Dating thread 160: fallen in love with someone you shouldn’t have fallen in love with

[CassettesAreCool]

The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

15/05/2019 19:56

supercali I took it that smart and trustworthy meant your qualities as a person, attractive your qualities as a sex object. But I agree the categories are both unclear and limited.

@StealthNinjaMum I hope not, I'm not blonde, I don't have big boobs. I'm 40. I wouldn't say I was a "stereotype woman" at all.

I'm a very sexual woman, but I don't want bombarded with sexting in 24 hours, as @HairyArsedMan said I can handle funny sex talk and even just off the cuff. But not straight away pure filth.

I want a connection, great humour, cheekiness something that grabs my attention. If in a few days it leads to sex talk. I don't mind that, as that's another compatible tick I need to know.

@kerkyra my full length picture was just before I went out on a night out I wasn't bending over. I had a skirt and top on. Yes my legs were on show. But I wasn't doing anything other than standing in front of a mirror.

@lifegoes I wasn't implying there was anything wrong with having big boobs or being blonde anyway just wondering it affected men.

I think we're quite similar then. Six months ago I would have been shocked at some of the messages I send mr Runner but he is interesting to talk to and didn't start with the filthy chat. I just hope he doesn't have any obnoxious Brexit views, must ask him at the weekend.

Haha and nor was I BTW @StealthNinjaMum I just don't think I give anything off in picture that implies hit me up with sex only.

It's only happened since I've gone back on, maybe I'm just being more picky in what I'm tolerating and not.

@lifegoes this has been such a learning experience for me and as a mother of girls I will be so good at preparing them for the shitty men out there.

I had quite a few “straight in with the sex talk” messages after matching. Literally within half a dozen messages. I began to challenge them with comments like “why on earth would you write something like that, we haven’t even met!” Or similar to what @lifegoes said “hey I’m looking for a mental attraction as well as a physical one so stop with the sex stuff”.

I am blonde and had comments like “you look like a right goer” and “god I’d love you to sit on my face”. All my profile pics were head and shoulder only, smiling in most, no boobs visible, no full length shots, no bikini shots, no gym shots... and yet men still felt they could comment on me sexually from just a pic of my face. Ugh.

I think they have a scattergun approach - I did ask one before I blocked him if this technique worked for him - he said lol sometimes. So there must be some women out there who like it.

Oh @Sidge I'm sorry you have this also but I'm also pleased in a way that's it's nothing I'm doing personally.

I think you are right it's a scatter gun approach

I used to get the sexual messages straight off, too. Weirdly, hardly ever got them on Fab 😂 I am blonde with big boobs and decent legs but my pics are quite covered up, no pouting duck face .... seemed to make no difference. So I think some (idiot) men think it'll work eventually ...

Thanks @lifegoes, I wouldn’t take it personally as I really do think they just scattergun textual porn to any woman they match with. It’s not even flattering is it?!

I’m off all the apps now, haven’t swiped for ages and am going to focus on Mr Eagle. He made a refreshing change as despite being dyslexic he messaged often and not one sex text at all until after we’d DTD!

Do you think some blokes get off on sending these gross messages due to the reaction they get?
My worst one was I matched with a guy and his first message was literally 2 emojis - tongue and cat (you can guess what that means). wow.

@crappyday2018 yes I think some guys really get off on sending gross messages for a reaction. I usually just block them as soon as I get a message, rather than send them a message saying anything back. I have had guys say things like 'I think I might be too much for you as I need sex 4 times a day' - so not exactly gross, but clearly seeking some kind of reaction. I block them too rather than waste time responding as it is clear that I will not ever want to meet them!

Match seems to be quite good at blocking guys. There is a weird 'this is a bad egg' message that replaces a guys photo. A worrying number of men are 'bad eggs'

I always apply the 'dont reward bad behaviour' principle so they would get blocked and ignored by me.

I think some men definitely do it to shock. The modern day equivalent of a flasher in his dirty mac.

But what worries me more is that I think some men do employ the scatter gun approach and it must work sometimes. So whoever these women are out there that respond favourably to dick pics and sexting from the offset, please do the rest of us a favour and stop!!!

On Match the problem I have with messages is not that they are gross but that they are mind-numbingly boring/tragic. But yes, on Tinder and Bumble they definitely like to push boundaries, and I imagine it's even worse on POF as anyone can message without even matching.

I found the sex talk with strangers quite refreshing when I started OLD as basically I was gagging for it - so sorry guys, I might be one of those women who have spoilt it for everyone else! In my defence (a) I hadn't had sex for a VERY long time and honestly thought I never would again, and (b) I hadn't found this thread which would have talked me down I think.

Obvs I don't do it any more. Again, sorry

Ha ha!! I KNEW there must be someone out there joining in. You are forgiven cassettes 😂😂

@CassettesAreCool I was the same at the beginning. I had many exciting sex chats with men I never actually met. I also don't do it now cos I actually find it boring. I'd much rather be doing it than talking about it.

I think I would agree 🙈 I entertained at the start of OLD, but as I know now what I want and don't want. And tbh, seen so many stories on here and MN about men just getting sex and never hearing from them again. I don't want to do that or entertain that.

I'm not saying all men will do that, but I think there's a higher risk.

My boundaries are set, and I will not compromise them for anyone.

Hello peeps, my date is this weekend with Mr Hopeheisntadrunk and he has been messaging me every day at least just to check in, which is exactly what I was looking for. I'm really looking forward to meeting him.

On the downside, I feel I was getting a bit too emotionally involved with my FWB so might need to knock it on the head. I'd never had one before and I was finding I was getting annoyed if he wasn't chasing me like before, almost treating him like a partner with expectations etc so I just thought the best thing was to walk away. The situation really did upset me though so i just feel like the FWB model just doesn't work for me. Anyone else had that happen?

@Eesha I had a FWB years ago, it was great and suited us both. But I caught feelings, I would find myself getting annoyed at him that he didn't care like I wanted him to. We would speak about everything and anything. We got on so well, but he didn't want anything more. Luckily for me, he's now one of my closest friends we don't have sex and we wouldn't as we know we can't cross that line again.

But it taught me, I'm not designed like that.

eesha good luck with the date this weekend.

Re FWB, I currently have one and to be honest the feelings ebb and flow, for each of us I would say. Having regular sex (at least once a week) is what we need and being able to be soppy/supportive if needs be is great too. When it ends though, I won't be replacing FWB because I do think having him holds me back from really trying to find a LTR.

Lunch date with mr races was lovely, so relaxed. He dropped me nearby at a shop and I was going to walk back and then he came in after me as said it was raining and he couldn’t leave me to walk in it. How cute is that! He did suggest going to his so I said I’d think he only wanted one thing. But he said couldn’t blame him for trying. Maybe I should follow your ladies lead and leave Pof and invest. Just worried I’ll over invest and he still on

Thanks @lifegoes @CassettesAreCool. The trouble is we used to have great fun, talking for ages, he was my first real of experience of intimacy in many years. Now I'm feeling like just another woman he has had sex with. He keeps saying it's not the case etc but I don't know why I'm even bothered by it at all. We are completely unsuited. I just think the best thing is to never see him again, which hurts but it's just making me confused.