Husband's affair

[Norabloom]

I have been married for over 30 years. We have had rocky patches but
I thought we were OK. My husband now he tells me he has been having an affair with someone at work for a year. He was prompted to tell me because she has just left him as "she can't take the lying and deceit any more" (she's also married) and she has to put her family first.
During this year of his affair I was diagnosed with and treated for cancer. Apparently the other woman felt very bad when I got the diagnosis and stopped the affair for 2 months when he told her I was cured (!). Since then she has been meeting him at work and in pubs and in my home and sleeping in my bed.
He's now sorry and wanting to get over this and make a go of our marriage if we can. My problem (one of them) is this: I can't get over the unfairness that he gets to unburden himself, she gets to go back with her husband and happy family life, and I get to deal with all the grief, the hurt, and the righteous anger. I am 60 years old. I don't want to be on my own. I want my life I had before.
He was quite unsupportive of me throughout my treatment for cancer and now I see why. He was with this woman.
I know I shouldn't blame her, but she knows me. She has spent weekends at our house in the past. She also knew that I was terrified by the cancer diagnosis (we have lots of mutual friends). She has to be to blame as well as him (I'm well aware of what he's done). But she gets to troll off back to her unwitting family and I am left with a sad, depressed man who says he's broken and needs help. He's convinced of course that she's a sweet kind person who just got carried away. Like him - neither of them want to hurt me apparently.
I don't know why I'm writing this. I'm in pieces. Is it possible to get over this?

Via*

Lovely post @Upzadaizy

Totally disagree with MM. Yes OP had an affair 25 years ago. They separated. They then got back together later on. The H made that decision. Yo get back together and live their life. He wasn’t given an ace card to hold up his sleeve to have an affair himself at a time of his choosing.
OP none of this is on you. Your H sounds absolutely disgraceful.
He’s filling you with rubbish. His nerves?! He shouldn’t have got back with you then. He doesn’t get to hold what happened 25 years ago over your head.
The first thing I would do would be tell her husband- why should she be happy living her life?! Tell your sons - they’re adults and deserve to know what a twat their father is.
Kick him out - you don’t need to look at his smug face and listen to his bullshit.
Tell a friend- you need support IRL. Look after yourself- you didn’t deserve any of this. X

Once someone cheats on you, you might love, you might forgive themthem still but you never forget it.. I'm going to be devil's advocate here.. What if the marriage is strained/distant, they live in separate houses at times, its more friendship than love... If the husband falls in love with another woman, if he stayed with his wife because he loved her at the time and got back because of his son too. Years later when it's now stale and he's not very happy he might think of the way he was hurt in the past by his wife and question her motives for it all. He's at the stage where he's hurt and missing his lover as she must've been 25 years ago. He wanted to come clean and tell her he made a mistake and thought she'd understand. They're both too upset to act rationally now. I've noticed that MN hype the OP's up into even more anger especially if the subject's cheating but that's not going to solve anything and in this case it's probably going to throw the husband and his lover back together and ruin 2 families in the process...

He's angry because you're not doing what he wants. He wants control. Fuck him, get mad, tell everyone. Be happy without him op

But being single at 60 is NOT something to be scared of or disdainful of. You’ll be so much better off without this rather pathetic man child.
^
This. 100% this. l'm 60, l live on my own (with three rabbits) and l love my life. As Upzadaizy said, l do occasionally miss having someone to share things with. But l'm free to do what l want, without it impacting on anyone else, and l have something that is very precious. Peace of mind.
Years ago l worked with a lady who found herself in a similar situation to you. She was in her early 40s, had been with her husband since she was 17. She said "l'm not like you. l can't be on my own." Basically of the mindset that anyone is better than no-one. She's now been with someone else for nearly 10 years, and they're very settled and happy together. l don't think she could ever have imagined that happening, but it did.
You are worth so much more than this. Think ahead 10 or 20 years (l know, it's scary), and think how you'd feel if you stayed with him. Could you ever trust him? That will totally mess with your head and self esteem.
lt's very hard when you're first on your own after being with someone for a long time. But l honestly believe that with time you'll realise you've dodged a bullet. He's behaved shamefully and you deserve so much better. Sod trying to be civil. His behaviour has negated any need for that.
Don't do anything in haste, make yourself and your children your priority. And by the way, she hasn't won. You have, by seeing his true colours. You don't need people like that in your life.
Be kind to yourself, but be tough and don't let him talk you round. Your life will be so much better without him.
Good luck. Sending hugs xxx

was he being CIVIL whilst fucking someone else in the marital bed whilst you fought breast cancer NOPE..

he is a disgusting pig.. you're worth a million times more than them OP, I hope you can get through this, you ARE strong and worthy lady

He's very manipulative isn't he. I thought your message to her was perfect.

how are you feeling today x x

So sorry you are going through this OP.
I would say tell whoever you need to tell. What would be the reason for keeping his secret? It's not your secret, and you will need support IRL.
I would doubt that the OW has a perfect family life, so don't worry about that.
You are in a similar position to my sister a few years ago. She had a brief affair shortly after DC3 was born (PND???) and her H made a big show of 'forgiving' her. They never talked about it or went to counselling. 20 years later he had a huge long-lasting affair, and it became obvious that he had never forgiven her, and had carried around the hurt and resentment for years, and effectively checked out of the marriage long before the OW appeared.
I'm not saying this is what happened to you, but it does happen.

Hope you're okay OP. I went through something like this 15 years ago and I know the pain is unbearable but it does get better.

Thank you to everyone who has replied to me. WimpyMumm it is enormously encouraging to hear the pain gets better.
My husband still doesn't know that I contacted the OW and she knows that I know about their affair.
According to him "it just got out of hand". This included declarations of love. Weirdly he admits that kind of thing and then 10 minutes later says he didn't say it and I'm twisting his words.
He keeps saying "I'm amazed you didn't kick me out straightaway". He also told me that his nerves and all being so bad with the stress of his job and the illicit shagging that some months ago he told her he was going to give up his business and live alone in the country and plant trees. FFS!
I am still in very upset and can't decide what to do but he's gone to the other house now. He says he's arranged to see a therapist.
I alternate between screaming abuse at him and demanding that he tells me every revolting detail and sitting in complete silence staring at the wall.
One bad thing is that she actually works for him as a freelance person and she has been offered work with his company for the next few months. I expect that after my message to her she will turn down this work but I also wouldn't be surprised if she took it as she is obviously quite a shameless person. If she takes the work and my husband lets her I really will have to walk out of all this.

I think having an affair while you were suffering from breast cancer was really bad, but you loved another man enough to leave him and take your DS.

I do think as he said, you should I understand how affairs happen and how ppl act very deceitful and sneaky when having affairs.

Back to his affair...my concern would be it was not his choice to end it, he still has feelings for her and he told you to unburden his guilt.

She was the one who felt bad because you har cancer, not him.

I find it hard to believe that any man who can have sex with another woman while his wife is going through cancer treatment, doesn't love her.

So in spite of your affair, I would be unable to continue in the marriage for this reason. He couldn't have been thinking about your health when he was shagging her.

I would not argue that your affair didn't give him anxiety or make him become nervous... that's not the issue atm though.

but you loved another man enough to leave him and take your DS.

this was 25 years ago.. her Husband forgave her and they moved on... it's unfair of him to then use this 25 years later as a reason for the affair.

Your affair 25 years ago is not relevant as you divorced then got back together again. Whatever happen before you stopped being responsible the minute the pair of you started a new relationship.

I think he felt incredibly bad that I had cancer actually. I just think that his affair was more important for whatever reason.
I am also willing to believe that my illness made OW feel bad. However I am not prepared to believe that she (or he) really thought it was OK to resume their affair after waiting a few weeks to see if I was 'cured'.
He has told me she was just a kind friend who listened to his troubles and sympathised. I can't really buy that.

I think you send the husband a letter detailing everything

It is coming across as he wants you to tell her DH so they break up and she gets to paint you as the bitch? And they get together? we had an affair so did she? He apologies he was lost and awful whilst she was having treatment? We just fell
Into it etc? Can anyone else see how she or he can twist this?

Be on your own at 60 get a big dog ?or a little dog realise that you 30
Odd years to be really really happy 60 is amazing - no children responsibilities, no periods, financial security and you can do whatever you want!

No he definitely doesn't want me to tell her DH! and I am not going to do that. I don't feel strong enough atm to deal with anyone else's pain or anyone else's anything! I have told her I know and I am really glad I did that. It's now up to her how she deals with it.
I could be alone at 60 (I already have a very sweet dog!) and perhaps I will be but I have to get through this and feel better first.
I am worried about his mental health now (he's crying and saying he can't be alone etc) and also resentful it's an issue, but I guess there are 2 sides to everything and there must have been something I was doing or not doing wrong. I obviously wasn't a kind listener. My question about OW is whether it's true as he maintains that she is just kind friend who overstepped a line.

there must have been something I was doing or not doing wrong.

Why do you say this? Was this the case when you had you affair?

It's not about you not doing something, it could simply be he enjoyed the attention and getting his ego boosted.

What ppl need to remember here, is you are the same 2 ppl even though you divorced and remarried.

Yes he forgave you, but he hasn't forgotten and it's not like he has used your affair over your head for the last 25 years is it?

I don't think it was revenge on his part, he's simply trying to find an excuse to justify his behaviour like most ppl in affairs do. It's a natural defence mechanism of human beings.

He seems sad now, but he's feeling sorry for himself, not for what he did to you. It seems he misses her and that's causing his sadness. He's still saying what a good person she is and that would piss me off, but if he says she's bad, then that makes him worse.

I'd just find an affair while I was so ill unforgivable tbh.
That sex with an OW was more important than me, would be a point of no return.

Normally, my opinion is if one person cheated first, they should be equally forgiving, but the cancer changes everything for me.

Perhaps time and space apart will help you gain more clarity on this, but it's a tought situation.

Given you had an affair all those years ago, why are you not able to process your emotions the same way your DH did all those years ago. Sounds like therapy might be in order for you both

Sorry I can't be more sympathetic- your situation doesn't bring it out in me

It’s not you. It’s not what you’ve done.

You are not responsible for his actions or mental well-being.

Look after yourself.

It is amazing how he has manipulated you into diminishing yourself. You are now colluding with him to blame yourself and feel sorry for him.

If my husband “felt incredibly bad” that I had cancer, he wouldn’t have sex with another woman in my bed.

there must have been something I was doing or not doing wrong.

Right OP I’m going to swear at you .. how FUCKING dare you blame yourself!!! Don’t you FUCKING dare blame yourself! Nothing, and I mean NOTHING warrants anyone having an affair. AND you had cancer for fuck sake, he’s a revolting human! You are soooo out of order blaming yourself! Now give yourself and kick up the arse please and never EVER think like that again.

My ex had an affair, I spend months thinking if only I was thin enough, if only I’d given him more sex, if only I was younger, if only I’d taken more off him, if only I’d given him more money etc etc, he’d not have had an affair. I said this to a friend and she quiet eloquently said ‘whoknew’ You could have farted rainbow dust and been/done all those things, and he’d still have had an affair! You know why? Because he’s a cunt!

That was my lightbulb moment

Given you had an affair all those years ago, why are you not able to process your emotions the same way your DH did all those years ago. Sounds like therapy might be in order for you both

Sorry I can't be more sympathetic- your situation doesn't bring it out in me

You think OP deserves this ?