Lies ...again..secret phone..what else!

[Los77]

Hi ..am going through hell and needs some support

I asked you for advice back in January when I found out that my H was texting another woman from his work. When I found out he said it was just friends, she makes him feel good, they get on really well and have a laugh and a joke together. He promised that nothing had happened and that his marriage was important so he will stop all communications with her but obviously will still speak to her professionally. The I found out that he was still texting her and he said that it was just friends and he felt bad as it wasn’t her fault. You all advised me to leave him but STUPID me thought we could work things out for my DS. He started leaving his phone on the sofa and said he told her that they can only communicate professionally. He took me to Paris for my birthday and I thought everything was fine.
Fast forward 5 months, I have found out that he has a second phone (when confronted he insisted it was a work phone and eventually admitted that he bought the phone to keep in touch with her as she’s a good friend and he didn’t want me to know as it would upset me). Now I know why he was leaving the other phone next to me ..as there was nothing to find.

I used the other phone to text the other woman, who seems to think we are on the verge of separation. I told her who I was an d explained what had been going on. I was very polite to her and emphasised that my issue is with my H and that I was only trying to find answers and to what extent the lies spread. She told me that there was a bit of flirting but nothing had happened. In the texts prior to me telling her who I was, it did seem that it was not a physical affair Yet!

Now me and my son are living out of suitcase in a hotel room which I cannot afford for much longer, so will have to go home soon. H cannot move as he is up to his eyes in debt – am the main earner in the house. He still wants to make things work and wants us to come home. He’s deleted his FB account, whats app etc.

Sorry for the long post and I really don’t have a question, just needed some support.x

It is time to set up your own single account- ideally a different bank to the joint account. It might be an idea to transfer some money out- eg to your parents in the short term. He has debt and you are his magic money tree.
Make sure this month's salary goes into your sole account.

It is really important to manage your debt. Who is the spender? What arguments have you had around this subject?

Go through all your costings, and cut things to the bare bone to try and generate a surplus at the end of the month. Even £40. Then, after having paid minimum payments on everything, work to clear the smallest high interest debt (usually a credit card or a car loan). IF you are able to get a second mortgage on your home, take one out to pay the higher interest debts. Good luck.

With less tension and worry, you might be able to be part of a team again.

Due to finances, Stay in same house but separate lives. He lied to you - Not only did he lie but he went out of his way in order to do so.

Please don't let him continue to hurt you and your son, youre both worth more than that x

Please op text the ow and let her know what is happening, the things he says to you, his financial situation, the fact that he is offering to ‘work on your relationship’.
She is most likely still being fed a completely different story ( I know from experience) in which you are a crazy pathetic wife who is acting unreasonably because your marriage is falling apart and that he chose to leave you for her and now you’re being unreasonable.
She probably has no idea how much in debt he is or that you are the one telling him to move out and it will help her to realise that he’s not a great catch after all.
Hopefully he will end up alone with both of you realising that he is nothing but a manipulative liar.
Otherwise I’m afraid he will be with her as soon as you kick him out.

Please don’t try to excuse his behaviour out of love, or look for signs that it’s not as bad as it looks.

If anything separate with him for at least a year and see if he stays single. See if he loves you strongly enough to wait for you and work for it every day for a year. At the moment he’s showing his true colours after only a few days!

Good luck

You really need to take decent advice if you're definitely going to separate. The reason for this is that even if debts are in his name whilst you're not jointly liable (in uk), you're still exposed - if you're his source of income and funds dry up he may stop paying in which case creditors might either secure the debts against his share of the house, thereafter possibly take enforcement action (worst case seek an order for sale). Or if they're aggressive pursue bankruptcy which could result in you having to buy his share from a trustee in a bankruptcy.

Don't mean to scare you you just definitely do need to get advice re the above and protecting you and your DS position generally.

Quit using those joint accounts ASAP.

My ex emptied the joint account days after our split even though he knew that was the only money I had access to. I too was incredibly naive and trusting, was a sahm at the time with no income of my own and only that joint account, it was a nightmare sorting out a new account, having to borrow from people just to feed dd and I until I organised tax credits and got a job and nursery place for dd.

He also took the family car without notice leaving me essentially stranded - he didn't even need the car!

I also caught him trying to take things from the family home when he wasn't expecting me to be there.

I've had friends & family with similar experiences - taking valuables and even cash from the family home, including jewellery and tech even furniture, vehicles, in one case a caravan, selling businesses from under them, emptying business accounts, running up debts in exes names etc.

So be careful!

Open a new sole bank account - with a DIFFERENT bank, preferably a different banking group (seriously I could tell you some tales!) altogether, ASAP.

Cancel any bills that are for things that were just for him ASAP.

Re big argument!

Wow! He really doesn't get it eh?!

You're being bloody generous letting him stay till Sunday, financially I'm not sure that's wise. Be sure and secure financial and legal paperwork of yours is out of the house! Keep your tech out of his reach too!

He's a real piece of work eh!

When he's gone change the locks, absolutely would not trust this guy to not "give" you his keys when he's had another set cut!

"His shiny real-asshole scales are glistening in the morning sun" love this 😂

On another thread recently someone said "you never know who someone really is until you divorce them" that is SO true

QueenCoconuts post made me wonder - is ow well off financially? That may be part of the interest for him if she is. Also if she is very religious and he's somehow made out he is too, perhaps put her straight on that, also in most religions unnecessary debt/spendthrift behaviour is sinful.

Nearly the same situation. In January , I caught my DH with a second secret phone. Used for the intention of carrying on first an LD emotional affair , then various sites. I never suspected as he was working away and really didn't think he was the type .( Such a cliche, I know)
And I never thought he would have the werewhithal to actually make this much effort to get a phone , set up accounts, etc. Pity he didn't put as much energy in talking to me.
So therapy , etc and now here we are. It is all a mess as he recently lost his job and me being a SAHM for years , working sporadically , am financially screwed. And I have now the responsibility of nursing an elderly relative in my home. So , neither of us can leave and he most definitely wants to stay married. He is very supportive , desperately trying to please , takes full responsibility and so remorseful.I don't hate him, just indifferent now. I would split if I could.

So , my advice to you is absolutely leave. You are young, obviously intelligent , hard working , with the ability to financially support yourself.
He seems like no asset in your or DCs life. So glad you have the support of your family. I hope you make the right decision for yourself.

Thanks for the support everyone x
@screamingladysutch it's all his debts in his name. I am financially better off than him.
@queencoconut OW definitely knows what is going on after I texted her last week when I found out. Now I have stopped all commu locations with her..she is very welcome to him, in fact I'd love for her to take him that means he will be moving out without making a fuss. OW is not well off, no offence but she has a minimum wage type of job where H works.

@ErrmWTAF you are hilarious with your words. Xx

@graphista deffo seeing a financial advisor. Sorry to hear what you went through
@ferfecksake so sorry to hear what you are going through, I can feel your pain. I am now at the anger stage but still hurts and I cry a lot. Please try and see if you can get any help to move forward. Him losing his job is not your problem. I cant believe I am saying that as 2 days ago I was scared to tell my H to leave as he has nowhere to go but every day gets a little better. Big hugs xx

Sending kind thoughts to you and your DS and wishing you strength for Sunday

"OW is not well off, no offence but she has a minimum wage type of job where H works." Could be a hobby job and she's independently wealthy.

Op glad you're getting advice, I just try to make sure nobody else or fewer people go through what I went through.

So often on here we read "he'd never do that to me" "he'd never see the kids without" when myself and thousands of others mistakenly thought the same.

My ex now hasn't even seen dd for several years - his choice.

@graphista I cant say for sure but i doubt it. She drives an old banger, and houses hares with her mum. How I know is that she told me apparently he's never even been to her house as she lives with her mother. But if she is, good for her! By the way she talks she doenst even have much of an education. (Sorry being bitchy now).
I have been online all morning reading on legalities etc.
Btw.. your exH not seeing his DC is his loss.. you enjoy the amazing time with them, its precious and priceless. One day he will wake up and realise but will probably be too late by then..kids grow up fast! Xx

Close joint accounts, get paperwork, credit card statements and work out your financial position.
Would it be worth it to give him some money to get gone?

@weenurse I asked him yesterday during the chat what would it take for him to leave and he said he doesn't want anything. My parents suggested giving him 10k which will help him and also help with his debts. That's if he leaves and I get to stay in the family home.

That may be a small price to pay to get him gone

As long as you have it in writing - a legally binding agreement, witnessed by an independent (non-relative) person. Preferably a lawyer.

IF you opt to pay him off I'd suggest paying creditors directly and getting debts incurred during the marriage cleared so as you're not liable - get legal/financial advice obviously but that's what I'd do

Before offering him anything please seek legal advice. As you are married it really doesn’t matter who’s name is in the debts or the house or any savings, it’s all classed as martial assets or debts, and as such you are liable and entitled. The starting point will be 50/50 for both. But with a decent solicitor you could argue that they are ‘his’ debts and depending on how long you’ve been married, and if you can prove you pay the mortgage , you might be able to walk away with more.

Thanks everyone for the advice. Sorry for late response, been really hectic at work today, back to back meetings.
Quick question? Can someone have deactivated their FB but still online on FB messenger, or would that mean that they haven't deactivated account but just blocked me? x

You dont need fb to use messenger

Yes you can. You can use messenger with a fractured fb account

Deactivated not fractured

Please see a lawyer. If you are married he may be entitled to half the value of the house, and to pass you half his debts. You need some decent legal advice

All advice noted! Thanks everyone.
Feeling a bit down today. Hopefully gets better xx

You'll have ups and downs that is totally normal. Just remember "this too shall pass" you won't always feel like this