LEAVING sulking H

[jamaisjedors]

I can't believe this is my third thread.

I first posted in December about my H's sulking and silent treatment - I was ready to leave then but then got persuaded to give it another go.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

My second thread is where everyone helped me work through what was going on, helped IRL by individual and joint counselling.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3498886-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking-part2?msgid=85957683

We have now made a joint decision to separate, and I have found somewhere to live.

I don't regret not leaving in January because I have had time to process a lot of things, confide in friends, and come to understand a lot of things about myself and H.

However, sometimes I think it would have been a lot easier to power my way out of the door whilst still fuelled with a lot of anger.

Right now I am mostly very very sad.

Today seemed like a reasonably good day, H and I managed to discuss childcare arrangements up til the school holidays quite calmly and sensibly.

We each spent time doing fun things with the DC and H is actually encouraging them to get a little excited about the new house and buying new furniture etc.

But I have just been hit by a massive wave of sadness again after overhearing part of a conversation between DC1 and a friend. DC1 was saying that he had no idea at all this was coming and had never seen us argue or fight.

I was sure they were at least aware of the horrible atmosphere, particularly over the last few months so it's a bit of slap in the face to realise they had no idea at all and this must seem totally incomprehensible to them.

Keep all information to yourself please. He’s not well.

Also agree with @skate to be alert to his potential to escalate behaviour quickly. Congrats on the keys! You will have to keep the joy of this private from him...

whatever tricks he is playing, you just need to act agreeable now till you can get out for good! It’s a good practice have learnt for dealing with difficult people, is to agree with them without actually agreeing. Eg If he says he wants the custody of the boys 80/20 you could say “you know, that’s an idea...that could be great!

Later on you can claim to have no memory of this conversation. You basically play them at their own game. I feel like you sense the game you’re in now, because you say for the first time it’s like you’re one step ahead of him....just don’t know exactly what kind of game you’re up against, but do whatever you can to get you & the kids out safely & with the least amount of conflict & drama from him !

I feel like he is trying to subtly intimidate you by playing out this religious routine with one of the children, which is outside the norm for your family’s routine. Like, when was the last time he got out a bible? I would be really put off by that..it’s either highly manipulative or seriously unstable behaviour.

I imagine your therapist to be like dr melfi in the sopranos, being so professional & tactful while your husband has been going through his gaslighting, stonewalling act for who knows how long in therapy sessions! She probably thinks you’re a really lovely, patient person & you could well do with some private sessions with her moving forward.

recommend if you haven’t already, read Lundy Bancroft’s book Why Does He Do That? There are free PDF versions floating around online...

Yes that's very weird. He's like an unexploded bomb and this is making me feel uncomfortable.

My ex used to read the Bible, sitting on a hard chair like John the baptist with his mouth and chin cupped in his backward hand. He did it for hours and hours - and got more and more cruel. He never looked up. I lost my marbles in the end, it was so dark.

Jamais, you have consistently dismissed any idea that he is nothing more than difficult, excusing his behaviour as coming from someone who is hurt. Imo he is sinister and I really do want you to be prepared to entertain that notion and act accordingly. Eg don't leave him with the kids. Sorry to say it.

Another one here with bitter experience of sudden and very frightening behaviour change, once he knew he had lost control of me. Please don't think it funny or trivialise se it. He is potentially very dangerous, now. To you and DC.

Without wanting to scare you, think for a bit about why, exactly, people make shrines? :(

Please stay safe. Take kids and go today, even if you have to use sleeping bags on the floor.

Agree his behaviour sounds monumentally odd...

Be careful OP. Might be worth moving things forward especially if you've been telling him everything you've been doing? 🤔

Could you maybe ask someone to escort you to the house to get stuff packed and moved?

Dear OP I am another saying this could be extremely dangerous.
A distant relative of mine lady year left her DH and he attempted suicide with him and the two children in the car. They died and he survived.

I agree with others. He's dangerous. Don't leave the kids alone with him.

Either that or he's performing a sophisticated mind fuck hoping you'll be so worried that you'll stay. Either way he's a total cunt and you can't stay with him.

I also vote for telling his doctor you have concerns about his state of mind

Just to let you know that we are all fine (me and the DC) but H hasn't got back yet.

It's late for him but he might have decided to see a friend or do something.

The stuff he left out in bedroom is worrying me - I wasn't worried before but now he's not back I think he could have done something stupid - or is trying to scare me.

I have sent the DC to bed so that if he does get back, he won't see them. I will take them to school myself tomorrow and won't leave them alone with him.

I can move out anytime I guess, we can even take mattresses from the house here.

Thank goodness you are okay. Please listen to the other women on here that have been through similar situations.

As a few previous posters said, it is mind games and he is behaving exactly as they said he would.

Just go, I don't want to scare you but better safe than sorry.

Didn't have an appointment with psy ? Maybe he is seeing an avocat ?

I know there is a chance he has "done something stupid" but please don't chase him, there is an even bigger chance that he is getting drunk or deliberately playing at making you worry.
If he traipses in later with no explication, I would say something on the lines of:
"It doesn't make any difference to me,, but you still have 2 DCs & it is unpardonable to inflict your mind games on them. Pull yourself together.
or you need to see your psychiatrist, urgently.

Please move out now. Take children and go to your new house, on mattresses if need be.

Yes, move as soon as you get the keys, with mattresses.

Do you have friends who can help you with the physical move?

I think you've got it - he's trying to scare you.

Is there anyone that might come over to be with you op - just so that you don't have to play any games he might be trying when he gets back?

Remember this is his doing, him being unreasonable, him demonstrating he wants all the control.

You haven't done anything wrong and are putting all the right steps in so that every day becomes a day off from the pressure you have been living under.

Really scared now

He's not home, he wasn't at a meeting he was supposed to be at this evening, and I've just found his house key detached from his key ring and left on a stool be the front door (he left before me this morning).

I'm going to try and call him.

I wouldn't call him. That's him calling the shots again. He is choosing this. Don't let him draw you in.

I called anyway, the key thing is totally weird and I'm really panicking now,hi really think he could have killed himself.

He can't get back in without the key, and it is totally out of character.

I feel like I should be calling the hospital or the police but this is real life not TV, and they'll probably just laugh at me.

I don't care if he IS trying to scare me, I really am scared and this has never happened at all before.

A mature adult would not act this way. Instead of behaving as normal as possible for his kids, he is pretending to be a religious zealot and scaring you all. If he needed time away alone, why not leave a note for you or the kids. Mind games.

He thought you were bluffing and wouldn't leave. I get it must be a shock to him but he really needs to grow up. He brought this on himself.

Call the police, tell them he is acting completely out of character after he had distressing news and that he left his key behind and made a shrine. I think they will take you seriously.

They won't laugh at you. Did he not answer his phone?

Plus it will be good to have this on record.

Try not be alarmed, this was totally expected, it's part of the script. PP have said if he threatens to harm himself let the authorities deal with it.

Take a step back. Detach.

No he didn't answer his phone and a mutual friend popped over about an hour ago because he couldn't get hold of H and needed to borrow something from us.