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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

LEAVING sulking H

951 replies

jamaisjedors · 08/05/2019 21:56

I can't believe this is my third thread.

I first posted in December about my H's sulking and silent treatment - I was ready to leave then but then got persuaded to give it another go.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

My second thread is where everyone helped me work through what was going on, helped IRL by individual and joint counselling.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3498886-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking-part2?msgid=85957683

We have now made a joint decision to separate, and I have found somewhere to live.

I don't regret not leaving in January because I have had time to process a lot of things, confide in friends, and come to understand a lot of things about myself and H.

However, sometimes I think it would have been a lot easier to power my way out of the door whilst still fuelled with a lot of anger.

Right now I am mostly very very sad.

Today seemed like a reasonably good day, H and I managed to discuss childcare arrangements up til the school holidays quite calmly and sensibly.

We each spent time doing fun things with the DC and H is actually encouraging them to get a little excited about the new house and buying new furniture etc.

But I have just been hit by a massive wave of sadness again after overhearing part of a conversation between DC1 and a friend. DC1 was saying that he had no idea at all this was coming and had never seen us argue or fight. Sad

I was sure they were at least aware of the horrible atmosphere, particularly over the last few months so it's a bit of slap in the face to realise they had no idea at all and this must seem totally incomprehensible to them.

OP posts:
justilou1 · 07/07/2019 12:11

Are you having to do contact EVERY weekend, Jamais? Is that your future??? Sounds very limiting!!!

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 07/07/2019 22:00

So Friday I had some bad news from the old school that they couldn't produce the certificate to say I had paid all my debts (canteen etc) and that DC2 was unenrolled until the end of August because I use direct debit.

I asked if there was anyway to get the paper before then (you need it to enroll in the new school) and unfortunately not (I spoke direct to the bursar who I know). And if the school find out that H doesn't agree with DC2 being unenrolled, they can't legally do it.

For the moment they assume as we are married that we agree if one parent asks.

This really got me down... but then my lawyer called to say we have an emergency hearing date for early August!!! She said it's almost unheard of and so a good sign.

Meanwhile H has been emailing me saying I have ignored his requests for clarification about summer dates for the DC and he has therefore instructed his lawyer to send me an official letter with a proposal of 3 weeks for me and then 3 weeks for him.

And also informing me he will be taking the DC next weekend from Friday night to Monday morning. With no info about whether he will actually be out of the clinic by then or not.

I have ignored it all so far.

I spoke to some mutual friends who live abroad and who usually come to stay with us around this time every year. They are going to propose to see H over the weekend and so would be there for one night, and we are already busy on the Friday night with the DC and I am not cancelling this time.

In the meantime, I've also heard from my SIL that H has contacted her to find out what I've said to her and when and she thinks he wants to use her answer against me so she's run it by me.

And also heard that H has told a mutual friend who visited him that I have been harrassing him by email. She believed him, but luckily spoke to our close friend who put her straight.

Oh, and to add to it all, H has told our close friend (shall I call him Sam?) that he is going to be requesting an "at-fault divorce" - it seems H just can't believe that I would actually leave him of my own accord and so he is convinced I have a lover (not sure where I would find time for one!) - he is insistently asking everyone who visits about who is at my house, why I moved out so quickly etc etc.

Apart from that, a busy weekend socialising too, tiring, but good to see other people and do something else.

OP posts:
Original poster
jamaisjedors · 07/07/2019 22:03

Oh and the contact with the DC went ok on Saturday, H picked them up and took them on an outing... but went with another patient from the psychiatric clinic and dropped the DC back over an hour late.

The DC warned me by text that they had taken a wrong turning and would be late but he's lucky I didn't call the police on him.

I didn't think it would be productive as the DC had warned me and there is no official legal timing in place as yet anyway.

The DC had a good day which is the main thing and it seems H was on his best behaviour.

He will get his summons tomorrow so this week should be interesting but I am at work/away for some of it and so are the DC.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 07/07/2019 22:08

So as we al predicted...

"I cannot believe she would leave" utterly deluded despite you and the marriage counsellor telling him!

I hope you are ok Thanks

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 07/07/2019 22:15

So as we all predicted...

Totallly text-book. Laughable if it wasn't my life!

We are absolutely following the script for leaving an abusive marriage, he has also started the smear campaign about me and will doubtless continue it... apparantly he's been muttering about ruining my career etc.

The up-side (there has to be one in this whole nightmare) is that because he has now spent over 6 weeks in a psychiatric facility, people are at least mostly taking what he says with a pinch of salt.

The friend who believed him about the email harrassment did at least call Sam to check with him if it was true.

And while he's in the clinic, I am carrying on as much as possible with a normal-ish social life and getting my side across as rationally and as calmly as possible, with expressions of concern for his mental health and long-term recovery.

OP posts:
Original poster
jamaisjedors · 07/07/2019 22:22

I actually AM ok. Didn't sleep on Friday night after finding out about the court date and summons but I am now feeling relatively in control.

Sam pointed out today that he was pleased to see that I wasn't scared of H anymore - that I remained calm and strong after the appointment with the psychiatrist. I still have a wobble in private but I certainly am stronger every day.

My mum also pointed out that the good thing about H being so combative and nasty was that I wasn't going to go back to him.

I agreed that it makes it totally clear-cut in my mind, and despite my genuine concern and sadness for the man I loved for 20+ years, there is no going back now and every cheap shot he takes and every controlling move he makes just confirms how right this decision was and that I was never imagining any of it, in fact I was ignoring or playing down most of the abusive behaviour.

I am stronger every day and once again, can't thank the mn-ers enough for their amazingly accurate advice and overwhelming support. Flowers

OP posts:
cstaff · 07/07/2019 22:29

Oh Jamais. How you are keeping things together and managing to stay sane I will never know. I have been following you since Xmas I think and you have just gotten stronger week by week.

You are one phenomenal lady and your kids are a credit to you. It is good to hear that other people are starting to see him for what he is including his own family and this can only work in your favour.

Stay strong. Flowers

RandomMess · 07/07/2019 22:51

You have come so so so far KOKO Thanks

justilou1 · 08/07/2019 01:27

Surely him taking the kids with another patient is breaching some kind of something....? That is potentially putting them at risk. He doesn’t have the insight to know the first thing about the other patient!!!

Raindancer411 · 08/07/2019 06:52

Glad things are not getting to you as much and that you got the early court date. Keep it up and good luck

Innasnailshell · 08/07/2019 07:09

Meanwhile H has been emailing me saying.........

And also informing me he......yada yada yada

I have ignored it all so far.

He's like a broken record on endless scratchy repeats and if that doesn't work he clutches at straws to provoke a reaction from you.

You are perfecting the grey rock technique in the midst of the storm he rages around you.

You are becoming a master of it particularly as he knows exactly where your triggers are from controlling you for years.

Roll on the court date & the gradual moving forward into your new happy life.

Mix56 · 08/07/2019 07:26

The thing that struck me was H going out for the day with a fellow physchiatric intern.... NO, this is, well, madness.
Ultimately you can't decide who he introduces your DC to, but anyone in their right mind wouldn't think this wise. Why does he need a stranger there ? will the stranger stay for the w/e too ?

But, great news re court date, so this doesn't drag on through the summer.He is going to be furious. Don't read his inumerable emails until you feel inclined.
re the divorce, well he can't prove there is a lover...its all in his mind, but does it actually matter ?

Re school lunches, if its done on direct debit can you see on your bank statement, (or could H have cancelled ?)
well done for getting out & stopping the infernal mulling over this controlling fool

Peridot1 · 08/07/2019 07:39

Taking another patient from the clinic on his contact with the DC jumped out at me too. Why would he do that? Male or female? I really wouldn’t be happy with that.

NettleTea · 08/07/2019 09:01

you may not like the other person from the unit being there (and to be honest, who 'in their right mind' would??) and you may have no control over who he introduces them to, but he is doing you a massive favour in showing clearly that he has no concept of safe boundaries, nor appropriate behaviour regarding the children, and that their safety and wellbeing is not at the forefront of his choices
It also demonstrates that even at this reduced amount of contact, he wasnt able to give them undivided attention.

but you on the other hand are doing well. I agree re checking you bank account for bills, but can you pull the money from somewhere to clear the debt asap and get this bloody form in your hands

PseudocideBlonde · 08/07/2019 18:30

Jamais you might want mumsnet to edit the name from your posts x

Lisette1940 · 08/07/2019 18:35

PseudocideBlonde I think that name is not the real name of Jamais's friend. She said she'd use a made up name a couple of posts back. Good spot though.

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 08/07/2019 20:26

Thanks @PseudocideBlonde but I realised a while ago that it's a lot easier for people to follow if I use a made up name instead of "the close friend who has been visiting H", so we'll call him Sam. Grin

I think I need a new (4th!!!!) thread soon although hopefully I'll stop boring everyone or even better, my life will become boring with no need for a thread soon.

I don't really think that is going to happen just yet, but I am hoping for a break from it all in the last 2 weeks in July.

OP posts:
Satterthwaite · 08/07/2019 20:33

It's not boring! I missed your first thread but your second was eye opening. How much has changed in a relatively short time. I hope you're taking time for you too.

TowelNumber42 · 08/07/2019 20:42

I too hope your life soon becomes pleasingly boringly fuckery free.

justilou1 · 09/07/2019 00:27

To whom is H muttering about ruining your career, also? Is it via email? That’s also threatening behaviour that can be evidence that he is still vindictive and unstable.

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 09/07/2019 09:29

Not by email, but to our friends, Sam and let's call him Gerry.

He's also said to another friend, we can call her Nancy, that I have been harrassing him by email.

OP posts:
TowelNumber42 · 09/07/2019 10:29

I would ask Sam to have a word with friends. Frame it as support for DH who is paranoid and imagining things, like harrassing emails and secret lovers, so badly he is in a psychiatric hospital. Everyone needs to know so they can help to not feed his delusions.

Same for work. I'm thinking a sit down with HR about what they are going to put in place to protect you from your DH given his severe mentally ill state and fixation on paranoid delusions about you. Point out that he can appear plausible sometimes at present so he could easily do and say crazy stuff that damages the company's reputation.

TowelNumber42 · 09/07/2019 10:34

It feels like your friends, except Sam, have all the pity for him and not for you, which leads me to suspect you are covering up. The chatter amongst friends and colleagues in this situation should be all about omg poor jamais, she was living with this crazy bloke all these years and now he's finally flipped completely and she had to run away! This is the truth. It should be leveraged like mad so you are the one getting all the sympathy.

RandomMess · 09/07/2019 11:17

Also for your sake with your DS the truth needs to be out there!

CharityDingle · 09/07/2019 11:24

I agree with Towel about asking Sam to put others in the picture re what has really been going on.

Also re the harassing with emails, well there's already ample reason to ignore a lot of his emails and now there's another.

I'm guessing here obviously but I think it could be quite some time before he is back at work. I agree with having a discussion with HR in the meantime.

Jamais I hope that you soon will have a breather from all of this. You mentioned something in July, I hope that means a break for you. I sometimes feel in reading your posts that you are the one being forgotten about in all of this. Your strength is amazing. Mind yourself.