New (and secret) relationship with recently separated man: when to go public?

[Whosthatpersondownthestreet]

Hi all, NCed for obvious reasons as the story is potentially outing and I will most likely be flamed. However, I am a long term poster here, and some posters might even recognise my story from previous threads.

Long story short: I was single, made friends with a married colleague with two DC at work. His marriage had been on its last leg for years, they had been discussing separation for a long time. They decided to separate 6 months ago, mutual and amicable decision. Right after they agreed to split, he confessed he had been having strong feelings for me for quite a while, and we started a relationship. At the time he was still living in the family house, but sleeping in separate rooms and leading separate lives. He said that the marriage had been dead for a long time for both him and the wife.

Finally he moved out two months ago and things have pretty great between us. We are taking things slowly and spending 2/3 nights a week together. No plans of living together anytime soon, but strong feelings on both sides. We both agree the relationship has the potential to be a long-term, serious one. Before anyone asks, I am sure he is actually separated, I have been to his place many times, we have spent entire weekends together (when he does not have DC). I also share mutual acquaintances with him and his STBXW, and it is public knowledge in their social circle that they are separated.

We are still keeping the relationship under wraps, as he does not want to rub it in his STBXW’s face that he is already in a new relationship so soon after the split. They are successfully amicably co-parenting their DC 50/50 at the moment and the situation is pretty good, so he is understandably concerned that coming out with a new relationship with rock the boat with STBXW.

My question is: how long after separation (or moving out date) is it sensible to announce a new relationship? So far we have discussed about waiting until the winter, perhaps the beginning of the new year, to make things official. I am ok with the plan as I understand how delicate the situation, especially with DC involved and we are taking things slowly anyway.

I’d be curious to hear from posters who have been involved in this sort of situation, on either “side” of it.

Thank you!

He said that the marriage had been dead for a long time for both him and the wife.

They all say that I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve read that line trotted out on MN to justify an affair.

In the meantime we are only spending time together at each other's places or out of town to ensure we are not seen together until we are ready to go public.

And you’re happy being treated like a dirty secret? Raise your bar and your self-esteem.

Blimey. He really doesn’t like a cold bed does he! You know you’re a rebound right? Emotional crutch. Why can’t he be on his own for a while until his marriage is actually a divorce. Be interesting to see if he hung around waiting for you then.

RiversDisguise
They don't leave with ease if they were happy.

They may seek a bit of fun on the side...even if happy, as do some women.

The upheaval, stress and cost of a divorce is not done on a whim.

Sometimes the person who was left thinks they were happy as a couple, but the person who left sees it quite differently.

It's all about perspectives. Two people can see one situation differently. It's not a matter of right or wrong.

So he’s separated - do you know if they’re divorcing ?

Once you announce to STBXW and F&Fs that you are in a relationship - the next Q will be when and how did you get together?

Will you answer this honestly? What is the honest answer?

If I remember your last thread - you are work colleagues and socialise outside work with his wife, friends and family. You will have already been seen. He needs to tell his wife ASAP as his children will also find out unexpectedly. You need to save them this at least. Just get them all told. Shouldn’t be an issue if it was dead for years and all amicable. Perhaps you could tell her together as she knows you well.

Again from the last thread you were advised to ask him to cool it until he was clearly moved out. You were to watch his reaction to this request. Sounds like either you didn’t take that path or he didn’t respect you wishes (talked you round) - which one was it?

*my last paragraph - should say that you agreed to the advice to ask him to cool it and wait for some time.

This again. I agree with ScreamingLadySutch. It's obvious you have no empathy or respect for his wife or children but what's more seemingly have little or no self respect to be happy to be kept hidden away like a dirty little secret. It's ridiculous to suggest you weren't/aren't the OW.

A couple of things spring out to me here.

He was living with his wife at the start when they were 'separated' except, as they were still under one roof, in the children's eyes, they were still together until he moved out. Maybe the wife thought so too - we can't know the conversations that went on in their family home. For the children, day one was when he left. So it is very, very soon for them. They also wouldn't be aware of the marriage having been dead for as long as he says it was.

Regardless of how 'over' the marriage might have been, it is still a horrible feeling of betrayal when you are replaced like that. Anyone who has read my 'being replaced' thread will know exactly how I feel about it! Anyone who has will know I'm not impartial here and have had too recent, raw experience of someone leaving and finding someone new within a week. It's a hideous feeling and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

My ex is with his new girlfriend, but I'm afraid they are built on the rockiest of foundations. If it lasts, I will not only be amazed, but also worried about the state of it. He is not healed. He is all over the bloody shop. He won't introduce her to our mutual friends because he knows they are universally disapproving of what he did. He also told me (early-ish on - we are NC now) that she was pestering him to have the 'in a relationship with...' status on Facebook for months, but he was really digging his heels in about it (and not just because it's a bloody immature fixation). I think he wanted to remain the good guy in everyone's eyes - not the cheating scumsucker he really is.

Yours is doing the same sort of thing by keeping you quiet. He knows he's moved too fast and people will be less than impressed with him.

Good luck, OP, but I think you're being naive. He isn't over his marriage yet by any stretch of the imagination. You are his emotional crutch while he gets over his break-up, I think.

OP - are you set up comfortably for money and housing? If so I would watch if he is keen to move in with you - he may have targeted you - (as he worked with you, maybe aware of your financial status) - as a soft financial landing - sometimes called a “cock-lodger” on MN - as undoubtedly his divorce will be a significant financial blow.

Your bf probably wishes to hide it from his ex until after the finances, parenting, divorce have been agreed.

This.

Cassettes - that's a ridiculous argument! We live in a society that recognises monogamy as the norm, that acknowledges that it's morally incorrect to enter into a sexual/romantic relationship with someone who is in a monogamous relationship with another. I always think those posters who give it "ow/om made you no promises" are highly likely to have been ow/om themselves or at best have seriously dubious morals generally.

Nannytothequeen very well said at 0836

And yes I suspect he's wanting to keep his wife "sweet" until the full details of the divorce are finalised - which could take a few years! That might be what's really behind the "2 years" timescale he has in mind

You're basically the ow then from the sound of it?

^ and that is exactly the reason why you should keep it under wraps for a long time. Some marriages are dead, long dead, years before the split but if you go into a relationship too soon, there will always be vicious gossipers sure you were the reason of the split.

Whoosh. And the OP has gone. No doubt to do as she pleases all in the name of love.

graphista nope as I said upthresd, I was in the wife’s position here, and my morals are such that I waited two years AFTER divorce to even kiss someone thanks. All the pain and anger I felt was directed at XH, not the OW, that’s all, because it was he who made a vow to me and broke it. She didn’t know me st all and owed me nothing. I felt nothing about her, maybe a bit sorry for her.

As for what society expects, pfft.

I'm not angry at the OW, but I look askance at her. It's not her fault, but she did do wrong.
That's all there is to it.

Hi all, apologies for my late reply, I did not have access to mumsnet over the weekend:

OP - are you set up comfortably for money and housing? If so I would watch if he is keen to move in with you - he may have targeted you

I don't think that's the case, we have similar incomes and my flat is far too small for two people. His XW is on a significantly higher income than me and him. I don't know anything about their plans for financial settlement and I don't think it is any of my business to know the details of their divorce at the time being, it is a conversation between the two of them.

MsDogLady

To be clear, he is open to telling his wife and friends in 3-4 months, but wants to introduce his children in 2+ years?

It is me who is pulling back on the timeline. He'd be open to telling wife and friends in 3-4 months from now (so 6 months after moving out) and me meeting kids further 6 months later (so a year after moving out).

I am more cautious, especially on the meeting the kids thing. So I suggested we wait a couple of years to be really sure the relationship is serious, settled and long-term before we involve his kids.

Glad you're back OP. So what are your thoughts on the premise that you are effectively the OW? Are you happy living with the potential anger and hurt that may well come from this?

Hi, nannytothequeen, I understand that that is your opinion, but I don't agree with it.

I know for a fact that he and his wife had been discussing separation for years, well before we met (I know it through mutual friends, not just through him). It was relatively common knowledge in their circle of friends that the marriage was really rocky. In fact, the wife was the one who suggested separation first, years ago, because she was unhappy. They had two different courses of couple counselling over the last 3 years, trying to mend things, but to no success.

I understand that his feelings for me (that I was not aware of until they agreed to separate) had been the final nail in the coffin, but their marriage had been in a very bad place for a long time. He did not cheat on her, unless you consider feeling attraction towards a person while married cheating. He did not act on his feelings, or even confessed them to me, until they had agreed to part ways. That is not cheating in my book, however I understand people might have different views on the topic.

I would be cautious about not being open. My ex started a serious relationship just 4 weeks after I moved out of our home (it could have started before that as we had agreed to separate around 8 weeks before that).

Only he chose not to tell anyone - perhaps thinking it was better for our daughter who was living with me. But as these things always do, the truth came out and our daughter heard about it before I did. At that time they had been together for around 3 months.

The relationship between our daughter and her dad completely broke down - to that point it had been strained but was improving. She felt completely left out of his life, he had essentially lied to her and to me (she felt) and was developing a new relationship with the new woman's daughter. For my daughter it was the last straw and she has refused to see him since (its been 2.5 years). She was 14/15 at the time.

The situation might be different in that his relationship with our daughter was already strained - but it wasn't the new relationship that hurt her, it was being kept in the dark as if her opinion wasn't important.

In your situation, the children are old enough to know - they will find out anyway and that will be worse.

Agree on that, I strongly suggest you are not very open about for a few months as people will start thinking you are the OW, but he needs to make sure his ex is informed and so are the kids as soon as it starts to get serious.

When you do announce - the first thoughts everyone will have will be when did you get together.

They all know how you met through work and same social group. So they will assume that you were the OW whether they ask directly to give you the opportunity to clarify or not. So it would be in your interest to be on the front foot - are you going to tell them the truth? ?

V disingenuous of you to be discussing the ins and outs of their marriage with their friends whilst they were still together and you were in an emotional affair with him. Was this you digging for info?

What sort of man does not put his children first at this horrific time of their lives? Why was his focus not on them and how they would transition in the months leading up to and following the separation. Why was he actively engaged in something that will hurt them? He isn’t not a good man.

Leaving aside the issue of whether you were involved before the split, the question to you OP is what risks do you see in this relationship.

There are plenty but you seem to be blanking them. The pace of this relationship is completely at odds with the situation whether it is secret or not. You are in an intensive situation seeing each other 3 times a week in secret trysts. In order to keep this secret you are living in a bubble effectively under siege. It is not a true representation of life together. You are not going to see the real man and there is a risk that you will romanticise his actions and behaviour. You are doing this already and are avoiding legitimate questions about him and just repeating the story of how you got together without questioning his motives and emotional state. Seriously any reasonable person would.

If you don’t see it then I will say it.

As a pp says secrets don’t stay secret. As the saying goes it will be the cover up that becomes your downfall, his downfall and the downfall for the children.

Your new boyfriend is not free. He is still married and for the most part that was a marriage that lasted for years. One in which he invested a lot of emotion time and effort into living and saving. That will not untangle easily and this will be the focus of his life for at least a year if not longer. And it impact on you one way or the other because you will have to deal with his emotional and financial state. Ask yourself why he tried so hard to save the marriage right up to the apparent end.

It has to be pointed out, but having sex has an obvious risk and consequence.

Essentially it is your need and his need to rush into this relationship that is reason for the secrecy not anything to do with his children or his ex. Own that and face up to risks and messy fallout you are inevitably going to create.

Can you not slow this down to a trot, seeing each other far more casually and with less intensity. If this is true love this will not matter in the long run.

Oh yes and ask yourself if this is the only secret he is keeping. And why he is easy with the fact that he will be lying to people he loves for years.

Reading this and your other posts, I could be forgiven for thinking I am the wife other than a few details.

You are the other woman OP. Regardless of what you want to tell yourself you clearly contributed if not caused the breakdown of the marriage.

Women like you make me so angry (This is not to take any blame away from cheating husbands or partners) but women like you waltz in, see what they want and have NO regard for the damage you are contributing to. You see and hear what you want to. What you don't see is the devastated partner/wife left behind. The inconsolable children who have to be hugged to sleep every night because they want their daddy.
The impact it has on how good a father they are- because it does impact, mostly. The distance you put between a father and his children emotionally. Affairs effect everybody, not least the children, it is far reaching. Anyone that says differently is a liar.