Husband's affair

[Norabloom]

I have been married for over 30 years. We have had rocky patches but
I thought we were OK. My husband now he tells me he has been having an affair with someone at work for a year. He was prompted to tell me because she has just left him as "she can't take the lying and deceit any more" (she's also married) and she has to put her family first.
During this year of his affair I was diagnosed with and treated for cancer. Apparently the other woman felt very bad when I got the diagnosis and stopped the affair for 2 months when he told her I was cured (!). Since then she has been meeting him at work and in pubs and in my home and sleeping in my bed.
He's now sorry and wanting to get over this and make a go of our marriage if we can. My problem (one of them) is this: I can't get over the unfairness that he gets to unburden himself, she gets to go back with her husband and happy family life, and I get to deal with all the grief, the hurt, and the righteous anger. I am 60 years old. I don't want to be on my own. I want my life I had before.
He was quite unsupportive of me throughout my treatment for cancer and now I see why. He was with this woman.
I know I shouldn't blame her, but she knows me. She has spent weekends at our house in the past. She also knew that I was terrified by the cancer diagnosis (we have lots of mutual friends). She has to be to blame as well as him (I'm well aware of what he's done). But she gets to troll off back to her unwitting family and I am left with a sad, depressed man who says he's broken and needs help. He's convinced of course that she's a sweet kind person who just got carried away. Like him - neither of them want to hurt me apparently.
I don't know why I'm writing this. I'm in pieces. Is it possible to get over this?

Rumpledofthebailey - exactly what I did. I would tell anyone don’t think it won’t happen again, in my experience it does! I have wasted so much time, tears, mental health and so called friends over it.

Zakana- yes.. that’s why I really want to share that. Life is good now, but I'm still traumatised after the years of trying to make it work.

I singularly ignored all such advice but so so wish I hadn’t.

Rubbish, innit? 💐

It's despicable he had an affair. It's worse that he failed to support you through cancer. But it's absolutely taking the biscuit that he wants YOU to sympathise and suport him going through his heartbreak. Absolutely do nothing of the sort, op. He deserves to feel the pain. If he says he's hurting, ask him how he thinks you're feeling.

He didn't end the affair, she did. He's only telling you now to make himself feel better.
Honestly, i can't imagine the pain you're going through.
Sending you hugs and strength x

Rumpled - me too lol, and when you are going through it, it feels like it’s only happened to you!

OP you will get though this, I promise, I’m not going to pretend it’s easy whatever avenue you decide to take from now on, but knowledge is some power at least. Just try not to waste time, years and years, flogging a dead horse.

Hugs to you and Rumpled xx

He can’t continue to beat you over the head about an affair 25 years ago. Don’t even let that interfere with your decision.

Tbh I’d tell her dh. Kick your dh out whilst you decide what to do. You have no responsibility for his mental health

Don’t tell him that you messaged her. I have a feeling you’re about to find out if they’re still in touch.

You know you don’t have to have him in the house? I’d tell him to leave if I were you. Give yourself some space.

He’s a prick. Yeah, you were a prick too 25 years ago but he didn’t have to get back together with you! One doesn’t cancel out the other!

OP I have a lot of sympathy for you. My wife had a nine month affair which also included using our bed. I stayed with her because kids were going through exams at the time and she had serious MH issues which made things very complicated. It has got easier over time, but only because I buried (and still keep a lid on) a lot of anger, resentment and sadness. I think I've got very good at compartmentalising.

I honestly think if I had been 60 with grown up children I would have left but clearly that will need to be your own decision and I wouldn't be swayed too much by MN responses which can tend to look at things a little one dimensionally e.g. "get out and take him for everything you can" etc. You have repaired (you thought) your marriage before, so you will be best placed to work out if you think you can, or want to do that, again.

I confronted the other man, but I never contacted his wife, so he got away with it. This still really bugs me, and I still think about letting her know but four years on I would probably look a bit weird. What's stopped me is I know things would blow up all over again and I don't want that for my children.

If you want to tell her husband, I would do it soon, as you have all the justification in the world right now. Less so perhaps in years to come. I think this aspect, that their family life remains intact, will continue to eat away at me and I know it's affected my self esteem, feeling that I never 'got even'. I know that sounds a big aggressive maybe, but I'm just being honest.

He’s actually just said that what I did to him 25 years ago was far worse because he was ‘thrown out’ (it was actually my flat) and we had a 5 year old son.
He has also said that he and she did a horrible thing but he still has feelings for her although he realises he has to stop thinking about her.
All this - but also it’s up to me what will happen apparently. It’s all up to me.

It’s not you though, it’s him.. it’s crap to make you feel responsible

@Zakana I don't think your mum did you a kindness, telling you that the father you just mourned was actually a cheating bastard. I had a similar situation when I was 16 and my Grandpa died very unexpectedly. I adored him (and my Grandma) but my mum chose to tell me at this time that he had been physically abusive to my Grandma and my mum and her siblings when she was a child. It confused the shit out of me and made me feel like I shouldn't be grieving for him because actually he was a bastard. (Many years later I strongly suspect he wasn't abusive to the degree my mother claimed - she has form for massively exaggerating or just making shit up.)

OP, sorry you're married to a shit. As you have two properties, can you agree for the next week that you'll live separately, so you can have some time and space to think about what you want? Use that time to seek legal advice, but also to lean on friends. At times like these you really find out who your friends are.

I used to work with victims of rape and abuse and we always said "The only person who benefits from silence is the abuser."
Different situation here, but your silence is only going to benefit him and her, whilst isolating you from sources of support.

Do your DC know about your affair 25yrs ago? I assume your eldest does as you mention moving in with another guy.

Hearing this will be painful for them, but I firmly believe that the truth is ultimately less hurtful than lies.

Just kick the useless twat out again!

I would leave him. It will be hard of course, but your 60! That’s so young to think you could have another 20-30 years with this person. Or you could try and meet someone who’s treats you right! My grandad is 85 and has a girlfriend. I hope you’re in the clear for the cancer now xx

Yes my son knows. He’s surprisingly ok about it. He just said ‘you did the best thing going back to dad’ and he and I are very close. Unfortunately he lives abroad but I know he would be very upset about this. I will only tell him when and if because it’s too raw and volatile now for him to know at the moment. My husband keeps saying “what do you want? Do you want to tell her husband? Ok tell him but then everybody will know.” I actually think he’s gone a bit mad. What on earth did he think was going to happen when he told me?

I mean my so knows about my affair 25 years ago. Not this one!

Tell everyone, the twat.

We all make mistakes, we learn from them by sometimes experiencing the same things we have done to others. The fact is its ended, he wants to be with you and feels sad and mean for doing this to you. Perhaps you could both go to counselling together to see if you can work through it and save the marriage but for now it's so new and raw that you're angry and hurt. Give it time, hug each other and try to comfort each other. X

Fuck that Kazzz

Furious - no didn’t make me feel at all like that, just made a load of sense of weird stuff that had been happening up until that time in our household. I am very much and have always been a person that would rather know the truth, and deal with it from there. The truth to me is so important. And what my mum told me was actually not coloured by her feelings, but was the truth, and she didn’t really choose then specifically to tell me what an asshole my dad had been, it sort of came out because loads of extended family came to the funeral and stayed with us afterwards, the truth will out so to speak, which it did. Not the best time but hey ho, life goes on.

OP, be strong and know that you are not in the wrong. Whatever you decide to do, just make sure it’s your decision, not his. He doesn’t get to call the shots anymore.

Hugs xx

Don't stay with him just because you don't want to be alone. You potentially have 20 or 30 years ahead of you and deserve to be happy. You can meet someone else.

Is it possible he told you so that you would tell her husband so that she would leave him?

Yes I may be 60 but I’m bloody gorgeous!
Anyway she’s just deleted all her social media accounts.
I do hope she’s feeling the fear.

She may have just blocked you on social media, rather than deleting them.
Deleting them would lead to people asking her questions as to why, I should imagine.

I’m sorry this has happened and your husband has behaved in such a shitty way.

Anyway she’s just deleted all her social media accounts

I suspect she’s just blocked you so you can’t out her.

I would tell your children, then tell everyone you know that while you were in hospital being treated for breast cancer, they took the opportunity to fuck in your bed.

You have two houses, make him live in the other one. He’s the lowest of the low, and she’s not much better.

Absolutely tell everyone, what a pair of despicable shits.

I guess for whether your marriage can last or not , I just know that in your shoes if my ‘d’h got cancer ten years from now, I wouldn’t have forgotten this. I’d be all ‘oh terrifying possibly terminal illness? This is my cue to check out emotionally, as far as I understand the rules of our marriage work. you’re on your own with this one.’ Very cold hearted but I would definitely feel that way.

And he sounds awful, trying to blame this on you. I’d have to leave because I couldn’t stay.

Yes I reckon she’s just blocked you.

OP. How would you feel about asking your husband to move out for a month, to give you both some headspace to process this?