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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I still feel really angry at DH - tell me how to let go

129 replies

JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff · 19/05/2019 22:14

I need some straight talking.

DH and I met in 2008, married 2012, 3 dc (4yo and two babies). From the outside I imagine we look rock solid. But I just feel really angry all the time and I am scared it's poisoning things between us.

DH has always been crap taking the initiative and being assertive. Sometimes it has caused issues but mostly it's okay, we balance each other out.

Last year when I was pg I went through a very bad time MH wise. Frankly I am lucky to be here. I asked DH to support me and he seriously let me down, not once but twice.

For ages I thought about it all the time. It's less now but still most days. I cannot get past it and every time he's pissing me off (and let's face it, with small dc there will always be tension sometimes) it comes swooshing back into my head and I just want to tell him it's over.

But that would be really stupid. I need to snap out of it. Any advice please?

OP posts:
madcatladyforever · 19/05/2019 22:17

Decide a time limit that you will allow this to go on. At the moment you have three young children. It really isn't a good time mentally or physically to make decisions about your relationship.
Concentrate on yourself and the children and see how you feel again one year from today.

CarolsBiggestFan · 19/05/2019 22:20

Without knowing what he did or didn’t do it’s difficult to understand the issue.

Have you spoken about it to him? Does he know he let you down, does he understand the impact that had, and has he said sorry or tried to explain and make it better?

Had you specifically told him what you needed from him in order for you to feel supported?

Onacleardayyoucansee · 19/05/2019 22:22

It may be that he is really not capable of giving what you need? Can you forgive him for that?

If he was capable and being selfish thats a bit different.

It sounds like you are getting help?
Can you explore this with a therapist?

JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff · 19/05/2019 22:36

Carol yes good point.

I have a very difficult time with medical appts following a past trauma. I had to see a quite high handed consultant at the end of my pg to make some decisions about delivery. The cons was hellbent on one plan, I wanted something else. DH was down to be my birthing partner so I asked him to attend the appt with me and support me whilst I argued my case with the dr. He was fully clear on what I wanted. He said it would be fine and he would support me. When we got in there, the cons started talking over me and railroading me and I directly verbally asked DH to back me up. He frowned, shook his head and made "shut up" gestures. That appt basically then determined how the birth went. I asked him during the birth (induction so totally planned) to please not leave me alone as I was really scared. I said if he didn't feel comfortable with this to say and I would hire a doula. He agaib said it was fine. On the day, he decided to only pay for one hour's parking so had to leave after the first hour, leaving me alone for about 30-40 mins whilst he went out, moved the car etc. During this time I had a panic attack on my own.

OP posts:
JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff · 19/05/2019 22:38

Onaclearday - no am not seeing a therapist. Money is tight and DH doesn't think it is a priority and tbh I can see his point, after nursery fees and shopping bills we are just breaking even and my job is a bit unstable at the moment.

OP posts:
EKGEMS · 19/05/2019 22:49

There is absolutely zero excuses for a spouse to only pay for one hour parking when he's got a wife having her labor induced. Period. If money was so damn tight hire a taxi or an Uber. No wonder you're traumatized! I swear as an RN i would have strong words with a birth partner with priorities so skewed. I'd tell him exactly what you told us and I think you guys need therapy if not couples then individual for you op. I had psychiatric consult while still recovering from all my trauma with my pregnancy and birth in hospital. Some things are too big to cope with alone

Onacleardayyoucansee · 19/05/2019 23:12

If you want to stay together its going to be a case of learning from experience.
Theres nothing you can do about him/his nature, but you can do something about how you do things from now on.
You and your child have survived, you are still together, and this coukd be about moving forward.
There is a self referral round here to talking therapies, IAPTS.
Do you have that or similar?

He sounds evasive and has been weak, that may well be the best he can do.
I mean, if he could have done something else, surely he would have?
Perhaps he was not in agreement in the first place and could not say.

You can either accept it, or not.
The inbetween place is causing you pain.

Do you love him?

Musti · 19/05/2019 23:29

The problem is that he's let you down twice when you have been very clear about what his role was and he agreed. So you have lost trust in him and I don't blame you. May be worth talking things through with him and finding out why he didn't keep his promises (maybe he was anxious etc).

JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff · 19/05/2019 23:31

Onaclearday I think I do love him yes. I just feel angry with his weakness bc I said to him several times beforehand "I know it is hard to stand up to professionals, if you can't that's okay but tell me in advance so I can go with someone else".

He may not have agreed but I think he did. Basically the dr wanted a highly medicalised birth and I only wanted to go medical if complications developed. DH had previously advocated for a home birth so fairly sure he was genuine in wanting to go "low-med". Yes we both survived but DS suffered some complications duw to how he was delivered - luckily seems no lasting damage but obviously didn't know that at first - and I nearly took my own life. I get really upset when I think about that now.

I feel he didn't have a right to "just be weak" when other people's lives were involved.

OP posts:
PoorRichard · 19/05/2019 23:38

I’m not surprised you’re angry. Have you talked to him about why he did these things? If you’re determined to stay with him, I think — whatever he thinks — that finding a good therapist with whom you can express your understandable anger is key.

wibbletooth · 19/05/2019 23:40

I think that you’re supposed to be able to get a debrief on how the birth went from those involved at the hospital - particularly if you are having physical or MH issues as a result of the birth.

I didn’t have one but lots of people on mnet have so hopefully somebody else can give more info.

I seem to remember contacting PALS and/or the chief midwife is a good place to start.

But it’s a free service and it sounds like it would help you so definitely worth investigating.

JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff · 20/05/2019 00:06

Hi wibble thnaks - yes my son's paediatrician organised a debrief as he was quite concerned at how the birth went. I think they are probably a good thing generally but this one was clearly a please-don't-make-a-complaint exercise.

Richard he just says "I fucked up, what else do you want me to say?" I guess he is right, what else can he say? But I just guess I feel like shouting that he does not have horrible nightmares all the time and intrysive thoughts and random rages, so it's one thing for him to draw a line under but I can't. It got easier when the twins (DS was the one affected but it was twins) turned 1 a few weeks since but I still find things set me off.

I just feel we are not a team. Basically he had rather put his wife through months of shit than have an argument with a dr, is how it feels. I start thinking, what would he do if something really bad happened? Is he actually a life partner who would help me out, or would he just crumble or hide?

OP posts:
Zebrasinpyjamas · 20/05/2019 00:22

This is a hard place for you to be in. What is his perspective on it all? Are you able to separate what is reasonable for him to predict/control and the consequences that were not?

For example, if he wanted you to stop and listen to the consultant as he/she was giving new information-that is different to not backing you up.

The trauma you must have gone through during delivery - is this really something your dh could have reasonably foreseen? The reason I ask is are you misplacing a (very understandable stress) as his failure when it is not and actually the fault of the hospital /or a very unlucky experience? I'm not trying to diminish your trauma here.

On the parking front - this does sound like a failure to understand the depth of your worry and what you needed. What is his perspective on it? I can imagine my dh thinking something along the lines of 'as long as I'm there most of the time... These things take ages' etc as he doesn't truly understand what it is to have severe anxiety or panic. I'm not sure you can unless you have felt it.
I agree with pp that you should try and get some counselling if possible to work through this.

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 20/05/2019 00:22

I am not surprised you're still angry. I'm angry on your behalf. I had twins ten years ago, mine was high risk and I was also induced. DH literally didn't leave my side until after the boys were born and the midwives and doctors basically told him it was ok to go. I slept through most of my induction so must have been boring as hell!

I totally get where you're coming from. When the chips are down, you don't feel you can rely on him to have your back. If he was a wet blanket but an absolutely stalwart when it came to your relationship you could forgive it.

I honestly think you need the counselling. It might ultimately make up your mind that you can't be with him anymore - but you had some significant trauma, your body is only just over it and he obviously feels his priorities should be things other than his relationship.

I really feel for you. Good luck with whatever you decide.

Jon65 · 20/05/2019 00:29

Some people, like me, have no problem at all in speaking to other professionals, having animated discussions, and holding their corner. Others, difficult to understand this may be, are like my partner and cannot argue eloquently and will do anything to avoid conflict. It isn't weakness, it's just that he thinks differently to me, he finds more indirect ways to do what needs doing, and he hates arguing, and I don't. So the way we get round it, is I don't ask him to back me or argue, and he doesn't tell me to be quiet or shut up. Perhaps your expectations need managing and you and your partner need to work through and find a way of complementing each other rather than conflicting. Counselling is very helpful in bringing about changing the way we see things. Is it possible to access any via your gp? We paid for it and it was the best thing we did, we wouldn't be together without it. The effect of a traumatic time giving birth is underestimated but i wonder whether you perhaps have some depression going on? From what you have said, the symptoms fit, so maybe speak to your gp too.

Apileofballyhoo · 20/05/2019 00:35

I think it's his failure to admit how he really feels is the problem, not you. You can't move on because you don't know what he actually really feels, and he's not telling. Does he think his fuck up, as he puts it, was major or minor or all turned out ok in the end so was not really that big a deal? Does he lie awake at night feeling guilty? Did he ever feel guilty? Does he feel responsible? Does he think you're unreasonable to be angry with him?

Does he just float along in life doing whatever? Why did you feel the need to double check he'd support you in the way you asked - has he got form for letting you down? Why did he agree but then not follow through? Does he often just agree to stuff for an easy life?

I'm sorry what happened to you, happened. I hope you'll be able to resolve your feelings and make peace with things, regardless of what happens with your DH.

dreichuplands · 20/05/2019 01:14

OP, I don't know if that's your DH's name? If so you might want it deleted?

Thingsdogetbetter · 20/05/2019 07:08

Can I say first, that only paying for 1 hour parking is either the most stupid thing I've ever heard or a panicked escape. Are you sure he didn't just freak out and use that as an excuse to run away and have a panic? Is it easier for him to say he fucked up, then he couldn't cope? Sure, you gave him an 'out' as a birthing partner, but would you ever have forgiven him? Maybe he thought he'd be okay and then realised he wasn't?

Secondly, although he agreed to back you up with the consultant, you don't mention that he actually agreed with you under the new circumstances. It is possible that he actually wanted to listen to all the facts and make up his own mind. You had decided on your birthing plan and were not going to allow the consultant to change your mind. Would you have accepted your dh did not agree with you? It seems his dislike of confrontation extends to you. Does he often back down when you set your mind to something? If he is nonconfrontational, are you an alpha personality? Do you expect him to just agree with you, but grow some balls to confront others by supporting you?

JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff · 20/05/2019 09:52

Thank you so much to everyone who responded, I have read them all and am thinking. I guess my initial reaction is yeah, he was clearly out of his comfort zone, and you know what, me fucking too, seeing as I was terrified and pushing 2 babies out of my fanny!

Sorry, swearing not directed at any PP!

I found it so so hard but I dealt by doing daily hypnobirthing to conquer my fear of hospital. I made myself go through a hospital birth even though I just wanted to run away. I found it distressing and violating but I did it.

So why the fuck did he get a free pass to stick his head in the sand?

And if he wanted one, why didn't he just fucking say so and let me get some support? That pisses me off , he actively blocked me getting a doula or another birth partner but then he wasn't willing to do the BP job himself.

As for would I have forgiven him if he wasn't there, well in the end he wasn't as he went home overnight and inly arrived back after I'd birthed DS and was pushing DD2 out.

OP posts:
InParadisum · 20/05/2019 10:48

Hi, OP, I've namechanged for your thread. I really feel for you, as my partner is similar. He lacks initiative and assertiveness, and will go to some lengths to avoid confrontation. This has led to all sorts of conflict in our relationship (ironically), as I learned early on that if anything difficult had to be dealt with it was going to have to be me who did it. Not just that, which is bad enough, but because he avoids confrontation, everyone thinks he's Mr Nice Guy (and I'm the difficult old cow by contrast), which means that no one has ever understood my frustrations with him. I feel that he's not prepared to piss off anyone except me - which is all the wrong way round really. It has been really bad for my mental health, because whereas he sails along avoiding anything unpleasant, I get to do all the fretting and managing of difficult situations, and put up with all the stress. Basically he contracts out not only his difficult tasks to me, but also his difficult feelings, which takes its toll. He didn't specifically let me down in the context of our DCs' births, but I did have a difficult birth with one of them, so I do also understand the fallout from that kind of experience, and how hard it is to process, when as a culture there is so much emphasis on 'you had a live birth and that's all that matters'. It's hard to argue with that, but it doesn't in itself take away the sense of trauma, and the loss of the experience (and therefore child) you expected, and it's hard to explain that without sounding loopy or as though you have your priorities all wrong.

I have given up expecting my partner to take responsibility for certain kinds of work within the relationship. While our children have been small, I've assumed responsibility for things I know he won't, and focused on the qualities he does bring to the table - for instance, he is very caring and hardworking, and we have similar values and views about life. However, what I do think is that these things don't really go away. I think unassertiveness and lack of initiative has its origins in someone's relationship with their parents and family of origin, and is about fear of the consequences if a person diverges from the dominant worldview of the parent - either not being allowed to diverge (and resenting that), or fearing not being allowed back into the fold if one diverges (and so fear of rejection). I think that that leaves a person with a lot of unresolved issues that play out in subtle ways in their closest relationships. So in a way, I think that lack of assertiveness is the tip of an iceberg that has the power to totally fuck up relationships in all kinds of unforeseen ways. I could give you some examples from my own life, but they wouldn't necessarily be pertinent to you and your marriage. Suffice to say there's a lot of anger and resentment, much of which is misdirected, and I often feel like I've been cast in the role of parent.

My advice is not to assume that this will go away or fix itself, or doesn't matter in the scheme of things. I think you should have counselling to get over the trauma of a bad birth experience, and this will probably help you cope with the ways in which your DH has let you down on this occasion, but it won't change the unhealthy interpersonal dynamics he's bringing to your relationship. I actually think he could do with some long-term psychotherapy to get to the root of the problem, but if he refuses or it can't be afforded, that doesn't stop you reading around the subject, talking it through with him and trying to understand why he is the way he is. My partner and I are probably heading for the rocks now that the kids are older, as the amount of water under the bridge means that even if he did address his baggage now, he's killed a lot of the feelings between us in a way that can't be undone. So maybe don't be me if you don't have to. Flowers

upinatree123 · 20/05/2019 10:50

It sounds like a horribly traumatic time and he let you down repeatedly throughout it. Perhaps he doesn't see it that way but that is how it feels to you, and unsurprisingly you have lots of grief, anger and hurt at both the experience in general and him in particular.
I think you should absolutely prioritise yourself and get some counselling. Spend the money you could of spent on a doula!
If you can process the run up to and birth itself you may feel able to let go of the anger. It might also give you the forum to decide long term what you want to do. Perhaps he is a guy who runs away from problems and difficult situations, that might not change, can you be happy with that long term? It's really your difficult decision to make if he is a good guy in every way except when the chips are down, could you cope with that? You need time and space and someone who can guide you through this trauma.

HypatiaCade · 20/05/2019 10:56

You know I don't think I could forgive this either. He let you down when you needed him the most. Instead of grovelling and doing everything he can to make it up to you, he's effectively shrugging his shoulders and saying "What am I supposed to do about it now?" NOW he should be doing everything to make sure you get the help and support you need, counselling is vital. But I'll bet he knows that counselling will make you stronger, and more likely to kick his arse to the kerb.

FizzyGreenWater · 20/05/2019 12:17

I couldn't forgive all that.

Do you know why? Because more than one 'mistake' at this level and they aren't mistakes. They're who he is - unpleasantly weak and selfish, always with himself at the forefront of his mind, knowing that when the shit hits the fan he'll be running like the wind, even if five minutes before he'd been promising you on my kids life that he'd never leave you/let you down. Ugh.

This is the kind of man who knows full well he will throw you under the bus if it's ever a case of you or him, and he's too cowardly even to be upfront about it. Weasel.

All of these situations - he could have been honest with you and let you get support elsewhere, but he deceived you. And then let you down.

Fine to forgive. Fine to feel sorry for him. But if I had the tiniest sense of self-preservation, I'd be ditching a man like this as my life partner. I wouldn't want to hang around for the next massive let down.

And the anger. It's justified. Utterly justified, you must feel like smacking his cowardly little face every time you think about your birth. So how do you just 'not feel' that? How do you switch it off? Only by lying to yourself. Or, I suppose, trying to 'therapise' yourself out of a very natural, protective reaction, which is to remove yourself from allowing this person to cause you any more trauma.

FizzyGreenWater · 20/05/2019 12:21

Oh and yes the lack of remorse. This is what people like this do, though. Ultimately, they have absolutely no backbone and spend their lives feeling sorry for themselves, so the natural reaction to being pulled up on inexcusable behaviour? Whining about themselves and how upset they are.

I don't know what the right thing for you to do is, OP. But I would urge you NOT to mess your head up further by convincing yourself that this is your issue, that you shouldn't feel like this, that you have to fix YOURSELF.

You are in the right.
Your anger is justified.
I would feel the same - sitting here, in cold light of day, making a rational assessment. I would feel the same way as you and my feelings about my H, were he to act like that, would permanently change.

pennycarbonara · 20/05/2019 12:45

Not a mum but as someone with medical problems and who has had partners who can be a bit passive and conformist in the immediate face of authority I can understand some of this.

Might it be the case that in other aspects of life you've found it easier and more comfortable that he is like this? I have realised that for me it's a sort of trade off, and that people who are both assertive about this sort of thing and who wouldn't be very opinionated about a lot of other things in life and leave me to make the decisions and running are few and far between. Don't expect him to deal with this sort of stuff again. It's extremely annoying he didn't say or realise he couldn't. But now you know for future reference.

I can see how continuing to be around the person this sort of thing has happened with is very stressful and why you feel like pushing him away. It sounds like you need some trauma therapy for yourself quite apart from anything else. Look into EMDR - it is briefer than a lot of other therapies and a lot of people on here have found it very useful. If you were considering stretching to a doula it is worthwhile trying to do something about your birth trauma.

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