Husband's affair

[Norabloom]

I have been married for over 30 years. We have had rocky patches but
I thought we were OK. My husband now he tells me he has been having an affair with someone at work for a year. He was prompted to tell me because she has just left him as "she can't take the lying and deceit any more" (she's also married) and she has to put her family first.
During this year of his affair I was diagnosed with and treated for cancer. Apparently the other woman felt very bad when I got the diagnosis and stopped the affair for 2 months when he told her I was cured (!). Since then she has been meeting him at work and in pubs and in my home and sleeping in my bed.
He's now sorry and wanting to get over this and make a go of our marriage if we can. My problem (one of them) is this: I can't get over the unfairness that he gets to unburden himself, she gets to go back with her husband and happy family life, and I get to deal with all the grief, the hurt, and the righteous anger. I am 60 years old. I don't want to be on my own. I want my life I had before.
He was quite unsupportive of me throughout my treatment for cancer and now I see why. He was with this woman.
I know I shouldn't blame her, but she knows me. She has spent weekends at our house in the past. She also knew that I was terrified by the cancer diagnosis (we have lots of mutual friends). She has to be to blame as well as him (I'm well aware of what he's done). But she gets to troll off back to her unwitting family and I am left with a sad, depressed man who says he's broken and needs help. He's convinced of course that she's a sweet kind person who just got carried away. Like him - neither of them want to hurt me apparently.
I don't know why I'm writing this. I'm in pieces. Is it possible to get over this?

[IKnowYouAndYouCannotSing]

Ergh. I’m so sorry OP. What an utter bastard.

Just wanted to pick up on something you said upthread because it rang a bell with me. When I was a teenager I had an affir with my married teacher. Not my finest hour but it started when I was 14 and I was a fucking idiot, I wouldn’t do it now and I feel very badly for what I did to his wife although with a lot of therapy I’ve realised he was a creepy borderline paedophile.

However when it all came to light she was incredibly upset that we had had sex in her bed (understandably). We had this massive showdown where she said she couldn’t believe he had done that and he said that a) we didn’t do it in the bed that many times (which was untrue, he must have shagged me 1,000 times over the years in that bed) and b) used the exact words “so don't think we were at it like rabbits". Reading it there in your thread literally made the hairs stand up on the back of my neck. This is clearly what they all say, the fucking wankers.

My one ended up being allowed back by his wife for some unknown reason. They’re still together 25yrs later and I’ve heard on the grapevine over the years that he’s still fucking school girls in his spare time, he’s just got better at hiding it. Your husband sounds like a cold, callous bastard not only for doing it but for doing it while you had cancer, lying to the mistress about the cancer and then trying to blame you. It’s so awful it’s borderline comical- it’s certainly unbelievable.

You can definitely do better than this poor excuse for a man.

[SunshineCake]

When he agreed to give your marriage another go 25 years ago you started a afresh. He doesn't get to use it against you anymore and shut him down every time. His nerves are not shot. He's thinking of things he can say that you can't prove that will play on your emotions. At the very least I'd kick him out for a while. Make him shit himself. I'd tell her husband too. What a bitch.

[IvanaPee]

God he really doesn’t care about you, does he?

Don’t waste your time with this fucking bastard anymore!

[mollysshadow]

Absolutely tell her husband

[BumbleBeee69]

I agree.. tell everyone

[TryingToCope101]

Tell her husband!! Honestly, he deserves to know the truth. X

[TryingToCope101]

Should add that my H told me about his affair the week before Christmas- already said I contacted OW and her DH immediately but also broke the news to his stepmum and dad later that week, who told his mum. He he was too ashamed to tell them and I was sick of having to pretend I was still having them over for Christmas dinner. I didn’t see why I had to uphold the facade. The truth will out so best you get in there first- and it’s not going to do you any damage as no one will ever think badly of anyone but him and her! X

[PlinkPlink]

and if I tell her husband I am afraid I will be responsible for a lot of heartbreak all round

No no no.

The ones responsible for the heartbreak are the ones who decided to cheat.

This seems like a patriarchy thing that has been around for years. It's a Male thing it or at least, I've only ever heard it come from a man (happy to be told otherwise).

Making you feel guilty for telling the OW's OH despite it being his (and her) actions being the whole reason for the hurt in the first place. It's a control thing.
Place all the blame and guilt onto you so you keep quiet.

Disgusting tactic.

Tell the husband. You will never get your old life back, I'm afraid. The trust has completely gone.

[Whisky2014]

Fucking right I'd tell her husband

[mollysshadow]

You are not responsible, that's just trying to guilt trip you into hiding his shitty behaviour. No one would ever think you were to blame.

[wheresthehope]

Tell everyone then put a whole page spread in your local newspaper incase some people didn't findout!
Then post an add looking for somewhere for him to live then kick his miserable gaslighting ass out!

[MMmomDD]

I am sorry OP for where you are.

However - if there was a man on here who’d said he’d had an affair 5 years into marriage, and with a small child involved - he’d be crucified on here. And his W would be told to never take him back. And ‘once a cheater’ would have been mentioned a few times.
And - given that you were married back then - your H was ‘kicked out’ - marital property is jointly owned. And he missed out on his kid growing up.
But you know all this; that’s why you that the history is relevant here.
It doesn’t excuse him. But time duration doesn’t excuse you either.

So - the question isn’t who is more to blame. But rather - what now.
Just because he forgave you back then - doesn’t mean that you should. People are different.
If you want to try to move on and fix things - you need to take a bit of time while the pain in most intense and not act on impulse to shout and scream to the world.
While it’ll give you a little satisfaction right now - it’ll make the moving on much harder.
And IF you decide to go that way - you’ll need to go to counselling and talk and re-examine and re-build your marriage.
Many people do that. In fact - most discovered affairs don’t lead to marriage breakdown. Most people, contrary to what one’d expect - stay.
Good luck with any decisions you’ll make.
(And btw there is this great book by E.Perel - The State of the Affairs. At some point later it may give you some answers to both yours and his affairs)

[TryingToCope101]

Second the recommendation about E Perel- she also does a great TED talk about infidelity.

[katy78]

To me this reads that you don’t want her husband to know because you are worried that this will mean the end of their relationship and you are worried if she becomes available, your husband will choose to go to her over you.
Do you really want to be with someone whom you are second choice? If not then you should have nothing to fear about telling her husband.

[ENormaSnob]

I'd blow this well and truly out of the water.

If he choose to forgive and move on 25 years ago (no judgement, I couldn't have), he doesn't get carte Blanche to be a dick now.

[Norabloom]

Yeah I’ve fucked everything up and so has he. We have to separate now so I guess she’s won.
He wants to separate because I can’t be civil. And I really can’t be civil so ...

[Sofagirl]

What an asshole to do this to you whilst you were ill

I’ve read loads of accounts where men can’t bear to be denied sex or care for their female partners when they’re ill

The fact he still has feelings for her would do it for me

60 is not old!

You can start again

[rebecca102]

You don't have to be alone but you definitely don't have to be with him. You seriously deserve so much more

[MsDogLady]

You are allowing him to manipulate you. First he says that it’s your fault that he had sex with OW in your bed while you were ill. Now he is threatening you with separation because you won’t happily STFU.

Honestly, he is revolting. How can you stand to even look at him after what he has done? I would tell him that separation is a wonderful idea and good riddance. She has won nothing. He is a pig.

I would inform OW’s DH as soon as possible. You both need STI tests.

[MsPavlichenko]

Won what? A cheating, lying scumbag who does this to his wife when she is undergoing cancer treatment ?

No prize.

[Weenurse]

You will be much better on your own.💐

[Darls3000]

This is rough OP but you sound like you're getting angrier about it which I think is a good next stage to being clear headed about what's best to do next. And if the trust can ever be rebuilt.

But I would stop thinking of his affair in relation to yours. The slate should have been wiped when you cane back and only mentioned again if YOU were the one who strayed again. It would then just show you have a pattern of infidelity.

So not relevant here. It's an excuse for DH to use it like this. An attempt to divert the fact that he's not owning his deceitful ways. Good luck. Don't rush into any big decisions

[ShinyShoe]

Why should you have to be civil? Fuck that. Fuck him and fuck her. What struck me is that he only told you because she decided to end things. If she hadn’t done that, he’d still be shagging her and you’d be none the wiser! Don’t be his booby prize! Have more respect than that. I would absolutely be telling her husband. He has a right to know. How on earth did this all even begin? Did he initiate or did she. You say you were happy for 25 years? I think you’re going to need help to get over the shock of what’s happened!

[Upzadaizy]

I’m 60 and on my own and I have a great life. Sure, I miss having some to share it with, but reading your posts makes me think I’ve made a lucky escape by not ever having to deal with the gut-wrenching stuff you’re going through.

I really feel for you.

Particularly in the way your husband is being hugely emotionally manipulative by making HIS behaviour your responsibility.

His.Feelings.Are.Not.Your.Responsibility

He’s a grown up. He’s behaved unspeakably badly and he’s trying to make you take the blame and the burden of fixing it.

And it’s not tit for tat - that you had an affair 25yesrs who has nothing to do with his actions now. You divorced then. If you got back together, presumably that was a choice you both made.

Or ask him, was he saving this up as revenge for 25 years ago? Did he choose to get back together with you so that a quarter of a century later, he could pay you back with an affair?

It’s just laughable that a grown adult is so gormless about his actions, his choices, his feelings.

I hope you find the strength and determination (cold fury maybe instead of guilt?) to throw him out and take him to the cleaners, emotionally as well as in the more practical things in your joint life.

Look, I know how hard it is to separate two lives so entwined. Been there, got the T-shirt. It’s hell going through it.

But being single at 60 is NOT something to be scared of or disdainful of. You’ll be so much better off without this rather pathetic man child.

[RiversDisguise]

I would write a social media post about what they did and tag him, log in visa his account (she has clearly blocked you) amd tag her.

But I have a wee vindictive streak.