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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

LEAVING sulking H

951 replies

jamaisjedors · 08/05/2019 21:56

I can't believe this is my third thread.

I first posted in December about my H's sulking and silent treatment - I was ready to leave then but then got persuaded to give it another go.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

My second thread is where everyone helped me work through what was going on, helped IRL by individual and joint counselling.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3498886-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking-part2?msgid=85957683

We have now made a joint decision to separate, and I have found somewhere to live.

I don't regret not leaving in January because I have had time to process a lot of things, confide in friends, and come to understand a lot of things about myself and H.

However, sometimes I think it would have been a lot easier to power my way out of the door whilst still fuelled with a lot of anger.

Right now I am mostly very very sad.

Today seemed like a reasonably good day, H and I managed to discuss childcare arrangements up til the school holidays quite calmly and sensibly.

We each spent time doing fun things with the DC and H is actually encouraging them to get a little excited about the new house and buying new furniture etc.

But I have just been hit by a massive wave of sadness again after overhearing part of a conversation between DC1 and a friend. DC1 was saying that he had no idea at all this was coming and had never seen us argue or fight. Sad

I was sure they were at least aware of the horrible atmosphere, particularly over the last few months so it's a bit of slap in the face to realise they had no idea at all and this must seem totally incomprehensible to them.

OP posts:
Mix56 · 02/07/2019 09:48

Also, Do not jump to his tune it's not because he sends an email that you must respond immediately, you can & should reply after clearly deciding what if anything you want to say, you can ignore questions, you can respond when you have time & inclination.
There is no hurry & having to wait will annoy the shit out of him you are a busy, working mother, there are other important things to do

Fretfulparent · 02/07/2019 10:03

This is all so exhausting to read and you are coping so well with the relentlessness of it all.
Other posters are giving you great advice on trying to detach and be less available for communicating with, which I agree with although it's hard when you are being accused not to respond defensively.
I did have a thought though: is your H on medication? If so is he safe to drive whilst on it?

RandomMess · 02/07/2019 10:41

Anything regarding DS1 in particular as he a teenager can/should include a phrase around:

At DS age as parents we are there to support his choices when it is of direct impact to him so decisions made must be collaborative with him not merely dictated to by us and using perceived Parental Authority to overrule them.

This in respect to his new school but also to lay the groundwork that he can no longer dictate to ANY of you.

Wallywobbles · 02/07/2019 11:07

In France you really do need both parents signatures for changing school. It's how I ended up finally getting the courage to go back to court, because the school forced me to. In my case he lost parental responsibility and the court obliged him to sign. It was beyond my wildest hopes but incredibly rare.

RandomMess · 02/07/2019 11:57

It's not about that he doesn't need to sign but about him thinking his parental authority is something more than it really is, I am probably expressing myself badly.

He is coming from the position that it's all about his rights rather than supporting the DS wishes whilst still parenting them (of course sometimes you have to say no) and his "parental authority" is to be viewed as a necessary formality to something DS has chosen with parental input.

TowelNumber42 · 02/07/2019 13:05

I'd drop an email to all of the friends on cc to tell them you won't be copying them into anything about your divorce or parenting (including emails where he cc'd them) as it is wildly inappropriate and a sign of his ongoing ill health.

Mix56 · 02/07/2019 13:50

jamais, Can you get his signature before Thursday ?

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 02/07/2019 15:25

Just checked with my lawyer what I had read about schools.

While we are still married, it is assumed that the parents agree and so they only need my signature.

If they know he opposes the change they can't unenrol him from his previous school and so i wouldn't be able to enrol him in the new school.

But if he doesn't know, they will assume he agrees.

Of course he will find out but then he'll have to take it to court and no judge would rule against this choice which means ds2 can walk to school and be closer to the partner who is requesting full custody.

So ds2 is going to talk it over with his psychologist on Thursday and then I can finalize it. The school said they are there til the 12th July and I know the head in the previous school personally so he will make it go forward if I ask (but I won't explain all the details).

OP posts:
TowelNumber42 · 02/07/2019 15:59

That is great news.

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 02/07/2019 16:33

Everyone keep your fingers crossed for me, my lawyer has handed in the request for an emergency court date and she saw the judge directly who has asked her when she will be away on holiday (so she thinks that means we might get a date over the summer - but she told me to not get too excited yet!

So I will just stall H on holiday plans for the moment and say we will see how he is when he is out of the clinic and back home.

Plus his sister confirmed today that H's brother has offered to come and stay for a week in August. H refused all invitations to go and stay with family so his brother will come with his kids.

I might actually manage to sleep tonight!

OP posts:
22esmeweatherwax · 02/07/2019 18:07

Good news.
Will keep our fingers crossed for an early court date for you.

Hope you enjoy some good sleep.

Haffdonga · 02/07/2019 18:09

Fingers tightly crossed here.

Moving schools before he objects sounds an excellent plan. I'd be very careful not to let slip to your mutual friends or even your ds that you're planning to do it so soon. It would be so frustrating if he got wind and put in his objection before it was through. With the best of intentions the friends may feel it was fair to inform him or your ds may innocently tell him in a phone call.

Good luck!

Mix56 · 02/07/2019 19:13

Yes, do it. He is ill in a psychiatric unit, you are responsible 100% for the DC in the interim, as he is incapacitated mentally :o)

Mix56 · 02/07/2019 19:14

I will send champagne when the divorce papers are served

longtimelurkerhelen · 02/07/2019 20:39

🤞

CharityDingle · 03/07/2019 00:37

Fingers and toes crossed.
I agree with Towel (again) in relation to the email to friends.

Also, if possible, set up a filter on your emails so that emails from him are put automatically into a designated folder. You then respond as and when you see fit. Take away that power from him. You no longer have to dance to his tune.

Sleep well, you deserve it.

Blondebakingmumma · 03/07/2019 01:52

Still following your journey and I am rooting for you! Fingers crossed you can quietly move DS to his new school before H gets wind and also you get an early court date 🤞

LoubyLou1234 · 03/07/2019 12:58

Still following and willing you on. Strong strong lady. Don't give him an inch he will take a mile. Keep going!

MintyT · 04/07/2019 05:49

Thinking of you @jamaisjedors, sending love, luck and strength

Mix56 · 04/07/2019 08:09

Have you got the school application in ?

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 04/07/2019 14:53

Thanks again to everyone for all the support, I re-read some of the thread again this morning and it's scary how accurate some of your predictions were/have been.

Dc2 is seeing his new psychologist tonight and doesn't know what to talk about so I suggested he talked about changing schools.

So he should make a decision by tomorrow and I can go and finalise enrolment then.

To be honest the way things are he HAS to change schools, it will be too complicated otherwise but if he's talked through the pros and cons with another adult it will reassure him.

The other day he said "it will be difficult for a year and then better after that".

Hopefully she can reassure him that it won't take a year to make new friends so he won't be dreading it over the summer or say to his dad that I pushed him into it,or worse that he doesn't want to go there.

My lawyer said no judge would overturn my decision which is an entirely logical one geographically and in dc2's interest comfort-wise but I don't want H poisoning dc2 against me if I can avoid it.

OP posts:
Mix56 · 04/07/2019 15:19

well as DH has been interned & you have been left holding the proverbial baby/ies, you need to take the path of least resistance for your lives to function ! :o)
reassure DS he can still see his old mates frequently (& they may be in the same Lycée later ?)

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 04/07/2019 15:48

Yes, if he changed he will make new friends who will go forward to lycee (sixth form) with him plus he will see some of the old ones again in 2 years.

And of course I have promised to facilitate meeting up at weekends etc.

OP posts:
Weenurse · 06/07/2019 04:18

You have come a long way, well done

Mix56 · 06/07/2019 09:35

Hope the w/e contact goes smoothly, & H doesn't unilaterally decide when he sees DCs
Is he interfering with the College application ?