Unsure if he's telling the truth

[PWestgate]

I am in what I'd consider to be a happy relationship. We enjoy time together, we get along easily, we enjoy similar thing (not all things but enough), we have similar goals and dreams. We have similar ideas on bringing up children. I can imagine living a pretty happy life together.
Our relationship seems to be easier and happier as time goes on.

My partner is not perfect. I do struggle with some of his "flaws". His flaws mostly come down to his desire to impress. Bragging, arrogance from time to time, embellishment of stories to become more exciting and interesting. In our early days, looking back, he was very eager to please and said some questionable things.

One thing that I am struggle to put aside is one part of his history that I am not sure adds up.

The story goes that he had a very long term relationship with someone, had a child with them and both died. At first I believed it, why wouldn't I and if it's true I will be quite mortified that I doubted it.

He has told many stories of her, not the child, over our time together. None of which I mind as it builds a picture of his youth. I don't doubt she existed.

However, some things have been a little odd for me.

1. He has no trace of either of them, except 1 group photo found during our relationship. He explained this as he removed all whilst grieving
2. Her engagement ring worth a reasonable sum he didn't know where it was or what happened to it. When I asked, within a month or so, her dad emailed out of the blue and he asked about it. She was buried with it.
3. When asking to see their graves, should we have children, it'd be nice to know where their half sibling is. He claims he has forgotten the past few years after visiting at least yearly for many years.
4. I have searched family tree birth and death records, news articles and general google. I haven't found anything.
5. When discussing pregnancy and birth, he seems to not to be knowledgeable considering he had a child.
6. His family have never mentioned anything. It was mentioned twice in front of his mum and his uncle. Both have memory problems but nothing really triggered.

I want to get to the bottom of this if we are to progress our relationship. I don't want to find out years later that it doesn't exist.

Does anyone have any clues? I don't want to get to the point of asking him outright

Maybe something bad happened, not sinister but maybe something he doesn't want to talk about

Op, I'm sorry but you'd have to be one sick fuck to make up a dead child.

And there would have to be something wrong with you to forget where your dead child was buried.

I think he is lying, sorry

This thread is so strange.
How did they die?

I think he is lying, sorry

OP, given you are doubting him over something so big then it seems you need a serious think over this relationship. Maybe he's not lying about this but something else.

I tried to find someone on the BDM who died three years ago but nothing. Then I've been told about a death of someone I'm certain never existed. Given they were supposed to have died more than 11 years ago would the BDM be more up to date does anyone know?

It seems such a massive thing to lie about, maybe he just wants to keep it private, maybe he'd feel like he was betraying them somehow if you went to their grave. I would be wary of voicing such an awful assumption to him incase it's true. If you don't believe him then just walk away

I agree with everyone else, plus surely his mum would have a photo of the child on display? It seems pretty standard for grandparents to have photos of their grandchildren.

I can remember where we scattered my mums ashes 26 years ago and where we buried my dad 24 years ago. I was 10/12.

Nobody^ of sound minds forgets where they buried their fiancée and child. Nobody.^

And if they did, I wouldn't want to be with such a person, because they must surely be some sort of sociopath.

At worst he's made up their existence. At best, he has a child out there that he has no relationship with.

He's either an absent father or a very, very sick individual. Either of which I wouldn't be making plans to spend the rest of my life with!!!!

He's lying.

Yep I think he's lying

Bragging, arrogance from time to time, embellishment of stories to become more exciting and interesting.

I dated someone like this for a while and I often found myself sitting there whilst he lied to other people about stuff he didn't even need to lie about. I told myself he was just embellishing for story purposes and it wasn't a big deal. It was a big deal. People who think nothing of bullshitting others infront of you will think nothing of bullshitting you too. And people who lie about things they don't need to lie about, that aren't important...they lie about important things too. I suggest you read up on narcissistic personality disorder.

I also agree that he is lying about the woman and kid. It is obviously bullshit - and you know it. He's just already got you doubting your own common sense. Textbook of his sort. All his friends and family don't have amnesia either. They are either doing exactly what you did when you heard him lying to other people and keeping quiet to avoid drama OR they have no idea about this woman and child because he never mentioned them to them because they don't exist.

Stop with the 'maybes' and 'what ifs', stop making excuses for him now or you will spend your life lying to yourself about him. He appears to be lying and, if he can lie about such things- he is not right in the head, lacking in basic human empathy and you need to run for the hills.

I had a friend who made up a story about the love of her life dying tragically in a car crash just as he was driving cross country to propose to her. I,and all of her friends, know it’s a lie but somehow it’s just too big of a lie to ever challenge her on it. She lies about lots of other significant things routinely too so I suspect that if his story is a lie - and it seems like one - you’re committing to a lifetime of it if you choose to get married.

OP, is he a healthcare professional? Parts of this story are very familiar to me.

My parents died when I was 11. I'm 29 now. There's no news coverage (no idea why; I think in the grand scheme of things it wasn't "newsworthy" enough), but I know where they are buried. I don't visit often as they were hugely abusive, but I could show DP if he wanted to see.

He's obviously lying. He told the lie to make himself appear more interesting or worldly or something when you didn't know each other very well and now he is stuck with keeping it up. Maybe it was simply to explain a lack of recent girlfriends or why he seemed a bit miserable sometimes, but he didn't expect to get stuck with the story forever. You need to get to the bottom of this for your own sanity if you have any idea of staying with him, or alternatively you see this as a huge red flag and get rid.

Every death has a public notice that can be searched if you have the correct information

Can you sit him down and talk to him about this. Personally I wouldn't ever say I thought it was bullshit, what if it's not.
But say, you need to know, your future children need to know about their half sibling, you want him to feel open with you and free to grieve or honour their memory, commemorate a birthday etc.
Ask him questions, what was his child's name, what we're their interests, how old where they when they passed away etc.

He'll either open up and explain why hes been so shady, or his answers will make it obvious hes a liar. - you have to leave if he is, that is an insane thing to do.

I presume though, since you're here, there are other, bigger issues of trust that you need to tackle if you are going to stay with him anyway.

What I don't get it why his family haven't said something. You mentioned it in front of his mother and she was silent on it? Surely his mother would know if he had a dead partner and child. If he were lying then she would have said something like, 'what the heck are you talking about.'

Other than that, it's totally implausible. Nobody forgets the resting place of their loved ones. Nobody, barring dementia.

Her engagement ring worth a reasonable sum he didn't know where it was or what happened to it. When I asked, within a month or so, her dad emailed out of the blue and he asked about it. She was buried with it.

And this. As her fiancé, you'd know this all along surely? You have insisted on her being buried with it, wouldn't you? The mother of your child and no child to pass it on to.

What did ‘her dad’ say when he emailed out of the blue?

Did you see the actual email?

When someone passed away younger than expected, there is generally a big out pouring of grief among family & friends
This is probably not worded very correctly
So the wording may not be correct
It is very unusual for people who have died young, not to be spoken about, remembered in daily life & on Xmas, birthdays etc

Yes, there are a few people I can mention it to. I don't want it to be an out the blue question, I want to make it so they don't think it's odd that I am asking.

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