Dating thread 160: fallen in love with someone you shouldn’t have fallen in love with

[CassettesAreCool]

The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

15/05/2019 19:56

@Jessicataylor - you really should do a name change as anyone could come on here and read your posts, it's very outing! It's all here for public viewing.

@Jessicataylor unfortunately anything can be found on google by search of name.

Just looking at his phone? Is there anything else that makes you think he is. Change your name then give us a full update. I'm sure we can all help you

Hi all. Been quietly lurking but I’m hopeful for any different opinions on this.

I had a couple of dates with someone a few months back who disclosed some stuff that would’ve been a deal breaker. I had an inkling that all was not quite right but the final disclosure was of an altercation with someone that his ex wife had an affair with. Apparently the guy went for him and tried to stab him, and he beat the shit out of him. It affected his job for a long time due to the nature of it and he disclosed it as I made an offhand comment that I would do a Claire’s Law disclosure on anyone that I dated before they met my children or if I had any concerns once I’d known them for a while.

Since that I made it very, very clear that I did not want a relationship with him and that the disclosure frightened me, though I appreciated his honesty. He’s tried the guilt thing a few times. I generally enjoy his company but wouldn’t want a relationship with him so I’ve had platonic coffee with him a couple of times. I say that, but he’s attempted to cuddle in to me etc and actually kissed me after the one before last, but I redrew the boundaries very clearly.
He sent me a text after the last time saying that he deserved a medal for acting appropriately and not kissing me. I read it, and was trying to think about how to respond in a way that didn’t sound snarky. In a two minute gap he then messaged with something akin to ‘ooh, no comeback or laughs, oh dear’ in a bit of a passive aggressive way. I uncharacteristically snapped back (I am a pretty chilled out personality, but his behaviour had gradually built up) and said that I had just got in the car and that I didn’t appreciate the tone, and that I didn’t think anyone deserved a medal for acting appropriately when the other person had clearly drawn boundaries and had established friendship only. He said he was flirting but I said that he shouldn’t be flirting as I’d told him that I was happy to be friends, but nothing more.

The more I type it the more I can see that it’s totally fine for me to just drop this as a fledging friendship, because it isn’t just that for him, is it? I’m a reforming people pleaser and generally much better at defining boundaries, but I think he is a bit more insidious in his approach.

On the bright side, I had a first date with someone a couple of days ago and he was absolutely lovely. Seeing him again this week.

@WotchaHarry - Yes, drop him as it's obvious he wants more than friendship. Concentrate on your new date.

I don't think my rules apply re kids in bed at a sensible time to everyone. But I have come across many women in relationships with weekend dad's who let their kids run wild. And that would be a massive deal breaker for me. I have expectations of my kids behaviour and whilst I'm not into bossing others kids, I don't enjoy spending time with badly behaved kids or parents that choose not to do any parenting.

Maybe massively over thinking this.

Yes JT (avoiding poster name) People come here and voice fairly private thoughts and emotions, and discuss dates that have broken boundaries. I'd protect yourself with a pseudonym just in case. Please delete your posts and then come back.

The hacking stuff sounds like such a bullshit and immoral thing to do, I have to say. I mean loads of peoples gmail accounts have been compromised due to them using their passwords on less protected sites and somebody claiming to be a 'hacker' could possibly login and look.

However please don't pay anyone anything. I know you are feeling tortured by it but you are simply inviting someone else untrustworthy into your life by this route.

@bullyingadvice2017 Sure, no one enjoys that. Just saying to go cautiously and not leap to judgement e.g my son napped in the car yesterday and that made bedtime later than usual.

So my date last was lovely but quite boring...@JeSuisPrest it was a date at 20:00 hrs not 2000th lol!

Just getting ready for Hugh Jackman, he's sent travel plans through as we live on the same train line so it's all go...am really looking forward to it!

Any exciting dates happening this evening? Sorry haven't read the full thread through

@bullyingadvice2017 you are assuming he's like that. What age are his kids? You don't know he's a "bad dad" because he's a weekend dad and let's them stay up late.

The mother could let them stay up late, they might not be ill behaved children. I really wouldn't assume these things

JT do you want to give us some further information other than he looks at his phone?

I'm not assuming he's like that. I'm wary he could be like that.

I'm quite happy and settled with my lot, open to the idea of meeting someone new. A relationship would however have to positively enhance my life. I bring no drama and that's what I'd like from a partner.

@WotcherHarry Yes, drop the friendship. He's pushing the boundaries. It made me uncomfortable just reading it. Well done you for putting your needs first rather than worrying about hurting his feelings. He's a big boy, he'll get over it, like we all do when someone ends something with us.

@Jessicataylor I think if you're at the stage of trying to hack someone's phone you're on a hiding to nothing anyway as far as trust in the relationship is concerned.

@SimonJT Enjoy the party 🥳🥳

@bullyingadvice2017 Yes, you are massively overthinking... you've not had one date yet with him. Child could have been out of routine for any number of reasons- poorly, slept in late that morning, had a late nap etc. You won't be meeting said child for months anyway if things work out, so don't try and self sabotage too early on! 👍

simonjt I’m so jealous of your party! Now my DC are adults I realise just how special those afternoons were, even though they were so utterly exhausting. Those times don’t come back.

JT I echo what jesuis said: if you have so little trust and respect in your relationship that you are seriously considering a hack, I’m sorry but it’s already doomed.

@bullyingadvice2017 I agree with @JeSuisPrest I really wouldn't overthink it so much. Just enjoy the dating stage and getting to know someone on a personal level.

@WotcherHarry he’s trampling all over your boundaries. I’d drop him like a hot potato and then block him too.

@Jessicataylor do change your name for Mumsnet, and also think about posting in Relationships generally too for some honest advice.

@Sidge Are you still smooching with your young Mr Italian or has than fallen by the wayside?

@WotcherHarry I would drop him. I ignored the fact that my ex had a restraining order against him. He always had a way of saying it was the other persons fault but I think it's dangerous ground. The more into our relationship i fell, the harder it was to split but I think listen to those red flags now when you can.

@JeSuisPrest well it’s funny you should ask...!

So Mr Italian told me a few weeks back (after some lovely dates and a couple of nights of passion) he’d got a job in Europe, and is moving at the end of June. We agreed to make the most of the time until he left, then he cancelled me 2 weeks ago claiming to be sorting his flat out (on a Saturday night... 🙄) so I said look let’s switch it off. You’re busy, you’ve obviously got lots to do, and I don’t like dates being arranged and then cancelled, I’d rather just not make them in the first place. Bye, all the best, it’s been great fun (and it was!).

Anyway Thursday evening he pops up on WhatsApp saying cioa, how’s things, I’m thinking of you etc etc. He’s obviously horny lol. Asking if I want to get together before he goes. I’m really tempted 😁

@WotcherHarry drop him. Don't even bother. He sounds very unpleasant.

@Sunshineandflipflops enjoy your hols. I love a beach holiday.

Good luck @Ant330 Not a fun chat

@HairyArsedMan I'm fine, thanks for asking. Still not 100% better, still got fractured nose. Which is attractive. But I'm cycling again. I'm quiet as I'm perched on the smitten bench. I'm reading all the time but only pop on if I feel I have something to add. It's been 3 months now with Mr Unsuitable and we're definitely in a relationship. But its a finite one which is weird. I'm seeing him most days in between kids and we're doing a lot of day to day stuff. I think it's shown me I am actually ready for a proper relationship with someone suitable. Like @CassettesAreCool my cold cold heart may be melting! I'm very loved up but it's very safe as I have no expectations. But it does mean I'm ready for the full thing once it ends. Not that I want it to end! It's like waking up slowly to realising that actually I am lovable. I'm not all the things my STBXH says. And that I can be loving to someone without being rejected. Who knew?

@Sidge If it's just a bit of fun and you've got an itch that needs scratching why not?

Really proud of all the ladies that have grasped the nettle and forced an answer (even if it was in the form of silence) about things that weren't sitting comfortably with them in their relationships. I wonder why we are often so reluctant to raise issues - fear of rocking the boat/causing a scene/being thought of as a drama queen/too demanding/clingy/emotional?

I'm not sure men have these reservations though I'd be interested to hear what they think.

Just this really.

@JeSuisPrest why not indeed? And he is a good scratcher lol.

@JeSuisPrest so funny that I mentioned this on the previous post. It really baffles me that as women we are really worried about asking or saying anything, because of the reasons you list.
I say baffles me, yet I have done exact that. Worried to say anything or question something in case I'm seen as overreacting or wrong.
Then the last one being, knowing I'm right what I think or how I feel but won't say anything, as I've been worried I will push them away or lose them.

But the truth is, all the questions/concerns/gut feelings. Have been 100% right EVERY time and I wish I had just said at the time as it would have prevented so much heartache.

So moving forward I have decided that I will always raise my concerns/questions etc. I'd rather be thought of as a nutcase by a man that doesn't know me. Than to be hurt and left wondering why I didn't trust my gut.