I still feel really angry at DH - tell me how to let go

[JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff]

I need some straight talking.

DH and I met in 2008, married 2012, 3 dc (4yo and two babies). From the outside I imagine we look rock solid. But I just feel really angry all the time and I am scared it's poisoning things between us.

DH has always been crap taking the initiative and being assertive. Sometimes it has caused issues but mostly it's okay, we balance each other out.

Last year when I was pg I went through a very bad time MH wise. Frankly I am lucky to be here. I asked DH to support me and he seriously let me down, not once but twice.

For ages I thought about it all the time. It's less now but still most days. I cannot get past it and every time he's pissing me off (and let's face it, with small dc there will always be tension sometimes) it comes swooshing back into my head and I just want to tell him it's over.

But that would be really stupid. I need to snap out of it. Any advice please?

i'm not surprised they are not happy you can't miss work for nits this is making too big a deal of a little thing, I think maybe you tend to do this; make a tiny thing like a muttered swear word and something that maybe nits but may not be, into a much bigger issue than it really is, the problem with this is when there is a really big issue it just looks like johnny going off at the deep end again as there is little difference externally in the responses everything is a red line so your big issues get ignored because of your response to small issues

also though I wouldn't have sworn it was more he was swearing under his breath rather than at baby, what about if DH went off at the deep end about you not stopping DT1 falling off bed ( to me this is a thing that happens to most parents) but I guess if DH had let DT1 fall off bed you may blame him again and say it's a red line allowing your child to fall

you have had a tough time and he let you down but you can't blame him for things he could not reasonably have foreseen

I've got absolutely no advise but just want to tell you I completely understand everything you are feeling.

I went through 5 consultants during my last pregnancy, 3 didn't agree with my birth plan 2 did. When I asked quite reasonable questions around their studies and data (which I had studied well) they couldn't really shift much from their mantra. I wasn't there to argue, i was asking them why my plan wouldn't work for ME. My husband was absolutely cacking himself, but he backed me up questioning things. If the consultants would have said, 'right Cheese, in your case I believe this is how we should go about it and here's why, this is why your plan won't work', great, but that isn't what you get is it?

Unfortunately there are FAR too many people who just do not research, do not take their own health and well being as their own responsibility and so do not question the medics. Questions and discussions are fine. (I got the birth I wanted as paraphrasing policy doesn't explain anything to me.)

With the 'Fuck' muttering. I would have reacted like you too. My childhood was full of fighting and arguing and started like this, little mutterings and banging things. I don't know if we do right, but nobody is swearing or being angry around my children.

Much love to you, if I could picture where you are now, you and you children are Scotland and your husband is one of the Scottish Islands, close by but not on the mainland with you. I'm really not sure what you do, but know your feelings are valid. I wish you all the luck in the world.

Nitty Gritty nit combs are the best, I am a master at getting rid of nits. Wash every night, condition and comb, don't waste your money on anything else. Use the comb everytime you wash their hair, nits or not.

@Teacup, my children aren't allowed in school with nits until they have been treated, they wouldn't be allowed back in until the next day. I'd have to have the day off too, the nurseries are the same here, saves the nits spreading.

You don’t need a day off work for nits! Get a big bottle of conditioner and a bit comb and spend one hour combing through his hair. You should get all the bits and all the eggs doing that. Then shower him off and he’s good to go.

Reading responses but not sure whar I can do re nits! Nursery will not take him and I am not sure what else I am meant to do with him. Mil is very kindly coming over after lunch so I can do the rest of the day.

I don't go off the deep end in general. I am actually pretty calm and steady mostly - I am often told "I don't know how you do it" or "you look like you have your shit together". This is mostly stuff happening in my head tbh. It never ever comes out at work and at work I am normally there 110%. Just today DH had already left, MIL can't come over right away, and nursery won't take him!

Buy some conditioner, get a nitty gritty, and treat - slather the hair with conditioner and comb through with the nitty gritty comb. Job done, child off to nursery, you're off to work.

Repeat in a few days, and then again after a week.

*nit comb.

Right. So nursery will not take him . That is not me being difficult! They have an exclusion policy. They want him treated with a pharmacy bought treatment anf he can come back after he had been treated.

This morning I noticed the nits just before 8am, bundled DDs into car and took them to nursery, confirmed nursery policy re DS, contacted MIL to organise her to come over (she can but only after lunch), rang line manager at 8.20, got DS to pharmacy for 8.30, bought Hedrin, took him home, gave him breakfast and treated him by 9.30.

Genuinely not sure what anyone could do other than that.

Nursery will accept him back tomorrow when he is deemed to have "completed the treatment" - it's one you leave on for 8-10h then wash off.

OP it seems so much of your resentment towards your husband stems from the birth of your twins. This is what you'll need to work through with him. Has he ever given a clear explanation? Reading through your description of the day, he seems to have been in quite a distressed state himself. Nothing to compare to yours of course. Completely deferring to authority to the extent of hushing you up? That sounds like someone in a panicked state. Leaving you alone to go and move the car? Irrational thinking as a result of extreme stress maybe. Although he still shouldn't have done it.

"When we got in there, the cons started talking over me and railroading me and I directly verbally asked DH to back me up. He frowned, shook his head and made "shut up" gestures."

Was there a risk to your and the babies? Was it stressful? Your husband might have panicked, shut down a bit, and just automatically deferred to authority, unfortunately going as far as to hush you up in a deeply mistaken attempt to restore calm.

That appt basically then determined how the birth went. I asked him during the birth (induction so totally planned) to please not leave me alone as I was really scared. I said if he didn't feel comfortable with this to say and I would hire a doula. He agaib said it was fine. On the day, he decided to only pay for one hour's parking so had to leave after the first hour, leaving me alone for about 30-40 mins whilst he went out, moved the car etc. During this time I had a panic attack on my own.

Sorry I accidentally posted some text the original post. Disregard everything after the first paragraph.

Have you actually arranged therapy yet??

Just a small thing, don’t hospital car parks tend to be pay on return? You get a little ticket on the way in, then put it in the machine when you return and it tells you how much you need to pay? Maybe not all are but I’ve been to a fair few hospitals and they’ve all been like that. It does make sense, because if your waiting in a&e, or for an apt, or for your partner to give birth even then the wait time can be unpredictable.

OP your DH sounds like the avoidant type. I very much doubt that will ever change and it would take significant therapy and commitment from him to even try. Question is what do you want to do? I’m afraid this decision is on you, to make it, to carry it out and to live with the consequences. Avoidant people are just that, so you can’t expect any help from them.

Good luck.

I really feel for you OP. You have been through so much and are understandably angry, emotionally drained and in need of help/support to get through all this.

Something that struck me was that your H seems to think that your marriage is not in trouble ergo counselling is not needed. You need to tell him that it IS in trouble. You resent him for decisions he made over a year ago. You feel he is not there for you.

With the swearing at night - I would have left it till morning/another time to talk about. 3am or whatever is not a good time! Sometimes it is best to leave it. I personally don't think that it was an issue but if you feel strongly then discuss it at a time you are both feeling relatively ok and not stressed in the middle of the night with no sleep.

I think many of his actions as you have described them are fucking awful tbh. No wonder you feel the way you do. He needs to take responsibility and understand that saying "I fucked up" isn't enough. He obviously can't change the past but what he can do is work to move forward together.

DS asleep so reading back at leisure.

Rivoli no I have not arranged therapy yet. I am currently working 55-60h a week with 3 dc under 5, major diy project on at home, having treatment for a longstanding kidney complaint and DD1 is being assessed privately for ASD. I really will do it but I need to locate a therapist and wait till DD1 autism assessment is done as we don't have the money to pay for both at once.

Scott no probs. There was no direct risk to the babies at the time, no. They were inducing "just in case" as one was measuring up small. They did not anticipate specific problems, in fact the cons started by saying she thought I would be "textbook" as I have previously given birth v fast and easily. However they have a policy of all multiple mums having epidural on arrival, cfm with clip on baby head, large team of people in room on standby etc.

I saying I thought this might cause real MH repercussions and could we compromise on, I agreed to these measures at first sign of trouble but had a go labouring on my own with the team outside door, not in room?

No, because policy.

Cheese that is exactly it! I wouldn't have minded if she engaged with my issues but explained why they couldn't help. But she just stonewalled. It was like she "didn't believe in" mh issues?

I am taking on the comments about swearing. Really interested to see that many think it is okay. For me it really doesn't sit right as it sounds very aggressive but I accept I may be out on this one.

in the UK according to government health advice there should be no exclusion for nits at either schools or nurseries

Teacup I would imagine that advice means you can't exclude a child long term. The nursery said for a day till he has had Hedrin on. Tbh I think they are right, after all, I wouldn't want an untreated child playing with mine!

I quite like your nursery's policy and bear in mind that it could be the main reason you are not having to Hedrin them every bloody week

The real issue at heart here is that you despise him, isn't it? And for really some quite good reasons. For there to be love, there needs to be respect too. That's the problem, it sounds like a problem that won't go away either.

So here for example, folk are pointing out the other things he did, that he was tired and stressed and it's understandable, but to you, as soon as you heard that you just feel a spurt of anger and hatred and think 'Typical - that's exactly what he would do. He's just got to be the type to show that he's angry/not coping/stressed even if it means displaying inappropriate behaviour to his tiny babies'.

And you have a point. It's how you feel because he's shown you in spades that he is at heart weak and doesn't have your back, and all bets tend to be off after that.

I don't know what you can do to fix it, certainly nothing HE can do now will fix it.

(Just for the record though I am with you on the swearing - it's the feeling behind it, I hate that as a way of coping with baby stress and I DO think they absolutely pick up on it. I've seen a parent swearing and cursing at a tiny wriggly baby they were trying to change, all said with a smile etc but it made me feel quite chilled, it's just horrible that someone interacting with their baby, even if stressed out, would want to think of using language like that - it's just ick, and it feels like quite a nasty supressed rage thing.)

Mmmm I don't despise him, no and I do love him. I do think I hyper react to him though. Inside, at least. I suspect I am often BU over small things, hence this thread in fact. So tend to bottle up my reactions as not sure if they are legit or just the product of old resentment iyswim.

We cannot afford DD1 asd assessment plus private therapy together but I have a list of a couple of clin psys who do birth trauma stuff locally. I will try one of them. I may also ask DD1 therapist as she is a consultant at local hospital too and may know some of these people and be able to recommend.

Oh OP I am also angry at your DH on your behalf. I struggled with receiving care during pregnancy (would cry at my midwife appointments, was very distressed at hospital appointments, would cry when discussing antenatal care with DH). But my DH listened to me and backed my corner and that made SUCH a difference. We regularly discussed how I was feeling about things, how we felt about risks etc so that when we were facing health care professionals we were on the same page.

I think it's particularly shit that your DH didn't give you the opportunity to find other sources of support. I can see why you can't let this go.

@JOHNNY that advice is the same sheet that is for 48 hours after D&V 5 days after chickenpox scabs crusted over and various other time scales for different things there are several things for which zero days is the case, if this is a state nursery or a nursery where you can use your government paid hours they have refused unreasonably and against NHS policy; if it is completely private without government funding then I guess they can do that
you could never permanently exclude a child for any medical reason
so no the nursery absolutely should not be refusing to take child with nits any more than they should for a child with a cold sore or an ordinary cough ( not flu) so they are wrong even for 1 day, so I can see why your work are annoyed as it is not justified and the staff probably know you are not supposed to remove children for that reason, treating him later today would have been fine
PS you said you were not sure they were nits, it is not recommended to use treatment like hedrin unless actual nits, it is not a preventive treatment

A few people now on this thread have said, he's human, and he's messed up, others have really vilified him. What were you hoping for?

You say you love him - but what do you love about him, and can you start trying to focus on that again? Can you try to reconnect?

Life is obviously really, really tough for you right now, but the thing is, you do seem to be focusing your anger on him rather than (say) the things that led to you feeling vulnerable in the first place.

I imagine you're not as good at hiding these feelings as you think you are - it will all add up when you then say something you think is fair (like "don't swear at the baby"), because then it's an extra insult on top of simmering anger. It will make him more defensive and less likely to want to talk as that's just going to be him under attack in his view.

You started this thread asking how to let go of the anger ... do you feel like you have any ways of doing that at all now? Or do you secretly want him to suffer and grovel? It makes a difference.

Teacup it is a private nursery but accepts funded hours. Tbh not going to start arguing the toss with nursery manager on front step of nursery at 8.15am with my other children watching. I have a generally good relationship w/ nursery, I understand their policy, I signed up to it and altho' I appreciate I come across different on this thread, I really am 'pick your battles' type of person. DS had a head injury and nits, he is 16 mos, I'm his mum and I took 4h off till MIL could get here. Work get me for about 18h a day on email, so, meh.

Lorit that is a really insightful post. Thank you. No I do not want him to grovel. No......

You know what I want? I want a hug. I want him to reach out and say "look, it's messed up that you have your childhood history and that dr wouldn't take account of it. I don't know about the medical technicalities but I could see you were terrorised after that appt and hugely distressed. You shouldn't have had to feel that way. What can we do to move forward now as a couple? I love you and I want you to be happy.,"

See I don't want him even to say sorry. I just want some acknowledgement that giving birth to twins alone whilst having flashbacks of rape is fucking shit less than ideal and the person who went thru that might now have some messed up feelings that they need help with.

Is that reasonable???! I don't know anymore.