Dating thread 160: fallen in love with someone you shouldn’t have fallen in love with

[CassettesAreCool]

The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

15/05/2019 19:56

@shitwithsugaron @lifegoes thanks for your words. I guess I'm guilty of going on dates when people seem nice but ignoring whether there might be potential. My last date surprised me a bit as we got on really well via email but in person, just didn't feel it. So just made me think, what is this elusive spark!

That’s exactly how I feel. Jaded with it all.
One minute I seem to be chatting to a few who all seem great, then it fizzles to nothing or no one. Wondered if my profile needed an overhaul but maybe it’s not that at all.
Have deleted Tinder and Bumble and may try again if anyone can make any helpful profile suggestions, or maybe just leave it for a bit...

@kerkyra that's what I want, I want to feel wanted. The spark where you are excited and nervous to meet them.

@Eesha and anyone else not feeling 'that spark', I didn't really feel it straight away with MrSAS, or in fact anyone I've dated really but if I enjoyed their company I always went on another date (if they wanted to of course) and things always grew from there so don't write someone off if you don't want to rip their clothes off on the first date.

I know things didn't work out with any of those men for me but I did end up fancying them as I got to know them.

Tbh @Sunshineandflipflops it's not even about ripping their clothes off. But I need or want to feel something when first chatting. I want to see we can hold a conversation and laugh etc. If I don't then I'm not going on the date.

@lifegoes I get that, but I don't think it's always easy to have that kind of rapport over text. But yes, there has to be something to make you want to meet them, of course there does.

@eesha @lifegoes isn't it worth dating guys you don't click with just in case there's a spark on the night? I've said here loads of times I have shit photos and a couple of months ago struggled to send flirty messages. You might be missing out on a night with a male version of me!

I think I have a buttock on the smitten bench after just three dates. I have said before about my concerns with Mr Runner but we had a lovely time on Friday night and some lovely messages since. He seems to have much more empathy than stbexh. My concern is he's lovebombing or future faking but the chemistry is so strong that I am not going to overthink any more, he seems genuine so I'm just going to enjoy it.

@StealthNinjaMum I just don't see the point. I've had that spark, that excitement before of meeting a guy. It's not even about flirting etc it's about a spark. And that's what I want again, if my heart isn't in it, before we meet. I know it won't be when I do meet them.

Def don't overthink it, I do think sometimes love bombing can be confused with someone who wears their heart on their sleeve. Unless there are clear signs it's lovebombing.

@Sunshineandflipflops I've had that before, I need that type of communication going forward, so if they can't give it at the start I know they can't later on.

@StealthNinjaMum in all honesty, I wouldn't mind going on those second dates but I think even they don't feel a spark from me. Only one person who i stayed friends with a bit said to me he said no second date because he didnt get any vibe that id want to see him. I am yet to have been on a date where I actually really want to see the person again.

@Eesha Neither have I. I could have quite easily said no to any further dates with all the guys I've dated, yet I've ended up seeing them for between 5-8 weeks as it's grown.
The first dates have always been 'nice' but nothing more.

I'm on the train to meet MrArt so maybe there's a first time...😂

I've been lovebombed and it's so awful I think if someone started being like that again, even if it was them being real, I wouldn't be able to believe it!

I think the issue is it takes 3-6 months to really know if you're going to get on properly - so I guess as long as you're aware it's fine.

eesha I think all of us have felt that way at some point in the OLD journey! I do think it's a good idea to be more picky about going on dates - I have definitely been guilty of going on dates 'just in case' and I have never been pleasantly surprised!

@DaffoDeffo I do agree with the love bombing when you have been loved bombed. It's horrific when you look back and see it, but I've also had genuine people wear their heart on their sleeve and it was refreshing. I think given that we've been through it, we would both be more cautious.

Thanks for all your comments, I've said before that my husband was so uninterested in me that old has been a shock because guys who have never met me are sending me messages and showing an interest. There is no way of knowing whether Mr Runner is a good one, only time will tell but I am feeling happy at the moment and a tiny bit smitten.

You were all right about Mr Dog, pretty sure he drinks in the evenings, probably during the day too. He came over yesterday and stank of stale drink, he was probably over the limit to drive. He was in a stupid mood and basically made me feel like a piece of shit.

Taking a break from dating, I have a few things to keep me busy in real life, I still have a couple irons and a couple old irons that want to meet up but I think I will stay off the apps for a while.

lovemusic sorry to hear about your dog and about Mr Dog

I sent him a long text explaining why I’m pissed off, got hardly anything in response, no sorry, no explanation for any of his behaviour. I have lost faith in OLD, I seem to only attract abusive, alcoholic twats.

@Lovemusic33 I'm sorry to hear this, you definitely don't only attract these types, don't beat yourself up. You have been through a lot recently, a break might do you good.

Shit your right, I deserve much better and would rather be on my own than with someone who feels they can’t get through the day without a drink. He was also telling me how I should change things about myself and do things that I don’t like doing (in the bedroom), he was quite nasty. I told him to go and find someone who will do al these things because I won’t.

Love music- wow you are so well rid of him. Can’t imagine anyone wanting that?!
Sunshine- good luck. Remember the loo update
Stealth- good for you. Don’t think I could admit a smitten bench even to myself
Kerkyra- did you go? Nice he considered the dog

@Lovemusic33 so sorry to hear this...though not terribly surprised. I'm off the apps at the mo also and considering the 'lower limit' for dating someone going forward. E.g. what I absolutely will not accept. Also considering waiting a but longer to dtd so I can scope them out. Though dtd compatibility is really important to me, it's also something that hooks me into intimacy before u really know they're the right person...

I'm sorry to hear this @Lovemusic33 but he is best left to fuck his own life over.

@supercali77 always good to have your boundaries/limits set. it's an awful catch 22 you want to check they're compatible for sex but then you do get emotionally invested more if the sex is good. Maybe take it person by person.

I'm a bit similar, I like to know we are on the same wavelength in the bedroom and tbh I see a mans true character. This is why I don't mind some sexting before we meet as i can often gage how they may be in the sack. (I just don't like a cock waved in my face a few mins after matching 😂)

I didn't meet up with him ccgirr as it just reminded me of the time when we dated. It was always me going over to his town( it's only 12 miles way) and today was a test. He couldnt be bothered to come right miles to a pub nearer me,where I could also bring the dog.
Mixed with a bloke who kept saying we would meet up soon,but never came up with a plan and a few dates with no spark recently,I just feel a bit low from it all. Will be fine in a day or two. I had to delete my profile as I'm one of these who has to be all in or out.
Well done love for standing your ground,he sounds a tosser
Good luck stealth with Mr runner
I will read everyone's updates