Dating thread 160: fallen in love with someone you shouldn’t have fallen in love with

[CassettesAreCool]

The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

15/05/2019 19:56

Hi Everyone,

Hope you don't mind a newbie so far along in your journeys. I've been OLD for a year and a half now and have just split up with a man I've been dating for eight months . It wasn't that easy from the start tbh but I wanted it to work. I don't live in the UK and its pretty difficult to find guys to date in rural France. However, I met this man and although it wasn't perfect I thought it would grow. It did really, he was shorter than me which although I know sounds shallow, wasn't my normal type but was twinkly and smiley and very much a family man (grown up kids) although blamed his ex for everything.

Trying to cut a long story short, he felt a lot more than I did and wanted to build a life together. Very thoughtful and kind and generous but one red flag was that he could get arsey by text if he had been drinking and so I often wouldn't text late in the evening.

I think I just made him insecure as I've got my own place and lots of friends and a great job and he was semi-retired and I think I was on his mind too much. But, I ignored all these red flags and we went away for a week. By the second day we had a row - I suggested leaving and he got pissed and in another room starting going back through all my facebook posts. He was very angry and verbally abusive and frightened me so badly I had to lock myself in another room where I stayed awake all night. I've finished it now and am back at home but he can't remember what he said to me and is devastated. It's so awful that I wonder if he will do something stupid to himself and he thinks I am cruel for letting one 'slip' break us up.

I think I'm basically asking if I am being cruel? I don't think I can trust him again after that - he was so horrible and his face changed and he was so spiteful and vindictive
It's taught me a lesson to watch those red flags as they appear. I can identify them now:

Needy from the get-go
Tried to catch me out if I told him something then circumstances changed
Love-bombing, flowers songs pictures presents and cards
Jealousy even with work colleagues
Obvious drinking on his own problem.

Sorry for the War and Peace. I didn't spot the signs (or did but tried to make it work anyway).

I'm going to give OLD a break for a while - bit bruised and battered.

putastraw no slaps from me - it sounds lovely. What kind of people would we be if we didn't find happiness in meeting someone we like? It's normal ...

Lily i hear you - apart from the fact that my ex is still affecting certain aspects of my life negatively (deliberately - he's so angry I had the temerity to divorce him) - I am happy with a lovely job etc Until I met Mr BC though I spent far too much time alone. I'm also an introvert, and had to push myself to do things. Meet Up didn't work for me because of my working hours/commute and also my adult disabled DC ... I would say as a PP said, it's a low day for you, tomorrow will be better. And your date might turn out to be perfect for you.

@lifegoes I have had to drop out of a few races (as in not even go to them) due to my foot injury and I have a long race in October and two half marathons booked for next year, so it is frustrating to have had such a set back with my running. I know that I will have lost quite a lot of my fitness, plus I weighed myself the other day and I have put on 8lbs due to not running and eating chocolate and crisps due to boredom.

Boundaries are so important and I know they are protecting me, but part of me wants to rush head long into a relationship just to be with someone. I have been doing some thinking about my 4 month relationship with Mr Tiler and I have realised that it was really an exclusive FWB as he never integrated me into his life or showed any emotional attachment to me. We just dated and (very occasionally) had sex. I did fall for him but I am now grateful that he ended things between us as the feelings were all on my side. It has reminded me that I should not accept less than I deserve.

Knew I'd forget something - Lily I tore ligamentd in my ankle a few years ago and it took about 3 months to recover. I certainly couldn't have run on it for at leaat 3 or 4 months. And I had private physio treatment ....

Frenchlady you feel guilt because you're a good person but his behaviour was appalling and I think you were right to end it. Several of us here were married to alcoholics/heavy drinkers. It doesn't ens well The fact that he forgot what he did and said when he was drunk is a very bad sign.

BatshitCrazyWoman

Thanks for replying I think it's so difficult to find someone that doesn't have any red flags. He thinks that I should overlook this one time but I told him early on in the relationship that I wouldn't tolerate being verbally abused. Had enough of that from my exH for 32 years. A massive red line for me - but it's back to the drawing board again. It gets so depressing that you can be willing to ignore signs because you're lonely and want someone in your life. I read the threads and cheer you on from the sidelines and feel for you all when it doesn't go well. Easy it ain't - that's for sure x

frenchlady you are not being cruel. He clearly has a problem with drink but it is his problem, not yours. And being made to feel afraid is unacceptable. Take s breather, then onwards and upwards

@frenchlady you have definitely done the right thing. He sounds abusive and you are not being cruel. I had a relationship with an alcoholic when I was much younger and it is no fun.

@BatshitCrazyWoman thank you for sharing your experience of torn tendons. I suspect it will be quite a few more weeks before I am running again. I am thinking maybe the end of July. It is just difficult to find something else to keep me fit. I go to the gym once a week and do strengthening exercises but most of the cardio equipment hurts my foot. I do have a bike but I really don't like cycling, plus if I got stuck anywhere with a puncture or chain problems I may not be able to walk home as my foot injury is also limiting how far I can walk. I have resolved to stop eating comfort food so hopefully I can drop some of the weight I have put on recently, which will help my mood.

@LilyRose88 have you tried swimming? Might help strengthen the muscles up?

@LillyRose19 I am not a fan of swimming although several people have recommended it. I really don't like the faff of it all. It is a good idea though, so thank you for reminding me that I really ought to do it.

@LilyRose88 me either but it may get those serotonin hormones going as well- two birds and all that!x

Lilly I have sent you a DM re ankle

Oops I sent DM to wrong Lilly! It was just about using the wobble board in the gym to strengthen muscles around ankle joint. Look up sprained ankle YouTube and it’ll show you how to use it. I’d also use an ankle support for walking any distance

@PrettyPretty I think you sent the DM to the wrong Lily as it didn't arrive. I can see your later post now about the wobble board. At the moment anything that tips my ankle has me cry out in pain so I am being very careful about walking on uneven pavements and am wearing supportive trainers when I am out. I will mention it to the physio when I see him on Monday and see what he says. I am concerned that I may have torn ligaments or broken bones in my foot as it is still so painful.

Lilly have you tried using an ankle support? Is it swollen and bruised still? I’m the same age as you and I feel exactly like your earlier post at times. It helped me reading your words and realising I’m not the only one

Afternoon, I'm enjoying if that's the right word, reading this thread and discovering that every feeling I've been through, someone else has been through! Which is heartening.

I've been OLD since January. I find it slightly less baffling than before. But feel I make every mistake in the book.
I'm a open hearted kind of person, which doesn't help really in this context. I'm simply no good at hiding feelings, or playing hard to get or any of that.

Currently 'dating' if it can be called that, or have a sexual arrangement with a man. But I'm left feeling confused by his sudden shift of avid interest, to coldness within a few weeks.
I find it quite upsetting, and hate people not being clear, or straight up or going silent.

I just don't know...I feel so hopeless at this. And I keep second guessing myself: am I too needy? How many messages is too much? Why am I instigating contact all the time? Etc and so forth.
It's really quite horrible

someone tell me they understand

@PrettyPretty I do have a compression sock but I am worried that wearing it will make my muscles lazy and stop them from gaining strength during the recovery phase. I will ask the physio on Monday for advice though as I am fed up with limping everywhere!

On a happier note my date for tonight has just called me to change our meeting time slightly as he is running a bit late, and he sounded quite normal.

*@Deadsouls I am sorry to hear that your guy has gone cold. Sadly this is not unusual with OLD. I can assure you that you won't have done anything wrong, so don't beat yourself up by worrying that you have been too needy or messaged him to much. The likelihood is that he is a t*t and a player. It hurts but it is probably best not to waste any more time on him.

deadsouls I think we all understand! That’s what the rules at the top of the thread are for, you may want to consider Rule 2 in particular: develop a thick skin.

Personally I don’t think you can be too needy, as you need what you need. But you can certainly find yourself needing something which the other person can’t or won’t give. So if the man has gone cold you kind of have to accept that your needs and his don’t match, and move on. Sorry if they sounds a bit brutal 💐

@Deadsouls If you want my only piece of advice after a traumatic few months OLD, don't bother with playing hard to get or pretending to be anything other than who you are and asking for what you need and accepting nothing less, or anything which makes you feel bad about yourself or used. You might get less men/less interest, but it'll be a lot of the time the type of interest you don't want.

If you sense him moving away and you don't like it - well, I can tell you what I would send in the benefit of hindsight. But that's up to you - but I would personally address it. Don't sit passively by waiting for him to either pay attention or drift further away. Is this the kind of person you want? Is this the kind of arrangement you want?

@CassettesAreCool Yuppers. Christ OLD is hard, but ya learn!

All - have been mostly lurking for the last 2 threads as have paused dating for a while until I get a few personal things sorted out.
But just wanted to jump in to offer  💐 to those feeling down.

@Deadsouls I think you are experiencing "bread-crumbing" and have been "ghosted". We mostly all here I think have been through this and it is horrible! You have done nothing wrong xx and hugs to you.
Read and re-read the thread rules though - it'll help you to become more thick-skinned which is really a requirement

Whoops, meant to say

Really a requirement to be able to navigate the OLD minefield.

Lilyrose88 thank you! On one level I know that I haven't done anything 'wrong'. On another level, this process triggers all my insecurities.

cassettesarecool I think 'needy' is sometimes an adjective used to shame women (and men), for basically having a need for warmth, trust, affection and respect (and more). I spoke with my best friend and she said, it's not needy to want contact or to speak to him.
I was put on the alert because this guy has referred to 'needy' women at the beginning and how off putting it was. Thus, I kind of feel a little bit set up. As in, mustn't be too needy. I'm feeling that this man, who is also pretty narcissistic, has limited capacity for meeting needs.

supercali77
Thank you! That's just the kind of validation I need, to just be myself. Not bother with all the hard to get nonsense. I used to be down on myself, wondering why was I one of those women who couldn't be hard to get. Yes I'm going to address it with him. I'm expecting some defensiveness around it. But it's actually too distressing to be silent.