Unsure if he's telling the truth

[PWestgate]

I am in what I'd consider to be a happy relationship. We enjoy time together, we get along easily, we enjoy similar thing (not all things but enough), we have similar goals and dreams. We have similar ideas on bringing up children. I can imagine living a pretty happy life together.
Our relationship seems to be easier and happier as time goes on.

My partner is not perfect. I do struggle with some of his "flaws". His flaws mostly come down to his desire to impress. Bragging, arrogance from time to time, embellishment of stories to become more exciting and interesting. In our early days, looking back, he was very eager to please and said some questionable things.

One thing that I am struggle to put aside is one part of his history that I am not sure adds up.

The story goes that he had a very long term relationship with someone, had a child with them and both died. At first I believed it, why wouldn't I and if it's true I will be quite mortified that I doubted it.

He has told many stories of her, not the child, over our time together. None of which I mind as it builds a picture of his youth. I don't doubt she existed.

However, some things have been a little odd for me.

1. He has no trace of either of them, except 1 group photo found during our relationship. He explained this as he removed all whilst grieving
2. Her engagement ring worth a reasonable sum he didn't know where it was or what happened to it. When I asked, within a month or so, her dad emailed out of the blue and he asked about it. She was buried with it.
3. When asking to see their graves, should we have children, it'd be nice to know where their half sibling is. He claims he has forgotten the past few years after visiting at least yearly for many years.
4. I have searched family tree birth and death records, news articles and general google. I haven't found anything.
5. When discussing pregnancy and birth, he seems to not to be knowledgeable considering he had a child.
6. His family have never mentioned anything. It was mentioned twice in front of his mum and his uncle. Both have memory problems but nothing really triggered.

I want to get to the bottom of this if we are to progress our relationship. I don't want to find out years later that it doesn't exist.

Does anyone have any clues? I don't want to get to the point of asking him outright

@TripleASays

Yes, I am very nervous about it. I dread the moment when I could hear his confession and that would be the end to this. Apart from this, I've never felt so comfortable, happy and excited for the future together. We get on well and our time together is just easy.

I am more sorry. This is my biggest fear. I should have just called him out there and then "You've been at least yearly for 25+ years and now you can't remember? whats really going on". I didn't. I am a fool.

@Oohgossip
My suspicions exactly....except i've seen messages to a two others about it. Ive never met these two and never communicated.
Maybe they left in the year he states but something happened recently. I don't know.

@Postmanbear

I have doubted this story for sure. I also know the high risk of these psots, my searches on line, my searches through his records. Discovery would end us immediately.

I only doubted him when he said he couldn't remember where the graves were. He's been at minimum yearly for over 25 years. I thought what is happening here. Only after that did I start to search and doubt.

You're right though, this isn't healthy. When this doesn't play on my mind everything is great.

Urgh :-(

@user1479305498

This has been a very likely possibility - however why would he mention it to a few others. It just doesn't make sense.

It's a really really big lie if he's made it up. If it was a RTA was someone prosecuted for it - could you try that angle ?

How strange. Have you tried looking for an alive version of this woman and child? Facebook?

Well you could still say this now, "I've been thinking about what you said before... You've been at least yearly for 25+ years and now you can't remember? whats really going on?"

@notapizzaeater

I've tried searching RTA and the date, RTA and the year and also London. Apparently it was a big one but I cannot find anything. It was in the early 90s so it was probably not reported as it would be now.

@Holidaysurprise

Yes I have. I am not 100% if I remembered her surname correctly.
I've searched the last name, his friends list, her name.
There is someone with her name she has a website and I have contacted her but nothing. She also does not look like a photo I have seen, but not widely different.

@cloudchaos
I could. I am wanting to be careful because IF this is the truth, my doubts, my snooping, my accusations could break us up.
IF its not, I also wish to break amicably.

Does the Facebook person with the same name have any younger friends with the child’s name? Does she have any friends mutual to your DP?

Oh OP, this is scarily similar to a man I dated. He said he’s daughter had died and she hadn’t!
He was also one for telling elaborate stories, embellishing the truth, covering lies with more lies!
Are there any other red flags? Alcohol/drug dependency, employment history, residency history, failed relationships
The guy I knew was a classic narcissist, still makes me angry now, 2 years on!

The picture you saw could be of anyone. A cousin, a friends etc.
He would surely have a death certificate for his son and probably fiance. No one forgets where their dead fiancé's engagement ring went or where their child and fiance are buried. Sorry OP he's definitely lying. If I was you I would leave now.

OP my gut feeling is this man is a total fantasist. My ex was very similar. He tragically did lose his brother in a car accident but I found out he was telling people (such as old school friends he was reconnecting with on FB) that he was also in the car accident which was a lie.
He lied about all sorts of things. It just tripped off his tongue and his behaviour was bizarre. For example over the years he lied about sending inappropriate messages to a work colleague, he sent messages to me from a PAYG mobile that were inappropriate (I knew it was him but hoped it was not), when I found the PAYG phone and confirmed it was the same number he told me that he had 'found it' in the garden and someone must be stalking me, he harassed an ex girlfriend to the extent that the police called our home to warn him (he said his phone was calling her accidentally), towards the end of our relationship he put spyware on my laptop and phone, he said someone was driving past our house looking in the windows (we lived at the end of a cul de sac so no through road).
You get the picture. He was seriously weird and I did not see how bad it was for a long time. If someone can lie about something like this, something so tragic, they will be a compulsive liar, sneaky and totally untrustworthy

@Beebeequeue

If she is alive, I imagine that she may have married and had other children.
There are only a number with her name and maiden name if I have it right

1. Is 6 years too young and as she was young when she died this seems unlikely.
2. Is 20 years + too young
3. Looks 15 years too young and has a young child - doesn't look like the picture I saw. However - who knows if it was even her.
4. The surname is her married name.

He has someone with the same last name (if I have it right) and an abbreviation of her first name on his FB.
She has a private friends list and on her few photos there is no family. I cannot see any "likes" or comments from any others with same surname or any of his son.

I remember a year or so ago he told me about his ex partner's sister but I cannot remember her name. That would be helpful, but she again is likely to be married.

@Rockinmomma
No alcohol, no drugs, his employment history seems legit and he worked with another family member in his youth and i've witnessed them discussing it. He's also openly discussed current work with family and also i've seen and heard work calls.
Residency history - only a little. He said he lived with her however I couldn't find any record of him living anywhere else.
Relationships don't bring red flags.

@Drogosnextwife
It could be. He told me in grief he got rid of a lot. He also doesn't take pictures - even with the convenience of smart phones.
The photo was supposedly given by his brother - I aim to ask him for more when I have the chance.
She died when they were young, so the possibility of her family taking over is very high.

@JK1773
Sorry you went through that. That sounds awful.
My only red flags is this potential life, everything else seems fine.

@PWestgate are you safe though waiting? Because if it is made up it's quite an odd thing to do and his personality could change if he thinks you're onto him.

I think I would leave and ask questions later

@cloudchaos

I don't feel unsafe. He has no police record under Claire's Law that I need to be aware of.
However, you're right to advise me to be cautious.

To break it off, out the blue and then reach contact with him to find out the truth would be strange

If he lied to you he could have lied to others, maybe that explains the emails you saw?

Something about this whole thing is chilling....

Could it be possible however, that he's just made their entire existence up? Do you know there ever really was a girlfriend & baby?

If you know where the child was born and their name and her mother's name, you can search the birth & death records

@MummyParanoia101

I have searched the birth and death records

I am not 100% on her first and second name.
He called her an abbreivation of her name when he first told me. However has since only called her by her full name.
I cannot remember her surname with certainty but the one I think, I have tried

His son's name I am sure of, however did he have her surname? I have tried his and nothing

I don't know for certain if there every really was a baby. I trust there was a girlfriend and have heard stories of his youth with them in. How long it lasted, if they lived together, if they had a baby ... I don't know for sure

Maybe he hasn’t forgotten where they’re buried he just doesn’t want to tell you and have it all raked up.
If he has been going for 20+ years before he met you I wonder how old he is. I only ask because many years ago the attitude to mourning is very different from now and people were encouraged to ‘try to forget about it’.
Also like pp I wonder if he was driving when this accident happened, if indeed there has been an accident.

@Lllot5

He's in his 50s. He is also someone who is very emotional so I cannot even imagine, should this be true, the level of grief he felt. I am quite surprised he got through it. His life would have been in tatters.

However, I believe (again should it be true) that he only forgot recently - the past 5 years. It makes little sense

I think this thread is possibly getting away with itself and posters on MN (as most online forums) are usually quick to jump to conclusions and inject some drama into their day.

As much as it's possible he has invented a dead fiancée and child, isn't it also possible (more probable, even?) that he is extremely guarded about the whole thing and has lied about details in order to prevent you from snooping and intruding on his family as he maybe sees it? Perhaps he hasn't given you the exact names. Maybe he has given you the wrong dates. Maybe the ages he has told you are wrong. Maybe he has told you the wrong cemetery so you cannot trace them. I don't think it's implausible that a bereft man would protect the memory of his family like this. Posters are leaping to the conclusion that he is a narcissist or a liar or an abuser. There has even been speculation that he killed his family or caused the accident that killed them for goodness' sake. People take it too far. The only evidence you have is that he likes to embellish a story; lots of people do. Lots of perfectly lovely people. That doesn't suggest that he would tell a huge lie like this. And the other evidence is that he seems to be deflecting your attempts to visit the grave, and you can't verify the information he has given you/the information appears to be false. I think there is more than one possible explanation for this and posters here are not considering the impact on both you and your partner if you level accusations of fabricating the whole thing at him when that's not the case.

It's all too strange to be true. Too many anomalies. I can't help but think he made it up to make you feel sorry for him. He probably BV thought it bring so tragic that you wouldn't bring it up.

Ask his friends asap. Do it in a way that you can judge their expressions, so definitely face to face. And definitely make sure it's a family member or friend that knew him in the 90s

Eg:

You: I don't know how xxxx got through the loss of his ex and child.

Friend: Huh? What do you mean?

Thought it being so tragic*

But perhaps he hasn’t forgotten op He just wants to forget it.

Strange.. you need to have it out with him if you are to have any future.. there maybe a bigger story

I found out recently that my dad had a still born daughter in his first marriage. It came to light when his first wife died and the baby was mentioned in her wishes. I swear my dad had no idea who she was referring to. He has since mentioned a few more details but I’m sure he had just coped the best way he knew which was to never mention or think of her. My dad is a lovely kind gentle man but I guess he couldn’t cope. It’s not that he wasn’t devastated at the time. Quite the opposite I think. He doesn’t know where the child is buried but the mother did. So I guess at some point he must have known and that too was blocked out.
Grief does funny things to people and this man may just be choosing not to disclose. His grief, his business.