Lies ...again..secret phone..what else!

[Los77]

Hi ..am going through hell and needs some support

I asked you for advice back in January when I found out that my H was texting another woman from his work. When I found out he said it was just friends, she makes him feel good, they get on really well and have a laugh and a joke together. He promised that nothing had happened and that his marriage was important so he will stop all communications with her but obviously will still speak to her professionally. The I found out that he was still texting her and he said that it was just friends and he felt bad as it wasn’t her fault. You all advised me to leave him but STUPID me thought we could work things out for my DS. He started leaving his phone on the sofa and said he told her that they can only communicate professionally. He took me to Paris for my birthday and I thought everything was fine.
Fast forward 5 months, I have found out that he has a second phone (when confronted he insisted it was a work phone and eventually admitted that he bought the phone to keep in touch with her as she’s a good friend and he didn’t want me to know as it would upset me). Now I know why he was leaving the other phone next to me ..as there was nothing to find.

I used the other phone to text the other woman, who seems to think we are on the verge of separation. I told her who I was an d explained what had been going on. I was very polite to her and emphasised that my issue is with my H and that I was only trying to find answers and to what extent the lies spread. She told me that there was a bit of flirting but nothing had happened. In the texts prior to me telling her who I was, it did seem that it was not a physical affair Yet!

Now me and my son are living out of suitcase in a hotel room which I cannot afford for much longer, so will have to go home soon. H cannot move as he is up to his eyes in debt – am the main earner in the house. He still wants to make things work and wants us to come home. He’s deleted his FB account, whats app etc.

Sorry for the long post and I really don’t have a question, just needed some support.x

I have taken your advice and checked out of the hotel(wouldn't have been able to afford it much longer anyway!). He called me while I was waiting for DS to finish the club. Asked if a coming home and I said no. He then said that he will call me later. After picking up DC, I got home around 18.45, he had already locked the main door (he assumed I wasnt coming home) and the TV box had moved into our bedroom. Which means that while I was gone he had moved back into the bedroom(he was in spare room when o found out). I think what its saying to me is that he was actually quite comfortable me not being here. While I was downstairs he took the suitcases upstairs and moved the TV box back in spare room. He is now in spare room. And am sat in bed in tears. Dont think hes even missed me. He says he wants to make things work but hes happy on spare room watching his box set!

@whoknewbeefstew
You are right! It is like he is obsessed with her. Apparently she tells him he looks good etc and I don't value him. I dont treat him right. When we were talking about it, he gets angry when I mention this 'affair'. His biggest defense is that he didnt sleep.woth her.

get him OUT of the house OP.

He lied. Several times and in a very deliberate manner.

How will you ever be able to regain the TRUST?

It doesn’t matter if he cheated, had an emotional affair, if it’s you not giving him enough attention or whatnot.
Once trust is gone it’s VERY VERY hard to build again. And it needs more than just ‘I want to make it work’. A lot of effort to put into it.

Do you want to do that??

OP, tell him to leave. Whether you want to split up with him or not (clearly I think you should and that you certainly should NOT be breaking out the wine and nibbles anytime soon) he has to leave to give you headspace to work things out for yourself.

He will either go to her or his mother's, because he has no money and you are his gravy train, but at least you'll get the box sets. He doesn't get to treat you like this then move into comfy lodger status.

@leftyone he hasnt got anywhere to go. His parents live in a different country.
@piglets my DC has already asked when are we going home. He misses his toys etc so that's why I thought I should go home, on top of the financial cost of a hotel.

Bumblebee69 I told him we need to talk tomorrow when DS is not home.
Eggandbutter, you are absolutely right, dont think I can trust him again. And doesn't look like he wants to make things work..he's switched off the TV and is snoring in the spare room.
Lonnyvonnywilsonfrickett that's exactly what he wants to be I feel. We have a lovely big house, nice garden 2 expensive cars and we live rather comfortably, mostly paid by me.

Him having nowhere to go is his responsibility OP, not yours, he should have thought of this whilst texting sweet nothings to another woman.

What Bumblebee said. He is NOT your problem anymore.

Dont allow him to continue to use you. Pack his stuff, change the locks and leave it for him on the front. If he goes to the OW then good luck to her!

He’s hoping to brush this all under the carpet again like last time

I’m glad you’re home OP. Even though I think it’s worth at least trying to sort things, it shouldn’t be you and DS in a hotel as others have said.

I’m annoyed for you that he’s just subsided to the spare room and not said much. He should be trying to grovel 😠

Sorry to say, but I think currently I agree with others. Kick him out. Who cares where he goes! Did he care that you and DS stayed in a hotel? Tbh, he should have stepped in there and said he would stay at the hotel! I think kicking him out could give him a kick up the bum? Make him see your serious about how much this has come between you, and give him a taste of life without you. He’ll soon regret his actions.

Have a plan for your chat. And give him hell. But I still stick by - don’t give up too quickly on your marriage.

The problem is if he "only" does it because he (as he himself explained) thrives on the attention and gets an ego boost, there is absolutely zilch reason why this wouldn't happen again.

It's not about a specific person, so removing them from the situation won't help. It's about him thriving on a particular reaction. One he could potential get from loads of other individuals.

Whenever he feels low he'll "just" message those people, who he believes will play along, for a boost. Which is fine when you're single, but he isn't, so it's not.

Thinking of you, I know it's a shit situation to be in x

So sorry OP what horrible deceit. Can you ask him to move out so you have space to think about your feelings; he doesnt sound very remorseful he should be trying to make it up to you not happily sleeping and snoring like he hasnt a care in the world! Perhaps get legal advice as to where you stand with house etc. Good luck

Or alternatively op could just cut to the chase and have doormat tattooed across her forehead in bright red ink TLBftm

You gave him a second chance and he has thrown it back into your face whilst demonstrating he is a devious sod.

If you find most things of course he is going to try to backpeddle. Good luck op, so sorry you're going through this.

You deserve better.

TLB - what a load of victim blaming misogynist dated tripe! What you're advising the op to do is the "pick me dance" look it up - oh and btw that doesn't work!

"I’m in no implying OP is in the wrong" ahem YOUR words "but are you giving him less attention?" BLAMING OP!

"Some comments saying he’s cheated etc..... he hasn’t." "Emotional affair" look that up too! Plus op has no proof the affair hasn't bee physical - only the word of the 2 people who're involved in the affair!

"I bet it wasn’t as deceitful as your all making out." He outright lied to op on numerous occasions, has deliberately obtained a separate hidden phone to communicate with OW, has from sounds of things liked to OW about the marriage, had continued a relationship he KNOWS Is damaging the marriage... Are you one of these "surrendered wives" types? Or a man? A cheat yourself?

Op he has no interest in ending this relationship with her, he's gone out of his way to maintain it. At best it's an emotional affair, at worst she's also lied to you and it has become physical. Certainly he wants it to be physical if he didn't he wouldn't be interested at all.

His debts, his inability to support himself are no longer your problem.

Get back to YOUR home, get him out and stop being his doormat!

Ok you've gone home but you're STILL letting him walk all over you - why?!

"he hasnt got anywhere to go. His parents live in a different country."

Not

your

Problem!

Give him a weeks notice - and that's being generous!!

TLBFTM "I may be off track here" Your post is a freaking train wreck to the OP!

Morning everyone
Had a bad night and didnt sleep vert well. Just went downstairs for a cuppa before getting ready for work. He heard me come down and made me a cuppa. I told him he had to leave. His face drop and said 'that's your decision, there's no coming back after this'(I felt like he's making me feel guilty). I could feel myself weakening so I quickly walked away. The problem is I love this man and that's my biggest weakness. As soon as I start talking I'll cry. And am usually a very strong woman in my work environment. But with him am an emotional wreck. How can I have a conversation with him, firmly tell him to leave without crying!

He's making you feel guilty because then it's your fault it's over, not his. He's making you do it! What a prick. Honestly, if that's his response to the end of your marriage then it tells you everything.

Get him out of your house x

You need to love yourself OP. And ask yourself, is he treating me with love?

The man you love, I'm not sure he exists. The one in your house sounds like an imposter.

You've done well so far in even telling him - don't be hard on yourself! And you recognise your own weakness, so let's work with that: follow it up with a text or email, giving whatever else you need to say (how soon, when he can see kids, etc).

Well, of course he's going to try that manipulation - did we expect otherwise?

Stay strong. You've got this!

This was me 10 years ago. I did take on board done of the responsibility (naively) I gave him another chance and we limped on for a further 5 years. First 2 were good, he really tried, but after that it was just back to "normal".

Anyway I've been split 5 years now and it was the best decision I ever made.

How did he get into debt while you were paying for everything?
Living it up like a single guy.
He’s gaslighting you into feeing bad for him, because of decisions HE’S made himself.
Why doesn’t he have anywhere to go? Because he’s not a good guy, and is incapable of treating anyone well enough to form good friendships, perhaps?
He’s too busy fucking around behind your back while you’re earning the money to pay for you and your son to exist, and he’s living like a lord.
Bye bye, Mr Man!

Oh, and read ChumpLady.com.

And there's a fred here - something along the lines of "the script" - I don't have a hope in hell of finding it, but maybe somebody has it bookmarked and can send the link. Read these when you feel yourself wavering.