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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

LEAVING sulking H

951 replies

jamaisjedors · 08/05/2019 21:56

I can't believe this is my third thread.

I first posted in December about my H's sulking and silent treatment - I was ready to leave then but then got persuaded to give it another go.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

My second thread is where everyone helped me work through what was going on, helped IRL by individual and joint counselling.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3498886-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking-part2?msgid=85957683

We have now made a joint decision to separate, and I have found somewhere to live.

I don't regret not leaving in January because I have had time to process a lot of things, confide in friends, and come to understand a lot of things about myself and H.

However, sometimes I think it would have been a lot easier to power my way out of the door whilst still fuelled with a lot of anger.

Right now I am mostly very very sad.

Today seemed like a reasonably good day, H and I managed to discuss childcare arrangements up til the school holidays quite calmly and sensibly.

We each spent time doing fun things with the DC and H is actually encouraging them to get a little excited about the new house and buying new furniture etc.

But I have just been hit by a massive wave of sadness again after overhearing part of a conversation between DC1 and a friend. DC1 was saying that he had no idea at all this was coming and had never seen us argue or fight. Sad

I was sure they were at least aware of the horrible atmosphere, particularly over the last few months so it's a bit of slap in the face to realise they had no idea at all and this must seem totally incomprehensible to them.

OP posts:
Mix56 · 12/05/2019 12:16

Did he say it in front of DCs ? ie "Look mummy is leaving us, but she's feeling guilty type of shite, or if not, just pure sarcasm. Idiot

justilou1 · 12/05/2019 14:47

Who does he think he is exactly, Rasputin???

RandomMess · 12/05/2019 14:49

I think you need to remind him that the counsellor asked him first what he wanted and he replied "to split" so this is his choice.

KOKO Thanks

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 12/05/2019 15:49

Dalaï Lama perhaps? He might have been re reading his bookGrin

OP posts:
CJSmith2019 · 12/05/2019 15:53

I would be tempted to start using a beatific smile in response and a murmured 'yes'... Or 'soon, very soon'...

StationView · 12/05/2019 16:05

Expect him to start questioning your sanity again soon, Jamais.

Standard operating procedure, I'm afraid.

LizzieSiddal · 12/05/2019 17:38

When are you moving to your new house Jamais?

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 12/05/2019 17:42

Not in front of the DC, no.

Expecting him to start messing with my head but just had a lovely day with a friend so feeling rejuvenated and strong.

Hope you have all had nice weekends.

Picking up my keys tomorrow at 9am Grin

OP posts:
TheABC · 12/05/2019 17:51

Congratulations on getting the keys! It's all going to speed up now.

You could have a lot of fun with DH's mind games if you wanted to, especially now you have you exit route clear.

feelingfree17 · 12/05/2019 20:17

Well done you! He had controlled you for far too long. He almost had you, you were increasingly changing to accommodate his twattish controlling behaviour. Do not buy in to it any more - ignore, ignore, ignore! You will feel in control for the first time in a very long time. “May peace be with you” - who does he think he is! It will be yours, very soon, once you are away from him - and then maybe he may begin to have a very hard look at himself (I doubt it though)

Lisette1940 · 12/05/2019 20:19

Glad you are getting keys to your home. X

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 12/05/2019 20:42

OMG I just went to get some clothes from the bedroom and H has turned it into some weird sort of shrine with a load of photos of the DC surrounded by candles.

He has also rearranged the room a bit and added some statues from elsewhere in the house... and put out in the corridor a few of my personal bits and pieces and my yoga mat (so the bedroom is now most definitely HIS space).

I guess his hoovering attempt at lunchtime (asking me to cook with him) failed and so this is what he spent the afternoon doing.

I am a bit annoyed that the DC have been on screens all afternoon - he obviously hit a low after I left and so used "his day" with them... to do nothing.

This is after dad of the year on our last day off - it's wearing thin.

H looked dreadful this evening, he was shivering with cold and was white and could hardly eat. I think my turning him down today brought it home how things have changed.

H also tried to send me some "messages" by reading out some slogan about love from a bread bag (of all things).

I am glad he is seeing his psychologist tomorrow, and I hope he will tell his family soon because I worry he will crack otherwise.

Off to watch Alicia being a strong single woman. Have a good evening everyone.

OP posts:
Justbreathing · 12/05/2019 20:47

The person who mentioned cognitive dissonance is correct,
He can’t handle the truth. That’s it.

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 12/05/2019 20:50

Yes, I agree totally about the cognitive dissonance; his brain can't process this at all - about himself and his image of himself, and also about me.

OP posts:
Mix56 · 12/05/2019 20:50

Next twist... he is sick.... uh huh !

TinselAngel · 12/05/2019 20:54

Don't feel sorry for him!!

RandomMess · 12/05/2019 21:20

He is desperately trying to reel you back in all without actually having to change his behaviour, utterly deluded!

AsleepAllDay · 12/05/2019 21:29

Oh he sounds like a prick. Putting your things out and then trying to get you to pity him with his 'illness,' the shrine to the kids...

He's hoping that one of these mixed messages will make you break down with regret and let him come back and be the same old sulker!

Give yourself the pity you would give him - you've been through a lot

justilou1 · 12/05/2019 21:37

Well I hope the insurance is up to date if he’s playing with candles! How weird that he’s saying “Peace be with you” and setting up altars.

Dullardmullard · 12/05/2019 22:07

Ahh the guilt trips have begun.
The ill look just for you upping the anti now he is
Wonder what’s next an illness he has which will be total bullshit or he’ll commit suicide if he tries this one phone the police on him with your concerns. This will be on him not you remember that when you do leave.

Disengage now or you’ll be sucked in.

I take you ended up on the mattress from the beginning and he didn’t do the sharing of him having a turn.

I’d be inclined to empty your clothes out of the room sooner rather than later as well so you don’t have to see the shrine

I also wonder if he wanted you to engage when you saw it because I wouldn’t not a word to him and If he says have you found peace or what ever bollocks he spouts.

Say why thank you yes I have. He’s deliberately trying to back foot you again.

Happynow001 · 12/05/2019 22:10

Just ensure you get your personal documents (birth & marriage certificates, financial documents, passports for you and the children, favourite and/or expensive items if clothing, jewellery etc) moved out ASAP into your new home when you collect the keys tomorrow.

Don't forget to do an official change of address so new mail gets redirected, and also with your office, solicitor, bank and other relevant people.

Move as much to online accounts as possible and change your passwords/pins on your accounts and devices.

Justbreathing · 12/05/2019 22:16

He will go for a suicide bid next. Or talk about one at least.

Fairenuff · 12/05/2019 22:27

You know how he used to sulk to get your attention? Well now he's just changed it to 'poor me'. Carry on ignoring it as it's all stupid little childish games.

CJSmith2019 · 12/05/2019 22:33

I’d be inclined to empty your clothes out of the room sooner rather than later as well so you don’t have to see the shrine

Exactly what I was about to say. And tbh, the sooner you are out of the house for good, the better.

Dullardmullard · 12/05/2019 22:33

Plus your card for your new account phone bank and ask if it’s been sent cos I’ll bet It has and he’s taken it.

If so can you get it delivered to your work.