Unsure if he's telling the truth

[PWestgate]

I am in what I'd consider to be a happy relationship. We enjoy time together, we get along easily, we enjoy similar thing (not all things but enough), we have similar goals and dreams. We have similar ideas on bringing up children. I can imagine living a pretty happy life together.
Our relationship seems to be easier and happier as time goes on.

My partner is not perfect. I do struggle with some of his "flaws". His flaws mostly come down to his desire to impress. Bragging, arrogance from time to time, embellishment of stories to become more exciting and interesting. In our early days, looking back, he was very eager to please and said some questionable things.

One thing that I am struggle to put aside is one part of his history that I am not sure adds up.

The story goes that he had a very long term relationship with someone, had a child with them and both died. At first I believed it, why wouldn't I and if it's true I will be quite mortified that I doubted it.

He has told many stories of her, not the child, over our time together. None of which I mind as it builds a picture of his youth. I don't doubt she existed.

However, some things have been a little odd for me.

1. He has no trace of either of them, except 1 group photo found during our relationship. He explained this as he removed all whilst grieving
2. Her engagement ring worth a reasonable sum he didn't know where it was or what happened to it. When I asked, within a month or so, her dad emailed out of the blue and he asked about it. She was buried with it.
3. When asking to see their graves, should we have children, it'd be nice to know where their half sibling is. He claims he has forgotten the past few years after visiting at least yearly for many years.
4. I have searched family tree birth and death records, news articles and general google. I haven't found anything.
5. When discussing pregnancy and birth, he seems to not to be knowledgeable considering he had a child.
6. His family have never mentioned anything. It was mentioned twice in front of his mum and his uncle. Both have memory problems but nothing really triggered.

I want to get to the bottom of this if we are to progress our relationship. I don't want to find out years later that it doesn't exist.

Does anyone have any clues? I don't want to get to the point of asking him outright

Why can't you just sit him down and talk about this with him? This is someone you talk about marrying some day. I honestly don't understand why you can't share these concerns with him and let him explain. There is absolutely no way he would not know where their graves are. Just no way. So I'd start there.

I wouldn't be able to rest until I knew the truth .
Good luck

I honestly don't understand why you can't share these concerns with him and let him explain

I think it's obvious: because she thinks he may be lying and if she's wrong he will be very hurt she doesn't believe him; and also because she wants someone to corroborate the story because certain things don't add up. He told his facts but something seems amiss so it makes sense to check with someone.

If he's lying, then she can take it from there. Accusing someone of lying (even if they aren't), shows a degree of mistrust and some people can't get over that once it's told to them.

How long have you been with this guy?
What are your ages?
Does he have other children?
What is his relationship history?
Does he have close, lifelong friends who he has met in each job, neighbourhood, education etc?

I doubt Clare’s Law would pick up a 25 year old case.

He's told you where they're buried and they're not there - seems pretty obvious he's lying. If they are dead why would he lie about the graveyard.

You need the full names. I remember vaugely mu parents had a still born before I was born. I went onto that DNA uk site thingy entered in their names and it did list the death I was so shocked as it was over 50 years ago.

Obviously he is lying. Forgot where they are buried!

Are you really planning on having kids, considering he's in his 50's?

I agree with all PP's that he sounds like a narcissist. Arrogance and lies are pretty big red flags here OP.

Just think how sinister a person would have to be to make up a lie like this. If he is lying (which I think you know deep down he is) then he is playing the victim card to gain sympathy and relies on the story being so tragic that you dare not ask questions and therefore never get to the truth.

Please do Claire's Law on this guy, read up on narcissism and observe him carefully. I wish I had done all those things when things started to not add up with my exes.

sorry, I've just seen that you did Claire's law. If he is found to be lying OP, this isn't a minor indiscretion and I think you should be quite scared of what he is capable of.

When you say 'emotional', what do you mean exactly? My ex narc used to cry at the drop of a hat. It was all fake but sadly I believed it at the time.

Are there any other more recent ex girlfriends you know of that you could make contact with and find out what this guy is really like in a relationship? I know you probably feel uncomfortable digging around for information but its important to know the truth before you make any lasting commitments to this man.

So many red flags here it’s crazy! I don’t understand how you can remain with a person who you think is lying about a dead child and ex partner?

He’s either a complete weirdo or he doesn’t wish to give you any single piece of info regarding what happened and if that is the case - why doesn’t he want to?

Sounds dodgy as hell and rather than enjoy your relationship you’re playing detective on a man who is possibly making up a story about a mother and child dying. How can you even be bothered with this relationship ?

Do you think maybe he does have a daughter and ex partner but they don't want contact for some reason?

It still doesn't explain the lack of photos or belongings.

Does he mention their birthdays or anniversaries of their death?

Before I was born my cousin aged2 for run over and sadly died. I've looked for info online. I can't see a thing. So maybe it just wasn't reported?

This is mental

Sounds like they didn't exist at all and it's a lie that he can't admit to now as it's gone too far

Is it possible that he doesn't feel comfortable with you attending the grave, that he feels disloyal to them? clutching at straws

I just can not see what he would get out of this, and if he is capable of such a huge lie, why he hasn't told more. Baffling.

My brother, K told his ex that we had a brother who died falling down the stairs. She believed him for years until one day a couple of years after they split we were talking about his behaviour and she said she thought our brother dying messed him up.

He told her he was buried at the local cemetery and that was where he disappeared for hours on end. I have no idea how it was never mentioned before.

I told our actual real life brother, L about it and he showed me some Facebook messages hed got of K claiming L had been stabbed on a night out, killed in a car accident, diagnosed with cancer (i think this would have even been going on when Ks own daughter actually did have cancer).

Some people are utter fantasists. I honestly never knew any of this. I didnt know he was a massive homophobe either. It was shocking finding out. Good luck figuring it out

Can anyone tell me why this thread is no showing up in my I'm On list?

I've not hidden or unwatched, but it isn't there despite someone posting on it earlier today?

Perhaps he just doesn't want to talk about it grief can and does do strange things to people. Possibly he has chosen to give you different names etc. because he doesn't want it all bought up again. My mother was like this with my own fathers death when I was aged 4. She too had no photos of him and we never had contact with any extended family. I tried reaching out to my Uncle on my dads side and am Aunt on my mother's none of which replied. He could just want to leave the past there as did my mother. Yes it's odd but does not necessarily mean it's untrue.

I have a sister who died before I was born. To this day, I don’t know her name or where she’s buried. My father is the only one who knows where she’s buried and he claims he can’t remember. None of my family talk about her or what happened to her. People are strange.