LEAVING sulking H

[jamaisjedors]

I can't believe this is my third thread.

I first posted in December about my H's sulking and silent treatment - I was ready to leave then but then got persuaded to give it another go.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

My second thread is where everyone helped me work through what was going on, helped IRL by individual and joint counselling.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3498886-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking-part2?msgid=85957683

We have now made a joint decision to separate, and I have found somewhere to live.

I don't regret not leaving in January because I have had time to process a lot of things, confide in friends, and come to understand a lot of things about myself and H.

However, sometimes I think it would have been a lot easier to power my way out of the door whilst still fuelled with a lot of anger.

Right now I am mostly very very sad.

Today seemed like a reasonably good day, H and I managed to discuss childcare arrangements up til the school holidays quite calmly and sensibly.

We each spent time doing fun things with the DC and H is actually encouraging them to get a little excited about the new house and buying new furniture etc.

But I have just been hit by a massive wave of sadness again after overhearing part of a conversation between DC1 and a friend. DC1 was saying that he had no idea at all this was coming and had never seen us argue or fight.

I was sure they were at least aware of the horrible atmosphere, particularly over the last few months so it's a bit of slap in the face to realise they had no idea at all and this must seem totally incomprehensible to them.

You are totally, utterly, completely right to stop this relationship. Both for you & your children.

In my case, I really believe, after all these years of analysis of My situation that my H is highly functioning in many professional spheres, but actually is insecure, incapable of questioning his 'model' (if indeed he got to the point of asking could he ever be wrong ?)
He decided this was the "way to do it", he is not intelligent enough to question his mother's & father's dynamic
Highly "Machismo", he tried to dominate, & whilst having been attracted to an outgoing, confident, independent woman for all the right reasons, he then spent 30 years trying to prove he is stronger, better. The Master....... & frankly failed.
It so happened that I am indeed Stronger, Better, & more intelligent than him, I didn't sombre into the misery of the underling,, a miserable down trodden 2nd rate female
He now knows who is the stronger of the two of us.
Had I been in UK I would have left, I would have been able to find help, a job, etc, however, I was not entitled to leave with DC & I was penniless.

So what I am saying is, please Fly, live your life, Be Happy.
It's the only life you will have

My DS was only 6 when I left his dad but now at 15 can remember the atmosphere at home when we were together. I couldn't bear to be in the same room as my husband, we didn't argue much but our marriage was a mistake & I knew it within a couple of months of getting married. Kids pick up on things that you don't expect them to.

I am so glad you are making the move.

I understand you are sad because you put A LOT into that marriage but now it’s time to put some energy into you and enjoy your kids more
.
Please keep us updated ... and I do hope that when you breath the fresh air of your new life that you find happiness again x x

& Yes. Obviously a happy marriage is not about domination & being strong.

My jaw is on the floor @Mix56

That’s the exact person I’m still just about married to, and you’ve nailed my H exactly.
He’s been trying to outdo the confident girl he married nearly 30 years ago.

Bravo Jamais KOKO

Hot damn OP Best news I've heard all day

I am glad that you have managed to find a way to be amicable about it, when do you move out?

All continued power to your elbow

Imleavingonajetplane, I'm sorry to hear that.
Another point I will make as I already outed myself, is that my now adult DC, have no respect for my H, look at him alternately with hardly disguised disgust, &/or pity. They do not like him.
Their relationship would probably have been better if I had left, although I do not feel responsible for his interactions with them.
They probably between then have a lot to say about me, that I would not like to hear.

You can't even imagine the sense of relief and happiness that's just around the corner .

So... the amicable part lasted til last night when we saw the marriage counsellor again.

First of all H gave a long speech about how things went at the weekend and basically said that he had hoped until the last minute that I might put a stop to the separation and that telling the kids was the worst moment of his life.

He did a lot of rambling about "signs" during the weekend, including a group of girls on a hen night who came up to him and asked him for the secret of of eternal love - apparantly he said to them "it doesn't exist" in quite an agressive way.

Then we talked about money a bit, and the counsellor was shocked by what H was proposing (I move out, leave all the furniture behind and just take my half of the money in the joint account).

She tried to show H that that was not a fair split at all and that even the sum of money that my lawyer suggested to cover new furniture was a very low figure in her opinion.

H was announcing that I could not take a single thing from the house when leaving, apart from 1 or 2 personal items.

His next proposition was to want to get a bailiff (?) in to list every single thing in the house, and its value, and then factor that into the settlement, so I would receive half of that value... at some point in the future.

The counsellor pointed out that I should not move out in those circumstances and that my lawyer would certainly advise against it, and that having a bailiff counting up everything and wrangling over every last detail would be horrific for the DC.

Also that the DC needed to be free to take any of their furniture or personal items with them if they want to.

It got pretty horrible and H is still refusing to get a lawyer so we can't start mediation.

It seems I would be ill-advised to move out while this is still up in the air so I need to see my lawyer again asap to sort it out.

H's final suggestion was that I list what I want to take from the house and the sum of money I want for re-furnishing and then we both sign this.

I actually don't want very much, I had got my mind into "buy new things" mode, but I do not want to be out of pocket either.

I'm so sorry that he's already decided to start punishing you. But in a perverse way I'm glad you had a witness, for your own sanity if nothing else.

Speak to your lawyer ASAP - she is the best person to advise you now.

Are your surprised by this? I am not which was why I was worried that your choosing to move out. I think his behaviour will get worse and he won’t care that the DC are stuck in the middle of it. He didn’t care before when he was sulking round the house and then ignoring them too. Personally I would be worried about going 50:50 childcare with a man that can do that to his DC. I would definitely be speaking to your lawyer ASAP

Mix 56 you have hit the nail on the head. My partner has suffered depression since losing a good job and now working in a poorly paid menial job. When we met I was very independent and owned my own home etc. He is constantly trying to prove he is better than me and to try and show he is more intelligent. He makes certain comments about things he thinks I won't know then keeps repeating them if I fail to acknowledge. He is actually disappointed if I show I know what he is talking about or God forbid I know more than him.
Our teenage son was initially upset by his lack of interest in him but now is starting to despise him . I do worry about the long reaching effect on.him

I'm not surprised he cares about nobody but himself, we said he wouldn't relieve that you would dare leave him. He is a bully always has been.

You keep hoping that he will be reasonable because that is how he wants to appear publicly. He wants to hurt you because he is hurting and he can’t believe that you are not “being reasonable” and staying. He honestly thought that you would “come to your senses and stop this nonsense”..... Your feelings have never been valid here.

Remember this is still just another round of games he is playing. It's a little concerning that although the counsellor can see what's right they don't seem to have enough experience to truly see what is going on.

The counsellor pointed out that I should not move out in those circumstances

You could be waiting many more months for the circumstances to be right to move out. I'd hazard a guess that your H will do all that he can to ensure the circumstances are not right for you to move out. He'll invent a 100 things that need to be said or done before he agrees to anything. He might say he'll agree but then he'll change the goalposts - just as he has always done.

You have got it exactly right when you say you wanted new furniture anyway. The sooner you and your DC are out the sooner you will all be at peace and able to see everything more clearly.

There are probably many more games he will play in attempts to make you doubt yourself but every day that passes they have less influence on you. Even though you have the skills and would like to keep things between you both reasonable it's highly unlikely he will allow this.

You can't do this without rocking the boat - and once you actually do - and actually leave - he'll make sure it looks like you've sabotaged the whole thing. There won't be any niceness. I'm sorry this makes it all the harder for a sensitive soul such as yours jamais. Men like him bank on this. He still just does not believe you will go.

You are highly skilled in working him out. Your safe house is just around the corner all ready and waiting.

I think the counselor pointed out that I shouldn't move out because H was saying he wanted me out as quickly as possible.

So she is pointing out to him that if that's what he wants, he needs to make a reasonable offer about furniture/money etc

I think this is the moment to thing strategically.

OK, you don't want much from the house. Still, your list must be long. Includes loads on it.

He has to know right now that his new normal is one where he won't get away with being unreasonable. You won't obey. That making an unreasonable demand results in him getting much worse than he wants. Your list must make him squeak. Then you can choose to reduce it somewhat if you are so willing. You have to get out of appeasement mindset. You'll kick yourself later if you don't.

Why does he get to call the shots? I would tell him in no uncertain terms that you are entitled to half of everything and that is what you'll be taking. If he doesn't like it then HE can move his sorry arse out. What a grade A wanker her really is. Time to make him realise he is no longer in control.

I agree with InSpace. This is not his call to make. He could drag things out forever, with nonsense like that. Talk to your lawyer and start your list. A bailiff, FFS! How did he even think of that!

It really does seem like he's hanging onto being in charge. This needs squashing, you're in charge of you now.

Agree with others
Be your new self!!
He doesn’t get to dictate ANYTHING

You're feeling sad because you're a great parent with love and concern for your children.
However, whether they were affected or not by his moods/dodgy atmos, you're still allowed to leave if your dh wasn't behaving well.
It's normal so be sad, it's a massive adjustment but still a good decision.
Be kind to yourself as well as thinking of your kids.

Well it's no surprise that he's trying to make things as difficult as possible. So he wont cooperate or engage? Get practical - rather than asking him what he thinks is fair and to make an offer, can you turn things round on him and write a list of all the household stuff. Then tell him he has the choice of keeping 'your' half in himself and paying you the replacement value or you taking it. Include all the household basics that you would need to set up home (furniture, pots and pans, kitchen equipment, cutlery, crockery, bedding, furnishings. lamps and ornaments, tools (garden and DIY) etc.

Leave out the high value stuff that lawyers might need to discuss, dcs stuff and any personal or sentimental that are obviously not shared between you. They can be sorted later. Be calm, fair and practical and tell him how it is.

Keep going.