LEAVING sulking H

[jamaisjedors]

I can't believe this is my third thread.

I first posted in December about my H's sulking and silent treatment - I was ready to leave then but then got persuaded to give it another go.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

My second thread is where everyone helped me work through what was going on, helped IRL by individual and joint counselling.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3498886-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking-part2?msgid=85957683

We have now made a joint decision to separate, and I have found somewhere to live.

I don't regret not leaving in January because I have had time to process a lot of things, confide in friends, and come to understand a lot of things about myself and H.

However, sometimes I think it would have been a lot easier to power my way out of the door whilst still fuelled with a lot of anger.

Right now I am mostly very very sad.

Today seemed like a reasonably good day, H and I managed to discuss childcare arrangements up til the school holidays quite calmly and sensibly.

We each spent time doing fun things with the DC and H is actually encouraging them to get a little excited about the new house and buying new furniture etc.

But I have just been hit by a massive wave of sadness again after overhearing part of a conversation between DC1 and a friend. DC1 was saying that he had no idea at all this was coming and had never seen us argue or fight.

I was sure they were at least aware of the horrible atmosphere, particularly over the last few months so it's a bit of slap in the face to realise they had no idea at all and this must seem totally incomprehensible to them.

[NettleTea]

this is a usual tactic Im afraid. They sometimes fgo to the expense of buying clothes too big so they can show how they are pining away.

EVERY tactic will be tried to get you back into your place.

Its like the toddler running through their repetoire of 'get my own way' techniques

None of them are real. All of them designed to see where the weak spot in your armour is - is it offering more time together, is it seeing how ill he is, is it fear, is it pity?

When he finds the achillies heel he will ramp it right up to full effect. Anything but taking a good hard look at himself.

and even now, if he DOES say he has seen the light and will change. Do you honestly believe him? And that it would last? And what would it say about hopw he completely disregarded you til now, for months.

The shrine, the poor sad little lost fellow. Its all for effect. Same as the grief ridden tears.

[springydaff]

My full of shit ex did the shrine thing. He got some crappy photos of the children and plastered them all over his new house with his new wife. He said I refused to allow him to have any of the good photos - blatant lie. His wife felt so sorry for him!

Far from the doting dad he couldn't stand to spend a second with them.

Peace be with you, wanker. What a fool he is lol.

[jamaisjedors]

You are all right about the house, I need to get some beds in it now for me and the DC because H is being totally weird.

This morning he told Dc1 he would take him to school, but when it was time to go, he was I bed and reading the Bible to dc2

I got dressed quickly and took him. When I got back, dc2 asked me if daddy was ok?

Now he has got up and gone to work but dressed in sandals and a winter coat.

He is supposed to be seeing his psychologist this morning, I hope to god (!) he is going there.

The shrine also has a few cards I sent him on different occasions and one with a photo of me on it when I was about 22.

Before he left he asked if I was ok, I said yes, fine, and you? Yes fine.

[Mix56]

That just made me laugh. Hilarious,
I'll bet you he had a change of shoes in his bag, or car !!!

[Fairenuff]

Is he turning into Jesus?

You're doing so well not falling into his traps. Keep your wits about you and remember it's all a pantomime.

[innasnailshell]

Sounds like he might suggest he's seen the light and is now going to change his ways.

Yada yada yada.

Jamais - how are you today?

I'm imagining the keys to freedom dropping into your pocket today.

[Mix56]

laughing more now !

[Lisette1940]

Just keep going Jamais. You've had the patience of a saint.

[jamaisjedors]

Actually I am doing great.

Having a day "off" yesterday was really good, and now I just can't wait to move in and some of the awful sadness has lifted.

I feel strong and confident and if anything, H's behaviour is making sure I have no regrets in leaving. It's like I built him up into this amazing, accomplished, admirable person and now he just seems a bit pathetic.

Just waiting to get my keys now.

[Lisette1940]

I'm really glad to hear that. 💐

[jamaisjedors]

And I am laughing too, just laughed out loud in the car.

I think what is getting to him the most is after years of seeing me as inferior and needing telling what to do, I am one step ahead of him in everything.

He tells me I need to open a bank account, I say it's already done.

He tells me we need to get legal advice, done.

I'll have to think about living arrangements - sorted.

And this is all thanks to you all on here, if I hadn't got all of this organised beforehand, this stage would be almost impossible and I might well have given in and stayed.

Zero chance of that now.

i

[Mix56]

Can you order beds today ? or at least one for you if Dc want to have input ? can you take them to see the house after school ?

[Innersmellbow]

doing great

You are great.

Brave; strong; true.

[foreverhanging]

He is a real drama queen isn't he! Wow!

You are doing GREAT op

[MitziK]

Has he been sectioned before? Because if he's displaying pretending to be developing psychosis and doesn't know what it's like to be detained for treatment, he's playing a fucking dangerous game.

[Skade]

Jamais, I've not posted on any of your other threads, but have been reading and following since you first posted. I'm a psychotherapist who works with a domestic violence refuge and if you were a client of mine describing this sudden shift in your husband's behaviour alarm bells would be ringing for me. If he was not previously religious then reading the bible to your child, asking you if you've found peace and creating a shrine signifies a change in his thinking which might not be safe for you.
Don't make the mistake of assuming that he's doing it to wind you up. Men often react very badly to their partners leaving - this most often manifests itself in financial pettiness or other minor irritants, but it also can make previously non-violent men react in ways that you might never have imagined. I hope I'm wrong and don't want to scare you, but I would encourage you to remain watchful and alert, to take every measure to keep you and your children safe, and to leave as soon as you can. Wishing you all the very best.

[CJSmith2019]

You are doing great 'Alicia' . Sounds like a huge act to me. Remind yourself every so often that this is the person who blatantly told you that he sulks to punish and hurt you.
Weather has improved so the winter coat might not be required.

[LizzieSiddal]

Jamais, please listen to Skade.

His behaviour is alarming.

[Happynow001]

And I am laughing too, just laughed out loud in the car.
How very different you sound from the unhappy, semi-detached, compliant person walking on eggshells at the beginning of this experience.

Do, however, remain vigilant until you have fully moved out, received a fair financial settlement (and you have the money secured in your bank account- not just a promise).

Don't trust him in anything: keep your guard up for a while longer.

There are still milestones to your future but you are doing incredibly well. 🌹

[Mix56]

Yes, unfortunately Skade is correct. if he starts stalking, or harassing in your new home. Please report immediately to the police.
Can he interfere in your work place ? watch out for that.
Do NOT let him in to the new house, It is your refuge, He does not need to know what rooms there are, he cannot "pop round" for a chat, or come for dinner. You need to keep the doors locked.
As much as it would be ideal for this to be amical, it won't be.

[RandomMess]

Will the DC have a key to your property? I would be concerned that he could get a copy of it give the boys some story about needing it or simply just doing it sneakily.

[woolduvet]

Good luck on your key ceremony.
I'm another one who is worried by his behaviour, but for you and the children. I wouldn't want any of you to become a statistic because you didn't take his behaviour seriously.
I'd say to the children that daddy needs a bit of time on his own to understand all the changes. You'll ring/FaceTime etc to keep in touch until he's feeling more like himself.
I'd collect mine and the kids essentials and leave today.
Hope things are ok

[justilou1]

I agree too. His pseudo religious behaviour is a little more alarming than amusing. If he keeps this up, call his doctor. It would work in your favour anyway.

[CarpeVitam]

Another one here finding his current behaviour more than a little alarming!

[Dullardmullard]

So hes escalating that was quick.

He wants you to feel sorry for him. He wants you to notice and to say something.

As @Skate said be alert and on guard

Watch for my psychologist said this and that don’t believe him as it’ll be bullshit.

Does he know your leave date because If so change it and don’t tell him because I fear he may do something very unpredictable to you or worse the kids.