Unsure if he's telling the truth

[PWestgate]

I am in what I'd consider to be a happy relationship. We enjoy time together, we get along easily, we enjoy similar thing (not all things but enough), we have similar goals and dreams. We have similar ideas on bringing up children. I can imagine living a pretty happy life together.
Our relationship seems to be easier and happier as time goes on.

My partner is not perfect. I do struggle with some of his "flaws". His flaws mostly come down to his desire to impress. Bragging, arrogance from time to time, embellishment of stories to become more exciting and interesting. In our early days, looking back, he was very eager to please and said some questionable things.

One thing that I am struggle to put aside is one part of his history that I am not sure adds up.

The story goes that he had a very long term relationship with someone, had a child with them and both died. At first I believed it, why wouldn't I and if it's true I will be quite mortified that I doubted it.

He has told many stories of her, not the child, over our time together. None of which I mind as it builds a picture of his youth. I don't doubt she existed.

However, some things have been a little odd for me.

1. He has no trace of either of them, except 1 group photo found during our relationship. He explained this as he removed all whilst grieving
2. Her engagement ring worth a reasonable sum he didn't know where it was or what happened to it. When I asked, within a month or so, her dad emailed out of the blue and he asked about it. She was buried with it.
3. When asking to see their graves, should we have children, it'd be nice to know where their half sibling is. He claims he has forgotten the past few years after visiting at least yearly for many years.
4. I have searched family tree birth and death records, news articles and general google. I haven't found anything.
5. When discussing pregnancy and birth, he seems to not to be knowledgeable considering he had a child.
6. His family have never mentioned anything. It was mentioned twice in front of his mum and his uncle. Both have memory problems but nothing really triggered.

I want to get to the bottom of this if we are to progress our relationship. I don't want to find out years later that it doesn't exist.

Does anyone have any clues? I don't want to get to the point of asking him outright

Apart from this doubt, we have a lovely relationship

Read back what you wrote OP, you have a lovely relationship with this man except you think he is lying about the death of his partner and their child. That makes no sense, this does not add up.

Definitely go to the cemetery. Unless there are cemetery records online?

He's lying.
His family don't know about any of this or he wouldn't mention his ex to them as "you know, my girlfriend from...."

OP, if you have his ex's name and surname and have searched death records and there is nothing, then you must know that there is a very slim chance he's telling the truth here.

Forget about belongings and what someone should/shouldn't remember, you have clear options here to find out for sure without having to ask family members. But I think you don't want to as you know what the answer is.

If you know the cemetery then you can contact that church/graveyard and ask for the plot where X is buried. You must at least also know the apparent date of death to within 10 years or so at least. There WILL either be a grave, or not. There is your answer. Don't go and wander round looking - it can be surprisingly hard to find individual graves especially if they aren't being tended.

But I think you know that he is lying. The real story could be anything - he had a gf X and they just split up but he's a fantasist and so that became losing his fiance and child in a crash, could be that he did have a child but they split and no contact, could be an out and out lie.

My partner has openly mentioned her name to them and said "you know _, my girlfriend from when I was " or similar. Oh come on. He didn't say something like 'Mum, you remember Katy and baby Bessie, don't you?' He just said 'you remember my girlfriend from when I was _' - like just, any old girlfriend? That just isn't the wording someone would use to recall a fiance you had a child with!

I'm sorry OP. Do your digging, but when all this comes out there isn't a single explanation that could justify such a lie. He probably wanted very desperately to make himself sound more interesting/tragic/romantic when you met, and then you stayed together, and the lie was set in stone.

Oh didn't mean to underline there.

Really strange. The op doesn’t have the surnames of the girlfriend. But I’m surprised the child didn’t have the same name as her If they were happily together at the time.

Do you think he was driving the car, op?

Ask him about it, ask for more details. Then speak to his friends. This story shouldn't be hidden away, it is a big life changing event and maybe he should face up to it and honour his family.

I have met a couple of people with far fetched stories and I was skeptical and then as time passed they were corroborated by others. So fwiw I wouldn't dismiss straight away. Truth sometimes is strange and people react differently.

“This story shouldn't be hidden away, it is a big life changing event and maybe he should face up to it and honour his family.”

Well, he can hide it away if he wants to. But I think he does need to tell the OP that’s what he’s doing.

@Justbreathing
The OP does have their surname:
"4. I have only his partner and their child's first and surname."

OP, where have you checked the BMD records? I think deaths on ancestry.co.uk only go up to 2006 (unless recently updated).
How long ago are you talking for their births and deaths? ( (www.freebmd.org.uk have not transcribed records past about 1984).

I went to the office at a cemetery a few years back to find out where the ashes of a sibling who died as a baby was spread. I knew the date, albeit it was a very long time ago, and they very quickly found the details for me. If it is a little more complex they will check further but there is a small fee involved.

I do think you have your gut instinct that he is lying and that intuition is very important and meant to protect us. I hope he isn't lying but I do believe he is.

In any event, do you really want to be with someone who brags, exaggerates and lies. To do so must mean he has low self-esteem and insecurities or is just an unpleasant person. Either way it will create issues in your relationship in the future.

I asked him if we could visit, he said that he doesn't remember where.

He said it's somewhere at the back near some trees but he's struggled to find it the last few times he's been.

The mothers name didn’t begin with a J and the little girls an S? This is the exact same story my ex told me, his girlfriend and daughter were killed in an RTA I never could get to the bottom of the story. If it’s another one guy, the horrible lies these men will come up with is sickening x

That all sounds very bizarre.

How long are you together op? Surely he would have some sort of evidence of their existence. A photo, a teddy bear, baby grow, death cert for his child....

I know everyone grieves differently, but whether this story was true or not, it’s a massive red flag. Someone who cares so little for their child and their partner that they binned all their photos and toys and clothes after they died would not be someone I’d want to have a relationship with.

I will do this, thank you.

We all have low self esteem, if this is all true, the story embellishment flaw is not outweighed by the positives.

No that's not the same.

Worth asking though - imagine!

Did you end up splitting over it?

I think I’d mention it to his close family or friends when he’s not in earshot.

Just something like ‘can I ask you something, I heard X partner and child were killed in an RTA, I wanted to check as I’d rather not ask him directly in case it’s not correct, or I put my foot in it’
Then if they look puzzled or say ‘oh no they split up, she’s now living in Outer Mongolia and they didn’t have dc’ you don’t look like a loon.

I had a mate who was married to someone who embelished and lied about stuff, she pulls him up on it and takes the Micky out of him. But I doubt even he would make up a story about a dead child.

*I asked him if we could visit, he said that he doesn't remember where.

He said it's somewhere at the back near some trees but he's struggled to find it the last few times he's been.*

They're unmarked, with no headstones??

A young woman and a baby, tragically killed in an accident??

The not being able to find the grave of his child is odd. How long ago does he claim they died?

How long would you have to walk up and down the approximate area before you found it?

How would you forget from one year to the next where, approximately, it is?

I would tend to suspect he's one of these compulsive liars, they lie even when they don't need to and lie without any realistic consideration of how it's going to pan out, how they're going to keep it going etc.

I was in a relationship that had some similarities to yours. In his case there really was a terrible and sudden accident which no parent could really be expected to totally recover, no matter how much time has passed.

He had very few mementos from that time and had destroyed a lot of photos. It turned out that he had been through repeated episodes of mental ill health, alcoholism and self harm during the 20 years between the event and the time we met. It meant he was homeless or living in hostels for extended periods whilst he was unwell and not employed. It also made him vague about the past because he had been over and over it so many times with counsellors and so on. He told me what happened just plainly with no frills because he said if he left it until later people's attitude would change towards him.

His family did talk about the accident to me. I never brought the subject up but I think that if it had been like you, where the truth is in doubt, they would have been ok about talking to you since you should know what you are letting yourself in for if you are going to be with him.

The relationship we had ended for different reasons connected with the fact that even though he knew I cared very much for him he would often lie to me, and had some serious sexual hangups which he kept deeply buried in his mind. I think now that he was more damaged than he let on to make himself a more attractive prospect.

PS. It can be hard to find a grave if things have changed which happens. Vegetation grows over, new graves are made, layout alters, headstones changed or moved, and so on. The first time I was taken to the graves the light was very bad and it took him quite a time to find them.

You also say that you struggle generally with his desire to impress. If that is true now, it will only get worse. It is not a recipe for a happy relationship in the much longer term

Ask his brother if he remembers the date of his child's birth and death as your DP doesn't like to talk about it but you'd like to know the dates so you can be sensitive around these times.

If you don't see his brother often and ask a friend instead be careful which one you choose as when they tell you they havent got a clue what you are talking about your DP will fob you off, claiming they weren't in his life at that time.