LEAVING sulking H

[jamaisjedors]

I can't believe this is my third thread.

I first posted in December about my H's sulking and silent treatment - I was ready to leave then but then got persuaded to give it another go.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

My second thread is where everyone helped me work through what was going on, helped IRL by individual and joint counselling.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3498886-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking-part2?msgid=85957683

We have now made a joint decision to separate, and I have found somewhere to live.

I don't regret not leaving in January because I have had time to process a lot of things, confide in friends, and come to understand a lot of things about myself and H.

However, sometimes I think it would have been a lot easier to power my way out of the door whilst still fuelled with a lot of anger.

Right now I am mostly very very sad.

Today seemed like a reasonably good day, H and I managed to discuss childcare arrangements up til the school holidays quite calmly and sensibly.

We each spent time doing fun things with the DC and H is actually encouraging them to get a little excited about the new house and buying new furniture etc.

But I have just been hit by a massive wave of sadness again after overhearing part of a conversation between DC1 and a friend. DC1 was saying that he had no idea at all this was coming and had never seen us argue or fight.

I was sure they were at least aware of the horrible atmosphere, particularly over the last few months so it's a bit of slap in the face to realise they had no idea at all and this must seem totally incomprehensible to them.

[jamaisjedors]

New thread :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3637219-DIVORCING-sulking-H?watched=1

[jamaisjedors]

...waves at @mix56 and @justilou1

Thanks for thinking of me. As you guessed, weekends are time for fuckery from H !

Originally H demanded requested a visit from the DC from Friday night to Monday morning.

I ignored this.

Old (not in age!) friends come this time every year to stay since they moved abroad 10 years ago. I contacted them by email and then by phone to update them on what has been going on.

We discussed the best solution so that the DC could see each other and they could see both of us... and my DC could have contact with their dad with other people around.

So we came up with the proposal of them staying with H over this weekend and then coming to me tomorrow night.

The DC told H they had plans for Friday (true) and I emailed H to tell him he could have the DC overnight as our friends would be there and that he should drop them back or I would pick them up on Sunday night.

He never actually replied to my email, but sorted out with the DC to pick them up this morning. I have told the DC what time they need to be back so he doesn't mess around with the timing. If H doesn't get back to me about dropping off/picking up, I will just go over there myself at the time I said.

I'm not worried about the weekend as these are very good friends and know the situation.

[justilou1]

I always think of you at the beginning of the weekend also...

[Mix56]

Another w/e. I was wondering what fuckery he will pull this time?
Anyway, I hope all goes smoothly

[Daftapath]

@WhoKnewBeefStew I hope you put them right?

My stbxh also has his own narrative of what has happened and mostly about what I have done to cause it all. Thankfully, the important people in my life know the truth so there will only be a handful now still believing his version. It does hurt initially but seems to become much less important as time passes. It really doesn't matter what people believe. We know the truth. I think unless you have experienced or read a lot about abusive relationships, it's very hard for some to believe that it happens, particularly with emotional abuse and control because it's so much harder to see it.

[WhoKnewBeefStew]

My ex eventually became physical with me and I had to call the police. He was arrested for DV, following this he left the home and was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I bumped into a friend of his a few months later and he gave me a telling off, for kicking my dh out if the house when he had depression and anxiety, and how I should have helped and looked after him. It appears my ex dh had told everyone this story, and conveniently missed out the bit where he tried to strangle me in the kitchen I stopped giving a fu*k about what people thought after that.

[Raindancer411]

Yay!! Enjoying reading about you going from strength to strength

[Wallywobbles]

Don't forget to link.

[jamaisjedors]

I'll set one up this evening!

[Raindancer411]

Is there a new thread yet?

[jamaisjedors]

@Mrsaxelrose so sorry you are going through such a hard time.

It's something I really struggled with initially when making the decision to separate.

How could someone hurt me so much and make life so difficult but also be the person I have shared so much with for years (20+ in my case)?

It really felt like my heart was breaking with the pain - also the person who is making you unhappy is also the one who in the end picks you up when you are crying.

I even had a moment when things were at their worst, I had just fled from my home and was looking after everything for my DC plus work etc. when I just had an absolute longing for H to come and hold me in his arms and let me sob... even though the reason I was sobbing was because of him.

I have had occasional moments like that, but honestly on the whole I haven't missed H and the moments of relief and "oh I can do what I want" are so amazing that despite all of the horror of what has gone on and what might happen next, there is no way I could go back.

I still feel pain about losing what could have been great, but most of that was probably in my head anyway.

I'm still getting hassle, but at a distance, and the relief tonight for example of knowing I was going home to my own space with no-one to tell me what to do or to give me the silent treatment/walk on eggshells with is ABSOLUTELY PRICELESS.

[Satterthwaite]

Mrsaxel

[Mrsaxelrose]

Never have I heard a story so close to mine and its one im struggling with. DH and I have been together 15yrs married 10. Its been hard few months. Marriage is breaking down due to so many problems that's I would be here all day. im glad im escaping but have waves of sadness every now and again. last night I cried because for 15years I have fell asleep with my head on his chest. ive not been sleeping and I was exhausted so he suggested that we have some food and watch a movie. he then said "come here your exhausted and need to sleep" so I lay my head on his chest and fell asleep till morning. in the cold light of day I still have to leave cause the problems wont go away or change but it doesn't stop me being sad. you will always feel sad about leaving the good bits as will I but you will feel so much better when your free xxx

[Mix56]

factory

[Mix56]

Sorry to hear that Jamais, Thank God you left him. as you say whatever you do it will be wrong.
Or maybe he will deny ever recieving it ?
I had a head banging moment today when something I read on mn about narcsissitic men; even before I officially lived with my "bully", I remember how he was unahppy for me to go to a concert with a few girl friends. My God....& I went on & had 2 children with him.... If only I had been more aware. Stronger, infact I needed a whole fatory reset.

[Satterthwaite]

God he sounds like my dad who gave up work in his early 40s following a breakdown, then spent the next 20 years plotting and scheming to disrupt people's lives (mainly my mother's) because he had a good brain and far too much time on his hands. Vindictive twat.

[jamaisjedors]

I'm actually not surprised there's been no invective etc.

He's a very intelligent man and at the moment he is apparently in and out of the clinic regularly.

He will have seen his lawyer before writing to me (he has just sent an email about this weekend and the summer) and he copies in Sam and "Gerry" on all of his emails "to protect himself" from me. He is the victim remember!

He will get his revenge in a subtler way if he can, through finances, or a subtle smear campaign etc.

He has been warned by the friends that I have spoken to the police and bot it's also in the summons.

For example for this summer he is asking me to inform him of the city I am in if I travel with the DC, but not the exact address. The lawyer will have told him to back down on tracking new or other will look bad.

He's a highly educated high flying academic, if he goes after me now it will be vicious but indirect and difficult to prove.

He also has had loads of rest and plenty of time on his hands.

I don't doubt he will never forgive me for this summons, but to be honest he never forgave me for the slightest upset in the past anyway so I'm past trying to keep on the right side of him.

[Mix56]

I'm perplexed he hasn't sent a stream of virulent emails.
Could he have signed himself out to go to a Lawyer ? If he has, be careful he isn't looking for your house. Who i slooking after the boys ?
Would anyone let you know if he has had another "crisis"

[jamaisjedors]

Haven't heard anything yet but I am away for 2 days for work which is good.

No emails or phone calls yet though.

[Mix56]

Did he get the summons ? I suppose the predictable war has broken out.

[justilou1]

Honestly it doesn’t matter what the truth is anyway... People will have their own version of events and their own opinions because they weren’t there. Nobody else experiences a relationship like the two people in it, and they experience it differently to each other as well. To Jamais’ husband, it was plodding along fine as long as Jamais was willing to tolerate his controlling, irrational behaviour and risk subjecting her children to it... to Jamais, it was increasingly claustrophobic and intolerable. To witnesses, they will have seen what they wanted to see based on what was projected by Jamais and her husband while they were “together” to keep up appearances anyway.

[Fairenuff]

I'm not sure anyone gets the extent to which H was controlling and difficult to live with over the years and how hard I worked to keep things together (apart from my close friends) but they do understand that separations happen, and they don't have to be like this.

It doesn't really matter what anyone else thinks. At the end of the day you are going to go on a build a happy and peaceful life for yourself your dcs. Your dh will remain bitter and complaining and eventually his friends will tire of it and realise how obsessive and critical he is.

[Wallywobbles]

I can't see how his for fault divorce would go anywhere. And if you decide you can live with it it makes no odds as you aren't punished for it anyway in France. There are no reparations to make. Silly man and his pride.

For the rest my best advice is make no plans for after the hearing. It'll take a month for the result pretty much.

I found different courts are more or less lenient. Court 1 gave endless ducking chances. Court 2 said you're an idiot, fuck off and you are banned from ever coming back.

I got a lot of people to do attestations which gave my lawyer a lot to work with. Even ones bring positive about you rather than slating him are useful.

[Mix56]

Sam has been very helpful, but don't forget he refused to write a statement about H's initial episode.
I think you are going to have to keep your head down & ignore all the idle gossip & keep repeating the mantra," What would Alicia do ?"
Most normal people have only vaguely heard of EA, they have had zero real experience, & assume its simply another marriage that has broken down, maybe a bit of shouting, etc.... Many people say," if it was so bad she should have just left". or mutter about all marriages need work.
it is likley you won't be seen as the "injured party" in most cases. & wanting hoping for it will cause you grief

[jamaisjedors]

@CharityDingle thanks, I am planning to stay with family in July fwith the dc for a couple of weeks and get away from it all.

If H's brother can come and stay in August, I am planning a yoga week away but I can't really book it yet until after the hearing because I may end up having the dc all the time.