Dating thread 160: fallen in love with someone you shouldn’t have fallen in love with

[CassettesAreCool]

The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

15/05/2019 19:56

Well Eesha in that case I would say that ripping the plaster off and going no contact with FWB is probably what you need right now - so long as you are sure that this is NOT because you are over-investing in your date this weekend? If there is a danger that you are over-investing, maybe wait until after the date to decide what to do about FWB? You have a lot going on!

@CassettesAreCool TBH FWB is taking my mind away from my date which shouldn't happen. But I think you're right, I won't burn any bridges just yet.

Off topic slightly but get more support here than other threads.

So fed up with feeling unhealthy, emotional zombie (Dailymail article) no energy. So, am going to wean myself off the happy pills as been on them for years. Now my STBXH has left and my Dad has died, I have nothing left to bring me down really, iyswim. I'm going to see if HRT makes any difference. Give up the fags, drink less, walk more/further.

I want to get back in touch with my feelings, good and bad. I want to be able to tell MrWow I love him, poor guy.

Anyone else ever felt like I do, that you need a complete shake up? Even looking back 2 yrs ago, I don't know how I found the energy to date so many guys, where did that woman go!

I've not been on ADs or HRT, TooOld but I do wonder whether you should talk to your GP about how to come off the ADs given you have only recently gone on HRT (IIRC)? You may not feel positive effects for a few weeks. Fully with you about the cigs and drink of course, and the exercise, and the wanting to be in touch with feelings, and the shaking up.

@TooOldForThis67 go easy. @CassettesAreCool is right. Let the HRT settle. I've been on ADs for 20 odd years. I've tried to come off but it's bloody hard. You have to taper. Even then I get fluey and depressed. Also don't combine it with giving up smoking. I went on ADs when I gave up fags. You're trying to do a lot all st once. Maybe start with the exercise and booze.

Well I'm a bit flat. It's been 3 months with Mr Unsuitable and I still swing from being in a loved up haze to deciding to dump him. My spidey senses are telling me he's gone off the boil but he says not. He's very busy (well he thinks he is) so I guess that explains it. I'm not sure if it's because I'm feeling paranoid and anxious because of a condition I have. I almost wish he'd dump me so I can just get on with being sad and getting back in the apps to find someone suitable.

@CassettesAreCool you know what I think about coming off the apps and focussing on one person... it's the only way to deal with OLD without getting confused and feeling dishonest. it's giving the person a chance without comparing them or having to choose.

I am one of those who got sucked in to sexting when I first started OLD. It's hard when you haven't had sex for years and suddenly it's available. It feels almost miraculous! Don't do it now though.

Hello all! I haven't checked in for a while and have lots to catch up on, but before I do I just want someone to tell me not to get too invested! I've had one date with Mr Lorry and it was so.....easy and so lovely..... Gorgeous snogging at the end of the evening.... We message all the time and he's funny, articulate, intelligent.... He's also deaf which is a total learning curve for me. I'm already way too invested aren't I? It can't go well. I've had 2 years of awful dates - this can't go well. Please slap me!

Well I'm still chatting to MrArt, who is still 3 years younger than me and has no children. He is also 6ft 3
I think we're going to meet up on Sunday evening when I get back from my holiday. Still a bit sad about MrSAS but the week away has done me the world of good in that sense.
I also didn't want to be another woman he had sex with so I know I did the right thing.

@Sunshineandflipflops just have to repeat, I totally admire how you dealt with MrSAS. Can imagine how hard it is but you really put yourself first. You should be so proud of yourself.

peanutz yes I hear you about FWB and actually I don’t think I’m going to see him again. He was here last night but there’s now nothing in the diary to meet up again. I’m away on holiday tomorrow and I’ll be frantically busy with work when I get back, so I just don’t think I’ll have the time. And I need to spend what little time I have spare concentrating on what I really want to do. I’ll miss both the friends and the benefits bit, mind, though not the slight freeloading 😳

puta no slaps from me, he sounds lovely. There’s a fine line between over-investing and self-sabotaging. At this early stage, just go with the flow. Good luck.

sunshine you are indeed awesome 😎

@putastrawunderbaby No slaps from me either, sorry! An evening that ends with gorgeous snogging with a lovely man is never a bad thing. I'm afraid I can't offer any advice on not over investing. I'm always all in - if that's too much for some men, then they're not the men for me, I can't pretend to be cool, calm and collected, it's just not me and I can't be otherwise 🤷🏻‍♀️

@Sunshineandflipflops MrArt sounds a bit switswoo. I very welcome distraction from MrSAS I should imagine. Hopefully your tote bag will be getting another outing before too long.😉

@Peanuthedz Why don't you put the ball in his court a little - see how keen he really is on you if you're having doubts as to his intent? Maybe leave it up to him to initiate contact (if you normally do it?) and see what happens. You don't sound overly happy with the way things are and a little in limbo? Don't wait for him to end things if it's not feeling right. I think 3/4 months is a telling time in a relationship - you've both got a good measure of the other person and deciding whether it's got long term potential or not.

@JeSuisPrest 😂

@Peanuthedz - I hadn't thought of that, coming off AD's AND giving up smoking! Hmm, will have to rethink. As for your situation, I get you about your feelings swinging from being loved up and then not. Have a word with him about how he see's things. You might be missing the heady joy of a new relationship now you've got to the 3mth mark.

I was supposed to be seeing MrWow tonight instead of the usual Sat eve/Sun afternoon. A couple of week ago he asked if I'd mind if he watched footie with his mates Sat, which I said fine. Earlier this week he mentioned he was getting behind with work so I suggested he goes in Sun to clear his desk as it was obviously bothering him. He now has man flu. So, I msg him to say just pop in for coffee after work, no kissing, lol (he was going to stay the night). I don't feel like I'm a priority in his life atm so I'm going to cut him some slack and see where it goes. Yes, I know he loves me, maybe not enough though.

@TooOldForThis67 Seems like a series of unfortunate events to coin a phrase. Try not to read too much into it. If it was footy this weekend, work one day next weekend and not feeling well the weekend after it wouldn't seem so bad, it's because it's all on the same weekend. Maybe write off this weekend with him and do something for yourself/with friends?

@TooOldForThis67 it's a big game on Saturday night and then with work I don't think it's the case he doesn't love you enough.

Please don't come off your AD yourself

I've just stopped smoking and I'm using a vape.
Best thing I've done, and I have used patches and the tablets in the past.

I got addicted to nicorette chewing gum for about 3 years after giving up. I'm very addictive. 😊

@putastrawunderbaby no slap. Enjoy it. If it comes to nothing well at least you've enjoyed the happy hormones while they lasted.

I think it's just me having a moment. I've got a condition which affects my mood (as well as menopause and anxiety🤪) and it's not being monitored. I just realised this morning that's what's up with me as it has a physical manifestation. Makes me cross, anxious and tired. And I'm all three. He's carrying on as he always does it's my reaction to it. I've shaken him up now though as can't see him til next week partly through him not listening and he's pissed off. With not seeing me that is! That's enough affirmation for me for now. Offto make GP appointment.

Jesuis - My Mum has my son almost every Sat early eve til Sun, so I can go out/have a lie in. I've arranged to see a mate. I sound melodramatic about MrWow but yesterday he said '.......less time at work, more time for me (him), have a holiday, get somewhere to live, see more of the kids, not be so tired etc.' No mention of me! I said 'don't forget me!' and he replied 'how could I. xx'.

lifegoes - Well done for stopping! I think I'll cut down to half dose AD's. I've already got a vape so will dig it out and have a go starting Monday. Eek. Did it for 9 yrs so I know it's possible. Sky are showing the game for free, so it must be big, lol.

@TooOldForThis67 Good that you've got something planned for you. Perhaps in his cackhanded man way he was assuming you wouldn't need a mention in his list, because it was already a given how much you mean to him and nothing needs improving or changing with regard to your relationship, so why mention you? I'll remind you once again, this man has said he loves you. No one says that lightly. Believe him

I'm going through a real 'I hate myself' time at the moment. On the face of it I have a good job, lovely house and enough money to be comfortable, but I am an introvert and don't have many friends and I struggle to socialise. I am trying to be brave by going to events on my own and am actively making sure that I have something to do at the weekend, but I still find myself wishing that I had a partner or significant other who loves me and treats me well.

In the past I have accepted less than ideal treatment from men and I am self aware enough to know that I do suffer from low self esteem. I have had spells of counselling and CBT which have improved my self belief and I am able to acknowledge that I am worthy of love, but finding it is so difficult. I am in my very late 50s and without being braggy I know that I look much younger. Finding someone that I fancy and like as a person is proving so difficult. I came off the apps, as in not actively looking, but I didn't delete my profile. I got a message from a local guy during the week and after a few texts I suggested that we meet for a coffee this evening. I felt it would be silly not to meet him but I'm not massively feeling it right now.

I am doing lots of 'nice' things for myself, like having a massage later this afternoon, and meeting up with my daughters at the weekend. One challenge for me is that I currently live about 50 miles away from my friends and family, and the area where I lived all my life. I moved here four years ago when I was in an abusive relationship and my ex was trying to isolate me from friends and family. It is a great area to live in but I have only made a few friends, and I still commute back to my old area for work, making it a bit more difficult to meet local people.

I have tried Meetup groups and looked for other groups or local activities but haven't found the right thing for me yet which fits in with my commuting and work commitments.

Sorry for the rant but I am working from home today and I have allowed my negative thoughts to take over for a while. I'm sure that normal service will be resumed soon .

@TooOldForThis67 great start. You are do amazing and I'm in awe of how well you are doing. I know it's hard and will have difficult times but honestly, you should be very proud of yourself and how well you are handling everything. 😘

@LilyRose88 I read that post and other than a few minor changes on age etc. I actually thought I could have wrote that myself. You are doing all the right things, sometimes it's just hard. The more I'm learning what my boundaries are and the more I know exactly what I want, the more difficult it's becoming. I'm no longer tolerate of men who I don't feel that "something with" from the start. I know that is there as I've had it. I've turned down two dates this week as I'm just not feeling it.

My advice would be, keep going, keep doing the things for you, keep looking for groups etc. Today is just one day, just a bad day and that's absolutely ok.

@lifegoes thank you for your post. I rarely have bad days as I am generally pretty positive about my life, and the counselling and CBT that I had have helped me to chase away negative thoughts. I know that my boundaries are important, but they do sometimes feel like they are boxing me in, rather than protecting me from repeating old unhealthy patterns. I am trying to be kind to myself and tell myself that this feeling will pass. Even if my date tonight is awful, I will have got myself out of the house and met someone. I think part of my current problem is that I can't go running at the moment as my injured foot still isn't better. Running really helps clear my head and is a kind of 'therapy' for me.

I have booked a physio appointment for Monday as I want someone to look at my foot and give me some advice. I am still limping two months after I sprained my ankle, and I can only wear trainers as shoes hurt me too much. My GP is pretty useless and the doctor I saw at A&E when I injured my foot was very condescending when I told him that I thought I had hurt my foot as well as my ankle. He wouldn't even authorise an x ray of my foot, saying that it was just my ankle that needed an x ray. I suspect I have either broken some bones in my foot or torn some tendons.

There is a film club locally on a Thursday evening, so I am going to go along to that next week as they serve food and I just about get home in time to get there. Onwards and upwards.

@LilyRose88 I think sometimes we put so much pressure on ourself to be happy all the time, to do this and that. Sometimes we just need that one day to go, I'm not ok today but that's ok.

You are doing well, getting out there and pushing yourself to do so.

Boundaries, don't change and certainly don't drop them. They have been formed due to getting hurt previously.

Def get your ankle checked out, it shouldn't be still like this after two months.

I've just started back running, I agree it's therapy. Although I'm hating having to start from the beginning when I was such a good runner previously.