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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Lies ...again..secret phone..what else!

135 replies

Los77 · 13/05/2019 13:20

Hi ..am going through hell and needs some support

I asked you for advice back in January when I found out that my H was texting another woman from his work. When I found out he said it was just friends, she makes him feel good, they get on really well and have a laugh and a joke together. He promised that nothing had happened and that his marriage was important so he will stop all communications with her but obviously will still speak to her professionally. The I found out that he was still texting her and he said that it was just friends and he felt bad as it wasn’t her fault. You all advised me to leave him but STUPID me thought we could work things out for my DS. He started leaving his phone on the sofa and said he told her that they can only communicate professionally. He took me to Paris for my birthday and I thought everything was fine.
Fast forward 5 months, I have found out that he has a second phone (when confronted he insisted it was a work phone and eventually admitted that he bought the phone to keep in touch with her as she’s a good friend and he didn’t want me to know as it would upset me). Now I know why he was leaving the other phone next to me ..as there was nothing to find.

I used the other phone to text the other woman, who seems to think we are on the verge of separation. I told her who I was an d explained what had been going on. I was very polite to her and emphasised that my issue is with my H and that I was only trying to find answers and to what extent the lies spread. She told me that there was a bit of flirting but nothing had happened. In the texts prior to me telling her who I was, it did seem that it was not a physical affair Yet!

Now me and my son are living out of suitcase in a hotel room which I cannot afford for much longer, so will have to go home soon. H cannot move as he is up to his eyes in debt – am the main earner in the house. He still wants to make things work and wants us to come home. He’s deleted his FB account, whats app etc.

Sorry for the long post and I really don’t have a question, just needed some support.x

OP posts:

Original poster

Los77 · 14/05/2019 07:39

Thanks everyone
I am gonna follow @errmWTAF advice and send a text later to remind him that I meant what I said.
@justilou1 he doesn't earn much and he has loans that he takes to cover credit cards then credit still used again which means he then has loans and credit card to pay. Lately been spending a lot on products for face/hair etc and new clothes as hes lost weight toned up etc. Now I also know that the OW is a gym addict and keep fit etc

OP posts:

Original poster

Los77 · 14/05/2019 07:43

@JellyBean31 am glad things have worked out for you in the end. It gives me hope.
Also my H is very conscious about image..he likes to come across as a respected family man and we are in a group of friends, all pretty well off financially. We eat out a lot, 2/3 holidays a year and socialise together... am thinking he's scared now everyone is going to judge him.

OP posts:

justilou1 · 14/05/2019 07:44

Yeah, well he’s not doing it for you, is he? You’d think he owed it to you to put the effort in. I might send the OW a message and let her know she can have him and his debts. What a catch.

Original poster

Los77 · 14/05/2019 07:45

Thanks @errmWTAF..I'll look for that.
Its hard to let go even though if that was someone else I'd be screaming LEAVE HIM.
I must also tell my parents now. Didnt wanna worry them before I was sure.
Xx

OP posts:

NineinaBed · 14/05/2019 08:05

I remember your previous posts and everyone told you to leave him then but you were so defensive about it and you ignored the same advice everyone was giving you. Are you going to listen this time and stick to your decision. Yeah it will be hard but there is no other decision on a mess that has been ongoing a while.

Original poster

Los77 · 14/05/2019 08:11

@nineinabed thanks for your comment. I have reread my post and I dont think I was being defensive at all. I was just trying to see if I could make things work for my DS.. I've been an idiot and a fool..but at least I know that I did do all I could to try and make things work so now I have no responsibility at all that the marriage is over.

OP posts:

QueenOfTheCroneAge · 14/05/2019 08:19

I hope you mean it, OP. It's clear he sees you as nothing more than an enabler of his comfy life.

justilou1 · 14/05/2019 08:52

He can afford a secret phone and a gym, he can afford a shelter.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 14/05/2019 08:58

His financial position is not your concern anymore

He’s trying to emotionally guilt trip you into staying

He’s panicking he’s losing his meal ticket

justilou1 · 14/05/2019 09:02

I bet your financial status improves without him.

ThatCurlyGirl · 14/05/2019 09:21

am thinking he's scared now everyone is going to judge him.

Then he'd better step the fuck up and make himself able to provide all that nice stuff to himself - plenty of us have to work harder / longer hours than we'd choose to if we want to have more holidays / meals out etc.

I really hope you can break free this time, if you do then I think in a year you'll look back and wish you'd done it sooner - there will be a time when you can't believe how complacent and ungrateful he's been for so many chances and all your support.

I wouldn't even involve yourself with OW, you'll be pleased in future you kept your dignity I promise, even though I know it's so hard. And you're just fuelling him / her / them taking up your headspace for even longer if you engage at all.

I know I don't know you but I'm willing you on! Good luck

Atalune · 14/05/2019 09:25

Wow- he’s at fault. He messed up. He needs to leave!

Nc1548 · 14/05/2019 09:28

Oh OP I feel for you.
He's taking advantage of you. He has no intention of being faithful but he obviously likes the lifestyle that you can provide him. Moving stuff around the house while you were at the hotel says it all.
If you can't trust yourself when you talk to him, don't talk to him, text, email, send a message through someone else. Tell your parents, his parents, tell everyone, the more people know the more support you will have. You owe him nothing.
You are lucky in that you don't need him, you will be ok.

Chamomileteaplease · 14/05/2019 09:45

You feel heartbroken now but this sounds like one of those classic situations where in a year or two you will be so relieved that you got away from him and will flourish without him. Pastures new and all that .

GinIsHappiness · 14/05/2019 09:52

Hi...

Reading your post... I think you've done the right thing to leave.

I recently found out I was the other woman, and I look back and remember towards the end of that relationship in his overnight bag he had three phones. (I had some gut feeling) so I clicked the phones and it was just endless texts from women, snapchats and Facebook messages.

So you're right to leave.

Original poster

Los77 · 14/05/2019 09:56

Thanks everyone for taking the time to reply. Your support and advice is so appreciated!
Think I made the first step - and it's all thanks to your support. I called work, asked my PA to clear my diary for the day and I took the day off work. Called my brother, crying on the phone. He was so angry and also annoyed that I didn't tell him anything earlier. He is leaving work and coming to see me. He works in the city so will get here for about 12ish. My brother just called me back and said that he spoke the H and asked him WTF was going on (my brother doesn't mince his words). H told him that he made a big mistake and he is willing to prove that he has changed. My brother told him that he doesn't get to decide that and that it will be my decision what happens from now onwards. He was going about loving me blah blah blah...and my brother told him that actions speak louder than words. When he gets here we will go see mum and dad and tell them in person. Feeling much better already. xx

OP posts:

justilou1 · 14/05/2019 09:59

Go you good thing!!! I am so proud of you for trusting someone to have your back!!!! Big hug!!!!

Original poster

Los77 · 14/05/2019 10:03

Oh and just to update, when I did text OW (I was extremely polite) but I did tell her that her 'harmless flirting' has ruined a child's life. Guess what she texted me back saying she is sorry etc etc and that she is a God loving woman and would never do that intentionally and that she is praying that me and my son find peace!!!

OP posts:

GinIsHappiness · 14/05/2019 10:03

@Los77
So pleased you've got a supportive brother. A good support network will help x

Graphista · 14/05/2019 10:07

Justilou's post at 7.33 is spot on

You need to find your anger - maybe by remembering he was spending YOUR money to look good for HER! That is unforgivable!

And do not protect his reputation, tell your friends the truth and get the support you need.

Glad you're getting support from your brother, also glad you've someone in your corner who doesn't mince words! Your Stbx needs told! As for the OW wtf! All the religions I'm familiar with most definitely regard emotional infidelity as bad as physical, it's what's in someone's heart that matters, she definitely doesn't get a pass because she claims to be "God loving" what a pile of crap!

Original poster

Los77 · 14/05/2019 10:16

@graphista I read @Justilou's post again and it actually made me smile (bye bye Mr Man' - I might actually use that when I text him later smile

OP posts:

KatherineJaneway · 14/05/2019 10:19

Sorry OP but he does not want to make it work for love, he wants to make it work as you are his meal ticket. He lives a nice comfy life but it is clear his attention is on this other woman as he has not broken contact as he promised.

He needs to move out.

ThatCurlyGirl · 14/05/2019 12:08

@Los77

Guess what she texted me back saying she is sorry etc etc and that she is a God loving woman and would never do that intentionally and that she is praying that me and my son find peace!!!

Ugh! My mum called my dad's OW to say please leave him alone and OW said "you don't realise what a wonderful man you're married to"!! Makes me so mad even now 20 years on!

Of course looking back I understand he spun her a tale of woe all from his point of view - 'the script' obviously. They're still together and now she knows what he's really like to live with. She doesn't seem happy!

Graphista · 14/05/2019 12:24

Humour is good but keep angry too, he's behaved appallingly

TeaForTheWin · 14/05/2019 12:38

'He's changed' hahahaha how? By magic, overnight yeah? Jeez what a bullshitter.

Hope your brother helps you kick his ass to the curb.

Also, sounds like other women genuinely thought you and hubby were separating, that's been him that did that, not her. He's told her all manner of stories too. Think you were a bit harsh on her. Still, guess it will teach her to be more wary in future.

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