Unsure if he's telling the truth

[PWestgate]

I am in what I'd consider to be a happy relationship. We enjoy time together, we get along easily, we enjoy similar thing (not all things but enough), we have similar goals and dreams. We have similar ideas on bringing up children. I can imagine living a pretty happy life together.
Our relationship seems to be easier and happier as time goes on.

My partner is not perfect. I do struggle with some of his "flaws". His flaws mostly come down to his desire to impress. Bragging, arrogance from time to time, embellishment of stories to become more exciting and interesting. In our early days, looking back, he was very eager to please and said some questionable things.

One thing that I am struggle to put aside is one part of his history that I am not sure adds up.

The story goes that he had a very long term relationship with someone, had a child with them and both died. At first I believed it, why wouldn't I and if it's true I will be quite mortified that I doubted it.

He has told many stories of her, not the child, over our time together. None of which I mind as it builds a picture of his youth. I don't doubt she existed.

However, some things have been a little odd for me.

1. He has no trace of either of them, except 1 group photo found during our relationship. He explained this as he removed all whilst grieving
2. Her engagement ring worth a reasonable sum he didn't know where it was or what happened to it. When I asked, within a month or so, her dad emailed out of the blue and he asked about it. She was buried with it.
3. When asking to see their graves, should we have children, it'd be nice to know where their half sibling is. He claims he has forgotten the past few years after visiting at least yearly for many years.
4. I have searched family tree birth and death records, news articles and general google. I haven't found anything.
5. When discussing pregnancy and birth, he seems to not to be knowledgeable considering he had a child.
6. His family have never mentioned anything. It was mentioned twice in front of his mum and his uncle. Both have memory problems but nothing really triggered.

I want to get to the bottom of this if we are to progress our relationship. I don't want to find out years later that it doesn't exist.

Does anyone have any clues? I don't want to get to the point of asking him outright

Confront him, why are so many people afraid to speak up?
Ask his friends nothing odd at all or has asked you not to mention it?
You should be able to find a birth registers of the child at very least - if they exist.

How old is he?

Just want to post based on questions asked. I understand I wasn't clear enough and unfortunately cannot edit.

1. The lack of belongings is strange. He explains he went into a very bad place when they died and got rid of everything. His child was an infant. Should it be true, I would imagine her family have things.

1. The email I did not see and I don't know what he said.

1. I should have clarified he knows the cemetery and says a rough idea of area but not certain where. I am not sure if this is because he doesn't want me to go or because there is no grave for the both of them. I am tempted to go look.

1. I have only his partner and their child's first and surname. I cannot find anything on birth or death records.

1. He has a small family. Mum has at least onset dementia and the conversation has never been about the past. His uncle, is mostly with it but a lot of past memories he also forgets. My partner has openly mentioned her name to them and said "you know _, my girlfriend from when I was __" or similar. He didn't push that they didn't remember. I plan to ask his brother when I see him, which is very infrequently and only in passing usually.

• I plan to mention it to his brother or friends when the opportunity arises
• In himself, he focuses only on positive memories, negative memories really hit him hard. He's a very emotional person.
• I imagine his family haven't said anything as its firstly an ex-partner, sad circumstances and it was a very long time ago.
• I haven't caught or suspected him lying as such, but he does exaggerate the truth. Something nice is amazing, or if someone smiles humorously they laugh sort of thing. If someone jumped a little, they leapt out of their chair or jumped 10 feet. That sort of thing.

I appreciate many of you are ringing the warning bells for me, but I really hope this is nothing. Apart from this doubt, we have a lovely relationship. Though, I realise many people have been fooled in relationships.

My friend told many lies so in the end I doubted everything she said. She also had an unlikely story that no one was keen to talk about.

Something appeared in the papers after her death that makes it seem likely that at least this one thing was true despite how unlikely it seemed.

I have no idea these days what to believe when people have lied to me previously.

Do you know when?it must have made local news if a mum and kid were killed in a road accident. Sounds well dodgy to me... would be a deal breaker. Maybe he caused the crash?

Maybe speak to the police about Claire's Law?

If you know the names and the rough dates it should be easy to find the details. If you can’t then it’s not true. But if you’re doubting him to this extent then it sounds as if there’s no trust. Not sure how the relationship can continue really.

No one forgets where their child is buried. He is lying. And it’s a shocking thing to lie about - unforgivable

If you know the name of the cemetery where they are buried the local council will have a record of them and and will provide a plan of the cemetery showing their graves.
I have found several people's graves this way.

I should have clarified he knows the cemetery and says a rough idea of area but not certain where.

Yes I think you should have qualified this.

So he’s told you about the town and cemetery in which they are buried but he can’t remember the exact plot?
How did this conversation come about where he was being asked to state the exact position of the grave? Maybe he didn’t want to get into that much detail about it and just brushed you off?

It could be trauma. It could be protecting them and their memory. But if you doubt it you could ask his brother and say I was just wondering how old the baby / toddler was when she died. RTAs are not in the media or reported really. Baby might have had his name, her name or a combination of both.

Ok that Changes it a bit. So he knows the cemetery. I also don't understand why you would ask him the exact plot location? That makes no sense, who does that?

I have witnessed a close friend going through losing her Dd in a RTA. She was traumatised for years. I know she chooses what information she gives out to people about her Dd and her death. It may seem very odd to people who went there at the time.

So whilst our partner may be lying, he may also just not want you to know the details. They are his to keep and to share, if and when he chooses.

*people who were not there at the time

your partner

Sorry for typos!

Do you not think it would be the other way around?

OP I wager that he is a complete fantasist. He is not who you think he is.

I was with someone like this once. Everything he told me was plausible on its own merit. But as a whole - lots and lots of layers of lies and cover ups.

For what ended up being a very active relationship and home with another partner elsewhere.

She's alive. The child probably is too. Or didn't exist at all. But neither are dead.

He's lying.

A strong sign of Narcism is lying and exaggerating.

I think the fact that you can't trust him doesn't bode well for your relationship long term. Regardless of wether or not he's telling the truth the fact is you don't know if you can believe a word he says.

This is beyond weird. You know the cemetery but you haven't been to look?

All kinds of odd.

It’s exceptionally hard to say because if this did happen, can you imagine the trauma of losing your child and fiancé in one go. I’ve only experienced one bad loss in my life (my dad who had cancer) at least I could rationalise that death to a degree, it tipped me over the edge as it was, but to lose a future wife and child...of course some of his behaviours may seem off.
It could also be why he exaggerates so much, grieving does strange things to you.

On the other hand he could be billy bullshitter and quite frankly you don’t want that in your life.

I think you need to talk to him and his brother. Could you bring it up at a time when they are both there?

This situation sounds familiar to me.

My dad died a month before I was born and my mum never ever spoke about it to me during my upbringing. I’d hear the odd things through phone conversations she was having with other people. The last time she took me to his grave was when I was 6 years old.

By the time I was becoming a teenager, I started wondering again, I tried to visit his grave without my mum but I couldn’t find it. It made me desperately sad. I googled everything and anything from the age of 11. His family didn’t even speak to us. I’ve never met a family member. I had never been able to find anything.

My dad had also died in RTC, caused by a drunk driver, on a well known part of the north west. So I assumed there would at least be one news article about it. After 9 years of googling things every few months, I finally found a news article. I was over the moon that I finally got closure and I eventually found his grave, by contacting the council who was a great help.

What I’m trying to say I suppose is, there will definitely be something, especially if it’s a RTC, the heading to the article of the one I found was more about the person who had caused it and what their sentence was but it still had details of my dads death in it. Also, check 192 address checker. My Mum and Dads home address from 25 years ago was still on it, which comforted me in a time when I was beginning to think he didn’t exist.

It was many years ago however and in London so may not have been documented as thoroughl

London is the best documented city in the world. If it happened, they'll be a record of it. Do you know where in London they lived? If you do the local papers (try the local library) would have reported an accident killing both parent and child.

I would go to the cemetery and have a look for yourself. However, he should be able to find out which plot it is as presumably he owns this (or maybe her parents do). My nan was in abusive relationship and after losing her son didnt visit his grave for decades. It was unmarked and all caved in but my mum still helped her find the plot and sort it out. It's weird that no one has anything. My 9 month old had something at virtually every relatives house so even if something happened and I got rid of everything I dount everyone else would. Have you searched for the gf on Facebook? It's quite a far fetched story so I would say either he's made a fantasy life to elicit sympathy or this person is very much alive and hes really taking stretching the truth to a new level. I would end the relationship either way but I'm also super nosey so would still want to know.

How old is he?