New (and secret) relationship with recently separated man: when to go public?

[Whosthatpersondownthestreet]

Hi all, NCed for obvious reasons as the story is potentially outing and I will most likely be flamed. However, I am a long term poster here, and some posters might even recognise my story from previous threads.

Long story short: I was single, made friends with a married colleague with two DC at work. His marriage had been on its last leg for years, they had been discussing separation for a long time. They decided to separate 6 months ago, mutual and amicable decision. Right after they agreed to split, he confessed he had been having strong feelings for me for quite a while, and we started a relationship. At the time he was still living in the family house, but sleeping in separate rooms and leading separate lives. He said that the marriage had been dead for a long time for both him and the wife.

Finally he moved out two months ago and things have pretty great between us. We are taking things slowly and spending 2/3 nights a week together. No plans of living together anytime soon, but strong feelings on both sides. We both agree the relationship has the potential to be a long-term, serious one. Before anyone asks, I am sure he is actually separated, I have been to his place many times, we have spent entire weekends together (when he does not have DC). I also share mutual acquaintances with him and his STBXW, and it is public knowledge in their social circle that they are separated.

We are still keeping the relationship under wraps, as he does not want to rub it in his STBXW’s face that he is already in a new relationship so soon after the split. They are successfully amicably co-parenting their DC 50/50 at the moment and the situation is pretty good, so he is understandably concerned that coming out with a new relationship with rock the boat with STBXW.

My question is: how long after separation (or moving out date) is it sensible to announce a new relationship? So far we have discussed about waiting until the winter, perhaps the beginning of the new year, to make things official. I am ok with the plan as I understand how delicate the situation, especially with DC involved and we are taking things slowly anyway.

I’d be curious to hear from posters who have been involved in this sort of situation, on either “side” of it.

Thank you!

scorned of course the partner being left is devastated in far too many cases, but not all. You have assumed that the wife doesn't want rid. That is a big assumption.

@CassettesAreCool I did assume yes. I was more talking in general where the marriage is ok (or is according to one party) but where the other has 'played the game' and told the OW how hellish things are etc etc. Then when they leave it is generally the wife left to pick up the pieces. Of course she may be very happy to know what he's like and think good riddance, but the likelihood of everything being good and life not being in turmoil after such an event? Unlikely.

If his "ex" is earning so much more, has better pension etc he may want to keep you a dirty secret in hopes of a more generous divorce settlement offer from wifeypoo.

If they have actually initiated a divorce.

Your colleagues know already, 100%, btw.

You are not the OW.

A lot of the commuters are going to be ex-wives who are projecting.

I agree with rivers on that point - if the marriage is over bar the settlement, the way he is handling you is very much going to be part of that negotiation

scorned I am very sorry to hear you have been hurt during the end of your marriage. However, you might have missed my post from yesterday where I said that he and his wife had been regularly discussing separation for years (initially brought up by her as she was not happy), had multiple rounds of couple therapy and were commonly acknowledged as a couple with a rocky marriage in their social circle.

I can't say that I know how she feels, because I don't know her (only briefly met her a couple of times). However given the history, I have no reason to assume that this separation is not as mutual as he claims it to be and that she feels left behind.

You do have a reason to doubt what he has told you. He is point blank telling you he wants to lie and deceive his wife and children for you to a year. He is all too comfortable with lying and cheating when it makes life easy for him. So what do you think he does when an issue comes up that might make you upset or angry.

If you had never met him until the day after he left his wife I would still be giving you this advice. It is too much too soon in the circumstances.

If you pursue this course of action you will be on course for unnecessary drama that could blow up in your face. Why can’t you slow down and wait 6 months for the dust to settle. He can crack on with his divorce in that time.

OP from your previous thread when you were given the same unanimous advice - you said you would tell him that you wanted him to hold off until the dust settles.

What happened did he woo you round?

another20 The advice that was given to me on my last thread was to stop the relationship and wait until he had moved out of his family home. Which is exactly what I did, and he understood and respected. He said he couldn't guarantee a timeline for moving out at that time, as there were a few things he needed to find an agreement with his wife about before he could move out. Hence, he understood I did not feel comfortable with continuing the relationship in those circumstances and backed off.

A couple of weeks later he managed to find such agreement and moved out, so we resumed the relationship.

I think that is v disingenuous OP.

Not one person said on that thread to get right back at it immediately he moves out.

You are not even honest to yourself!

This is what you said on your other thread last month whilst he was still living with his wife and children in the family home:

I told him that maybe, in a few months when he is settled in his new life and has adapted to all the changes, we can ridiscuss the situation.

You haven’t waited a few months to discuss it. I doubt you even waited until he moved out.

In the months before he moved out you were meeting/in contact everyday - you found it “blissful” he declared his crush, you lapped it up and plotted when was appropriate to get shagging. This constitutes and emotional affair from the outset.

Op. You should probably simply do as you please as it is increasingly clear that you aren't actually interested in advice or different viewpoints. With every post you dig yourself in a little deeper and protesting that you aren't the OW will not make it so. You are not in some sweeping romance. You are not acting by any moral code. You have a seedy little affair on your hands and a big bag of selfish. But as an adult that is your prerogative. Just stop it now - stop trying to make something cheap and dishonest and oh-so-common into something it's not. Just get on with it if that's what you want and live with the consequences. Because there will be consequences.

Ok
You seriously have no sense of self preservation or self awareness. Leaving aside the OW allegations do you not see the problems here.

At this stage I think you are really just posting to goad other pps. You have not engaged in serious reflection or self examination. Crack on

So you gave an ultimatum and he moved out of his family home, away from his kids.

Congrats, you have won an amazing prize of a man there.