Dating thread 160: fallen in love with someone you shouldn’t have fallen in love with

[CassettesAreCool]

The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

15/05/2019 19:56

@Deadsouls sorry to hear you are going through this. I agree with what everyone else has said. OLD can be hard at times.

But I've learnt one vital thing, your gut is always right.

If you feel him pulling away - let him go. If you start "tolerating" things now, they are the reason you walk away later.

Don't change who you are, knowing what you want and need from a man isn't needy. And even if it was, I'd rather be needy than someone who uses people and plays with their emotions. 😘

deadsouls I think it’s a red flag now if someone even mentions the phrase ‘needy woman’ (or man) or ‘crazy ex’ early on. They’re telling you that you’re going to have to fit their pattern 100%. Bollocks to that - take me as you find me, or not at all.

According to this man, it sounds like every woman he has been with has done something he doesn't like, or been crazy or needy, or unreasonable in some way

@Eesha a FWB isn’t for everyone, but you don’t find that out without giving it a go. Mine is my bestmate/ex (which I know is unusual and he’s joining me on holiday tonight), which means we can be 100% honest with each other about anything, but just as importantly we are actually friends, I do think you do need to genuinely be enjoying their company without sex for it to work. An FWB set up also needs ground rules you both stick to, so mine knows I have seen someone else a few times and he tells me if he has had sex with someone else, it’s basic trust. I would tell him how you feel and stop contact if he isn’t an actual friend.

@Deadsouls I think most people are needy, some just won’t admit it.

@lifegoes can you always trust your gut? I'm really not sure. Mine is going haywire telling me mr Unsuitable is going off me. He says not. But it could also be hormonal paranoia? I don't know whether I'm going loopy or not. Sometimes we/people overreact to innocent things. Or see stuff that isn't there.

Every doubt that I've ever had with guys... and I've fought that feeling (telling myself I'm paranoid, it's my perv hurt, I'm being a needy woman) EVERY time I've been proven right and realised my gut was right. Only I've learnt the hard way @Peanuthedz

I wish I could sit and say it wasn't always right. But it has been, or something has been off and my gut has been telling me to walk.

I'm with lifegoes on this one peanuthedz I relentlessly didnt listen to my gut the last few months and I was right all along and I got reassurances all along that it was all perfect. If it's just mild...fair enough.. but the second that thing starts ringing dont second guess yourself.....if you're not sure about this man long term anyway. Pay heed?

@shitwithsugaron that's been me, I've seen myself in tears, made myself Ill knowing something wasn't right. Telling myself I'm paranoid and that it's ok as he says everything is ok. But when in the end I always wish I had listened and walked then. As the hurt feels worse later as you then even question why you were so silly o believe it and not listen to yourself.

But in a strange way, I'm glad I have learnt as now I know what I won't accept. I'm not saying I won't make the same mistake again.

But if my gut tells me something isn't right, I will distance myself, put my guard up and observe. Then decide do I walk or stay.

I'll prob check in here first hahaha.

Thing is. Sometimes you have to see it in action. I read an article just there on it. Apparently it's a scientific fact that womens intuition is more finely tuned than mens. When you follow it to the end point and you're right enough times....you dont stop to ask yourself again

@supercali77 agree with that! What's the article?

www.scarymommy.com/womens-intuition-is-real-according-science/

Apparently its why women make better spies

It's so true that, I've heard men say 'women know stuff even before it happens'

I can honestly say not once have I been wrong about a gut feeling I've had about a man. I also knew when my son was in a car accident. I just knew something wasn't right with him.

I've seen my mum text me when I've been sat in the house crying, no way could she have known and text "I love you"

It's so true @supercali77

Yeah my gut is generally right. But I'm also currently slightly off kilter hormonally at the moment. Time will tell I guess. None of it matters anyway really. It'll end sometime. I'll be gutted for a bit. I'll start swiping and maybe even find mr suitable. It's so interesting being on this thread. Watching what happens to everyone. How we all meet people and then let them go and move on. I'd better stop now as drink has been taken!

In my opinion people are only 'needy' when they're not getting what they personally need from the relationship and the other party. As someone else said, the other party is either capable/willing to offer what's needed or they're not.
But nobody should be nervous of spelling out what they need, otherwise you'll never be happy. Might lead to you not getting the answers you want and some short term upset, but honesty is better for all in the long run.

I've got a date Monday night, strangely with somebody I met IRL about 6 months ago who recognised me on POF when I reinstalled the app yesterday.
When we met I declined her advances as it was only a couple of weeks after my seperation and I just wasn't interested in anybody.
But I do remember her being attractive so Monday it is 🤣

So my date with Mr Hopeheisntadrunk was just ok. Nice enough bloke but just no real flirtiness there, which we had on the apps. I was happy to have another date but not sure much chemistry. Maybe nerves on his part. So, then texted FWB and went to his for the night and only on way home now. I really don't know what I'm doing....

I had another date with Mr Runner last night and it was lovely. He cooled after we dtd last week so I told him it wasn't on and he apologised. I think he has come out a ltr and so is worried about being hurt by me especially as I spend a lot of time with ex and he wants to know I won't get back together with ex.

Anyway after that difficult conversation we had a lovely evening, he is a good kisser so we snogged like teenagers again. As a middle aged woman I never thought I'd be doing that again but it was nice.

peanuthedz I'm a great believer in gut feeling too but I suspect my gut feelings last week about Mr Runner were wrong and heightened by negative 'another bank holiday on my own' feelings. Anyway time will tell but I am feeling much happier this morning about the situation.

@LilyRose88 I damaged my ankle last summer at a festival and it took weeks to recover properly. It's now 9/10 months on and I still get the odd ache in certain positions. I didn't run on it for about 3 months and then I took it very slowly but it was so frustrating. It felt like my door was hurt too but I think it was he ligaments that run all the way down and the doctors said damaged ligaments can take longer to recover fully than a break

So as frustrating as it is, be patient otherwise you risk further injury x

*my foot, not my door!

Urgh...so MrArt, who I'm meeting tomorrow, lives with his parents. Only temporary apparently while he looks for something else but that combined with him having no kids is starting to scream out red flags!

I think perhaps we are at very different stages in our lives but feel I need to at least meet him now...

eesha that sounds like quite an evening! Are you going to give him another chance? Could well just have been nerves.

Morning
Having decided not to find a FB, I went straight back on fab and am meeting Mr CC next Saturday for a drink. Refreshingly almost, last iron really did delete his profile it wasn't just a blowoff. He wants a proper relationship.

@deadsouls so he told you at the beginning he didn't like 'needy' women which seems to have set in your mind about what you can and can't expect from him in order to maintain the relationship. What happens though if his exes weren't actually needy and just wanted some regular communication and their own emotional needs met? He could be their ex for a very good reason. Don't put your own needs aside to keep a relationship which should be mutually not singularly satisfying.