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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Lies ...again..secret phone..what else!

135 replies

Los77 · 13/05/2019 13:20

Hi ..am going through hell and needs some support

I asked you for advice back in January when I found out that my H was texting another woman from his work. When I found out he said it was just friends, she makes him feel good, they get on really well and have a laugh and a joke together. He promised that nothing had happened and that his marriage was important so he will stop all communications with her but obviously will still speak to her professionally. The I found out that he was still texting her and he said that it was just friends and he felt bad as it wasn’t her fault. You all advised me to leave him but STUPID me thought we could work things out for my DS. He started leaving his phone on the sofa and said he told her that they can only communicate professionally. He took me to Paris for my birthday and I thought everything was fine.
Fast forward 5 months, I have found out that he has a second phone (when confronted he insisted it was a work phone and eventually admitted that he bought the phone to keep in touch with her as she’s a good friend and he didn’t want me to know as it would upset me). Now I know why he was leaving the other phone next to me ..as there was nothing to find.

I used the other phone to text the other woman, who seems to think we are on the verge of separation. I told her who I was an d explained what had been going on. I was very polite to her and emphasised that my issue is with my H and that I was only trying to find answers and to what extent the lies spread. She told me that there was a bit of flirting but nothing had happened. In the texts prior to me telling her who I was, it did seem that it was not a physical affair Yet!

Now me and my son are living out of suitcase in a hotel room which I cannot afford for much longer, so will have to go home soon. H cannot move as he is up to his eyes in debt – am the main earner in the house. He still wants to make things work and wants us to come home. He’s deleted his FB account, whats app etc.

Sorry for the long post and I really don’t have a question, just needed some support.x

OP posts:
ErrmWTAF · 14/05/2019 12:42

So, he spends what he doesn't have and gets himself into further debt? The sooner you chuck him out the better.

Also, do a credit report (on yourself and him) and talk to a solicitor. Yes, of course you'll want to initiate divorce proceedings, I should imagine, but even if you do that n a leisurely manner, you need debt advice NOW. To what extent can he put you on the hook for anything? How much family money can you prove he spent on his infidelity? Etc.

Lining up your ducks will make you feel stronger.

Original poster
Los77 · 14/05/2019 12:49

@ErrmWTAF - thanks I haven't thought about that. So what if he says he cannot afford to move, until things are finalised is he legally allowed to stay in the house? I would ideally like to keep the house to keep things as normal as possible for DS...so he is the one who has to move. Where can I get debt advice? surely his debts won't come out from the family assets?

@TeaForTheWin whilst I don't doubt that he spun her some lines, the OW should have had alarm bells ringing when he gave her a new number to communicate. If we were separating, then there was no need to keep it quiet right?

OP posts:
TeaForTheWin · 14/05/2019 12:54

He could have just told her it was a new number though surely. And it's all very well talking about 'her alarm bells should have been ringing'- when yours didn't. Because he's clearly adapt at spinning convincing stories. I dunno, just wouldn't think she deserves any blame tbh, it's all him.

Graphista · 14/05/2019 13:21

Ugh I hate that "she isn't the one who betrayed you" crap because that's what it is - crap!

Unless the OW genuinely didn't know they were the ow (extremely rare) then yes they are just as morally lacking as the man!

It's not hard NOT to have an inappropriate relationship with an attached man!

ErrmWTAF · 14/05/2019 13:28

If he can't afford to move, tough fucking noogies - he can figure something else out - friends' sofas, bedsits, sleep in his car, doesn't matter.

No, you probably can't legally change the locks against his will, but a guy who doesn't want to be seen as the scum that he is can be managed out. Your brother (and parents, I'd guess) sound like they've got your back. Get their help in encouraging him to go.

But you've got to do your part. Make it clear to him that if he doesn't go quietly, you will tell the world, including his refusal to do the right thing now. That he's never going to get a civil word from you, a finger lifted for his ease and comfort or one brass farthing from your money. As at this moment, got are no longer partners. Say it AND Mean It.

All of this is why I strongly suggest you get thee hence to a solicitor sharpish.

Original poster
Los77 · 14/05/2019 13:40

@Teaforthewin I have gone through all that in my head when I was trying to find a justification for this. She knows very well its a different number. They work together and when she calls him for work, she calls on the normal phone!
I again maintain that it is 100% his fault as she owes me no loyalty but if we woman looked out for each other, then it would make it more difficult for man to treat us like shit. If she'd told him she will only get with him once we are properly separated (as in not living in the same house), he might have then been honest with me and said he's met someone and moved out...who knows! but one thing I know for sure is that she is not completely blameless in this.

OP posts:
Korvalscat · 14/05/2019 14:08

It's a lot easier said than done (from experience) but don't obsess about the ow, concentrate on protecting you and your son financially and emotionally. Try to work out: What his debts are, (are you acting as guarantor for any of them?) how much he is taking from your earnings and what assets are in joint names and then go and get legal advice as soon as possible. If you have a joint bank account set up one in your sole name and have your salary paid in there. Do you have joint savings, if so can you do anything to stop him withdrawing money from the account/accounts?

Put your practical head on, protect yourself and ds then you can figuratively make a doll of each of them and stick pins in them . I spent a bit too much time getting angry about the betrayal and didn't move fast enough on sorting matters out - my poor ex'd'h, whilst pleading to be allowed back, was rather practical financially - unusually for him.
Honestly, it does get better Flowers

Original poster
Los77 · 14/05/2019 14:16

Thanks @Korvalscat Everything is in joint names except for his car is in his name. Looking at it now, stupid me all accounts in joint name and he has an account of his own. I haven't acted as guarantor for his loans and his credit cards are on his name. The mortgage is in both our names although I pay a much bigger share (money goes from the joint account). All shopping and meals out and holidays paid by me, again joint account but my money if that makes sense.

My parents are quite well off so I know financially I will be ok. Parents are now in utter shock as they are so close and always thought of him as a son! but they have said they will support me whatever I decide. x

OP posts:
ThatCurlyGirl · 14/05/2019 14:55

The mortgage is in both our names although I pay a much bigger share (money goes from the joint account). All shopping and meals out and holidays paid by me, again joint account but my money if that makes sense.

Just think, once you aren't carrying him with no thanks or teamwork on his part, the hard work it must have taken to be in this position financially and professionally will finally pay off!

You can shop without worrying about what he's doing while you're busy, eat out and get whatever you want and have holidays to places you love without using them as chances to try to win him over.

Start writing a bucket list and get ticking the contents off once you have left - gives you something to plan / distract you AND helps you focus on the future not the past.

YOU'VE GOT THIS!x

ThatCurlyGirl · 14/05/2019 14:57

PS could you have a holiday with just DS and your parents? They will be on hand to help with DS if you need some alone time and you won't feel under pressure to play happy families with them, they know you and they have told you they'll support you. Make the most of it Smile

You sound like your head is in a much better place now, so much stronger and determined - well done you!

Original poster
Los77 · 14/05/2019 15:51

@thatcurlygirl mum and dad said exactly the same thing. They are booking a holiday for us for the half term in a few weeks. My brother has also offered to come spend week ends with him just to get out of the house as he knows I can be quite weak where H is concerned. Xx

OP posts:
ThatCurlyGirl · 14/05/2019 16:02

@Los77 Ah brill, your family sound lovely - do let them help as much as they are happy to, they'd hate to think of you struggling. Glad to hear you'll get a break xx

Original poster
Los77 · 14/05/2019 17:38

Putting DC in the bath and about to have THE chat with him!! Handhold xx

OP posts:
WhoKnewBeefStew · 14/05/2019 18:24

Good luck op Flowers

Middersweekly · 14/05/2019 19:01

@Los77 I agree, it sounds like you have been gaslighted I’m afraid. He bought a second phone to carry on his emotional affair after being caught the first time! If it hasn’t become a PA yet it was well on track to become that way. Your H has made his bed so he can lie in it!

Middersweekly · 14/05/2019 19:12

Also there are some striking similarities to my my mums exH on the mismanagement of money front. He was a Narcissist and heavily overspent well above his means also. Meanwhile my mum saved and was the person paying off the mortgage each month. He was a dead weight and she is well rid of him! Get down to the bank as soon as possible and open up a separate account. Make sure all your earnings go in there or he’ll keep taking from you! I don’t know what can be done on the guarantor front though I’m afraid as it’s legally binding and they will likely come after you for the money if he stops paying the debt!

ThatCurlyGirl · 14/05/2019 20:01

How did it / is it going OP? We are all thinking of you, hope you're ok Thanks

Original poster
Los77 · 14/05/2019 20:21

Big argument ... so here it goes :'I do not value him, I do not treat him with respect, I always remind him that I earn more and pay for everything so I hurt his feelings' so basically it's all my fault! Oh and he became quite nasty saying to leave him alone and he cant even look at me.
Then came the 'I am making an effort but you keep bringing the past ..it was not even an affair'.
So I walked away saying that he fcked up and am being made to look like a nasty bitch!! And enough is enough
I told him he had to leave he said to give him a few months and I said he has till Sunday. X

OP posts:
keepingitrealnow · 14/05/2019 20:34

Bloody hell what an absolute prick he is!! If you're as bad as he keeps saying you are then he will want to leave ASAP surely?!! Poor lamb all he's had to suffer!! Totally astounded that he's trying to blame you! Well rid of him.

ThatCurlyGirl · 14/05/2019 20:34

He can't even look at you?!

Let's be positive about this and see he light at the end of the tunnel. Him being such a cunt just now is the final straw surely.

He's just told you that your behaviour is unacceptable. I mean?!?!

That the only option he is open to ya for you to forget about something you know to be true from he past, and ignore that he hasn't changed his behaviour in the present.

That he should have months to get his shit together. No concern for YOU or your DS.

He's making your reaction to his behaviour the issue, not admitting the issue is actually his behaviour itself. Utterly childish.

All. About. Him.

So USE this - he's just proved yet again what a selfish bastard he is. Please please please stick to your guns and end this madness!

We are all here for you and you have brilliant parents and a lovely brother - they all know so it's real now. It's all real and they and we can help with practicalities.

Priority now is making sure that by Sunday you aren't physically in the same space or this will descend into either even more toxic or him wearing you down and trying again.

Please stay strong xx

ThatCurlyGirl · 14/05/2019 20:36

Oh and get mum / dad / brother around for moving day, don't have him moving out when you don't have back up and don't leave him in the house trusting he'll actually do it.

Rally your cheerleaders and have them there physically to support you and to reduce the likelihood he throws a shitfit x

whatthehe11 · 14/05/2019 20:37

If your salary goes into a joint account get that changed to one in your sole name ASAP!

aweedropofsancerre · 14/05/2019 20:56

Oh dear isn’t he a prize arse. It’s all you..... my word my OH can go on about earning more than me and various other things that annoy and frustrate me but I don’t go off and start secretly messaging other men. He is an adult and makes his own choices and do not allow him to try and suggest that if you change your behaviour he will behave himself..... I am getting annoyed for you!

justilou1 · 14/05/2019 22:20

You made him lie and lie and lie to you? I’m sure you forced him to get all those STUPID payday loans. For what exactly? I’m certain you pushed him into contacting another woman behind your back on a secret phone. And lying about that too. What a knob. He is not remotely responsible for any of his decisions, is he?

ErrmWTAF · 14/05/2019 22:22

Dawwww, the poor widdle fragile male who will happily accept the money (and lifestyle) his wife makes, but use it as an excuse to fuck around behind his wife's back?

I would bet every penny I earn this year (admittedly not a lot, but still) that you have NEVER said or done anything that a reasonable person would consider belittling.

It's all excuses. It's all bullshit. It's all just the skin of the bullshitter being shed. His shiny real-asshole scales are glistening in the morning sun

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