Dating thread 160: fallen in love with someone you shouldn’t have fallen in love with

[CassettesAreCool]

The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

15/05/2019 19:56

@hairyarsedman where to begin with my anxieties? I think I've had to process th fact that six months ago I was 'happily' married, analyse what went wrong and start from scratch in learning how to meet people, how to communicate, how to flirt using phones and whatsapp . My biggest anxiety has been not able to second guess what the men are thinking and wondering why they're bombarding me with up to 100 messages a day, pictures of their food, pets, children, naked torsos and not quite believing they liked me - especially when they're constantly on whatsapp and match presumably messaging other people.

Anyway I dtd yesterday with someone and he says he wants another date although communications have calmed down since. I have ignored my phone today and do feel better for it. I enjoyed it but did message another iron in case it doesn't work with Mr Runner.

@StealthNinjaMum As @Ant330 says we all use WhatsApp for all purposes. It's pointless worrying about that. The being on the sites thing comes up loads on these thread and my solution is to take myself off the sites so I can follow the 'do unto others' rule. If someone else is still there, for whatever reason, I'll never know and I'll gauge their interaction/interest by what I see.

You're right I get suspicious when They're whatasapping at 1am but then I'm usually whatsapping male friends at that time too!

Just looking for thoughts here on living arrangements of irons. I'm due to meet someone this week who is still living with his ex. He says they live separately, she has new partners, as has he. However just thinking could be a bit weird. He did say his previous ex had an issue with it too. The reasoning is he can't afford a place yet nearby to the family. He even said his ex could contact me and prove they aren't together!

I've had this with a previous iron eesha. I was prepared to believe him as I knew a family member of his and he invited me to a big party with his friends there. But it did mean he couldn't invite me to his. And who knows what goes on behind closed doors.

After him I ended up with my current iron who has just been separated a year and not started the divorce. He's not ready for what I want and we are calling things a day. Putting the two experiences together I'd advise not getting invested with someone who hasn't ended things fully with their ex. It could have saved me a lot of upset.

@Notcoolmum thanks for that. He did say that although he was very much looking for a proper partner, he appreciated people may not like his living arrangements. However I guess I feel we do get on well so I thought just to meet him and see. He says his ex is keen for him to also meet someone so he will move out too.

Ooohh the l word. Lovely news shit look forward to hearing the story ❤️❤️
Sounds like a great date Cassandra
Hope you are ok Coco

I have a new iron. He may be a great for a short term non exclusive FB. I'll call him Mr Quads. May meet week after next. Anyway I'm amused he just dropped his age by 5 years. Lol

@eesha I think someone on here is /was in that situation too. I can understand the discomfort though

@Eesha I met someone like that a couple weeks ago too. I like him a lot but to be honest it feels really awkward to me. I don’t like him going back home there.... I also feel he is in a total different stage to me and probably isn’t ready for any commitment whereas I am probably more ready.
Still keeping a few other irons warm at the moment

@eesha - I lived with my ex for nearly 2 years and had many a date meet him. When I explained to potential irons, I always explained that my ex was seeing someone too and that he'd be happy to meet them. It seemed to dispel most doubts. Not ideal but I felt emotionally ready so why not!

Aww, shitwith, that's just great! Who said it first though?

First of all, sorry to hear about those who have fallen off the smitten bench. I'm not sure if I said this previously, but it's good that you've all set your boundaries and have stuck with them. Even though it's going to hurt short term.

I'm swiping daily on Tinder. Currently have 9 matches but I messaged two and - surprise! - no replies. The other 7 matched with me between yesterday and a week ago. No messages. Tomorrow will be the first anniversary of my first OLD date. I don't think I ever thought I'd be in the same position a year on. If I can't even get messages, or conversations with decent men, how can I even get a date? Back to the paid sites maybe? But my last three month stint with Match only produced one date. FML... I have wine though. 😊

@TooOldForThis67 thanks, I needed to hear that as this iron and his ex seem to be getting on with their lives separately and sounds like everyone is happy. I will definitely meet at least then.

Can any experienced daters help with a situation? Had date 1 with someone; very lovely, lots in common, wasn't sure about physical attraction but nice enough and I find people more attractive the more I get to know them usually. Had 2nd date, again really good ended with a kiss, and that's when it all changed for me, it was awful! Cannot fancy him now but don't know what to say as there will appear to be no reason for my sudden change of heart and I don't want him to know why and become paranoid obviously so what do I say?! Help, he is a really nice bloke so do want to be nice about it but also final. Thanks if anyone has a good way with words.

@Whatastawberryfool - you could say that you didn't feel a spark when you kissed!

Thanks too old, yeah guess that would cover it, might even blame the beard (I like beards but it makes it less personal to him and more about me maybe then)
Agree with what Ant (I think) said earlier about it being much harder to do the finishing, I too might have to be far more selective, but it takes time to know how you feel about someone (not talking about Mr 2 dates now obviously) and after a couple of months if you're not feeling it you can't help that.
Thanks to everyone for sharing their experiences by the way, I generally lurk but it helps to navigate the mad world of old knowing others are going through it too

@nestofswipers a year isn't that long imo. Sorry if that's not what you want to hear. I don't think the paid sites are worth it personally as everyone seems to be on free site too.

I know, but I'm early 50s and feeling like time is running out. Even to get on some dates would be better. I've had over four months of none. Had one a couple of weeks ago. I was a bit bored of him towards the end, plus his ex didn't let him see his children which set the red flags flying for me. But he just ghosted me anyway. Not that I was bothered, or at all surprised with the way that OLD works! I have hardly spent my life fending off make attentions, and this lack of interest just highlights it all. I wasn't loved by my late husband really, and my subsequent boyfriend was a narcissist (his strange behaviours have been validated by mutual friends since), I just want a break.

Male attentions! Flipping autocorrect!! 😂

@NestOfSwipers - maybe a review of your dating profile from someone on here would be helpful?

Yes good idea @TooOld - happy to help @NestOfSwipers. I can't claim huge success with my own profile but I have read millions 

Forgot to commiserate with @LilyRose88 earlier on Tory Boy - bullet dodged but hopefully Cupid's arrow next.

Thank you, @HairyArsedMan Ant330 had a look at my Bumble profile and suggested a tweak to a photo but there wasn't much major work required! Happy for you go look at my Tinder profile.

Thanks all - apologies for still going on about my dramas - fed up of dramas! All ok. For poster who asked no I have not gone nc- the opposite - spending a good chunk of time together this week...
cassandara sounds like a great date
shit the 'L' word - how lovely!
nest know that feeling of feeling like time is running out
simon has your fwb said anything today about last night - I would have loved that sort of ott gesture!

Coco are you okay?

Lily Aaargh!!! You're well shot of him.

Ant you did the right thing, and you feel shit because you're a decent human being.

shitwith squeeeeeee!! Lovely over here on the loved up bench - enjoy Ikea. I'm awake early with Mr BC half asleep next to me .... I've had an amazing weekend 😊

Nest I've been OLD on and off for over three years .... I'm 55. Don't know how long Mr BC and I will last (a long time, I hope) but I understand the 'no time to waste' feeling.

I can vouch for @hairyarsedman 's profile reviews. I got three irons within 24 hours of rewriting my profile and have been asked for a 3rd date with Mr Runner.

My current anxiety around this date is that because I have lost so much weight I only have one evening date outfit and he's seen it. I am really struggling with clothes, I'm mid 40s and ample bosomed and am finding lots of cleavage revealing clothes for women 20 years younger with tiny straps and lots of matronly tops that completely cover me up. Anyway I'll shut up now because I can hear teeny tiny violins.

@nestofswipers it Is probably where you live that means lack of irons. Are there any meetup groups near you where you can meet men and get to know them over time?

@cocokoko123 Sorry i haven't really kept up with your story but I hope you're ok.

@lilyrose88 nightmare date. We definitely need to discuss politics more in date 1 to weed out the dodgy ones.