to make things official. I am ok with the plan as I understand how delicate the situation, especially with DC involved and we are taking things slowly anyway.

I’d be curious to hear from posters who have been involved in this sort of situation, on either “side” of it.

Thank you!

If it's a mutual amicable split, there is no need to keep it secret from his wife.

You would win Olympic gold for mental gymnastics, OP.

Hint: you were the OW. At least be honest.

And I can guarantee that as soon as you declare your glorious and majestic love aka rubbing his wife's face in it, it will all turn to custard. It will not be easy for anyone. Least of all the kids.

Tell her today, OP. Tell her the unadulterated truth.

Last month you decided that things had moved too quickly. You decided to park the relationship for the time being, so that he could adjust to his major life changes and responsibilities. He understood, and you were parting ways.

It now sounds like you never parked it after all. That may have been an unwise move, as you are still hidden. I would not be anyone’s secret, as I would feel diminished.

He is not truly available. He is deeply involved in the multilayered process of separating, which includes ongoing emotional, financial, social, and practical components.

A year from his moving seems a reasonable time to bring this out in the open. You don’t know what actually went on between him and his wife, or how she felt. His crushing on you for ages would have put distance between them. He lived with her for 4 months while going with you. Now he wants to protect her from learning that truth.

I would introduce the children next spring, and then see them gradually. Many therapists advise waiting at least a year from physical separation before introducing the new partner. The children need a stable emotional/physical transition and an established routine at both homes, without the presence of the new partner.

Honestly, the lines are so blurred here. I would dial it way back if you want a healthy, enduring relationship.

MsDogLady

What happened back in March is that I told him we had to stop our relationship until he had moved out of his family home, which was the general advice I got on my old thread. He then moved out a couple of weeks later, so we started seeing each other again.

I don't think we will consider introducing the kids in a year from now, the timeline for that is probably in a couple of years, if not longer.

Ok, I was in a similar ish situation and I can remember your first post when this all started. I am in a relationship with a separated man, but I got the "ideal" version. They had been separated a while, all very amicable, living in different places, financial and child agreements all in place etc. We were very casual when it all started and as things have become more serious he made the decision to tell her. This was all fine and she took it well, she was seeing someone else as well (which tbh I think helped).

I agree that you should wait until later on in the year before "things are public".

I also agree with something an earlier poster put. Do not get too attached, and make sure your own emotional well being is watched. Like I said I have the "good" version of dating a seperated man, it is still incredibly difficult. They had a whole life together, children etc and they will always be in each others lives. You need to have a long think that you are ok and will be able to handle that...

And what will you do down the line OP? Alter the timeline of the relationship so his Ex is never aware that you were the OW? If she finds out in a year, two years, three years the betrayal will still be the same. There is no truthful way through this.

His poor children.

You both sound awful.

I'm amazed at all he hate on this thread. No one here is being a horrible person. These things happen.

There are comments along the lines of "put the kids first", which obvs you can't disagree with. But I'd say the best thing for the kids is mum and dad to have an amicable relationship.

My kids love my partner and my wife's partner, both came along very quickly. The only problems they had came from my relationship with their mum.

If he hasn't moved out yet then it would feel like the situation could become volatile and difficult so I would defo wait until he is settled in new house. There's a lot of emotion for STBXW to deal with through that process, so spare her the drama until after that.

Yes he moved out at the beginning of April, so he is living separately from his STBXW.

I am also a bit surprised at how many people are adamant that I was the OW and we had an affair, when I very clearly said that we only started seeing each other after he and his wife agreed to split. I understand that it happened soon afterwards and the timeline was not ideal, but that does not make it an affair.

His STBXW would understandably be hurt that he has met someone else so quickly, even though they had split by the time we started seeing each other. Here on mumsnet there are many threads started by women who are hurt because their exes moved on very quickly, and the general consensus is that the ex has done nothing wrong in moving on quickly after a split, although it is normal for that to sting.

What happened back in March is that I told him we had to stop our relationship until he had moved out of his family home

OP are you not nervous about having a relationship with a man who seems to be a very accomplished liar? He spent months continuing to live in the family home while having a relationship with you that he wanted to keep quiet, this is a man capable of living a double life and staying put in a situation until a comfortable, convenient solution comes along, then making the jump to action. I would always be wondering if he was truly "in" the relationship or just biding his time. I think you should think long and hard about him, you are getting the best version of him at this stage and that involves an awful lot of lies and hiding. Tread carefully.

But you are the OW, OP. There was crossover, in his head if nothing more and potentially in your behaviour towards him. And I promise that is exactly how his ExW will see it. You are embroiled in something very complex and baring your opinions on what he had said. You cannot possibly know the ins-and outs of their relationship, only what he tells you. I am the Ex. I know you. And I know him too. Frankly you are using weasel words and playing with fire. Expect no sympathy when Prince Charming doesnt turn out to be what he claims.

It is not uncommon for men in these situations to still be sleeping with the ex from time to time even after moving out...

The ex isn't stupid, OP. At some point she'll figure out your wrte shagging her husband while they were still living together and then gave him an ultimatum to move out.

You want a way to come out of this smelling of roses but there is no way for you to do this, given how you and this man actually behaved.

But he had moved on quickly, he’s just concealing the fact that he has. Is he going to lie about the start date of your relationship if asked? You’re both marketing the clandestine beginning of your relationship as ‘out of respect’ to his Ex but how respectful is deceit? The truth is he had his eye on you before his relationship ended and I think the waiting, is to conceal that fact. The truth hurts but the lies are worse.

If the relationship has the potential you feel it has, why burden it with deceit? He is going to co-parent with his Ex for a very long time, isn’t it best to begin that new relationship with honesty?

Remember, everything you know about his relationship with his Ex is through his prism and given his desire to keep you under wraps, I think you’re being very naive.

OP you are right, my advice to his Ex in this situation would be that she can’t do anything about it and to be amicable for the sake of the children. That’s because there is nothing she can do if you and he are determined to do this. It is not condoning your behaviour. I would also tell her that if she has any influence to use it to get him to put the children first. Ex’s don’t always have influence.

In this situation she has influence. He has told you that. They are still splitting up. Stay back or stay out of it.

You can tell OP doesn't give two shits about his kids.

OP, as you put it yourself, this really is not ideal.

Would you consider stepping back from this relationship until he is in the position to date you in the open? That might be best for everyone involved.

I hope your arse isn't too cold on that plate OP.

She doesn't give a fuck about the kids or the wife, she wants everyone to know this man chose her because their love was meant to be, while somehow clutching her pearls about being the OW.

You are a bad actor in this situation OP and no one will think differently. You were told that on your last thread and you ignored it.

Also I am also a bit surprised at how many people are adamant that I was the OW and we had an affair, when I very clearly said that we only started seeing each other after HE TOLD ME THAT he and his wife agreed to split. I understand that it happened soon afterwards and the timeline was not ideal, but that does not make it an affair.

I am honestly quite :O at the vitriol towards OP on this thread. FWIW, these situations really can happen. I was separated from STBXH for nearly a year under the same roof due to financial difficulties. I don't know why people assume it's so easy to just "move out" when you don't have savings / assets / parents close by etc .

We hadn't had sex for five years previously, and certainly didn't have any while we were separated, so yes it IS possible to be separated under the same roof without jumping each other's bones.

All those saying that OP should wait a year or more to meet her DP's kids - does that mean DP should lie to his kids about where he is when he's with her? Surely it's better to have an honest and communicative relationship with your children?

No need to lie to your kids about where you are. Kids as a rule don't care what their parents do whrn they are out of sight, unless that parent had been neglectful and absenting himself from their lives quotr significantly IME

I co-parent 50 50 with STBXH and my DD obsessively asks where I am, what I'm doing, who I'm with etc. She has always been like this, before you chalk it down to some divorce-related trauma.

I wouldn't want to have to lie to her.

And imagine a year or however long on, when the OP's DP's kids finally find out / meet OP, they're going to realise that he's not been truthful to them. Great foundations for a healthy relationship, I don't think.

That's not normal. Most kids aren't that anxious or interested.