Dating thread 160: fallen in love with someone you shouldn’t have fallen in love with

[CassettesAreCool]

The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

15/05/2019 19:56

Jesuis unlike some I'm not speaking for all men just myself 🤣 but I experience similar feelings. I might describe them differently, but as you go through the rollercoaster of OLD, meetIng people, dating, realationship, splitting up (meeting this afternoon now btw) I've experienced the emotions of feeling needy, insecure, over thinking etc.
I am talking blokes in general now based on those I know, but generally we don't like admitting this stuff or talking openly about it. It's not the manly thing to do is it?
Fortunately I've got a couple of very good friends (and their wives) that I can be honest with, and I found you lot which has been a massive help 👍
I did worry that talking about splitting from MissOz, particularly while some were going through splits of their own, might alienate me a bit. But the support has still been there, so thank you!

sidge why not, if you can do it without feelings getting in the way then get that itch scratched 🤣

bullying whilst I agree that a 3 year old up at 11 doesn't fit my parenting style there may well have been extenuating circumstances, perhaps that's why he commented on it?
But agree with others that you're thinking too far ahead, you might not even like or fancy him when you first meet. Plus you're unlikely to even meet each others kids for 6 months if everything went swimmingly, so I'd take that out of the equation whilst you're chatting.
wotcher agree with others re boundaries. He may well just have been defending himself in the previous incident, but it sounds like you've made your mind up on that score anyway. Clearly he's unwilling to respect the boundaries you've set, you're only losing a potential friend by the sound of it so get rid.

@Ant330 Why would you be worried about feeling alienated? You haven't done anything wrong, it's just not working out and I think most of us respect you for being honest and speaking to her like a grown up. That and her being racist, of course

I hope the meeting goes ok.

Thanks @Ant330 interesting to hear it from your side of the coin. Good luck this afternoon, I'm sure none of us think any worse of you for ending things with Miss Oz. I think you've been on the fence for a couple of weeks now tbh and this incident just tipped you over. I know you'll be very kind and let her down gently, but it doesn't make things any easier being the dumper or the dumpee ☹

I think on balance I'm going to take the advice the wise wishywashy always gives- if you're not sure ask the question, at least you'll know 🤷🏻‍♀️. Anything else causes a major case of over thinking and general angst (for me at least).

JT have you been able to remove your posts? And hopefully any others where people might have unwittingly responded but used your name.. just trying to help.. I think too as one other suggested try perhaps a different posts in the Relationship section as I think this one is more dating-focused. 

@JeSuisPrest yep I agree on asking questions but use the "wise mind" when doing so. Ie if you think about a Venn diagram where you have logical and emotional then the wise mind is the bit where they overlap. Sorry for being geeky with my Venn diagram explanation btw 🤣

@WotcherHarry definitely ditch him, he sounds worryingly unhinged

@Ant330 Best of luck for today :-(

Hi all,

I just wanted to check in as i feel a bit down today.I am on Bumble and Tinder, but I have no irons at all. I met a women for coffee last week, but she is so busy that she is never free.

Hi i wanted to ask your views on something please.I went on a date last Friday, and i liked her. The only thing is, she is only free every 2nd weekend due to childcare. So she cant meet on weekday evenings, and only 2 weekends a month.

I dont know how this will work if we meet every second weekend. Is this common, and have any of you made this work?

ash I'm sorry you're feeling a bit down on such a beautiful day. Maybe contemplating the apps is not what you really need right now, maybe pop out for a walk and a Magnum?

Re your lady from Friday. You are probably overthinking this. If you really like her it may be worth following through at least for a couple more dates, and see how it goes. Things work out if you both want them to work out.

ash - I always think that when someone says they are busy then they are stalling. An outright no would be preferable to being left hanging on.

Thanks cassettes, i may just get myself out for a walk. It just feels down sometimes not having someone to text and arrange a date with. Im more questioning if seeing say the Friday date, only twice a month, is enough to build a relationshop on?

Too old yes i may just ask for a direct answer.she is always busy

ash I think the standard wisdom is only twice a month is too infrequent. I'm sure there are exceptions to this, but the messaging and connection when you do meet would have to be pretty special.

I know what you mean about missing the messaging and excitement of something on the horizon. It is a bit addictive - which to me suggests it's time to rain check and get out in the real world for a bit. I'm in the same position myself but also am marking exam papers so there is no real world for me this weekend!

So I do agree with the mumsnet "code" of obviously not meeting kids until you are pretty sure about someone and that's months not weeks that you have taken to get to know someone.
But here's what I keep thinking.

When people have kids being a parent is a massive part of who they are. Clearly we all love our kids,men and women.
Not one person Iv come across would openly admit (or even have the thought themselves) that their child is badly behaved. some of them have children with awful behaviour and no respect at all. 9/10 times due to crap parenting. (close family and friends included in this)

How do you deal with this? Because I'm thinking it's a long time to invest in someone who parenting duties aside could be lovely, normal and you fall for them. Then bang you meet their offspring and it's not something you could / would want to be around.

Or your kids meet them and don't like them.

I don't want to sound like a grump here but I will openly admit that I don't like being around naughty children. I'm not talking about normal all kids play up type stuff. I'm talking about the numerous children and parents I have had the misfortune to spend time with that are outright disrespectful with no being pulled up on it.

Wow @bullyingadvice2017 that's some post.

My son is now early 20's and I can say I've met a small handful of " really naughty" kids in my lifetime of schools, children's parties etc. And I've actually found some of those children have medical issues that have also triggered the "bad behaviour"

I don't think I've ever judged someone on their parenting skills without actually knowing that person very well. And even then on that basis I've never come across a bad parent.

You seem to be focusing on the one possible negative impact. But if you don't try to get to know someone how are you ever going to know.

My son has only ever met two men I've had relationships with. One he liked one he didn't. By the second he was old enough to accept him for me.

How would you feel if a man said to you, I'm sorry I can't date you because you my children don't like you. Or I can't go on a date with you because I think you could be a bad parent??

Just wanted to say thanks to those who confirmed my thoughts. Sometimes you know something but it’s helpful to hear someone else say it, right? I appreciate it, though. He text me again this morning and I’m going to text back and say that I think it’ll be difficult to establish a friendship as we clearly want different things from it. Thanks again

Hi all wow just caught up. What a start to the thread. Sorry je suis that you had such a mean thing said. Loved your hug line.Had date 4 with mr races last night. Went so well we had lunch today. Sex is amazing, can talk easily but still not 100%. I’m having a major quandary as when I was wobbling about if he was multi dating as still on app I unhid and arranged a first meet for this aft. I feel bad now for going but would equally feel bad cancelling. Don’t really know what I’m doing. Is it normal as it’s early days and will it clarify my mind or am I making things more complex? Help

So bullying do you no that he consistently lets his 3 year old child stay up till 11am, or is this based on a comment about one evening in particular?

I think I've made a mistake in not telling Mr Welsh I have children. I'm not interested in anything serious, and he knows that. I don't want anything complicated but I know single mothers are seen as having massive baggage. Bah.

Did you say you DIDN'T have children? Has he asked? @bumblebrambles

@bullyingadvice2017 you sound really judgemental. Many of us have got kids with ASD or SEN or problems because they have seen their dad abuse their mum (or vice versa)

Assuming you're not exaggerating you must just have a poor choice of friends because most of mine have lovely children.

@lifegoes

No. I wouldn't out-and-out lie. It hasn't come up. I don't really want to know if he has children, either.

Bumble brambles if it’s casual why does it matter? They never going to meet anyway.
Bullying- you must mix with different people to you ? I understand what you mean about not wanting too long to meet Incase kids don’t get on or dislike iron though. Is a concern if you really like them

Then I wouldn't worry at all about you not telling him. You don't want anything serious and he's never asked. And I'm a single mother and I don't see single mothers as having massive baggage. I see them as very strong minded individuals. Who can cope with almost anything thrown at them @bumblebrambles

You definitely haven't made any mistake. 😘

I'm new at this casual business! But if consensus is that it doesn't matter, I won't let it worry me and see how the night goes. We've only been messaging for a few days, and are meeting for the first time in....5 hours....

bullyingadvice I guess we all have red lines and boundaries and yours seem to be exceptionally strict criteria about parenting - in which case I would suggest you should indeed put your cards on the table to irons with children, to save wasting yours or anyone else's time.

bumble I am very confused - are you saying that a party in a potential relationship, of whatever nature except maybe fuck buddies, should not be open about having children (assuming they do, of course)? How on earth is that a good idea? It's fundamental. Isn't it like my poor Mr Desperate saying he is 6' when in fact he's only 5'8" - you just end up looking a bit stupid?

No...I'm saying that I probably should've put it on my profile at the start.

I definitely feel a bit stupid and clueless.