I still feel really angry at DH - tell me how to let go

[JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff]

I need some straight talking.

DH and I met in 2008, married 2012, 3 dc (4yo and two babies). From the outside I imagine we look rock solid. But I just feel really angry all the time and I am scared it's poisoning things between us.

DH has always been crap taking the initiative and being assertive. Sometimes it has caused issues but mostly it's okay, we balance each other out.

Last year when I was pg I went through a very bad time MH wise. Frankly I am lucky to be here. I asked DH to support me and he seriously let me down, not once but twice.

For ages I thought about it all the time. It's less now but still most days. I cannot get past it and every time he's pissing me off (and let's face it, with small dc there will always be tension sometimes) it comes swooshing back into my head and I just want to tell him it's over.

But that would be really stupid. I need to snap out of it. Any advice please?

I think it sounds like you’ve had a really hard time. If you are in the UK counselling will be free for you if you go and see your GP.

In counselling you will be able to seperate your anger at the entire situation from your relationship with you DH. He obviously let you down badly in two ways but it seems like you are blaming him for everything that has happened.

He didn’t back you up in the consultants appointment. If you are logical about it does this mean the whole traumatic birth and resulting damage to your DS was his fault?! Not to mention the nightmares and panic attacks you’ve had. If he had backed you up do you honestly think it would’ve been different or it is easier to be angry at him?

As someone who has a DH with mild mental health issues it is so hard for their partner. It sounds like you were very unwell in the run up to the birth. The consultant was discussing the birth for you and your/his children, it may be that in that situation he agreed with the consultant or was scared of what was going to happen.
As for the car parking, it was a mistake but it comes under a stupid mistake rather than something you need to apologise for years later.

What could he say now that would help things? If the answer is nothing then you need to stop as all you are doing is damaging your relationship further.

I think that your poor DH was stuck between a rock and a hard place. It must be incredibly difficult to be with someone who is suicidal. You would be utterly terrified of saying the wrong thing. Your consultant was advising you of the safest was to deliver the babies. If he agreed you should follow the medical advice, he'd be wrong (in your eyes). If he agreed with your (more risky) plan, and something went wrong, he would never forgive himself, and potentially you could blame him too.

I think you need some therapy. Because you are concentrating on all the negatives, to the extent that you're not appreciating that you have the desired outcome (3 healthy children) and all is well.

There are women all over the world that never achieve a healthy pregnancy. There was a lady on here just the other day, who at age 27 had just had her 7th miscarriage. There are women living in war torn countries, who only have the shirts on their backs.

You have SO much to be thankful for. My own mother had twins. They were very ill when they were born. Neither made it out of the hospital alive.

I know you can always say, that there is always someone worse off than you, bla bla bla. But it's so sad that your outcome has been a good one, and you're not enjoying it. Instead you are poring over all the details of the birth. I really do think you should seek some therapy, so that you can put all of this behind you and start living. Life is so short. In 18 years time, they'll most likely all be at Uni and you'll have an empty nest. Don't waste this very precious time on looking at negatives in the past.

He obviously let you down badly in two ways

He really didn't. He wanted his wife, who he loves (and his babies) to come through the procedure safely. In my eyes, that would be following the advice of the highly skilled professionals.

He only put one hours parking. Probably not thinking straight at all. There will be far bigger fish to fry in life than this. Let it go. Seriously.

Huskylover1 if a woman has had a traumatic birth, and developed severe mental health difficulties afterwards (such as PTSD) then she cannot forget the birth. She will not be voluntarily dwelling on it; she may involuntarily suffer flashbacks, anxiety and so forth. I would have given anything to be able to forget my daughter's birth and simply be thankful that I had her; it took me five years after the birth to get to the point where I could think that.

My DH does silly stuff all the time. And I'll often say "what were you thinking?" And he'll say "Yeah, that was a bit dim, sorry". Not putting enough parking on the car falls in to that category. He didn't shag the neighbour

And, incidentally, it took me five years because my husband decided my mental health was "not his problem" and quite happily carried on about his normal life while I self-harmed and drew blood every time I breastfed my baby. That went on for 2.5 years, as I extended fed. Eventually, I divorced him on grounds of unreasonable behaviour.

Itjust Fair enough. I was actually attacked on holiday a few years ago. The guy held a gun to my head and then beat me with a baton. I got away. He got arrested. Never had a flash back or a bad dream. It's over. But if I did, I would get therapy, I think.

Postmanbear I think you are right that I am displacing anger on to him. What could he say to help....."look I fucked up and although I don't really get why you feel how you do, I want to help, so how can we move forward?" He could agree to me accessing counselling (we share finances and make joint decisions).

Husky I dunno, I guess you and me just have different POv on this. For me, suffering involuntary intrusive thoughts and dreams all the time is not "being okay". You also keep saying that just bc DS lived it is all fine. My fear about the birth was that I would suffer a massive panic attack during it and that would harm the babies. That is basically what happened, I was left alone without having been able to agree a compromise with the dr. I had a huge panic attack and birthed DS alone. He was not breathing and the cord snapped so he had no oxygen. I also had a bleed then. I had to take him in my arms, blue, to get medical help. As no one witnessed the birth we do not know what time he was born and therefore how long before he started breathing. When they eventually came they had forgot to stock the delivery rm with cord clamps so he was also still bleeeding from the cord stump for a while. He had an MRI at 24h old, spent 2 weeks in HDU/ NICU and then 5 further w under a specialist NICU outreach team who came the house daily. He was under two consultants till age 1 and now just 1. We think he will be fine and no lasting effects from the oxygen loss but tbh we don't know. His paed says we won't really know till he starts school. He is 15 mos and cannot walk or talk, and that could well be normal but we don't know.

I feel huge guilt and anger over his birth. Could I have stopped the panic attakc at the time and stopped that birth happening as it did? Could I have convinced the dr to agree to a compromise plan so I wouldn't have been so scared?

Ohhhhhhh!

Right, well now I see more of what you are getting at. He left you alone to move the car (or get a new ticket), that in itself triggered the panic attack, plus everything else that ensued....and your son (and you) are still affected to this day. That does rather put a different spin on things.

Leaving for 10 mins to get a parking ticket....would e have known the impact? I'm guessing he wouldn't and he must feel just awful and guilty?

I think I'd be thinking :

a) Was this a one off error, that had huge consequences that he couldn't have foreseen and he is normally a lovely husband (forgivable).

or

b) He is generally thoughtless and uncaring and this is yet another time that he's fucked up (not forgivable).

If it's the latter, I'm not surprised that you feel the way that you do.

I really hope your son will be okay.

But he was told in advance that she needed him to be there the whole time!

I had normal births and I would have been apoplectic if my husband had to pop out to pay the bloody parking in the middle (being a sensible man, he sorted it out in advance).

OP, I don't think I could forgive those things, actually. There's a bit in Agatha Christie's autobiography about her first husband who walked out on her after her mother died and she was dealing with the aftermath: he'd told her in advance that he just wasn't good at dealing with the hard things in life, so he thought she should have foreseen that and not been so unhappy and driven him away.

What's the point of being married in the first place if he can't back you up when you really need him to (and was given a chance to step away)?

It's probably not helpful to you, but for me it would absolutely be a dealbreaker. Like fuck would I be tying myself into knots trying to forgive him and move past it when he doesn't even see the problem. And sod him vetoing you spending money on counseling.

Total failure to support me through awful post-birth mental health problems were the reason why I divorced my husband. My marriage vows included "in sickness and in health" - he failed on the health part. He didn't seem to think that a self-harming first time mother was a risk to herself or his child; as far as he was concerned, we were not his responsibility. That's not a marriage, in my book. As far as I was concerned, the "in sickness" part included pre- and post-natal mental health. According to him, it didn't. Deal-breaker.

OP sounds a lot like my exP and I can really relate to what you went through with the birth and the horrible feeling of being let down just when it mattered most. When I was pregnant with DS I suffered hugely with anxiety and everything felt very heightened. Like you I wanted a very natural birth and used hypnotherapy to help me prepare, but ultimately got railroaded into an induction which I found incredibly traumatic - not that it was objectively worse than many other women's experience but I was in such a bad place and felt like I was losing my mind. My exP is a kind man but utterly non-confrontational, unassertive and not intuitive about how to deal with difficult situations. He basically shuts down. We were both way out of our depths and coping in very different ways which neither of us could actually help. He is who he is. But ultimately it did change how I felt about him. Going on the defensive, minimising and just having no clue where I was coming from were/are his typical behaviours.

It's so hard working through those feelings and I just want to say it sounds like counselling would be very valuable for you in processing the birth and working out how you feel about your DH now. You don't say if you're on medication currently but if not I would also recommend speaking to your GP. I was like a different person once I started on sertraline. It helped me to feel a lot less raw and ultimately make a clear-headed decision about my relationship with exP. I think at the moment you can't see the wood for the trees and you may need to access outside help before you can sort through all this.

One thing I would say though is that the consultant couldn't possibly know whether or not the birth would go well without medical intervention but they will have been advising you based on an understanding of the risks involved. Your DH likely felt unable to go against that in the appointment whether he intended to or not. But imagine how he would have felt potentially putting you in harm's way in such a scary high-stakes situation by encouraging you to go against medical advice. He must have felt he was in an impossible situation and just wanted you to be safe. The parking thing is a fuck-up but people tend to do really stupid things when they're under immense pressure. Not your fault and it must have been awful but I can understand how it happened.

Thank you all and Husky thanks especially. It's big of you to say that. The exact timeline to be 100% clear was : we went in for induction and I had said please don't leave me alone as I don't want to be on my own when they come to decidd how to proceed. We waited for about an hour and he said right he was off to sort parking. Whilst he was gone they took me through to get started, and started telling me again how I had to have a med birth. In the middle of them talking to me I had a panic attack and had to seclude myself in the toilets. DH came back and I asked him to support me in getting them to leave me alone for a bit whilst I calmed myself down with a hypno cd. They kept interrupting me asking questions for a form they were filling out though so it didn't really work. DH stayed till they put the pessary in then said he was tired and wanted to go home to sleep. So he did and I had a lovely MW with me for a few hours. I told her about my history and she was very kind and sat with me so I could get some sleep. I woke up with no signs of labour so tried to maximise my chances by walking up 30 (!) flights of stairs. Lovely mw went off duty and dr came back and we had the whole med/ non med discussion again. I was tired by this point and trying to stay calm. It was hard bc they now wanted me to lie on my back which was very "triggering" and kept saying that there would have to be men watching me give birth as the paeds coming on shift were men. I texted dh and asked him to come back now. He said he would have something to eat, pick up some things and drop DD1 at nursery and would be there within an hour and a half. I said please could he leave MIL to drop off DD - she had stayed overnight - and come now. He said okay he'd have breakfast and be there 45 mins instead. The staff came to me and said I clearly wasn't in labour yet, shift hand over was happening and I would need to talk to the cons soon. They left me alone. I saw a group of male docs walk past the open door and had a sudden huge urge to just escape. I went to the loo to calm myself, had another panic attack, and birthed ds on the floor.

He sounds like a very wet fart.

Actually the more you say about him the more I think he sounds bloody awful OP. So sorry

Some very insightful posts on this thread.

So off the back of this thread, I talked to him a little tonight and we have agreed I will seek counselling. I framed it as "birth debrief" rather than "marriage counselling".

Tbh I am only showing one side of him on this thread. He is very funny and a really good dad. He is endlessly patient at getting up in the night, dealing with tantrums, and letting the twins climb all over him. He also had severe MH issues himself. When he was in his 20s he had a huge autoimmune episode of some kind where he had angina, prostate pain, some type of liver thing, and depression. The depression persisted for about 2y during which time he literally didn't speak to anyone but MIL and FIL. He basically just stoicked it out by waiting till he felt a bit better. My urge is much more to talk about it and say "right I am feeling x and need y". I just don't think he gets that approach.

Wrt the consultant.... what pissed me off was, she didn't have a plan in place to mitigate the risks of a panic attack. That was why I lost respect for her. She just waved the problem away and treated it like it wasn't a factor. I do think a history of ptsd type symptoms should be taken seriously by a dr.

Fuck me your birth story is horrendous. I was feeling a bit sorry for your husband until then. Who the hell goes home for a sleep! Then when you really need him he wants breakfast and to drop dd off!
Tell me you are getting some sort of compensation from the hospital, delivering on the floor of a toilet on your own.
I’d be fucking furious with my DH if he did that.
Not confrontational my arse fucking coward more like.
The good stuff is easy when the shit hits the fan you find out who has your back.

Okay, so you didn’t actually birth the baby when he left to sort out parking, that happened a full day later. What happened was you kept shutting yourself in the bathroom and during one of those seclusion’s you ended up having the baby where no one could see you or help you. And you asked your DH to come straight away even though he had the first DC to sort out, he said he would. And he was on his way. TBH you bringing a method of suicide to the hospital in case you needed to kill yourself...leaving a newborn and slightly older children motherless just dumbfounds me. There’s obviously huge mental health issues and I’m not sure you can blame him for them all...as for the consultants, their number 1 concern is delivering babies safely. I feel that your DH has more in his plate then he can deal with. And you need to get help for your rape trauma. If you hadn’t shut yourself in the bathroom, perhaps the midwives might have been able to see to you...I’m not sure that was your DH’s fault. Just my opinion.

Ha ha no compensation but what made me feel saner was my son's paediatrician approaching me to suggest I should have a debrief. That made me think, okay, if a doctor thinks this wasn't right, it probably wasn't.

Genuinely thanks to everyone who responded to this thread. I probably won't return to it now but I will book counselling and I will also hug my babies and remember to be grateful I have them. I am lucky and I think our family can come through all this.

Eh lucky..... it was around 9-10 hours later, not a day. No the MW wouldn't have been able to see me as they had left.

Also the point is, I was having a panic attack . When I went to the loo both times. A panic attack is not a rational state of mind. That is why I wanted to sort out beforehand how we could work together to prevent PAs. You say the drs priority is delivering babies safely..... yep! So if you are dealing with a woman who is prone to PA you take that into account when making a delivery plan. So that the PA doesn't impact on the delivery.

So there weren’t any midwives around? When you went into full blown labour? I’m confused...where did they go? why didn’t you seek counselling/ hypnotherapy, speak to anyone...anything...for yourself to deal with the panic attacks, depression or suicidal thoughts before you went into the hospital? Why did you only rely on your DH to help you with these things...To bring something to assist you in suicide to the hospital is such a massive thing...did you inform the doctors and midwives about all of the above?

I can’t believe he went home to sleep who does that! Never mind everything else, he went home to sleep!
You were giving birth to twins, his children. Sit the fuck down and stay with your wife.
Bet his mum was at home making bacon rolls or some such shit.
He got you pregnant he can fucking well support you giving birth to them. I’m making myself angry what a prick.

In a similar situation I had a ton of private counselling and it was brilliant. Very helpful to actually just be validated that it's "ok" to feel angry and disappointed about certain things; that the effects of decisions matter, even if the intentions were different. On the other hand my counsellor challenged me on a few of my "storylines" where I was blaming DH for things that were beyond his foresight but happened to trigger particular chain reactions. It really is too easy with hindsight to make some connections "causal" but the rality may not have been that clear. I found I had a bit of an emotional investment in thinking of myself in certain ways - not responsible (not suggesting in any way that you have, OP). At the end of the day he isn't perfect, and neither am I. Honestly, I'll never forget some things that happened and they killed my innocent adoration for my DH. But we've weathered the storm. I hope you do too.

Lucky sorry but not sure how it is unclear? The MW left to hand over at shift change. I experienced a panic attack and delivered Twin 1. I guess I didn't experience "going into labour" as such. I delivered both babies within 17 minutes, it said on my notes. I did hypnobiething to help with the PA - I have said that several times on this thread. I told the cons about my history of rape, panic attacks and inability to cope with gynae stuff , at 16w. I did not specifically tell anyone till later about the box of painkillers as obviously they would have taken them off me. At that point I was in a state where I didn't want anyone to. But I said things like "grave concerns about my mental health and afraid I might harm myself or worse". The consultant didn't really listen......