Unsure if he's telling the truth

[PWestgate]

I am in what I'd consider to be a happy relationship. We enjoy time together, we get along easily, we enjoy similar thing (not all things but enough), we have similar goals and dreams. We have similar ideas on bringing up children. I can imagine living a pretty happy life together.
Our relationship seems to be easier and happier as time goes on.

My partner is not perfect. I do struggle with some of his "flaws". His flaws mostly come down to his desire to impress. Bragging, arrogance from time to time, embellishment of stories to become more exciting and interesting. In our early days, looking back, he was very eager to please and said some questionable things.

One thing that I am struggle to put aside is one part of his history that I am not sure adds up.

The story goes that he had a very long term relationship with someone, had a child with them and both died. At first I believed it, why wouldn't I and if it's true I will be quite mortified that I doubted it.

He has told many stories of her, not the child, over our time together. None of which I mind as it builds a picture of his youth. I don't doubt she existed.

However, some things have been a little odd for me.

1. He has no trace of either of them, except 1 group photo found during our relationship. He explained this as he removed all whilst grieving
2. Her engagement ring worth a reasonable sum he didn't know where it was or what happened to it. When I asked, within a month or so, her dad emailed out of the blue and he asked about it. She was buried with it.
3. When asking to see their graves, should we have children, it'd be nice to know where their half sibling is. He claims he has forgotten the past few years after visiting at least yearly for many years.
4. I have searched family tree birth and death records, news articles and general google. I haven't found anything.
5. When discussing pregnancy and birth, he seems to not to be knowledgeable considering he had a child.
6. His family have never mentioned anything. It was mentioned twice in front of his mum and his uncle. Both have memory problems but nothing really triggered.

I want to get to the bottom of this if we are to progress our relationship. I don't want to find out years later that it doesn't exist.

Does anyone have any clues? I don't want to get to the point of asking him outright

If this is a lie, OP, which i strongly suspect it is, is this enough to end the relationship for you?

It would categorically be it for me. To lie about the untold grief of losing your partner and child. Is unforgivable.

Can you not ring the parish attached to the graveyard and ask them to check their records?

We did end up splitting because of it, I found out years later when pregnant with our daughter and he wanted to give her that child’s name! Part the story was oh, she was just the women I got high with and got pregnant at 15, I’m very well rid of him x

Deaths are on Ancestry now up to 2017. The only rider is that the index is not 100% complete.

Alternatively, Bereavement Services or some such at the Council should be able to find the grave for you - if it's there.

I was going to add, if the graves exist, it should be via easy to find via the cemetery.

If you were thinking of any kind of future with this man you need to get to the bottom of this

if I was in your country would be checking with the authorities to run a claire’s Law check on this man.

Something doesn’t sound right here, it seems strange that if the mother has dementia, why isn’t she referring to you OP as his old partner? Who does she think you are? Are you certain she does have dementia, or is this something he has just told you she has ?

Yes myself & many others here have been lied to so some of us may be a bit jaded! Maybe have watched Dirty John recently so am still a bit on edge. I kind of feel like you should watch it too...

people of both sexes can & do tell some crazy stories for a wide range of reasons...if he has lied, imagine his motivation would be to get sympathy from a new woman...Is there anything else about him that seems odd or fake? What’s his financial situation like & do you support him in any way financially?

going off what you’ve said here, there must be someone else in this man’s life who should be able to vouch for him & the story of his past as he tells it, without him there at all coaching them or controlling the conversation.

I agree with others it doesn’t sound remotely believable that he doesn’t know where they are buried, or say, who took their ashes.

Seems a bit odd that her father would be asking about her engagement ring too doesn't it? Unless it was a 'do you want it back?' email. But...wouldn't he know she was buried with it? Seems like the sort of thing a dad would know.

Unless I'm getting things crossed here.

Another one calling BS.

So his fiancée/mother of his child and the child/baby have unmarked graves somewhere he doesn't remember and can't find?
Surely if he knows the rough area he could easily wonder around and read the headstones for the names no?
And who does the upkeep of the graves? Not him? Her family? Then surely they would know.

Bizarre, I would be getting my running trainers on op.

Sitting and thinking about this - none of it adds up at all, I'm afraid. It just doesn't fit.

It's such a tragic story it's really hard to imagine that there is just never at all any reference to it within the family.

The way he worded it to his mum is really odd. He would ask if she remembered them both. The baby and her. The 'pair' they were when the tragedy happened. Not just 'my old girlfriend'. That sounds so much as if he were subtly trying to get a confirmation for the existence of the girlfriend and thus his story, but if anything him not mentioning the baby is the biggest red flag. He is almost certainly lying about the baby.

Put on top of this the fact that you can find no records, and the convenient emails and forgetting where the grave is...

OP your post opens stressing how happy you are in this relationship. If you find out this isn't true you should absolutely end the relationship. I think you won't want to find out because you won't want to take that course of action.

What family would let a young woman and baby's grave go unmarked?

Go and have a look round the cemetery, OP.

I immediately believed this to be bs. On thinking further I wonder if it's sort of part true. I wonder if there really was a girlfriend and they had a baby and they both died. He was young when it happened, the girl's parents would have organised the funerals and headstone. Maybe they didn't involve him, not thinking him that relevant in their grief ( losing a child in such a traumatic way is so horrific that they may not have felt like behaving compassionately towards him, they may have even blamed him for the deaths) I think it actually makes quite a difference on how old he was at the time. If he was, eg 18, he may well have quickly moved on if he wasn't included in the formalities. I think it would be interesting to ask him about the girlfriend's parents ( for some reason I don't believe they were engaged)
Sorry just realised that this sounds as if I'm far too invested in this post!

I do know someone with a long term partner who had an affair and told the ow that his partner had died and he was bringing up their son.

His partner was alive and well and the son was hers not his. She did forgive him for some reason and they later married.

I don't know how you would ask about this. But if he can't find, or 'deleted' the email from the dead partners father about the ring, then there you have it. That's the bit that made me suspicious - the email out of the blue. Not sure why the ring came up anyway - was he by chance boasting about how much it cost him or similar?

I have actually wondered if he possibly was involved with the RTA but he caused the accident :S

My step brother would pull a stunt like this. I think he has made it up

My ex was a compulsive liar like this, and was also eager to impress. He had majority of the traits of a narcissist.

Hi everyone

I have an update

I contacted the police under Claire's Law - he is all clear. So at least there was no murder or such like

I also contacted the council for the cemetery they're supposedly buried in. The name search came back with no records. I asked further and they said no-one of that age near that age for both mum and child were buried in that cemetery in that year.

This is of course bad news

I am suspecting that either they're still alive or initially he lied and found himself in a deep hole having to keep up the lie (why he would lie about such a thing I don't know - I can only justify it so I wouldn't think he was odd for never being married before)

I raised it with him recently, in a very vague way, by saying I wanted to visit his son's grave should we ever have children then it would be their brother. He said he doesn't plan to continue visiting but suggested the idea of contacting the local council/crematorium (I forget what he said exactly).

As such, I will follow this up.

I also hope to see his brother some time soon and enquire about family photos and mention his son and ex partner.

I also had access to his email, however didn't dare search for it as it comes up on the search doesn't it. I could only delete the full search history.

I really love this man. He is kind, considerate, time together is easy, we love doing similar things, he's thoughtful.....he also has flaws so he is not "perfect" but I pray to whatever high power there is that this is just a big misunderstanding :-(

I really love this man. He is kind, considerate, time together is easy, we love doing similar things, he's thoughtful.....he also has flaws so he is not "perfect" but I pray to whatever high power there is that this is just a big misunderstanding :-(

There is no misunderstanding here and this man is far FAR from considerate. He told you a woman and child are dead. They are not dead!!!!

How can you ever ever think there is a future here.

This isn't like he just went to the shop and forgot to tell you.

I have managed to look at emails and messages

He mentions the deaths to other people but no email of the ring and cannot see anything from the father of her.

I am very nervous that my life might just fall into shatters, but it needs to be addressed.

Oh goodness, this is so weird. I used to work with someone who told exactly that same story - and he then went out with a friend of mine.

Neither of us really believed it - or indeed many of the details of his life, because either he had had the most extraordinary upbringing ever or he was a liar. In the end I think he was a highly charismatic but damaged man.

What's odd though, was that he claimed to have had a wife and baby daughter who died in a RTA too. Which is so specific. Was she a ballet dancer too?

What's your next move, OP? I think it would be a good idea to sit down and have a frank conversation with him at this stage. You're right- it definitely needs to be addressed.

So sorry you're going through this!

I think he either told you the lie at the beginning, not thinking you’d last, and is now caught in it....

Or they’re definitely alive!

I had a long term relationship with a man whose stories made me feel a bit unsure and I would double check and question him and look for evidence etc. Looking back now the relationship was doomed because I didn’t trust him, I have never double checked anything my DH has said because I have never felt unsure.

There are only two outcomes here:

1. you find out he is a liar and break up.
2. He’s not lying but you doubted him to such an extent that you searched birth records etc, if he ever finds this out your relationship is over anyway. My best advice is to find someone who you don’t doubt tells you the truth

I think this is a break up that went badly wrong and no contacts, he may have been worried what you thought about no contact. I think it’s likely he lied but now is trapped in a lie he used to present himself in a better light.

@TripleASays

I am very unsettled. I don't want to find this out. It could be my worst nightmare. I've never dreaded infidelity, always being with someone who isn't who they say they are.

I think I am going to have to bring up searching for the graves in a few weeks - I've just done some searches on his messages so want to try avoid being caught. My stomach was in my mouth the whole time of being caught. Snooping is not okay.

I am going to hope to see his family or friends sometime soon, but its quite rare that I see them.

@Oohgossip

Yes, I thought. However I've come across a few messages of him telling other people. People i've never met so it wouldn't be to help with the lie. It's so odd.

I think they could be alive, maybe something happened and she left him and never been in touch since.