I still feel really angry at DH - tell me how to let go

[JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff]

I need some straight talking.

DH and I met in 2008, married 2012, 3 dc (4yo and two babies). From the outside I imagine we look rock solid. But I just feel really angry all the time and I am scared it's poisoning things between us.

DH has always been crap taking the initiative and being assertive. Sometimes it has caused issues but mostly it's okay, we balance each other out.

Last year when I was pg I went through a very bad time MH wise. Frankly I am lucky to be here. I asked DH to support me and he seriously let me down, not once but twice.

For ages I thought about it all the time. It's less now but still most days. I cannot get past it and every time he's pissing me off (and let's face it, with small dc there will always be tension sometimes) it comes swooshing back into my head and I just want to tell him it's over.

But that would be really stupid. I need to snap out of it. Any advice please?

MoodLighting v interesting and I suspect I am also setting up false causal relations.

OP you have my very great sympathy. I have a DH like yours and a similar story around lack of support at the birth of one of my dc. It was only a few years ago that I realised that this was symptomatic of a wider lack of respect for me and my decisions and choices. At the moment I'm still with him but the love has gone and I know that long term our marriage will not survive in its current form. I like one of the earliest pp's suggestions... put a timescale on when you feel you should be 'over' it .... or when you can get your head round thinking about what to do about it. That enables you to forget about it for the most part in the interim.

Time does make it better. Give him a chance to show you how committed he is. But yes, I think you need to hear from him clearly that he appreciates how much he hurt you and in future similar circumstances he will tell you if he is unsure he will be able to do something. If this is what you need from him, make it clear - perhaps explaining it to a mediator (eg a counsellor) may help.

Wrt births - You are feeling the terrible effects of one course of action. It is difficult to imagine how you might feel in other courses (eg if you had a home birth, something went wrong or the ambulance was called or a&e who might have made you panic more). Hospital policy is borne out of multiple hospital incidents and while it should not be totally rigid, there may be other possibilities that you haven’t considered (eg might it be easier to perform an emergency c section on someone with an epidural?). Is is NOT your job to know these and ideally all options should have been explored and explained. Do they have a limit on the number of people who can come into a consultation? Perhaps someone else could have come as well or be waiting outside in case you needed back up? Only easy to see in hindsight but we all make mistakes and don’t consider all possibilities.

I think that everyone needs to put their amateur psychology books and just stop dwelling on things and if you really can't move on and enjoy you 3 lovely children and a husband who loves you - then go get some therapy.

You really can't turn back time - and being the butt of the demands to do just that.. is a hiding to nothing.

MN of course will advise you to LTB because that's just so easy .. You already struggle with MH , think very carefully before you listen to those suggesting life as a single mother to 3 under 5s would make you happier.

You sound very very demanding and quite hard work. Wether that is to do with your recent experience or is just your natural personality type but MH does not negate responsibility to be reasonable.

I had someone let me down so badly during a miscarriage. I thought I would never forgive them.
I went to some counselling and the person kindly came with me to a few sessions, they explained why they did what they did. They were upset and afraid too at the time and just couldn't cope.

we worked it out and I understood and I forgave them.

But I also learned to never ask them for help in an emergency. They can't help so I need to go elsewhere. That's ok.

I had to pay for counselling, I understanding is expensive buy it's cheaper than a divorce for you.

All of these little annoying things are building up like popcorn in a pot, and you will explode and the lid will come off the pot. You have to get rid of some of this hurt or your marriage will definitely be in trouble.

I can totally understand why you are so upset. I just wanted to wish you well.

Even if you had the perfect labour and birth he was being a shit. Who on Earth leaves their wife to go and sort out the parking? Most men would have just left it and dealt with any sort of fine later as their wife is more important. Adding to that that he whinged and went home for a sleep, knowing that his wife was beside herself with anxiety. He was totally pathetic.

The consultant also deserves a complaint, a live birth is not the only goal, no matter what some people may think.

“I asked him during the birth (induction so totally planned) to please not leave me alone as I was really scared. I said if he didn't feel comfortable with this to say and I would hire a doula.”

“I said to him several times beforehand "I know it is hard to stand up to professionals, if you can't that's okay but tell me in advance so I can go with someone else".”

From those two statements, it appears that you ask your husband for support in such a way that you also provide an “out” for him at the same time. It’s very contradictory. You don’t want to be left alone; BUT if he didn’t feel comfortable with this to say. You wanted him to stand up to the consultant; BUT told him if he can’t to tell you. You’re giving mixed directions, in a way. When you NEED something - particularly support - from your husband, why are you then making an allowance for him not to deliver what you need? You’re telling him in a way that what you need is negotiable and it shouldn’t be in those instances. Be firm in your requests. Tell him exactly what you need and what you expect. Then there are no misunderstandings and should he bugger off or do the opposite, you know you set the expectations and are able to say “you let me down here because I told you exactly what I needed and you CHOSE to do the opposite.”

Additionally, PTSD is horrific and will destroy you and your relationships if you don’t get the correct support and treatment. You’re extremely angry for a multitude of reasons and because of that his very being is angering you. That part is not his responsibility, he is of course responsible for letting you down, but he is not responsible for every little thing you’re now angry at him for as you’re (likely even subconsciously) looking for something to be angry about. I have PTSD too, I had EMDR therapy and while it hasn’t fixed me, it has helped me enormously and I’ve made great progress in managing the effect it has on my life. You seem to have trauma upon trauma upon trauma, I’m so sorry for all that you’ve been through. You can get beyond this, though.

Am just resurrecting this because DH and I have had another argument and I am feeling really angry again.

He had been at home all day with 3 dc - v tough gig.

I was at work 9am-9.30pm. Came home and he had cooked dinner, which was lovely- we both did some chores and headed up to bed around 11.30.

Dt1 is teething and had been unsettled. As we were getting into bed, he cried out. DH went to him and tried to settle him but couldn't. I could hear him hiss "fuck" in frustration whilst holding DT1. I didn't think this was okay so asked if he needed a hand - no he didn't - so waited till the baby was back in his own bed then said next time could he call me to come take over before he got to that point. I said I knew it had been a.tough day but felt uneasy about him swearing in front of the baby like that.

I think that was a reasonable response??! Fairly mild I thought. He was swearing in frustration at our baby!

Apparently IABU as "it was involuntary" and "there is nothing to discuss".

Am now downstairs on my own as cannot get to sleep in bed with him. I had an emotionally abusive childhood. I don't want our children going through that or seeing us fight.

Am I being so awful? Is it really so bad to ask him not to swear in front of our baby?

I keep posting as upset and exhausted. Have meetings back to back from 9.30-5 tomorrow with no lunch break and need sleep but also feel too pissed off to go back up there.

Am I just not managing my own emotions properly?

I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
You weren’t awful, I would have done the same thing.
I hope that the therapy will help you to figure all of this out

I don't think him swearing softly to himself in front of the baby is going to do any harm. I wouldn't say anything. That's just my opinion though.

3luckystars and hawkingemma above have some good advice. Probably he was trying to do his best, but he was stressed and panicking himself, trying to satisfy everyone (you and hc professionals), and behaving somewhat erratically (like with the parking, I'd like to know what was going on there).

Do you find yourself fantasizing about leaving him though? Is that worth considering?

I see though you already did talk to him about swearing in front of the baby. I'm sure though its something he wouldn't do if the baby was older and could understand. "Nothing to discuss". That seems a bit harsh. Hard to say without knowing the full context though.

To a point you have to accept people for who they are. My DH is a bit like yours: absolutely no initiative. I nearly died in childbirth and was in ICU. He didn’t come and visit me because the nurse said he could “only visit in visiting time”, but at that time he was picking DS up from school. So I didn’t see him (or my newborn DD) for 2 days.

At one point I overheard the doctors saying that my organs were failing and I genuinely feared I would die without seeing DH or DC again.

It still makes me angry, but that’s just him. Although the upside of having a DH with no initiative is that they tend to be quite loyal and less likely to cheat.

To a point you have to accept people for who they are.

You've been through an horrendous experience, OP, and I agree that counselling to help you heal would be a good way forward.

I also think that you need to accept that your DH is a fallible human being who has strengths in some areas (as you recognise) and weaknesses in others. You've explained your feelings to him and now you can only hope that he learns from his mistakes. Or, he might always be rubbish advocating for you in front of medical professionals and be generally hopeless in an emergency situation.

I've had to accept that my DH is hopeless with grief or emotional upset ,e.g. when my DM died. He doesn't know what to say/do and sits there dumbly instead of offering comfort. In fact, his whole family's crap if people are upset so I know where he's got it from!

Now, if I need emotional support, I turn to a close friend instead. If you're ever discussing a medical situation with a consultant again, and need back-up, you may want to choose someone else to support you.

For your own sake, you need to let go of this anger, that's why I think counselling is your best option right now.

No, him exhaustedly swearing in frustration at a baby who can't understand something (after a long day with three children) is not giving your children an abusive childhood.

You're punishing him for something your parents did.

Are you in therapy yet?

Hi, thanks for responses.

Not in therapy yet, no. That will take time to arrange.

Interesting some people don't find the swearing unacceptable. Dh argumenr wad also that the baby doesn't understand. I have thought about it, and disagree, I think. Babies can still pick up on angry frustration and also my 4yo doesn't know the word fuck but I still wouldn't swear at her.

I don't think he

*I don't think he is being abusive obviously, more just that for me swearing at a 16mo because they are teething and won't settle is a red line. And we don't seem able to discuss that effectively which I think we ought to be able to.

Reminds me of a film I watched - family are skiing 2 primary aged kids. There’s a real threat of avalanche and in the moment of danger the dad grabs his expensive ski gloves and rushes off to safety leaving wife and kids. It’s a false alarm all is fine but the film then deals with the emotional fall out in the family of the dads crap behaviour. Scandinavian film but reading your original post about the birth put me in mind of it

@MsTSwift That sounds like an intriguing movie. Can you remember what it’s called?

He wasn't swearing at the child, he was just venting frustration. Some frustration is inevitable after looking after young children all day. You would get frustrated to. I'm sure he didn't mean to, and if your child was older he would have stopped himself and expressed it some other way. Perhaps he, like other posters here, just doesn't think this a big deal and discussing it further is only going to make him and you more frustrated.

Hi op. I understand.

I didn't have a traumatic birth but I did develop pnd afterwards and my dh was absolutely not there for me at all. He would stay at work late, come home, walk through the house where I would be sat with a newborn, crying, and he would say hello and go to the shed for the rest of the night. He would also refuse to go up to bed early with dd (she couldn't cope past a certain time with being beside his massive fucking bright tv he refused to turn off) because 'he needed to relax'. I was alone all day, I was a complete mess, he wouldn't speak to me at all and actively avoided me. He would do shifts in the night waking with dd when he was on paternity leave but he would be very loud and huffy, past his paternity leave he did none. He would hear me sobbing in the night and saying out loud that I wished I was dead and he would put his hand on me and carry on snoring or just turn over. He would tell me I held her too much, tell me I needed to sleep train her like his sister did her kids.

Even now, nearly 2 years along, he insists 'it wasn't that bad' 'it isn't as awful as you make it out to be'

Except it was. It. Was.

I know I need counselling to get over the pnd and his reaction but we have both agreed to write each other a letter. In my letter I will be fully explaining how I felt and how his actions made me feel because he has never let me fully explain to him before.

I do understand completely how resentful you can feel.

Find the time, please, or you're just projecting your abuse at him and ironically affecting your own children too.

If a woman posted "I've been at home all day with three kids, made dinner, etc, but finally lost it and swore when baby wouldn't sleep, now DH is lecturing me", people would be pissed off on her behalf.

Okay, it is honestly interesting to read these responses.

I guess for me swearing is a real red line. Yeah of course I have been that frustrated! But I've always walked away when I can't keep my cool anymore. That is just what I was asking him to do.

Anyhow I am having a total pisser of a morning as DT1 wriggled massively, fell off the bed, poor baby and then when I was comforting him I noticed what look suspiciously like nits in his hair..... 😢 I am not sure as DDs never had them but they are going around at nursery. Dropped DDs off, rang manager to explain why I won't be in (they are NOT happy with me) and in Costa opposite Boots waiting for them to open.

All this on three hours' sleep argh! 🙄

You can’t pillory DH for swearing under duress in the dead of night, that’s OTT.

You can pillory him for everything else though.

Speaking frankly being let down in your hour of need (to put it mildly) is potentially enough to torpedo your trust in him forever. Trust isn’t always broken by one party shagging someone else, or by some recognisably gross misdemeanour. Avoiding a parking fine in that situation is beyond comprehension.

There is absolutely no denying you have had an unbelievably traumatic birth. Factor in your rape and PTSD and that makes the whole mix more distressing.

Please go to your GP and spill your guts. Are you still under HV care? Tell them too. There is a care pathway the NHS has in England called IAPT. This is for psychotherapy sand counselling. I’ve used it and it really sorted me out (CBT).

As shit as it is you need to steady the ship of your own head before you can even hope to get your closed book DH to open up about things. For sure he knows he fucked up but his reluctance to accept this is something you will have to park for now until you are in a position to attempt to remedy things.