Husband's affair

[Norabloom]

I have been married for over 30 years. We have had rocky patches but
I thought we were OK. My husband now he tells me he has been having an affair with someone at work for a year. He was prompted to tell me because she has just left him as "she can't take the lying and deceit any more" (she's also married) and she has to put her family first.
During this year of his affair I was diagnosed with and treated for cancer. Apparently the other woman felt very bad when I got the diagnosis and stopped the affair for 2 months when he told her I was cured (!). Since then she has been meeting him at work and in pubs and in my home and sleeping in my bed.
He's now sorry and wanting to get over this and make a go of our marriage if we can. My problem (one of them) is this: I can't get over the unfairness that he gets to unburden himself, she gets to go back with her husband and happy family life, and I get to deal with all the grief, the hurt, and the righteous anger. I am 60 years old. I don't want to be on my own. I want my life I had before.
He was quite unsupportive of me throughout my treatment for cancer and now I see why. He was with this woman.
I know I shouldn't blame her, but she knows me. She has spent weekends at our house in the past. She also knew that I was terrified by the cancer diagnosis (we have lots of mutual friends). She has to be to blame as well as him (I'm well aware of what he's done). But she gets to troll off back to her unwitting family and I am left with a sad, depressed man who says he's broken and needs help. He's convinced of course that she's a sweet kind person who just got carried away. Like him - neither of them want to hurt me apparently.
I don't know why I'm writing this. I'm in pieces. Is it possible to get over this?

[ahtellthee]

He is being a major twat. How dare he push responsibility of this on to you??? You are not responsible, regardless of any history.

Personally I would (try to) stay calm now, find out what you can about finances and then kick him out.

Because he's a twat and you deserve better.

[Norabloom]

Thanks for this. Are you actually my husband?

[Norabloom]

That was for the person who told me to get therapy because they couldn’t somehow feel any sympathy.

[TryingToCope101]

Quite right OP. There some vicious people on MN - ignore it.

If I can give my opinion for what it’s worth, your previous affair can have no bearing on what he has done to you. I am saying this from someone who is currently trying to rebuild a relationship with a H who had an affair last year.

I can assure you that a) I would never have an affair myself - not that I believe I ever would have anyway- because I now know first hand how devastating it is and I could never do that to someone else. And b) If I do decide I can rebuild a relationship- like you did with your H - then it goes without saying that his affair has to be no-go territory. Not something to be thrown back in his face - I don’t somehow feel entitled to have an affair because he has?! In my eyes, you may be able to rescue your relationship if you want to eventually, but the reasons he has given you to date are not acceptable.

Hope you are ok. X

[Norabloom]

Thanks for your messages. Tryingtocope I’m sorry you are dealing with this too.
It’s very hard going to work and acting like You are completely fine. Apart from being a mental wreck I’ve developed a big red swollen eye and I’ve aged 10 years (getting a lot thinner though!).
I saw a therapist today. It was helpful although all I did was rant. DH asked how it went and I just said “it was great. I just screamed in anger for 50 minutes and the therapist looked alarmed and asked me if I had thoughts of harming myself or others and I said not myself just others.” He apologised for being the reason I needed therapy and I told him to eff off.
The anger feels better than the despair tbh.
I’m just waiting to find out if OW takes that job with DH company knowing I’m aware of their behaviour.
I’m also getting my financial ducks in a row as much as I can (luckily DH accountant is my old friend from university).
DH still unaware I messaged OW. She must now think she’s safe I guess as I haven’t told her husband or anyone. But I realise I don’t have to do anything in a hurry, and I’m still so glad I messaged her. Thanks.

[supersop60]

Anger is very empowering OP. You have every right to be pissed off.
It sounds like your H is having a midlife crisis. Not excusing his behaviour in any way. It happens to some people. It's also not your responsibility to help him through it, and anyway, you can't.
Just take care of yourself, and go dark on him. Tosser.

[BornInGlasgow]

Your house? YOUR bed?! Fuck that shit. What a cunt!

[CrotchetyQuaver]

I dont think what happened 25 years ago has any relevance to now. It was a truly shitty thing to shag some other woman in your bed whilst you were being treated for cancer.
Stuff your husbands wishes and tell the other bloke for goodness sake. He has a right to know what's going on. Ignore your husbands weeping and wailing he has no right to ask you to do anything now. If he's serious about trying to make amends then no way should that woman freelance for his business for starters.

[Norabloom]

Oh God - she has turned down the job at his company. I told him I’d messaged her. He got v upset as he had wanted to meet her himself to tell her that I knew and to finish with her “properly”. Now she’ll hate him!! FFS. I think he’s just put out I’ve got rid of her for him (as he sees it). What is this?

[Norabloom]

Oh and apparently I only had a little bit of cancer and was being hysterical about it.

[Norabloom]

What has happened to him? He’s always been a kind, sweet man. I can hardly recognise him.

[Notcoolmum]

Oh OP. He really has no remorse or concern for your feelings does he? It’s a definite LTB from me 💐

[Norabloom]

Yes I know! The problem is he is saying he’s mentally ill. I can’t chuck him out if he’s having a breakdown. Although I’m a rather unsympathetic nurse.

[mollysshadow]

Oh he's such a victim isn't he, woe is me. It's unraveling and he's panicking. What an utter twat.

[VaselineHero]

He's lost control of the situation from both sides now. You and OW are deciding things and he is no longer the prince and the golden prick, loved and admired by two women.

Don't fall for the mental health issues or attempts to blame you, they are just more tactics to regain control.

[RiversDisguise]

I would expose both of them. They are despicable.

[Kazzz65]

Ask him why he had the affair.
Why did you have your affair all those years ago?
'Let he who is without sin cast the first stone....'

[AgentPeggyCarter]

A little bit of cancer.

He’s not mentally ill. He is a twat.

[whatthehe11]

You only had a bit of cancer?! I'd be bloody petty retort with you don't believe he's struggling mentally. Bloody cheek!

[SandyY2K]

A bit of cancer! And you were being hysterical about it?

Yeah...that would be the final nail in the coffin for me.

Talk about no remorse. Shocking. Just shocking.

[WhoKnewBeefStew]

Yes you can kick him out if he’s mentally ill! Again, that’s his issue ...

My ex blamed his ‘mental health’ after trying to strangle me, told all his mates I’d luckier him out when he was ill 🤒 fuck what people think... do what’s right for you Op

[Norabloom]

I am so angry right now. It’s all about him.i am going to get out of this but I am going to be clever. I need to end up with the money and the moral high ground.
I can’t believe this had happened he was always such a kind dad. I am not going to let him or OW take my happiness or my family.

[Norabloom]

Please don’t think I am all about the money. I don’t care about that but I do care that they felt free to use my house and my bed and I don’t want them to have any material advantage. I feel like they thought I was a sad little pushover. DH said this morning “I am shocked you messaged her. You are not that sort of person”. What sort of person I said. The sort who wants revenge he replied. Ha ha. I hope she’s still crapping herself.

[VaselineHero]

Can you go and see a solicitor and find out where you stand financially?

[Norabloom]

I tell you something - if I end up with his money he will be totally amazed. Because I’m also not THAT sort of woman apparently