I still feel really angry at DH - tell me how to let go

[JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff]

I need some straight talking.

DH and I met in 2008, married 2012, 3 dc (4yo and two babies). From the outside I imagine we look rock solid. But I just feel really angry all the time and I am scared it's poisoning things between us.

DH has always been crap taking the initiative and being assertive. Sometimes it has caused issues but mostly it's okay, we balance each other out.

Last year when I was pg I went through a very bad time MH wise. Frankly I am lucky to be here. I asked DH to support me and he seriously let me down, not once but twice.

For ages I thought about it all the time. It's less now but still most days. I cannot get past it and every time he's pissing me off (and let's face it, with small dc there will always be tension sometimes) it comes swooshing back into my head and I just want to tell him it's over.

But that would be really stupid. I need to snap out of it. Any advice please?

I just think you should absolutely prioritise therapy over other things like DIY projects and even work. It's your mental health and if it's in a bad condition you've got nothing else, and it will affect every other aspect of your life. Therapy is free if you get a referral which it definitely sounds like you would. Alternatively there are loads of low-cost / free options if for some unlikely reason you didn't get a referral.

If you had a broken leg you wouldn't think twice about taking an hour off work to access treatment. If you had a broken leg you wouldn't say 'I'll wait until after my child's assessment / till the DIY is done / till things have calmed down before I deal with it'.

I feel like the truth is you are more comfortable in this place you're in, holding onto your anger and your past traumas rather than facing up to some tough self exploration and honest conversations.

(And I speak as someone with experience of trauma so this is non-judgemental).

I don't think it's unreasonable to want understanding in a relationship, and I'm sorry if I suggested that it was - I just think from the sounds of the dynamics you're both in, it's not likely to magically happen. Especially when you're both exhausted constantly from looking after three tiny children.

My inner-feminist says you shouldn't ever have to play to male egos. But once one person has been consistently angry at another, sometimes they need to try and calm down and communicate another way.

If you really can't afford the time for therapy where you might both be able to communicate better in the next few weeks, can you practice some anger management techniques in the meantime? (For your sake as much as his.)

@johnny I agree it is not worth fighting nursery over but it kind of annoys me that they have put you in a difficult position regarding work over a policy that doesn't follow NHS guidelines and uses "contract" terms to make things worse than they need be for you.

apart from everything else you simply just have too much on your plate, you have 3 kids a house project a workplace that is placing unreasonable demands on you etc etc I am not surprised you sometimes overwhelmed and therefore over react and find it harder to separate minor setbacks from major traumas in daily life and therefore snap at people
I think as others have said you need therapy to deal with the awful past traumas none of which were DH's fault even if he failed to help back you up to deal with the results of them, the justified anger you feel over the rape is unfortunately being directed at DH who you mostly love; as you can't make the perpetrator feel the anger of the distress and panic he has left you with

you do need to discuss this with him you may also need to down size life so you have breathing space but just now be kind to yourself

your DH may also need counselling to deal with how he feels about his emotional or lack of responses to your trauma he may just be defensive as he is thinking I didn't cause this but am getting all the rap for the fallout

Have you had counselling/therapy in regard to being raped? So sorry that you went through that and of course it comes to the surface in situations when you feel powerless or out of control of your body and what happens to it.

From what you've said, it sounds like you're experiencing post traumatic stress, both from your history of being raped and the birth of your twins. In addition to everything else you've got going on in your life, which is utterly shit loads and enough to floor anyone.

I had a similar but different experience re pregnancy/childbirth. I was in a terrible state of grief, anxiety, depression and PTSD I realise now and the thing that upset and enraged me the most is that no-one else understood. Yes, I went on to have other healthy babies, but that didn't rub out what had happened. I was desperate for someone to acknowledge that. Not to try to make it seem not so bad, but to acknowledge that it was utterly shit and that how I felt about it was perfectly valid.

It took me a long time to access therapy and it took years or therapy go start to feel wholly better, but I do now. In all honesty, the best thing about it was that I could pay someone to do what I needed my husband, family and friends to do, which was to just listen and acknowledge my experience and feelings.

Take care and look after yourself. You're absolutely right to be angry that the consultant didn't take your mental health needs as seriously as she should have done. It's a real problem in maternity care, and one that causes huge damage to women.