Husband's affair

[Norabloom]

I have been married for over 30 years. We have had rocky patches but
I thought we were OK. My husband now he tells me he has been having an affair with someone at work for a year. He was prompted to tell me because she has just left him as "she can't take the lying and deceit any more" (she's also married) and she has to put her family first.
During this year of his affair I was diagnosed with and treated for cancer. Apparently the other woman felt very bad when I got the diagnosis and stopped the affair for 2 months when he told her I was cured (!). Since then she has been meeting him at work and in pubs and in my home and sleeping in my bed.
He's now sorry and wanting to get over this and make a go of our marriage if we can. My problem (one of them) is this: I can't get over the unfairness that he gets to unburden himself, she gets to go back with her husband and happy family life, and I get to deal with all the grief, the hurt, and the righteous anger. I am 60 years old. I don't want to be on my own. I want my life I had before.
He was quite unsupportive of me throughout my treatment for cancer and now I see why. He was with this woman.
I know I shouldn't blame her, but she knows me. She has spent weekends at our house in the past. She also knew that I was terrified by the cancer diagnosis (we have lots of mutual friends). She has to be to blame as well as him (I'm well aware of what he's done). But she gets to troll off back to her unwitting family and I am left with a sad, depressed man who says he's broken and needs help. He's convinced of course that she's a sweet kind person who just got carried away. Like him - neither of them want to hurt me apparently.
I don't know why I'm writing this. I'm in pieces. Is it possible to get over this?

@forfeckssake I know exactly what you mean about feeling DH not having repercussions if you stay and ‘mend marriage’. I too am struggling with the injustice of having to put in all the work to make things OK when this is is not of my making. I just try and think that he is being punished actually because he knows he has majorly screwed things up and upset me and threatened the happiness of his children and he still doesn’t have any certainty about the future.
Although having said all that it doesn’t seem like punishment enough for him!!I just think that all these years of being together happily, the peace of mind of our children etc. are hard for me to walk away from. It seems too much to have be so strong and together when you feel so broken but I know from friends who have gone through similar situations that it can be done. One friend told me it took about 5 years for her to feel really ok with her DH after his affair but now she she barely ever thinks about it and he’s always been fat too remorseful to ever do it again. But yeah fuck these men for doing this to us.

I've only just read this thread, and I'm so indignant on your behalf! I did laugh though at my misreading of your last post as saying your friend's husband was too fat to bother her .

I think you did the right thing to email OW's husband, good for you. My own DH has been an absolute rock for me going through breast cancer, and I can only imagine how devastating it is to be so betrayed in that situation. It's easy for all of us to wish you'd kick him out, but I respect that you want to work through this at your own pace. I don't think I could forgive him though.

Yes, it is hard to think of dismantling the whole structure of your life. I think if I was a young woman in this position , I would have ended the marriage. At least I would have an opportunity to start over.
One redeeming thing is that DH never tried to justify himself , appears to be genuinely remorseful. It is all my choice what happens now.

And the OW is beyond despicable. How could she ? Would love to hear what conversations she is having with her DH. And how she will explain herself to yiur mutual friends. What a complete and utter immoral bitch.

It’s all leaking out now. DH not that happy at having to face friends although says he’ll own up to what he’s done. I don’t know what she’ll say to people especially as people so far seem more sympathetic to her DH than her (surprise!).

your friend's husband was too fat to bother her No thats mine and he's ex and he cheated.

My DH says he just wants us to separate until we are calm enough to discuss the affair etc and the way forward in our marriage without ending up in screaming rows. Then he thinks we’ll eventually get over all this and all will be well

What an utter cunt.

He sounds like a pathetic self serving little barstard. Personally I would destroy him for this and her. But that's just me. The other thing you have to remember is she ended it with him, had she not done that, they would still be seeing each other as he didn't want to break up with her. Also if he thinks an affair you had 25 years ago justifies his affair, he will also think that it justifies any future affairs for him.

Read your posts back and count how many times you use the word HE

I think that you telling your husband that you were going to tell her was a huge mistake (forewarned is forearmed, etc.) and the reason he asked for 24 hours notice was so that he could warn her and give her a heads up. It's quite possible that her husband is in blissful ignorance because he doesn't actually know and that's why he's posting pics of their holiday on social media. You need to play your cards close to your chest. I would write to him with proof so she can't talk her way out of it (get a recording of your husband discussing the affair/screen shots of any texts or emails he has sent her/tell the husband if he needs further details you will be happy to supply them - make it absolutely concrete in the husband's mind that this actually happened ) and send it to him at his home, his work and via social media. Then rinse and repeat a month later to make absolutely sure that he received it. I would also tell hers and yours mutual friends. Then sit back and enjoy the fallout. Take yourself off on holiday and forget about it.

It is quite possible that she is accessing his emails/social media and deleted it when it came through. I had a male friend who had an extremely obsessive and unhinged girlfriend who grew jealous of our friendship and other females he was friends with. He contacted me via his email to discuss how unhappy he was and I advised him to leave her, if the situation continued. Well low and behold, she wrote to me via his email account to abuse me and call me every name under the sun. I tried to contact him by phone and text and could not get through (she hid the phone and let him think he had lost it). The point I am trying to make is it's not difficult to intercept another person's communication via email or social media. You only need to log in to their accounts and change the password and then periodically log in to access and delete any messages you don't like the look of.

Your DH could have told her and she might have been able to intercept the email. I have my DH log ons (and he mine) though we don't use them.

What do you actually want ? Do you want him back ? I personally couldn't forgive this, when you where at your lowest he chose to shag her!

Hi Nora. THis might be long!! I am 5 years the other side of my 'D'H's affair. Unlike your H, mine chose to leave, and I wasn't given the choices you have now. I'm not sure that was easier or harder, but it does make our situations different.

I still mourn the life I thought I had, and the one that, at this stage of my life, I thought I'd be having (we were married 28 years, together 32, planning retirement etc). It's really normal, I think, to feel bamboozled, and confused, and doubtful about what you now want. Personally, when I thought my H might go, I started some therapy to try and discover what I wanted, so even if he did decide to stay, did I want the marriage to continue, and how did I want it to change (because we were both unhappy)? I didn't get the chance to choose, but the therapy helped me come to terms, a bit, with what happened. I also got legal advice so I had some clue about finances, and my position post-divorce-my aim was to make it less frightening by knowing some facts, rather than relying on my fears.

I just really wanted to say, I know you, and anyone else in the situation, are scared about the future, and it feels right now as if wanting your marriage to continue is the best option. But if that doesn't happen, through your or someone else's choice, you WILL be ok. It won't be the same, for sure, and your life will be different. SOme of that difference will be good, some will be bad, and sometimes, good or bad, it's painful to compare the old and the new. But it will be ok, you will be ok. I wouldn't have chosen for my marriage to break up, but I can see now that if we were both to be happy, BOTH of us had to change. And my H was not a changing sort of person. I try to be careful to miss the reality of what I had, and not the dream of what I thought I had, if that makes sense.

Your original question was, is it possible to get over this. And I htink it is, but you have been betrayed in the most horrid way by both your H and by the OW and that will take time to assimilate. And to get over it, you BOTH have to want to, and your H has to accept that you might want lots of information, and you expect him to be truthful from now on. One of my underlying concerns was, how would I know he was truthful going forward? COuld I ever trust in the same way I had, knowing what I now know? Reading your posts, your H seems not to be contrite, or to have accepted his part in the trashing of your relationship and that, to me, would be an issue. But I am not here to tell you what you should or shouldn't do, just to suggest that you take time to work out what YOU want, what you expect from him from now on, and to say, you will be ok, you will learn to accommodate what's happened. I genuinely hope this helps.

Sorry, when I say you and everyone else in the situation, I DON''T mean your specific situation (ie your H, the OW, her H) I mean everyone else who sadly finds themselves in a position where they discover their partner's infidelity!

@theocargogoesto thank you for your post. I am tremendous comforted to think I’ll be ok whatever happens. I don’t know what I want right now. It’s all too raw and horrible. But I’m sure that one day I will know and then I will know what to do.
I’m fortunate in that there’s a lot of money (although most of its his at the moment). I just feel awful about all the years and he things we have shared.

theocargogoesto Yes thanks for that post. Think it is very different for women if they are older and in a long term marriage. Glad to hear you are OK , it is good to know that there is light at the end.Although 5 years ! Seems so long.

• @Norabloom* .How are things .Are you getting any RL support? You haven't mentioned anyone who have been able to confide in.

@forfeckssake yes thank you I have some RL support now. I am seeing a therapist and I have confided in my 3 closest friends. It was a massive relief to be able to tell them. Although the more people that know the more there’s no going back of course.
The therapist is helping with the anger.
Like you I think it makes a big difference if this happens to you when you are older. It’s a terrible shock - I would never have thought my DH would even dream of doing this at age 60 and we seemed to be having such a nice life. Although I now realise it was just me having a nice life and he was unhappy. Anyway he’s undermined it all and I just don’t know what was true or false any more. I have to get over that.
But at this age I have so much invested in my marriage and all my family relationships. It makes leaving hard.
Do you have RL support @forfeckssake? I hope you do.

Like you I think it makes a big difference if this happens to you when you are older. It’s a terrible shock - I would never have thought my DH would even dream of doing this at age 60 and we seemed to be having such a nice life. Although I now realise it was just me having a nice life and he was unhappy. Anyway he’s undermined it all and I just don’t know what was true or false any more. I have to get over that.

There's a few different ways of looking at this . He hasn't undermined ALL of your marriage as he wasn't always like this . He has just changed ( become a knob) as some people do .

Also it is a long marriage so you will be entitled to at least 50% of your assets . This is important too . The future you thought you were going to have is no longer that one and that does take time to get used to . Fear is a common feeling at times like this . What will become of me ? etc

I also get the thing about the "friend" thing as it happened to me too . You wonder how people who know you can do that to you .

Time is a healer but I won't lie it takes a long time. I've been through what you are experiencing and my Ex H did me a huge favour . I am now with a man who worships the ground I walk on . My life at this age has started a whole new chapter and I enjoy every single minute of it as opposed to my marriage . You are at the start of a difficult journey but do not let yourself be hampered by this weak man any longer . Good luck !

Although the more people that know the more there’s no going back of course.
That's not true - decent friends will still support you if you decide to stay.

@Norabloom and @Ferfeckssake: there is hope and it hasn't taken all the 5 years!! That said, some things still blind-side me. I think, and you touched on it Nora, that the fact there is so much shared history makes it harder to accept this has happened now (why now, for goodness sake, when the kids are older and more independent, we have more freedom to do the things we said we'd do?) and for me, that there was so much history meant the marriage was worth saving. 2 things: my H felt differently. And second, perhaps more importantly, that history for me means what they owe you is truth and dignity (even in the exit if that's what eventually happens). YOu are and I was worth more than lies, deceit and dissembling. WOuld I have my H back: not a chance. Do I wish this hadn't happened and we were in a marriage we both knew, satisfactory or otherwise, well, there I am a bit more ambivalent. But again, I wasn't given the chance to see if what was wrong was repairable, and you may both have that opportunity. Dare I say I suspect that might be a double edged sword?

Nora, even if there's money, get advice now, and get proof of that now. I'm not saying your H won't behave wonderfully and generously if it comes to it, but I am saying, don't take that chance.

@Theoscargoesto and @TheStuffedPenguin thank you for your posts. I am encouraged by thinking it will be alright in the end but I seem to be having more bad days than good ones at the moment. I feel a bit calmer and then it all comes flooding back and I’m in total despair again. I wish I had the courage to just tell DH it’s all over and I’m off but I just don’t feel calm enough to do that with the proper heart if you know what I mean. It feels dangerous to make such a huge decision in the state I’m in. But equally this horrible limbo also feels like it’s destroying me. It really is an awful time of my life. At least some people in RL know now which is better not least OW and her DH - which makes me feel better.

@Norabloom: that is entirely normal, I think. Just tuck away that you have so far survived 100% of your worst days. At some point that balance of bad and good changes. Remember you got through the last one, and that helps give confidence that you will get through the next.
Yes I do understand, it feels like making any decision in the midst of so much turmoil isn't sensible. That is how therapy can be helpful I think, to explore genuine wants and reasons for them and recognise that some of what holds any of us back is fear of the unknown.

I empathise, I really do, with the awful time. Friends are good, I found the Samaritans helpful too-a non-judgmental ear at 3 a.m. can be a blessing. You are welcome to PM me if you'd like.

• @Norabloom* Yes ,I do have RL support. I actually discussed it today with a visiting friend . For the first time , I was able to talk about it almost dispassionately. Such a cliche but time does truly change things. And I am once again facing another youngish death of a friend in her 50s. Truly puts things in perspective. This may prove to be the end of my marriage. But as theoscargoesto said I do actually think I will be OK.

On a completely different note , I read theoscargoesto as "Theos cargoes to".!
Very Joycean.

I am 60 years old. I don't want to be on my own.

In your shoes, I would love to be on my own. It could be the making of you. You are only 60. You can travel. You can take up hobbies. Every time I have taken up a hobby or done a course, I have met nice, interesting people. And the occasional nice guy who, if I were single, I may well have pursued.

Your life's not over, babe - it's just beginning.

@Ferfeckssake much more prosaic, sorry to disappoint!!