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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Lies ...again..secret phone..what else!

135 replies

Los77 · 13/05/2019 13:20

Hi ..am going through hell and needs some support

I asked you for advice back in January when I found out that my H was texting another woman from his work. When I found out he said it was just friends, she makes him feel good, they get on really well and have a laugh and a joke together. He promised that nothing had happened and that his marriage was important so he will stop all communications with her but obviously will still speak to her professionally. The I found out that he was still texting her and he said that it was just friends and he felt bad as it wasn’t her fault. You all advised me to leave him but STUPID me thought we could work things out for my DS. He started leaving his phone on the sofa and said he told her that they can only communicate professionally. He took me to Paris for my birthday and I thought everything was fine.
Fast forward 5 months, I have found out that he has a second phone (when confronted he insisted it was a work phone and eventually admitted that he bought the phone to keep in touch with her as she’s a good friend and he didn’t want me to know as it would upset me). Now I know why he was leaving the other phone next to me ..as there was nothing to find.

I used the other phone to text the other woman, who seems to think we are on the verge of separation. I told her who I was an d explained what had been going on. I was very polite to her and emphasised that my issue is with my H and that I was only trying to find answers and to what extent the lies spread. She told me that there was a bit of flirting but nothing had happened. In the texts prior to me telling her who I was, it did seem that it was not a physical affair Yet!

Now me and my son are living out of suitcase in a hotel room which I cannot afford for much longer, so will have to go home soon. H cannot move as he is up to his eyes in debt – am the main earner in the house. He still wants to make things work and wants us to come home. He’s deleted his FB account, whats app etc.

Sorry for the long post and I really don’t have a question, just needed some support.x

OP posts:

TLBftm · 13/05/2019 14:28

Oh I feel for you :(
I cannot relate. However, I think people are quick to judge and throw things away. Try not to let it get that.

You obviously are in love, you got married and had a child together!

Could be totally off track, and maybe you don’t feel things have changed a bit... but are you giving him less attention? Maybe life’s a bit busy at the moment? Maybe your a bit stressed with one thing or another? So haven’t noticed that you aren’t as close currently as what you maybe once were?

Try make it work. Meet him for a chat and ask why he likes to message her, if they’re just friends, why is she so interesting etc.... make sure he knows it’s not ok and needs to stop though. It doesn’t necessarily mean he’s given up on your love, or that he wants something to happen between them, it could simply mean he’s seeking attention elsewhere, even though that’s wrong.

If that is the case and maybe you do think you’ve not been as close lately, try cranking it up a bit?

Go on a few dates with him. Set aside some time each week, with no tv, no phones, just some nibbles, a glass of wine and some chat! Maybe a game too. Text him randomly while he’s at work, let him know you can’t wait to see him this eve, pay him compliments, flirt with him. He’ll enjoy that and be the same back probably.... then, if it is that he’s just seeking attention, he’ll probably start to feel dead guilty and wonder why he started messaging her and probably won’t do it again due to how guilty he feels.

I could be wrong as I say, just MO but do try make it work, people are so quick to give up these days

Hope things work out for you

theworldistoosmall · 13/05/2019 14:34

It would be a deal breaker for me. He's lied to you for months since you confronted him. He has no respect for you and deliberately went out of his way to continue contact. I couldn't continue with someone I could never trust again.

Lefty1 · 13/05/2019 16:55

I’d tell him to move back to his parents house , the fact that he is in debt is really not your problem . He has massively betrayed you, you deserve so much better. LTB , you don’t need this in your life x

WhoKnewBeefStew · 13/05/2019 17:00

I remember your post from earlier in the year. He’s shown you TWICE now who he is. He’s prepared to lie to talk to this woman, he’s prepared to hurt you, to talk to this woman, he’s prepared to ruin his marriage, to talk to this woman. I’m not sure what else he can do to make you realise that you and your dc come way down his list of priorities. I suspect the only reason he’s remorseful now is because you’re his meal ticket!

So what if he can’t afford to leave. He’ll have to, he can’t sponge off you any longer unless you let him. That’s his look out. His actions have consequences.

Sorry op

Fooferella · 13/05/2019 17:06

He's in masses of debt yet he can pay for a whole other phone so he can text another woman? How awful that he lied to you like that. I wouldn't trust him. I think you should move back in to the family home for your DCs sake and get him to move out.

PlinkPlink · 13/05/2019 17:35

Um... this implies you think its OP's fault their relationship is falling apart. It also implies you think, despite her DH being the one totally in the wrong here, that she has done something wrong and needs to make up for it?

Nothing excuses emotional affairs, nothing excuses lying behind a partners back repeatedly.

I'm afraid, if I were in your position OP, the trust would be well and truly eroded. I don't think you can get that back. A second phone is a whole other level of deception and shows you his desire. This isn't just friends where he could just stand his ground and say "Shes my friend and I shouldn't have to lose my friendships because you say so". His actions imply he wants more than that.

Houseofmirth66 · 13/05/2019 17:36

Blimey TLBftm! Nibbles and a glass of wine? That’ll learn him!

FFSJustStickToIt · 13/05/2019 17:39

are you giving him less attention? Maybe life’s a bit busy at the moment? Maybe your a bit stressed with one thing or another? So haven’t noticed that you aren’t as close currently as what you maybe once were?

I can't believe I've just read that. He's bought himself a secret phone, ffs, and planted his other phone next to her to fool her.

bagpiss · 13/05/2019 17:40

Tlbftm way to victim blame the op there, how nice. Your 'advice' is ridiculous.

Op sorry to hear you're dealing with this stuff again

AnyFucker · 13/05/2019 17:47

TLB that advice is fucking terrible

Advising a woman who has already given a 2nd chance to her cheating partner to suck it up and lick his arse is just about the worse thing I have seen on here today

Shame on you. Is this all you think women are fit for ? I hope you don't have daughters. Or sons.

TeaForTheWin · 13/05/2019 17:47

If she thinks you two are on the verge of separation then he has either told her that or acted in a way as to make it seem the case. The secret phone fakery would be enough for me without that on top.

Enough is enough now, he's taking you for a mug. The extent of his affairs aren't the issue, his lying and gaslighting are plenty.

Up to his ears in debt? And how is that your problem? He should have thought of that before he started bullshitting you. Deleted his fb ect because he wants things to work? haha aye right, deleted the evidence more like.

managedmis · 13/05/2019 17:49

Incredulous

You're being facetious, right?

category12 · 13/05/2019 17:50

So OW was expecting him to split up with you soon and, what, move in with her?

You support him, so it's really not in his interests to say anything other than he wants to make it work, is it? Yet with so much to lose, he's still after this woman, despite the promises since last time you found out.

How many goes round are you willing to have with this man?

supersop60 · 13/05/2019 17:54

Tlbftm - and what do you think the Op's DH should do?
How about some proper remorse for the lies and deception to start with. NC with OW too. Then maybe HE should try texting randomly, paying compliments and flirting.
Jeez.
OP- I'm so sorry this has happened.

TLBftm · 13/05/2019 18:10

Haha wow some people must be having a bad day.

I’m in no implying OP is in the wrong. And in no way am I suggestion DH gets off the hook. That’s for OP to deal with.... he needs to earn her trust back. But I stand by what I said, they need to work on their relationship together. If one person isn’t happy, your supposed to be a team and make each other happy, that’s all I am suggesting.

Some comments saying he’s cheated etc..... he hasn’t. He’s done wrong yes, but he hasn’t cheated. I don’t see the problem in men having female friends, since when was this a crime? The issue for me is he’s lied, and got the other phone. But make him pay for it!! Surely a marriage isn’t worth throwing away for some texts? If he had cheated, yes certainly! But texts.... I’m sure her DH hasn’t sat there and gone, you know what, I’m gonna lie to her.... It was all probably awkward for him... what man wants to approach a woman and say, oh I’m sorry, I can’t talk to you anymore cos my wife said so.... They would feel awkward as shit and controlled. So I’m guessing, in his eyes, he took the easy way around it and just got another phone. Thinking wife would never know so she’s happy, and he doesn’t have to lose a friend and their happy. I bet it wasn’t as deceitful as your all making out.

TLBftm · 13/05/2019 18:13

Supersop60

Yeah I agree entirely. But in my eyes, two people should work as a team in the relationship to makes things work.

If it was my DH, he would not get away lightly! But I wouldn’t leave him, I’d take a step back and try figure out how we achieve a happier marriage and work at it together whilst he grovels his arse off till the cows come home

Smiler88 · 13/05/2019 18:18

Sorry to be harsh OP, but could he be staying with you because of his debt and you being the main earner? Obviously you have a family together but if you stripped it down to.your relationship, do you realistically see a future together?

BumbleBeee69 · 13/05/2019 18:20

this.. he simply doesn't want to lose his home comforts, buying and using another phone takes alot of effort OP, get him OUT and you get home with your DS.

Chattycatty · 13/05/2019 18:52

Could you trust him though knowing he can lie over and over again. I know I couldn't

poglets · 13/05/2019 19:00

He's a devious, selfish bastard.

What can you do in this situation to protect yourself now? I would check out of the hotel and go home. It is your home - your son will be suffering staying in a hotel and what money you have you now need. Don't waste it on a hotel.

I don't know what to advise you regarding your husband. Just think of all the practical things that you need and what you may have to face in the event of a split. Gather all the information you can at this point and stay quiet about it. Also, do you have proof of his behavior?

It's time to think of you and your son first.

Sorry OP.

Aquamarine1029 · 13/05/2019 19:07

Your marriage is so important to him that he's lied his arse off for months, and went so far as to get a secret phone to keep going with the ow so he wouldn't hurt your feelings.

What a fucking gentleman. How long are you going to put up with this?

AgentJohnson · 13/05/2019 19:33

Tlbftm. What, no advice to buy sexy underwear? First he didn’t stop messaging this woman because he supposedly didn’t want to hurt her (him not messaging her would have hurt her, lying about being on the verge of separating, not so much). Then he bought a second phone to continue messaging the woman to protect his wife from his deceit. He really is selfless.

Your H is a liar and he’ll lie and deceive you and other women in order to prioritise his dick. He’ll spin you some bullshit about his selflessness in trying to protect you from his deplorable behaviour just to add further insult to further injury.

He can not be trusted and waiting for him to screw up again will chip away at your self worth. Unfortunately, given the ease he has given himself permission to repeatedly lie and deceive you, him screwing up again is close to a forgone conclusion.

No amount of date nights will make up for his contempt for you.

AnyFucker · 13/05/2019 19:34

I would consider what this man has done to be cheating.

Deceit, lies, secret conversations. Not once, but twice. Even if there hasn't been sexual contact, he is a cheat and he thinks nothing of making a fool out of the person he is supposed to cherish.

Original poster

Los77 · 13/05/2019 20:43

Thanks everyone for your messages. Sorry took long to reply as was with DC after school activities.

OP posts:

Original poster

Los77 · 13/05/2019 20:44

Unfortunately I cannot think if anyway of being nice to him at the moment let alone be cosy or intimate. I cannot even look at him!

OP posts:

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