LEAVING sulking H

[jamaisjedors]

I can't believe this is my third thread.

I first posted in December about my H's sulking and silent treatment - I was ready to leave then but then got persuaded to give it another go.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

My second thread is where everyone helped me work through what was going on, helped IRL by individual and joint counselling.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3498886-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking-part2?msgid=85957683

We have now made a joint decision to separate, and I have found somewhere to live.

I don't regret not leaving in January because I have had time to process a lot of things, confide in friends, and come to understand a lot of things about myself and H.

However, sometimes I think it would have been a lot easier to power my way out of the door whilst still fuelled with a lot of anger.

Right now I am mostly very very sad.

Today seemed like a reasonably good day, H and I managed to discuss childcare arrangements up til the school holidays quite calmly and sensibly.

We each spent time doing fun things with the DC and H is actually encouraging them to get a little excited about the new house and buying new furniture etc.

But I have just been hit by a massive wave of sadness again after overhearing part of a conversation between DC1 and a friend. DC1 was saying that he had no idea at all this was coming and had never seen us argue or fight.

I was sure they were at least aware of the horrible atmosphere, particularly over the last few months so it's a bit of slap in the face to realise they had no idea at all and this must seem totally incomprehensible to them.

I also suspected he wouldn't be as reasonable as you seemed to think.

Maybe try to put much more on the list than you really want & then negotiate down to the actual items that you want to take ? ! !
I agree, as you have invested your money into the joint home, then you will not be walking away hands empty. He does not get to veto your ownership. & by punishing you he is punishing his DC .... they will be living in this house 50% of their time. Maybe he should think about that

Is your house rented ? I can't remember ? If its a mortgage free property then surely you will want to get your half at some point ?

And it begins. they always get nasty when it becomes clear you don't back down and go back into your box. He will have known the signs and chose to ignore them. He is that selfish thinking you'd not go through with it.

As @Mix56 says it's his kid's house too and he'll be depriving them really not you as per say.

I have to say please be careful around him when departing as this is when they become the most dangerous. You have seen that he can be nasty with money now, so be on your guard with him with regards other things. I think he will try any means to keep you in the house with him plus Watch out for things going missing that means something to you?

I’m with towel. These are hostile negotiations. If there are small things sentimental to you and not him I would hide them rather than put them on the list. The list itself needs to be long and you can negotiate down to the modest amount you actually want.

Jamais, as those of us who have been through this have commented, this comes as no surprise. My 'D'H behaved in exactly the same way. He was the one who left, and he subsequently sent me a list of house contents, via his lawyer, all at inflated prices. He wanted me to agree to buy them, and for their value to be deducted from the final settlement. The scummiest thing he did was to try to charge me for DC's bed. That's right. His own child's bed. I sent a message back that he was welcome to anything in the house other than my bed and the washing machine, both of which I had bought since he left. He then suddenly lost interest in the idea.

I remember asking my counsellor why 'D'H was behaving in this way, and he said, "Station. He's had twenty years of you backing down to him and appeasing him as you tried to avoid his sulks. Why wouldn't he think it will carry on working?"

It didn't. We went all the way to court, in front of a judge, in the end . I got a good settlement.

Hi Jamais. So, sadly, he is following the well-worn pattern of trying to abuse you financially now. Do, please, look ahead and plan accordingly as he is showing he's prepared to be nasty.

If you have not already taken out of your shared house things that are personal to you, ie financial statements, passports, favourite or expensive items of your clothing, birth and marriage certificates, your children's birth certificates, please get them out now and leave them with someone trusted until you can move them to the new house. When you get the keys to your new house keep them secure (at work? hidden in your car? with someone trusted?) until you are able to move in so he cannot gain access.

Please plan for the worse/most unreasonable things which may happen because that's where he will be trying to lead you to.

He is showing you, clearly, he is not prepared to be fair or amicable.

I'm sorry that he has become so hostile - but I am not really surprised. Sulkers and controllers never want to lose the upper hand and will fight to "win" at all costs, even if they are fighting for something they don't really want.

After gambling that he could just bully you into dropping everything his new approach is for you to make yourself invisible and paint yourself out of the family so that his like doesn't change in anyway and that he can just pretend everything is the same as he has all the stuff.

You need to speak to your lawyer urgently now that it is clear he is going to play hardball. You should ask her again about transferring money from the joint account to furnish the new house. You didn't take her advice last time as you were sure that he would play fair - but now the situation is different.

Please plan for the worse/most unreasonable things which may happen because that's where he will be trying to lead you to
Unfortunately I agree, He is no longer your friend.

Jamais I’m on the same path as you but not quite made the break yet. I saw inklings if this when we nearly split when he announced out of nowhere he would therefore stop all joint cards (I only use them for food shopping for family). I am following your story closely & am in admiration of you, Your DCs will be proud of you in time xx

Thanks for all the advice.

As it stands, H has transferred half of the money from the joint account to my new account and half to his new personal account.

But as the counsellor pointed out, this is not fair because it leaves me furnishing a house with my share of the money.

His attitude is very strange (or perhaps human?) - last night he was furious and not budging. This evening he saw I was upset and said "may you find peace".

I had a nice day at ikea with the DC, even DC2 said that it was fun, we had lunch, tried out sofas and beds and took our time but didn't go overboard either.

DC1 wants to see the house next week so he can start planning his room, which is a good sign.

I'll talk to my lawyer about the list. I had already (on advice from here) put aside a few silly things which I definitely want to keep and when we discussed me taking personal stuff there was no problem the other day.

I think H is paranoid about me and the money, he's convinced I'm hiding money in the UK, just like he was convinced I was going to leave him to live with as a lesbian etc etc.

I am currently using the joint account card to make purchases - conveniently my personal card has not arrived yet.

Well if you only got half the money then you will need to take household items to the value of 50% in the marital home presumably excluding the DC items?

H's final suggestion was that I list what I want to take from the house and the sum of money I want for re-furnishing and then we both sign this.

Sod that. Just take what you want from the house when he's not around. What's he going to do about it if he won't even get himself a lawyer.

Good idea to use the joint account, especially when it's things for the children as that should be jointly paid anyway. Just keep receipts to show what you've spent it on and don't worry. The onus will be on him to prove you've been reckless with it (which we all know you won't be) and he can't do anything without a lawyer anyway.

Once he gets a lawyer the mediation can start so it might actually help if you push his buttons for once to make him take action.

Sod that. Just take what you want from the house when he's not around. What's he going to do about it if he won't even get himself a lawyer.

+1 to this. I had the exact same thought earlier. You are doing great. Glad to hear that the children are looking forward to the new house too.

Non mais, sans blague......
He ""gives"" you half of joint funds, OK That's great. (You could have taken it, he could not have stopped you.)

From here on, in order for you to furnish, he pays half, or gives you half of house stuff/furniture....... on Top of bank account.
This is evident logic for any child. He will not play along, so its for you to choose your battles, I agree if you say, "OK, Whatever," He will be furious, he will have lost his Joker

Sod that. Just take what you want from the house when he's not around. What's he going to do about it if he won't even get himself a lawyer.

+2 !!!

I have already put aside the bedding that I want to take, for me and the DC. A few other bits and pieces like blankets, favourite mugs etc.

I cba about the rest because buying new things or tracking down bargains online second-hand is keeping me busy and focused on the future (what my lawyer advised was best for me psychologically).

If H doesn't move to get a lawyer and start the mediation, I won't spend a penny out of my own account and will just continue to use the joint bank account card - the amount left in there is approximately what I was advised to ask for anyway.

Originally H told me to stop spending off there, but when I said that would hold up me moving out, he changed his mind and said I could use it for certain things but should use my own money to furnish the new house.

I'm not going to, we can just as easily keep track of it from the joint account as from my own account and there is less risk of me being out of pocket and having to fight for the money.

WOT ? we can just as easily keep track of it from the joint account
No, He does not get to check your account,
Everything in your house is half yours, He does not get to say "it's mine..."
he is simply continuing the bullying, & you are accepting it.
Not only has he effectively driven you out of your home, you then have to pay for it.
If the house is paid for, he will be living rent free, whereas you will have to pay.
Just NO

Just some advice. When I was going through this bollocks I just said that I would only discuss with our joint lawyer - so for you that's mediation. Have a working doc of what's been agreed so far so you're going forward at each session and to confirm every one has understood the same thing.

Discussing through the lawyers is definitely the best plan... When H gets one!

Today and last night were weird.

I was a bit emotional in the evening through tiredness and had to leave the dinner table. Later on H was asking after me in a very concerned way and then said good night, may peace be with you (he is not religious).

The next morning he came to see if I was feeling better (I just ignored) and then asked me to stay at home today and cook with him. .
I said that he had asked me to go out for the day and that was what I was going to do.

He said, yes but I've changed my mind, I want you to stay and cook lunch with me.

I went off to do some yoga and have a shower.

After that I got my stuff together and said I'm going out, as planned. He said "aren't you going to stay and have lunch with is?" And I said "no, I need to get out".

So then he said "haven't you found peace yet jamais ?".

I ignored and left the house.

Dickhead
Total mind games

Sounds like a line from a very very bad movie. Try not to let him get to you with that nonsense.

Sounds like he might be testing your resolve to stick to what you say.

Well done on doing exactly what you said you would.

Haha, you should have said "Yes, I am so thankful that I have finally found my peace and you will too one day if you are as lucky as me" and floated out the door

In future when he keeps asking you the same thing just say 'Which word did you not understand'.

Mind games

Cognitive dissonance = the discomfort felt when you hold 2 opposing beliefs. It can make us contort ourselves in all sorts of weird ways to align the beliefs.

H has 2 opposing beliefs. 1. I am a good kind guy and a great husband .' 2. My behaviour has been unbearable for Jamais and she is leaving because I have been deeply unkind,

The only way he can live with the discomfort of these two thoughts is to rewrite reality. So now he is a good kind guy all the time and you are leaving him not because of his intolerable behaviour, but because you are somehow not at peace with yourself. You are disturbed and emotional who just can't see what an amazing husband you are leaving.

Poor poor misunderstood H.
Not.

Have a nice day out.

Anyone else’s eye rolled hard at the ‘are you not at peace yet!’ BS.